Written by Joe Janes
6/26/09
159 of 365
CAST
Jen’s Mom Nancy, 40s
Jen, 14
Chrissy, 14
(Lights up on Jen and Chrissy, two teenaged girls in Jen’s bedroom having a sleepover. The girls are in their pj’s in bed. Jen’s mom, Nancy, in a bathrobe, is in the doorway.)
JEN’S MOM NANCY
Okay, girls. Don’t stay up too late chitter-chattering. JEN
All right, Mom. Good night.CHRISSY
Good night, Mrs. Matuski.(Jen’s mom Nancy closes the door and then sticks her head back in just to let the girls know she’s keeping an eye on them. Then she closes the door.)
CHRISSY
We aren’t really going to sleep, are we?JEN
No way. It’s only ten o’clock. CHRISSY
Want to play cards? I learned how to play gin rummy. You have to keep score, though.JEN
I’ve got something better. (From under the covers she pulls out…) A Ouija Board!CHRISSY
A Ouija Board! Wow! I’ve never seen one.JEN
I found it in the attic. I think it used to belong to my mom.CHRISSY
What do we do?JEN
Well, you see this thing here? We put our fingertips on it and ask the board questions and then it moves around and answers us. CHRISSY
That’s so crazy. Ask it something. Ask it something.JEN
Okay. Um. Will Chrissy have a boyfriend before the school year is over?CHRISSY
Good one.(They have their fingers on the indicator and it starts moving.)
JEN
It’s moving. Are you moving it?CHRISSY
No. Are you?JEN
No! (Chrissy lets out a little squeal.)
CHRISSY
Yes! It stopped on “yes.” I wonder who it will be.JEN
I bet it’s John Stefano.CHRISSY
John Stefano? No way. John Stefano doesn’t like me.JEN
John Stefano totally likes you. That’s why he’s flunking algebra. If you didn’t sit in front of him he’d probably get an “A” and wouldn’t drool so much on his papers.CHRISSY
Does John Stefano like me?(The indicator moves again and lands back on “yes.”)
JEN
Told you! John Stefano has the hots for you. We didn’t even need to ask.CHRISSY
Let’s ask about you. Will Jen be kissed by a boy, that’s not her brother or father-JEN
Ew!CHRISSY
I didn’t mean it that way. Will Jen be kissed romantically by a boy by the end of the school year?(The indicator moves, again.)
JEN
Where’s it going?CHRISSY
It’s spelling something out… B-JEN
Brian? I don’t know a Brian? CHRISSY
-O-JEN
Or a Bob.CHRISSY
-R-E-D.JEN
Bored?CHRISSY
What does that mean?JEN
Ask it, again.CHRISSY
Will Jen be kissed by a really cute boy this year?(The indicator moves again.)
CHRISSY
H-O-JEN
I am not!CHRISSY
H-U-M. Ho-hum? Don’t you like our questions?(The indicator moves, again.)
JEN
Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-ZCHRISSY
Zzzzzzzz? You’re going to get kissed by a bee?JEN
I think it’s being sarcastic. It doesn’t like our questions.CHRISSY
Fine. Well, then, Mr. Smart Pants Ouija Board, what do you want to talk about?(The indicator quickly starts spelling.)
JEN AND CHRISSY
J-E-N-S-M-O-M-N-A-N-C-Y.JEN
Jen’s mom, Nancy.CHRISSY
It wants to talk about your mom!JEN
Why do you want to talk about my mom?(The indicator moves again, quickly.)
JEN AND CHRISSY
M-I-L-F.CHRISSY
Milf! The board wants to get it on with your mom.JEN (to Chrissy)
My mom’s a milf?(The indicator starts moving.)
CHRISSY
M-E-O-W. This thing’s really got it bad for your mom.JEN
Should we tell her?JEN’S MOM NANCY (entering)
Tell me what?JEN
Mom!JEN’S MOM NANCY
I heard someone shout “milf.” Now, I’m not going to pretend I don’t know what that word means, but I am concerned that it is being screamed in my house. Oh, hey, a Ouija Board. I used to have one of those.JEN
It is yours. I found it in the attic.CHRISSY
It likes you, Mrs. Matuski. It called you a milf.JEN'S MOM NANCY (shaken)
Oh. Oh, dear. That’s why I put it away all those years ago. All it wanted to do was talk about me. Exciting at first and then it got real creepy. And rude, which it still seems to be. You tell that Ouija Board that it needs to grow up and move on. The things I said when I was 16 certainly don’t apply anymore. People change. Ouija Boards should,too. And if he doesn’t move on, well, tell him it’s not too late to donate him to the Salvation Army. Mommy needs a drink.(She exits.)
JEN
Sorry Ouija Board.CHRISSY
Are you okay?(The indicator moves again.)
JEN AND CHRISSY
S-N-I-F-F. Aw.(They try to console the board as lights fade.)
