Written by Joe Janes
3/16/09
57 out of 365
CAST:
William, 20s
Melinda, 20s
Gary, 20s
(Lights up on Melinda and William sitting at a table in the office break room.)
WILLIAM
As you can see, Melinda, they really want to make it so you don’t ever have to leave the office.MELINDA
I see, William. I never saw a vending machine before that doled out stamps and bus passes. And even has a mailbox.WILLIAM
There’s food, too, including frozen entrees. I prefer to pack my own lunch.(He takes out a small paper bag and takes a sandwich out of it.)
MELINDA
Me, too. (She takes out a more professional looking lunchbox and unzips it.) Is that peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat wrapped in wax paper?WILLIAM
It is.MELINDA
That’s what I have, too. Creamy or crunchy?WILLIAM
Crunchy, of course.MELINDA
Me, too!WILLIAM
Well, isn’t that something?MELINDA
I think I’m really going to enjoy working here, William. I really do.WILLIAM
That’s good, Melinda. I’m glad to hear that.MELINDA
Everyone seems so nice.WILLIAM
Everyone is. Almost everyone.MELINDA
Especially you.WILLIAM
Oh, my.(Gary enters.)
WILLIAM
Oh, darn it.MELINDA
What is it?WILLIAM
Don’t look.GARY
Hey, Schnauzer Balls. Who’s the new chick?WILLIAM (not looking at him)
The lady is Melinda. This is Gary.GARY
Hello, Melinda. Has Schnauzer Balls shown you the copy room, yet?MELINDA
William did.GARY
Well, if you want a man to show you where everything goes, just let me know. I’ll show you all the ins and outs. What’s for lunch, Schnauzer Balls? (Gary grabs William’s lunch sack and starts looking through it.) Carrot sticks, apple, Little Debbie. Keep the carrot sticks. (Throws them on the table) But give me the PB & J. (Gary holds his hand out. William hands Gary the sandwich. Gary takes it and sticks his hand out, again. William takes the piece of sandwich in his mouth and puts it in Gary’s hand.) Bon appétit! (Gary goes to another table, sits and begins eating.)
MELINDA
That was so rude!WILLIAM
No, Melinda, it’s all right. MELINDA
He took your lunch, William. It is not all right.WILLIAM
Yes, it is. Yes, it is. The joke’s on him. I anticipated his hijinks. I brought two lunches. (William produces a second paper lunch bag. Gary reaches over and grabs that bag, too.) Shoot!(Melinda gets up and stands next to Gary.)
MELINDA
Just who do you think you are?GARY
I’m Gary.MELINDA
Where do you get off taking people’s lunches, Gary?WILLIAM
Melinda…GARY
Who are you? His mommy? Hey, Schnauzer Balls, tell your mommy to back off.MELINDA
Or what?(Gary stands up and gets in Melinda’s face. She doesn’t back off.)
WILLIAM
Okay, okay. (He gets up and wedges himself uncomfortably in between them.) No need for that. We’re all professionals. Let’s just go back to our own tables and eat our lunches quietly. GARY
Tell your woman she needs to learn to keep her nose out of other people’s business.WILLIAM
My woman? Sure, I’ll tell her.MELINDA
Shut up, William.WILLIAM
Right away.MELINDA (returning to her seat)
You can bully William all you like, but don’t ever try that with me.GARY
“William” doesn’t mind. Do you, “William”?WILLIAM
Nah…It’s all in fun. (Melinda looks at him) Maybe. I do. A little, I do, Gary. I mind.GARY
You do? You don’t want to give me your lunches anymore?WILLIAM
I don’t think I ever technically gave them to you or wanted to?GARY
You calling me a thief? You want to step outside?WILLIAM
We’re on the fiftieth floor.GARY
So? You chicken? (makes chicken sounds)MELINDA
You two are driving me crazy. This isn’t the playground. We’re adults. Grow up. Stop taking his lunches and you stop letting him. What’s Gary going to do? Beat you up?WILLIAM
Yes.GARY
Yes.MELINDA
Well, he can’t. It’s against the law; you can have him arrested for assault. You can have him fired for even threatening you. Report him to the HR director.WILLIAM
He is the HR director.(Gary laughs.)
MELINDA (to Gary)
Then you should be ashamed of yourself.(Gary gets up and walks to their table.)
GARY
Tell you what, William. You work on growing a pair and I’ll work on being less of a bully. Let me buy you a frozen entrée from the vending machine. Seriously. My treat. Whatever you want. What do you say?WILLIAM
Okay.(He escorts William off.)
MELINDA
That’s much better.GARY (off)
Which one do you want?WILLIAM (off)
Oh, I don’t know. The Turkey Tetrazzini Lean Cuisine looks good. GARY (off)
Which one?WILLIAM (off)
This one down here…Oh.(William wobbles back to his chair.)
MELINDA
Did he buy your lunch?WILLIAM
Change of plans. Gave me a wedgie, instead.GARY (off)
See you tomorrow Schnauzer nuts! And no more carrot sticks!(Blackout)
