Week 33, Day 229 - “A Fly On The Wall”

“A Fly On The Wall”

Written by Joe Janes

9/4/09

229 of 365

CAST

Mark, 40s

Fly, one week

Nancy, 40s

(Lights up on Mark. He is pacing quickly back and forth at a street corner. He hears the buzzing of a fly and swishes his hand around to drive it away. It works, but it comes back. He swishes his hand around again and the fly goes away. Mark stops and looks at his watch. The buzzing is heard again. This time the buzzing stops abruptly when the fly stops on his forearm. Mark is about to swat it, when…)

FLY (VO)

Hey, don’t do that!

MARK

What the hell? Did you just talk?

FLY (VO)

Yeah, man. Don’t smack me. I’m just a fly.

MARK

I’m sorry. I’m just so worked up. The last thing I need is a fly bothering me.

FLY (VO)

What’s up? Maybe I can help?

MARK

I doubt it. I think my wife is cheating on me.

FLY (VO)

Why do you think she’s cheating on you?

MARK

She just kicked me out of the house so she could have a few hours to herself. Right.

FLY (VO)

Sometimes people need that.

MARK

Sure they do, but nobody actually does it. Nobody kicks their spouse out of the house to do it. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in my own house.

FLY (VO)

I can arrange that.

(Lights suddenly shift and we hear a “poof” sound. Mark transforms into a fly and begins buzzing and fluttering his wings. Fly is now standing next to him.)

MARK

This is cool! I’m a fly like you.

FLY

Same size and everything. Let’s go spy on that ho of yours.

(Lights off on them as they fly off. Lights up on Nancy sitting and reading “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” She hears two flies buzzing. She walks over and closes the window and then returns to her chair and her book. The buzzing sounds stop as the flies land on the wall.)

FLY (VO)

There she is. Reading.

MARK (VO)

I was worried about nothing. She really did just want to be alone. Look at her. She’s so pretty. I can’t wait to tell her how much I love her.

(We hear buzzing as Mark flies from the wall.)

FLY (VO)

No, man, get back here. Don’t disturb her.

(The buzzing stops abruptly as Mark lands on her open book.)

MARK (VO)

Nancy, I-

(Nancy screams and slams the book shut. She slowly opens the book to look at the smushed remains. There’s a short buzz and she slams the book shut, again. It’s too gross for her. She throws the book into a trashcan and walks off.)

FLY (VO – sighs)

I try to help humans. I really should just stick to pooping on their food.

(Blackout)

Week 27, Day 186 - "Buenos Aires"

“Buenos Aires”
Written by Joe Janes
7/23/09
186 of 365

CAST:
Rosa, 20s
Luis, 20s
Roberto, 30s
Johnny, 20s
Adolfo, 40s

(Lights up on the terrace of a high society soiree. Rosa, in a beautiful evening gown, enters. She looks distraught and heads to the railing and looks out at the evening sky. Luis, in a tuxedo, enters and stands at the door.)

LUIS

Rosa, my darling.

ROSA (not turning)

Luis. No. Stay away. You must.

LUIS

Your lips say, “Stay away,” but your back says, “come hither.”

ROSA (turning)

Damn my back and its vocabulary. Damn my back, Luis, and damn you. (Whispering) Damn you.

(They embrace. They build tension as they lock eyes and almost kiss but press their faces cheek-to-cheek instead.)

ROSA (continuing)

I love you and I hate you.

LUIS

I love you and I hate you, too.

ROSA

Roberto must never know.

(Roberto enters wearing an Argentinean dress military uniform and carrying a glass of champagne. He sees Rosa and Luis and smashes the glass on the floor.)

ROBERTO

Rosa!

ROSA

Roberto!

ROBERTO

Luis!

LUIS

My friend. This is not how it looks.

ROBERTO

I have been a fool. My lover and my best friend.

LUIS

She is yours. Take her. I don’t want her. I was just telling her how much I hated her.

ROSA

He speaks the truth, Roberto. We are in hate with one another.

LUIS

True hate.

ROSA

We are hate mates.

ROBERTO

I should have listened to you my friend.

(Roberto starts crying and runs into Luis’s arms.)

LUIS

Shhh, shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.

ROSA

What did he mean listen to you?

LUIS

Nothing, nothing.

ROBERTA

He said you were a tramp who would eat my heart!

LUIS

Or that. I may have said something like that. I think I said, “break” your heart.

ROBERTO

Yes, yes, “break.” He said, “break.” I said, “eat.”

(Rosa starts hitting Luis who uses Roberto to block the blows.)

ROSA

I hate you even more now! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

(Johnny, an American in a nice suit, enters.)

JOHNNY

Rosa!

ROSA

Johnny!

JOHNNY

I waited for you in the taxicab, but you never came.

LUIS

You were going to leave?

ROBERTO

How could you leave us like that?

ROSA

Johnny and I are in love. Right, Johnny?

JOHNNY

That’s right. I’ve never loved anyone more deeply. Or quickly.

LUIS

When did you meet?

JOHNNY

About an hour ago. At the buffet. Near the prime rib.

ROSA

Oh, Johnny, let’s go. Let’s go, Johnny, now. Let’s run away forever, Johnny. Sweep me up in your arms, Johnny, and take me to your America so I can be free. (pause) Johnny?

JOHNNY

Right away, but first, who are these guys?

ROSA

Oh, how rude of me. This is Roberto, my lover and Luis, his best friend and also my lover whom I also hate.

JOHNNY

Is there anyone else I should know about?

(Adolfo wearing a tuxedo and a cape enters.)

ADOLFO (cheerfully)

Rosa, here you are!

ROSA

Adolfo! My husband!

ADOLFO (still cheerful)

You say that as if I caught you doing something other than just having a friendly conversation on the terrace with these three handsome gentlemen. How is everyone?

JOHNNY

Oh, fine.

LUIS

Good.

ROBERTO

I’ve been better.

ADOLFO

You’re missing a wonderful party inside. The band has started and everyone is dancing the night away. Shall we tango, Rosa?

ROSA

Of course, husband. Whatever you say.

ADOLFO

You gentlemen have a splendid evening. You look so lovely tonight, my dear…

(Adolfo escorts Rosa back into the party.)

JOHNNY

Well, I feel like a real heel.

LUIS

I didn’t know he was so nice!

ROBERTO

I didn’t know she was married. And to such a great guy.

JOHNNY

Should we go join the party?

LUIS

I think I’d feel really awkward.

ROBERTO

Me, too. Plus, Rosa was the only hottie.

LUIS

That’s true.

JOHNNY

Strip club?

LUIS

Sure, why not?

ROBERTO

That’s how I met Rosa!

(Blackout)

Week 13, Day 86 - "Dually Noted"

“Dually Noted”
Written by Joe Janes
4/14/09
86 of 365

CAST:
Larry, late 30s
Grace, late 30s

(Lights up on Larry, wearing sunglasses, sitting on a park bench looking around nervously. Possibly smoking a cigarette. Grace enters.)

GRACE

Larry?

LARRY

Grace!

(He quickly grabs her and makes her sit down on the bench.)

GRACE

Okay, really nice to see you, too.

LARRY

Did anyone see you?

GRACE

Sure, lots of people. We’re in a park. Larry, why are you being so clandestine?

LARRY

Uh -?

GRACE

Sneaky.

LARRY

Because, Grace, I’m a married man.

GRACE

And I’m a married woman. Doesn’t make it against the law for two old high school friends to meet and catch up.

LARRY

My wife might think differently if she knew I had this. (He takes a note out of his pocket.)

GRACE

What’s that?

LARRY

A note you wrote to me.

GRACE

I didn’t write you a note.

LARRY

Yes. You did. I found it in the lining of my varsity jacket.

GRACE

From our senior year in high school. Larry, I wrote that note twenty years ago. You just now found it?

LARRY

There was a hole in the pocket. I found it going through some old boxes.

GRACE

Guess I don’t feel so bad now about not hearing from you about it.

LARRY

Grace. I need to know if what you wrote in this note is true.

GRACE

Larry, I hardly remember what I wrote. That was a different time.

LARRY (reading note)

“I think you’re the greatest guy I have ever met. My love for you is forever. I want you to be my first.” Is it still true?

GRACE

It’s a little late. I’m married, now. With kids. So, are you.

LARRY

But, if I had found this note when you put it there, we’d probably be married. We’d probably have kids.

GRACE

But you didn’t and we’re not and we don’t. Scott Morton was my first.

LARRY

Scott Morton? That weenie?

GRACE

You didn’t respond to my note. He was available. We did it in his parent’s station wagon after the science fair. His Styrofoam model of an atom kept poking me in the ass. It was all very romantic. But, what’s done is done.

LARRY

It’s not fair. I didn’t know how you felt. Had I known-

GRACE

Did you feel the same way about me?

LARRY

Yes. Absolutely. I thought about you all the time. I was just too shy to do anything about it. A note like this would have given me the confidence I needed to ask out a girl as pretty as you.

GRACE

You thought I was pretty.

LARRY

Everyone did.

GRACE

Everyone?

LARRY

But you never said a word to me. I didn’t think you were interested.

GRACE

I was too shy. Whenever I was around you, my mouth and brain clamped shut. That’s why I poured my heart out in a note. And then it broke when I didn’t hear back from you. I feel a little better knowing it was just a mistake.

LARRY

A stupid, miserable mistake. What are we going to do?

GRACE

Do? There’s nothing to do.

LARRY

Are you happy, now, with -?

GRACE

Ted.

LARRY

Ted.

GRACE

Sure. I guess. I’m not unhappy. And you?

LARRY

Same. Very not unhappy. (Pause) What would we have done?

GRACE

What?

LARRY

If I did find your note and called you. What would you have wanted to do?

GRACE

Oh, I had it all planned out. We’d go to the roller rink. Then go to Dodge’s Beach. Build a fire. Go skinny-dipping in the lake. Sleep under the stars. Wake up to the sunrise together.

LARRY

Sounds nice.

GRACE

Yeah.

LARRY

The roller rink closed.

GRACE

So did Dodge’s Beach.

(Beat)

LARRY

The sun’s still in business.

GRACE

So’s the lake.

LARRY

Something to think about.

GRACE

Yep. Something to think about.

(Grace kisses Larry on the cheek and exits. Larry takes the note and crumples it up. He puts it in his pocket. Lights fade.)