Week 36, Day 248 - "Oblique Oblige"

“Oblique Oblige”

Written by Joe Janes

9/23/09

248 of 365

CAST

Pat, 50s

Mona, 50s

Carl, 50s

Belinda, 50s

(Lights up on Mona and Pat driving home at night. Pat is driving. Mona looks out the window. They are quiet. They are listening to a CD of Barbra Streisand’s Greatest Hits. Nothing going on but driving and Barbra. Suddenly the music stops cold. Pat looks at the CD player. He starts punching it.)

PAT

God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.

MONA

Easy, Pat. You got it.

PAT

Got what?

MONA

You taught it a thing or two. Leave it alone.

PAT

Piece of crap CD player.

MONA

Try the radio.

(Pat turns on the radio. All we hear is static. He tries to find a station. All we hear is static, static, static, BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC, static, static, static, static, static, static, more BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC. He shuts it off.)

PAT

God fucking damn.

(They drive in silence for a moment.)

MONA

The party was nice.

PAT

Yeah. It was. 30^th Anniversary, you think Carl and Belinda would spring for something better than a sheet cake from the grocery store.

MONA

The roast was good.

PAT

The roast was good. That Belinda knows how to stick it to meat. Where were you when I won the Jenga tournament?

MONA

Oh, uh, Carl was giving some of us a tour of their new basement.

(Mona looks out the window and quickly moves to stage right where Carl is banging her on top of a washing machine. They are both making hushed upper middle-age animal noises as Carl climaxes. He, exhaustedly backs away from her, putting himself together. She does the same, straightening out her dress.)

MONA

Happy anniversary, Carl.

CARL

Thanks, Mona. That was better than that shitty sheet cake.

MONA

Hope we didn’t dent your washing machine.

CARL

I wouldn’t worry about that piece of crap. I’m getting a new one next week. You’ll need to come back over and help me break it in.

MONA

As soon as this extra crease in my ass smoothes out.

CARL

Oh, shoot. Mona. I didn’t use any protection.

MONA

I don’t think you should worry about it. I never took off my girdle.

(Mona quickly moves back to the car and Carl exits.)

PAT

Was it good?

MONA

What?

PAT

The new basement.

MONA

It was okay.

PAT

Better than ours?

MONA

It was okay. Sorry I missed the Jenga tournament. What did the winner get?

(Pat quickly moves to stage right and starts groping and grinding against Belinda who stands rather stoically eating cake.)

PAT

Oh, Belinda. Belinda. Mona never lets me do this.

BELINDA

Do what, exactly?

PAT

This. This thing I’m doing. She never lets me do just this.

BELINDA

Doesn’t seem like you need much of a return volley in this game. Try doing it while she’s asleep.

PAT

She wakes up.

(Pat steps away from her and climaxes without touching himself.)

PAT (continuing)

Oh, God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.

(He goes back to holding her.)

PAT (continuing)

Was it good for you?

BELINDA

Unbelievable.

PAT

I thought so, too.

(Pat quickly returns to the car as Belinda exits.)

PAT (continuing)

What?

MONA

What’d the winner get?

PAT

Oh. Just, um, bragging rights. “I won.”

MONA

Yay.

(They go back to driving in silence.)

MONA (continuing)

Thirty years.

PAT

Long time.

MONA

Let’s see, if Phillip and I hadn’t divorced, heck, we’d still only be at twenty years.

PAT

My two previous wives combined don’t amount to twenty years, let alone thirty.

MONA

Wonder what their secret is?

PAT

What secret?

MONA

For being together thirty years.

PAT

Oh, right. Guess they just really love each other.

MONA

Guess so. Think we’ll make it to thirty?

PAT

Oh, hell, yes.

MONA

Me, too.

(She moves over and puts her head on his shoulder. They drive in silence for another moment. She smacks the CD player and it starts playing Barbra Streisand from where it left off. They both look surprised and laugh about it. Lights fade.)

Week 26, Day 180 - “Angry Cow”

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“Angry Cow”
Written by Joe Janes
7/17/09
180 of 365

CAST
Billy, 40s
Ray, 40s

(Lights up on Ray and Billy in Billy’s basement den. Billy is looking at his watch. Ray is holding a glass. There is a small keg on a table before them.)

BILLY

And…it…is…now…almost…there! Ready!

RAY

You’re going to be the next Sam Adams, Billy.

BILLY

We’ll see, Ray. We’ll see. Hand me your glass.

(Billy taps the small keg and pours Ray a glass.)

BILLY

Wait. Don’t sip it, yet.

(Billy takes another glass and pours himself some.)

RAY

Ah, yes. Please join me in a drink, Sir.

BILLY

It would be my pleasure, Sir. Let us gentle men partake of our handcrafted beer.

RAY

Life’s lubricant.

BILLY

The true vessel of humanity.

RAY

To your own brand – What do you call it?

BILLY

I christen thee, Angry Cow.

RAY

A fitting tribute.

BILLY

My ticket to beer stardom.

RAY

My ticket to free beer.

(They clink their glasses and sip.)

BILLY

Not bad.

RAY

Not bad, at all.

BILLY

Michelle said I needed a hobby.

RAY

A man must fill his time with goodly deeds.

BILLY

I thought watching television was a worthwhile endeavor.

RAY

It’s not like you turn it on just to fill the void.

BILLY

Nor do I flip. I am not a channel flipper. I know what I want to watch when I want to watch it.

RAY

That takes forethought. You are a man with a plan.

BILLY

But Michelle thinks watching TV is watching TV, period. It’s unproductive.

RAY

Unproductive? Then why do TV shows have producers?

BILLY

I wish I had thought of that.

RAY

Now, you make beer.

BILLY

I am now a producer of beer in my basement den. I saw a documentary on the Food Network and I thought, “I can do that.”

RAY

Take that, Michelle.

BILLY

Life is about finding those opportunities.

RAY

Have you called the bank, yet?

BILLY

No. How long does it take to get your wife’s name off your credit cards?

RAY

Took no time at all to take Julie’s name off my cards. You just have to call.

BILLY (pouring himself more beer)

I’ll call after this beer.

(They sip.)

RAY

Anything on TV?

BILLY

I don’t know. Turn it on and see.

RAY (picking up remote and clicking it)

Take that, Angry Cow.

(Lights fade.)

Week 19, Day 128 - "Book Club"

TWO PLUGS: This weekend is your last chance to see "Throwing Heat" - info is to your left. Also, check out Mac n Cheese Dinner Parties. I went to a party a few weeks ago and had a great time. It was an awesome opportunity to meet people outside my usual circles.


“Book Club”
Written by Joe Janes
5/26/09
128 of 365

CAST
Dina, 30s
Carly, 30s
Kim, 30s
Dave, 30s
Marty, 30s
Boon, 30s

(Lights up on Dina and Carly seated on a couch. In the background, Dave and Marty are chatting. Carly is noticeably pregnant. Dina is nervous.)

CARLY

Did you read the book?

DINA

I did. I’m not sure what to make of it.

CARLY

Oprah liked it.

DINA

Good enough for me. Nathan took me out to dinner last night to Charlie Trotters.

CARLY

Pretty fancy for a Thursday. What was the occasion?

(Dina holds up her hand and shows Carly her new engagement ring. Carly squeals.)

DINA

Shhh – Shhh – I want to break the news to the whole group when everyone gets here. But I just had to tell you first.

CARLY

I am so happy for you. Nathan is such a great guy. I wish I had been that lucky.

DINA

Wha-?

MARTY

Hey, let’s get this literary shindig rocking, Boon.

(Marty and Dave head over to the sofa and chairs. Boon and Kim enter. Kim carries a bottle of wine.)

KIM (a little tipsy)

Does anybody need more wine?

CARLY

I could use some.

(Kim pours Carly a little as she gets a look from Dina.)

CARLY (continuing)

What? It’s red wine. It’s good for the baby.

(Marty rolls his eyes.)

BOON

Hey, everybody, before we get started, Kim and I have something we want to say.

KIM

You guys are our best friends in the whole world and we always want it to be that way. We love the Friday book club. We love you guys.

BOON

What Kim is trying to say is that we’re going to get a divorce.

(General reactions of “what!?!”)

KIM

It’s okay. It’s okay. We still like each other.

BOON

We just realized that we were more just friends or roommates instead of what we thought a married couple should be.

DAVE

Will we still do Book Club?

KIM

Oh, hell yes. We don’t want anything to change. It will all still be the same, except that Boon and I won’t be hitched. And we can even still have it here. I’m keeping the house.

BOON

She’s keeping the house.

KIM

But it doesn’t change a goddam thing. Book Club forever! Let’s get started. Who read “Cassandra’s New Lover”?

(Everyone looks at each other uncomfortably.)

MARTY

I like how you guys are handling this. You seem pretty okay with it.

KIM

We are.

BOON

Oh, yes. Definitely. We still want to be close friends. Just not married.

MARTY

Well, as a guy who’s been through two divorces already, let me know if you need any guidance.

CARLY

Yeah. Marty’s got a rewards card from the courthouse. Soon he’ll get discounts on alimony.

MARTY

Dave and Dina, you two are so lucky to be single.

DAVE

I wouldn’t mind being married.

DINA

Actually, I-

CARLY

Honey, we should tell them.

MARTY

Really? Now?

CARLY

Yes. Now.

MARTY

Carly and I are splitting up.

(Slightly more intense reactions of “what!?!”)

CARLY

I thought the baby would change things, but Marty’s still a self-absorbed ass that doesn’t know how to communicate.

MARTY

Guilty as charged. And Carly still has the mood swings of an oscillating lawn sprinkler. And, boy, if the pregnancy doesn’t just point up that fact. It’s really been a pleasure.

DAVE

You’re separating. Not divorcing? So, you might get back together.

DINA

Well, that’s good. You’re giving yourself some distance to work things out.

MARTY

That’s the idea, but you know, whatever (He trails off mumbling.)

CARLY

Marty bought a condo across the street so he can be close by to help raise little Ignatius.

DINA

Ignatius?

MARTY

Yep. That’s another reason.

CARLY

But we’re going to be civil and we don’t want this in anyway to disrupt the Friday night Book Club. So, “Cassandra’s New Lover.” I liked it. I wasn’t crazy about the estranged brother character-

DINA

Oh, me, neither. What was the point?

KIM

Holy fucking shit look at that rock!

BOON

Wow!

DAVE

You’re engaged, Dina?

DINA

Yep, Nathan got down on his knees last night.

CARLY

That ring is humongous.

DINA

It’s from Jared’s.

MARTY

So, Nathan got down on his knees twice.

KIM

Well, this is a celebration!

BOON

You and Nathan are going to be so happy together.

DINA

You think?

(General “Oh, yeas” and “sures” except from Dave. Silence.)

DINA (continuing)

Thanks.

DAVE

What is wrong with you people? Everyone I know is getting a divorce. Here, at work, in my family. They’re either getting a divorce or they’re pregnant, and that’s not going so well, either. I’ve been single my entire adult life and not for lack of trying. I’ve been engaged once, engaged-to-be-engaged twice. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t even get in to this marriage club that you guys are
shitting all over. I like the idea of being committed to one person my whole life and sticking with them when things get rough, through thick and thin, till death do us part.

DINA

I want that, Dave. I want that for Nathan and me.

DAVE

Then I highly recommend you stop hanging out with these pillars of wedded bliss.

BOON

Dave. You’re a single guy. Why do you even hang out with married people at a book club on a Friday night?

MARTY

Moot point. If he stands there long enough, we’ll all be single, again.

DAVE

I had a crush on Dina. Sorry, I should have told you, but you were always seeing someone or I was. We never seemed to both be available at the same time.

DINA

I love Nathan.

MARTY (to Dave)

Give it a year.

(Blackout.)

Week 18, Day 123 - “Casa de Ned"

“Casa de Ned”
Written by Joe Janes
5/21/09
123 of 365

CAST:
Ned, 40s
Clancy, 12

(Lights up on Ned, in his underwear, making Jiffy Pop popcorn on the stove. Clancy, dressed, stands nearby watching, an odd mix of curiosity and concern on his young face.)

NED

What’s the matter, Clancy? Haven’t you ever had Jiffy Pop popcorn before?

CLANCY

No.

NED

Used to have it all the time when I was a kid. Good stuff. Have a seat. This shouldn’t take too long.

CLANCY

There’s no place to sit.

NED

Sure there is.

CLANCY

You don’t have any furniture.

NED

Sure I do. Here. Grab this. (He does) Just keep shaking it.

(Ned opens up the door to the balcony and brings in a cheap lawn chair.)

CLANCY

Why don’t you use the microwave for popcorn?

NED

Because I don’t have a microwave.

CLANCY

Mom does.

NED

Mom has a lot of things that I used to have. Here, pardner. A chair. Have a seat. Let dad do the cooking. (Ned resumes shaking the Jiffy Pop as Clancy sits in the lawn chair.) How’d you like sleeping out on the balcony last night? Just like camping, right?

CLANCY

I had trouble getting to sleep because of the smell from the dumpsters. And when I did, the garbage truck woke me up.

NED

Sorry about that. Shouldn’t be a problem, tonight. They only come once a week, you know. Here we go! Popcorn.

(Ned turns over a milk crate and sets the Jiffy Pop on it. Ned crouches as they both eat it.)

NED (continuing)

Good stuff, ain’t it?

CLANCY (shrugs)

Mom usually makes pancakes for breakfast.

NED

You’re not at your mom’s. You’re at your dad’s. And here at Case de Ned, we eat like men. And men eat popcorn for breakfast. Want to be a man, don’t you, Ned?

CLANCY

Yes. I guess. I don’t know. Why’s your place so small?

NED

Because I like it that way. It’s like living in a hotel.

CLANCY

Hotels have furniture.

NED

It’s like camping out in a hotel room. And I can put my clothes anywhere I want. Look, here are my pants, right where I left them. (He puts on his pants, peels off the popsicle wrapper stuck to the leg.)

CLANCY

What are we going to do, today?

NED

The question is what do you want to do, today?

CLANCY

Can we go see the polar bears at the zoo?

NED (checks his wallet)

Gosh, Clancy, I don’t know. It’s a Saturday. The zoo’s going to be really crowded.

CLANCY

Can we go see a movie?

NED

Movie? You can do that whenever you want, can’t you? It’s our first full day together in a long time and I’ve got this rad new studio apartment.

CLANCY

Got any games?

NED

Games? Hell, yes, I’ve got games. I have… Tetris on my cell phone. (He pulls his phone out of his pants and hands it to Clancy.) There you go. Now, we’re having fun. What are you doing?

CLANCY

Calling mom to come get me.

NED (Taking the phone back)

Hey, hey, now, Clancy. What would you want to do that for? This is a weekend just for us boys. Men.

CLANCY

I guess I thought you’d just have more stuff. And things to do. I missed you, Dad, but this place makes me feel sad.

NED

Lookie, here, Clancy. I hear you. I missed you, too. Every minute of every day. I wanted this weekend to be special. You’re my boy and I don’t like you seeing your old man living like this. But, the truth is, this is just where I’m at, right now. I remember when I was a kid, I used to think my parents had it all handled. If they needed or wanted anything, they just opened up their wallet or purse and made stuff happen. Life doesn’t work that way. I still have the same bills I had when I lived with you and your mom AND I have this place. But I’m only making the same salary at work. I’m pretty stretched. I’m doing my best and it will get better. You’ll see. Next time you come, bet you I have a couch. Maybe one that even folds out into a bed big enough for two.

(Clancy gives his dad a hug.)

CLANCY

Can we at least go get a real breakfast?

NED

Um…

CLANCY

Mom gave me twenty bucks.

NED

Sure, let’s go.

(Blackout)

Week 17, Day 116 - "Untucked"

“Untucked”
Written by Joe Janes
5/14/09
116 of 365

CAST
Denver, 30s
Seth, 30s
Ned, 30s
Marianne, 30s
Holly, 30s
Mary Jo, 30s

(Lights up on a small get together at Ned and Marianne’s. Ned is setting out some refreshments. Holly and Mary Jo are chatting in the corner. Marianne enters and heads towards Ned.)

MARIANNE

No sign of Denver.

NED

Look, I know he’s been through a rotten divorce, but your brother’s not the kind to just sit in the parking lot and not come in to the party.

MARIANNE

Yes, he is. Who else is coming?

NED

Aside from Christine, I’m not really sure. I just did an e-mail blast at work. I didn’t ask for any RSVPs.

MARIANNE

Christine is my ringer. I told him there’d be lots of eligible ladies here.

NED

Well, you’ve got at least two, which it two more than he’s used to dealing with. Three if you include Seth in the bathroom. It’s been over six months. It’s time for him to get back on the horse.

MARIANNE

I know. He’s just so sensitive.

(The doorbell rings.)

NED

I bet that’s him, now.

(Marianne opens the door. Denver enters. He wears a sharp, striped shirt, untucked, nice jeans, black and white Chuck Taylor’s, a choker and has some gel in his hair. He carries a bottle of wine.)

MARIANNE

Denver!

DENVER

Hi.

MARIANNE

You look great. Look at you. Ned, come here. Look at Denver.

NED

Styling, dude.

MARIANNE

You’ve got stuff in your hair and a thing around your neck.

DENVER

It’s not too much, is it?

MARIANNE

Denver, you look very handsome. The ladies are going to be falling all over you. What’s that …? Cologne?

DENVER

Axe. I’m wearing Axe.

NED

That smells familiar.

MARIANNE

And you brought wine. My brother brought some wine, Holly and Mary Jo.

DENVER

Hi. I’m Denver. (To Mary) Is Christine here, yet?

MARIANNE

Not yet. You are so going to love her.

NED (taking bottle)

Zinfandel. Good. I didn’t have Zinfandel. I’ll put it over here by Seth’s wine coolers.

(Mary Jo and Holly whisper and giggle to one another)

MARIANNE

I think they like what they see.

DENVER

You sure? I think they’re laughing at me.

MARIANNE

You have a lot to learn about women.

DENVER

My ex-wife would agree. Boy, that feels weird to say.

MARY JO

You look like someone, Denver.

DENVER

A celebrity?

HOLLY

In his own mind, maybe. A guy we work with.

(Seth enters. He is wearing the exact same outfit as Denver. Exactly.)

SETH

Oh, my God!

(Denver turns and sees Seth.)

MARIANNE

Oh, look at you two. Look at them, Ned.

NED

Adorable.

(Denver is speechless)

SETH

It’s like looking in a mirror.

MARY JO

Did you two call each other before coming to the party?

DENVER (defensive)

No. No, we didn’t. I don’t even know this man.

MARY JO

I was just kidding.

SETH

This is so crazy. I’ve never had this happen before. I mean, I’ve been to a few clubs where everyone was wearing leather pants, but that was more of an unspoken dress code. Are you wearing Axe or am I just getting a second whiff of my own bad self.

DENVER

Must be you.

NED

It’s you, Denver. I thought I smelled that earlier. You two are two smelly peas in a pod.

DENVER

No, we’re not.

SETH (holding out his hand to Denver)

I’m Seth. I’ll be your doppelganger for the evening.

DENVER

That’s nice. Look, I’m going to head home. I suddenly feel a very strong urge to change my clothes.

MARIANNE

Don’t go, Denver. I know you. You’ll go home and just stay home. So, you’re both wearing the same outfit. It happens to people.

DENVER

Not to guys.

HOLLY

I think it’s adorable.

DENVER

I don’t want it to be adorable. This is all new clothes. I picked them out because I thought it might make me look, you know, sexy.

SETH

It does.

DENVER

To women.

SETH

Sexy is sexy.

(The doorbell rings.)

DENVER

We can’t spend the evening both looking like this. I’m meeting someone. One of us has to do something. Tuck in your shirt.

NED

That’s probably Christine. I’ll get it.

SETH

I’m not going to tuck in my shirt. That looks gay.

(As Ned and Marianne get the door to let Christine in, Denver tries to get Seth to distinguish his outfit. They fight over who should tuck in his shirt and button up more. It turns in to a low-key wrestling match, one that Seth is not adverse to.)

NED

Christine!

MARIANNE

Oh, my, you look just lovely.

CHRISTINE

Thanks. Sorry I’m late. I’m a little nervous to meet your brother.

MARIANNE

He’s been so cute. He’s nervous, too. Let me –

(They all turn and notice Seth and Denver wrestling with Denver trying to tuck in Seth’s shirt. They stop and look at Christine.)

DENVER

Hi. I’m Denver.

SETH

I’m Seth.

DENVER

Shut up.

SETH

You shut up.

CHRISTINE

You guys look adorable.

SETH

Thank you.

CHRISTINE

Are you guys twins or something?

DENVER

No. Tuck in your shirt!

SETH

I was wearing this outfit first. You tuck in your shirt.

DENVER

I can’t. I didn’t wear a belt and I have a muffin top.

SETH

Too bad.

(He pulls Seth’s hair.)

DENVER

I’m the one trying to desperately hook up with a girl.

SETH

I don’t think you’re scoring any points here.

(Seth racks Denver in the balls. Denver drops in agony.)

CHRISTINE

You poor man. (She helps Seth up.) Sorry, Marianne, but your brother has some issues he needs to work out. Let me get you some Zinfandel.

(Christine walks Seth over to the wine table.)

MARIANNE

I’ll go get you some ice.

NED

I’ll go with you. I’m getting sympathy pains.

(They exit.)

DENVER

I never had anything like this happen before. This ever happen to women?

MARY JO

Oh, sure.

HOLLY

All the time. Happened to us once at a Single Mingle.We both wore the same red dress.

DENVER

What did you do?

MARY JO

Same thing you did.

HOLLY

Punched her right in the nut sack.

(Mary Jo nods. Lights fade.)