Week 16, Day 108 - "Brace Beer"

“Brace Beer”
Written by Joe Janes
5/6/09
108 of 365

CAST:
PHIL
NANCY
BARTENDER
ANNOUNCER

(Lights up on Phil talking to Nancy sitting at a bar. They are looking friendly towards one another.)

PHIL

Wow, Nancy, I can’t believe this bar lets you have all the barbeque chicken wings you can eat. I must have eaten a whole chicken’s worth of chicken wings.

NANCY

Phil, I love a man who loves chicken wings.

PHIL

The only thing I love better is beer. Bartender? Two more over here.

NANCY

Phil, I love a man who loves beer.

BARTENDER

Two beers.

(They raise their beer bottles. Phil takes a sip and vomits.)

PHIL

Oh…oh…I’m so sorry. I guess I had too much of…everything.

NANCY

You disgust me, Phil.

ANNOUNCER

Don’t let failing to keep your beer down ever keep you from getting down. Next time, Phil, try Brace Beer.

PHIL

Brace Beer?

ANNOUNCER

Try it.

PHIL
I don’t think so, I just –

ANNOUNCER

Try it!

PHIL(gulp)

Ah, oogh, um, hey. It tastes pepperminty.

ANNOUNCER

Brace Beer soothes your stomach.

PHIL

Will Brace Beer keep me from – (vomits)

ANNOUNCER

Nope. But watch-

NANCY

Hey, who threw up…aw, little tiny roses.

PHIL

I did.

NANCY

That is so romantic. Come here, tiger, let’s have some more beer.

PHIL

Bartender, make it Brace Beer.

NANCY

Kiss me.

PHIL

But, I just-

(They kiss.)

NANCY

Mmmm. Like licking warm candy.

ANNOUNCER

Brace Beer – the party never has to stop, even when your body says it should. Anheiser-Boooooosh!

(Blackout)

Week 16, Day 107 - "Hippy Bathday"

“Hippy Bathday”
Written by Joe Janes
5/5/09
107 of 365

CAST:
Amber, 20s
Spike the delivery dude
Computer Voice
As Many Co-workers As Possible

(Lights up on as many people as possible, all office workers, busy at their various desks with the occasional cross-overs to deliver a piece of paper or two to someone else. One desk somewhere amongst other desks down stage left is empty. Amber enters up stage right in a business outfit and tennis shoes. She enters slightly flustered and makes it to her desk. She looks around and sees, to her disappointment, that no one has noticed her missing or coming in late. She shrugs, sets down her bag and sits. She looks for something on her desk and its not there. Nor is it on anyone else’s desk. She checks her watch. With the least amount attention possible, she begins to work while obviously anxiously awaiting something. Spike the delivery dude enters stage right with flowers. He looks around the room. Amber quickly flags him over, but then goes back to work so she can act surprised by him. He makes his way to her desk while attracting very little attention from the others. Amber acts surprised by his appearance. He rolls his eyes and has her sign her name on a clipboard. He hands her the flowers. He waits a moment for her to tip. She has no idea why he is waiting. He rolls his eyes and leaves. Amber acts flattered at receiving flowers and looks around to see if anyone has noticed. She opens the card and laughs, then sighs at the thoughtful flirty amusement someone has written for her. A sole nearby co-worker has noticed her and stares for a moment. Then that person goes back to work. Amber looks sad by the lack of attention. She gets an idea. She quickly types up something on her computer. She then opens her bag and pulls out a single candled birthday cake. She lights the candle and presses a button on her computer. We hear a computer voice recite the lyrics to “Happy Birthday to You” which she typed quickly and without spellchecking, so what we really hear is…)

COMPUTER VOICE

Hippy Bathday to Goo
Hippy Bathday to Goo
Hippy Bathday dear Amber
Hippy Bathday to Goo
And many more.

(The whole office turns and looks. She makes a wish and blows out the candle. )

AMBER

Look. Cake.

(All the co-workers descend upon her desk and quickly leave with a slice of cake each. All that is left is her candle. She quietly burns with anger and types. She hits the “text to speech” button.)

COMPUTER VOICE

Fug all of you.

(Amber sighs. Blackout.)

Week 16, Day 106 - "Wishful Thinking"

“Wishful Thinking”
Written by Joe Janes
5/4/09
106 out of 365

CAST:
EVAN, 20s
DUSTIN, 60s
TV ANNOUNCER

(Lights up on a tired Evan getting in to a cab at night. Dustin is driving.)

EVAN

Hey, man. Lawrence and Broadway, please.

DUSTIN

Sure thing. Just getting off work.

EVAN

Yeah. Can you believe it? Just enough time to go home, eat a Hot Pocket, go to bed and be back here by 8:30. (Takes out his wallet and checks the contents.)

DUSTIN

Sounds rough.

EVAN

Crap.

DUSTIN

What’s the matter?

EVAN

Crap. How much to where I’m going?

DUSTIN

Oh, probably seven or eight dollars. Plus…tip?

EVAN

Can you just take me as far a five?

DUSTIN

Not a very good neighborhood to walk from.

EVAN

All I have is a five.

DUSTIN

Want me to stop at an ATM?

EVAN

No. Then I’ll be paying three bucks just to take out another five, if it’ll even let me. I thought I had more money on me. And I don’t get paid again till the end of next week.

DUSTIN

Maybe you need a new job. One that pays well and makes you work less.

EVAN

I wish.

DUSTIN

Do you?

EVAN

Do I what?

DUSTIN

Do you wish that?

EVAN

Doesn’t everybody? Don’t you?

DUSTIN

This is not my real job. I do this part-time. For fun.

EVAN

What’s your full-time job?

DUSTIN

I’m a genie. I can grant you three wishes. Choose them carefully.

EVAN

Yeah, right.

DUSTIN

Try it.

EVAN

Wish for anything?

DUSTIN

Anything your heart desires.

EVAN

Wait – if you are a genie, and I’m not saying you are because, well, that’s nuts, but if you are, are you one of those that finds a way to screw me over with some ironic twist?

DUSTIN

No, I’m not one of those. That takes a lot of time and energy and planning. I’m a lazy genie. I just give you what you want and go on my way. If you don’t believe me, just start with something small. Something not worth wreaking ironic vengeance over.

EVAN

Okay, well, I want to have enough money in my wallet to have this cab drive me all the way to my apartment and not have to walk.

DUSTIN

Done. Look inside your wallet.

EVAN

Hey. There’s a twenty in there. Wait – it won’t cost twenty dollars to drive to my apartment.

DUSTIN

I figured you’d want to tip me well.

EVAN

Okay. I do want to tip you well. You’re a genie and you’re driving me home and granting me wishes. That’s worth an extra five.

DUSTIN

You have two more wishes.

EVAN

Okay. Okay. No loopholes. What do I want? Okay. I got it. I want to make $60,000 a year, doing nothing. And take the taxes out, so the IRS doesn’t screw me. And make it so they take out enough that I get a refund every year.

DUSTIN

You only want 60k a year? Taxed?

EVAN

Yep. I know that if I ask for more – a million or a billion – you’ll find a way to burn me because of my greed.

DUSTIN

I told you; I’m not in to that.

EVAN

Which is exactly what a genie would say if they were into that. 60k covers me on all my expenses plus extra, but not so much that people bug me to give to charity and stuff.

DUSTIN

Okay. Done. Can you check your bank account?

EVAN (pushing buttons on his cell phone)

Way ahead of you. Hey, there’s only 42, 485 dollars there.

DUSTIN

Which is 60,000 after taxes.

EVAN

Damn you, Obama.

DUSTIN

I know. It’s a real bite in the ass. Do you want to make a third wish for more money?

EVAN

No, no. That’s good. It’s still more than what I’m making now. I have a cab ride home, an annual income that nets over 40k, what else do I want?

DUSTIN

Love? World peace? Reverse global warming?

EVAN

Nah. I think if I try to go big, you’ll find some genie-like way to royally mess with me. I’ve got it.

DUSTIN

Yes?

EVAN

You have to do whatever I wish for, right? No matter what.

DUSTIN

No matter what.

EVAN

Okay, I know how I can make sure you won’t be a bastard and take away what you already gave me or find some way for me not to ever enjoy it. I wish… you… were dead.

(Dustin gasps, clutches his chest, lights go to black as we hear a car swerving out of control and crashing.)

TV ANNOUNCER (VO)

Two men were pronounced dead at the scene of a car accident in the Uptown neighborhood. Police believe the driver suffering a heart attack caused the crash. The passenger, 26-year-old Evan O’Donnell, was still conscious when paramedics arrived. His dying last word was, quote, “Bastard.” End quote.

Week 15, Day 105 - "Two On The Aisle"

TWO ON THE AISLE
Written by Joe Janes
5/3/09
105 of 365

CAST:
Ernst, 30s
Thelma, 30s
E, 30s
T, 30s

(Lights up in the house of a theater in Philadelphia, 1933. Ernst gets up from his aisle seat and puts on his long coat. His wife, Thelma, remains seated. Seated off and behind them in the house is T. She sits looking at her program.)

ERNST

There you are. I have now gone to the theater… We should be going.

THELMA

I know. I know.

ERNST

To facilitate the going part, Thelma, you should consider standing and putting on your coat.

THELMA

Just another minute. Please, Ernst. I haven’t seen him in ten years.

ERNST

He doesn’t even know you are here.

THELMA

He knows I’m here. He saw me. I know he saw me.

ERNST

He would have come out by now.

THELMA

In the drawing room scene, when he poured himself a brandy… Just before he called that tarty girl a “swine"... He looked right at me. He might even have winked at me.

ERNST

It’s bad enough I allowed you to drag me here on a Thursday night, we left junior alone with your mother. We need to go home before she loads him up on cookies and coffee so he’ll stay up and keep her company.

THELMA

She said she wouldn’t do that, again.

ERNST

The woman is capable of anything but raising a child properly. She fed you lasagna as baby food.

THELMA

It was pureed.

ERNST

It was lasagna.

THELMA

All right. Let’s go. (She gets up. He helps her with her coat. They head toward the exit. E enters through the curtain from the stage.)

E

Thelma? Is that you?

THELMA

You did see me! I knew you saw me! (She runs up to E and gives him a big hug.) He saw me! You were so good up there. You looked so good in your tuxedo. Where’s your tuxedo?

E

It’s in my dressing room… Can’t wear it all the time.

THELMA

Oh. Of course. I knew you saw me. When you called that woman a swine. Boy, did you get that right! She really was a swine.

E

The cast is heading to the bar across the street. Would you like to join us? Give us a chance to catch up.

ERNST

Ahem.

THELMA

Oh, Ernst. This is my husband…Ernst.

E

Ernst…small world.

ERNST

Well, it’s a common name.

E

How do you do?

ERNST

Lovely.

E

Care to join us?

ERNST

Unfortunately, we need to get back home to care for our son, Ernst, Jr.

E

You’re married and have a child?

THELMA (sighs)

Yes.

E

I didn’t know.

ERNST

That’s all right. I never knew you existed until yesterday afternoon when we saw the advert for your play “The Gay Scoundrel.”

THELMA

You made a beautiful scoundrel, Ernst.

E

You think so? I felt off tonight.

THELMA

How long are you in town? Ernst works during the day and Ernst, Jr has school. Maybe we could get together.

ERNST

Perhaps on Saturday, you could come over to the house and meet the whole family.

E

Oh, Saturday’s a bear. We do three shows that day.

THELMA (hugs E)

You saw me. The last time I saw you was when we watched the sun go down at the lake. And then watched it come back up again. (E shrugs towards Ernst)

ERNST

We need to go, Thelma.

E (peeling himself away)

It was nice seeing you, Thelma. I’m glad you are doing well.

THELMA (sighs)

Yes.

E

And it was nice meeting you, Ernst.

ERNST

Yes. It was.

E

Good luck with that boy of yours… I’ll see you, again.

THELMA

I hope it’s not another ten years.

E

I hope not, too.

(Thelma and Ernst leave. E watches them leave and then notices T. Thelma runs back in and plants a kiss on him.)

THELMA

Ernst is getting a taxi. I knew you saw me. I just knew it.

E

I look for you every night, wherever I am.

T

Ahem.

E (peeling Thelma off him)

Ah. Thelma. Let me introduce you to someone. This is my wife…Thelma.

THELMA

Oh. I didn’t know.

T

Now you do. Good-bye.

(Thelma leaves. E walks to T.)

E

Darling!

T

Swine.

(Blackout.)

Week 15, Day 104 - "Weenus"

“Weenus”
Written by Joe Janes
5/2/09
104 of 365

CAST:
William, 30s
Ray, 30s
Robert, 30s

(Lights up on William angrily entering and opening up his locker in the men’s locker room of a health club. He is coming from the shower. Ray follows, looking regretful. He, too, is coming from the shower. His locker is not far from William’s. The men are drying off and changing into their office attire.)

WILLIAM

I can’t believe you did that.

RAY

I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

WILLIAM

You just don’t do that in the showers, Ray. It’s creepy and its weird.

RAY

I didn’t mean anything by it. Really, William, I didn’t.

WILLIAM

You were staring at my dick.

RAY

Yeah. I know. I realized I never got a good look at one before. My own, sure, but that’s always an aerial view. I was just curious.

WILLIAM

If you’re gay, just tell me.

RAY

I’m not gay. I just wanted to check it out. To compare. I see guys in porn videos, but man, who can measure up to that? Those guys’s are in it for a reason.

WILLIAM

You’re not gay, but you watch gay porn?

RAY

No, man. Uh, hetero porn. Guys with girls. And never more than one guy.

(Robert enters.)

ROBERT

I prefer girl-on-girl action. It’s like a two-fer. What? We’re talking porn, right?

(Robert takes a locker and begins to change out of his business clothes into workout clothes.)

RAY

Most guys are in to that, but not me. When I see two girls going at it, it just makes me feel so unnecessary. If I see a guy in there, it gives me hope. That could be me.

WILLIAM

Can we change the subject? I feel strange talking about this while we’re all in various states of undress.

ROBERT

How’d you guy’s get on the subject, any way?

WILLIAM

Why don’t you tell him, Ray?

RAY

Robert, William is mad at me because, in the shower, he caught me staring at his weenus.

ROBERT

Maybe you shouldn’t call it a weenus. Staring because its impressive or staring because its freakish – or both?

RAY

Neither, really. Pretty average, as far as I can tell. That’s why I was looking. I wanted to see how mine compared to someone else’s.

WILLIAM

Average? My penis is spectacular. Ask my wife.

ROBERT

Your wife is bias and probably lying. Let’s take a look.

WILLIAM

What? No way. We’re in the middle of a locker room.

ROBERT

So, what? Guys walk around here naked all the time. Just pretend you’re that old guy with the age spots on his wrinkly butt.

RAY

I’d like to see it, again. It was all wet before.

WILLIAM

Fine, here’s my penis.

(William opens his towel and shows them. They look.)

ROBERT

I’ve seen better. You’re right, Ray. Nothing to write home about.

WILLIAM

Nothing to write home about. Let’s see yours, Ray. Let’s see if Robert wants to write his mother about your junk.

(Ray opens his towel for them to see.)

ROBERT

His is bigger.

WILLIAM

What do you mean his is bigger?

ROBERT

Oh, yeah. Clearly. Don’t get me wrong, yours is adequate. I’m sure it gets the job done. Ray here has a slight advantage in the length and girth department.

WILLIAM

Girth?

ROBERT

Yeah, man. It’s like a pineapple.

WILLIAM

Let’s see yours, then. If you’re going to pass judgment on ours, I want to see yours.

ROBERT

No problemo.

(Robert opens up his sweat pants and shows them. They are stunned.)

RAY

Wow. That’s really impressive. Is it real?

WILLIAM

It…hooks.

RAY

It’s like a question mark.

WILLIAM

I need to sit down.

RAY

Ladies must really like that.

ROBERT

No complaints. Except that I’m only one man.

WILLIAM (touching his eyes)

I’m crying.

ROBERT

Boys, penises are like snowflakes. They’re all different. They come in all shapes and sizes. You got what you got. Some of us are blessed with a little extra novelty in our shorts; others carry on the normal gene. Somebody has to. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s off to the racquetball court.

RAY

Hey, you forgot your paddle.

ROBERT (winking)

Don’t need it.

(Blackout)

Week 15, Day 103 - "Background Check'"

(This is Friday's sketch, posted after midnight)

“Background Check”
Written by Joe Janes
5/1/09
103 of 365

CAST
AGENT WILKINS
AGENT DARNELL
NUMBER 18

(Lights up on Number 18 strapped to a board and having water poured onto his face by Agent Wilkins while Agent Darnell holds Number 18’s head.)

AGENT WILKINS

Who did you work for?

AGENT DARNELL

Tell us or we won’t stop.

AGENT WILKINS

Who did you work for!

NUMBER 18

Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you. Please stop, I'll tell you.

(The two agents stop their torturing.)

AGENT DARNELL

Okay. Talk.

NUMBER 18

After college, I worked at a security firm, Lester Security Systems, in Des Moines, for three years.

AGENT WILKINS

Okay. Very good.

AGENT DARNELL

We’ll keep your resume on file.

AGENT WILKINS

We’re always looking for good people at the CIA, but I have to tell you, the fact that you gave up the information we wanted to know, doesn’t look good.

AGENT DARNELL

But it was your 183rd “interview,” so we’ll take that into consideration.

(Blackout)

It's Been A Crazy, Crazy Week

It's the end of the semester at Columbia and this term's classes at Second City are coming to a close. Robot vs Dinosaur opened a show last week and a play I directed OPENS TONIGHT! My apartment's a mess. I'm behind on bills. I've been drinking too much coffee and root beer. I have spent much of this week exhausted. My 100th sketch came very close to being my last sketch.

But I have today off. I'll be taking it easy for a little bit, putting together a resume and writing samples for a possible writing gig, eating good food prepared in my own kitchen, and gearing up for opening night.

The play is satire called Throwing Heat by Chris Novoa and Mike Stull. It's about a baseball pitcher making a comeback in the major leagues while fans and media are trying to bring him down because of his past. It's a large cast and an amazing cast. Everyone brings something special to their roles. It has a lot to say about principles vs givin' 'em what they want.

We're at the Anthenaeum, 2936 North Southport, Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm, Sundays at 3pm through May. Come check it out. Tickets are only $15. You can buy them on-line or at the door. Tickets are still available for this weekend. Come see the show and then buy me a cider at the Lincoln Tap. You can find out more about the show by clicking HERE.