Written by Joe Janes
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DR. GIMPLE, 60s
(We hear some important news music. Lights up on news anchors Ron and Lydia along with Dr. Gimple breaking in to our regularly scheduled programming for some important news.)
RONI’m Ron Kaufman.
LYDIAAnd I’m Lydia Perez.
RONWe interrupt our regular programming to bring you this breaking news story…
LYDIAAn unidentified Lakeview man is dead. Medical examiners believe the cause of death is a gunshot wound.
RONHere to help us better understand this condition is physician and spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control, Dr. Eduard Gimple.
LYDIADr. Gimple, please tell us, what causes gunshot wounds?
DR. GIMPLELydia, gunshot wounds are caused by bullets being discharged from a gun. The only way to be harmed by one of these bullets is if they are airborne, in which case they can enter through the nose, the throat, the eyes, any part of the body, really.
RONWhere do these bullets come from, Doctor? Mexicans?
LYDIAGay people who want to marry?
DR. GIMPLEThere’s a lot of speculation. Some even think black presidents cause them.
(They all laugh.)
DR. GIMPLEThe truth is, any human can carry bullets. And that alone is not anything to be concerned about. Bullets are harmless without a gun, their natural receptor.
LYDIAHow can I tell if I have a gun?
DOCTORGood question. You might have a gun and not even know it. A simple test you can do at home is to run your hand along the sides of your torso, lower back and legs. If you feel a lump under the sweat glands or along the calf, you might have a gun.
RONDoctor, is there anything I can do to prevent being shot by a bullet?
DR. GIMPLEAvoid crowded places, Ron, such as post offices, universities and 7-11s. The best thing you can do is stay indoors. But that’s also not a guarantee. People have been known to catch bullets in their homes.
LYDIAWill washing my hands help?
RONDr. Gimple, how do I know if I have been shot with one of these bullets?
DR. GIMPLEThere are some telltale symptoms. Achiness, throbbing pains, light-headedness, unfamiliar holes in your flesh and bleeding.
LYDIAIf I think I’ve been shot, what should I do?
DR. GIMPLEAs quickly as you can, just go home and crawl in to bed. Rest. Drink plenty of liquids. If after a day or two you don’t feel any better, then go see a doctor.
RONAre gunshot wounds always lethal?
DR. GIMPLENo, no. Not at all. That’s a common misperception. There are some people who have been shot multiple times with only minor side effects. However, elderly people and infants should try to avoid being around guns as much as possible. They are very susceptible to its ill effects.
LYDIAExcuse me, doctor. We just got word now that an elementary school student on the south side has just been shot. We’re waiting to receive word on her condition.
DR. GIMPLESchools are a virtual breeding ground for bullets. Once one student has been shot, it’s possible more will quickly follow. I wouldn’t be surprised if that school closes its doors and sends everyone home for a day or two.
RONHow serious is this problem, Dr. Gimple? Are we looking at a nationwide pandemic of gunshot wounds?
DR. GIMPLEI don’t think there’s any reason to panic, just yet. Gunshot wounds are a lot more common than you might think. Last year in this country alone over 30,000 people died from common, run-of-the-mill gunshot wounds. They can vary in intensity, which has made it difficult to create an effective vaccine to combat them.
LYDIAWe need to wrap up. Any final words on what our viewers should do about gunshot wounds?
DR. GIMBLEThe very best thing you can do is stay away from bullets.
LYDIAYou know I will.
RONMe, too. Thank you, Dr. Gimple.
LYDIAWe now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.