Moustache-A-Thon!

(Me and the soon-to-be mustache, Zed)

The beard is gone...for now.

It will return and will be the hairy thrown clay from which my spinning pottery wheel face will create...a moustache!

Don't panic. It's for a good cause. I am participating in 826's Moustache-A-Thon. A facial hair growing event designed to raise money for the non-profit writing/tutoring center for which I also volunteer.

It began yesterday, thus the RedEye to prove I was coming out of the starting gate clean shaven. I have until February 18th to grow an amazing moustache. My goal...The Zed!





My mustache shall be named Zed, after Sean Connery’s character in the great bad film Zardoz. Zed is a savage warrior who threatens the status quo of the distant future - as the movie tag lines say, beyond 1984, even 2001!

Each Zed whisker of mine shall be a tentacle of brute genius hellbent on vigilante justice. Zed shall single-lippedly hurl all other competitors into the Vortex of loserdom! At the end of Mustache-a-thon, all who remain shall kneel down before Zed!

Soon I will be able to link to a site where you may show your love and devotion to Zed through monetary gifts that will benefit 826.

* Sean Connery’s character also sports a ponytail, which I will not be attempting in fear of the excess neck and back strain the extra weight might cause.


SKETCHFEST PICKS FOR TONIGHT

8PM

PENNYBEAR - West Theater - Crazy off-center comedy featuring the awesome Nancy Friedrich. On the same bill as Broadminded, an all-fem gang from Milwaukee

9:30PM

ROBOT VS DINOSAUR - South Theater - Of course you should see this! This is the "hit single" version of our Are You There God? It's Me, Satan show. Great cast, funny scenes. On the same bill as Think Tank

THE FOWLER FAMILY RADIO HOUR and LOLA BALATRO - North Theater - If you can't get in to see RvD, or you already saw the hell show, check out these guys. Fowler has been around for years and has generated good buzz. Lola features Paul Thomas from The Breeders video I did. He is a funny, prolific guy. There will probably be a lot of great comedy music in both shows, too, if you're in to that sort of thing.

For ticket info, click HERE.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An authorized sequel to the 1928 book 'The House at Pooh Corner" will be published soon and it is titled what?"

16% said "Much Ado Pooh"
- Featuring that melancholy dane, Piglet.

9% said "Son of Pooh"
- Where Pooh's offspring terrorizes New York City.

No one said "House Full of Pooh"

75% got it right with "Return to the Hundred Acre Wood"

According to BBC News, the Bear of Very Little Brain will make his comeback in Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, the first authorised sequel to Milne's original 1920s stories. "We hope that the many millions of Pooh enthusiasts and readers around the world will embrace and cherish these new stories as if they had just emerged from the pen of A A Milne himself," said Michael Brown of the Trustees of the Pooh Properties.

Yeah. Be careful with the phrase "pooh enthusiasts." Let's just say you don't want to Google it without the safesearch filter on.

Three Ugly Sweaters

Three ugly sweaters wearing three ugly sweaters.



This is just before the bevvy of Playboy bunnies came over for martinis and massages.


BEARDWATCH



One week, two days. A lot of scratching.


SKETCHFEST RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FRIDAY


8PM

FRIED GREEN DURBINS - North Theater - Megan Green and John Durbin. Very funny two-person sketch show. Smart, often silly and dark. Good stuff.

BRI-KO - South theater - All silent. All funny.

9PM

NORTH BRITON THEATRE COMPANY - West Theater - I am not familiar with any of the three 9pm slot shows, but if I were going to take a chance on one, I'd see the North Briton Theatre Company from Manchester England and their show "Not the Footlights" for no other reason than to see what the Brits are up to these days when it comes to sketch comedy.

10PM

ELEPHANT LARRY - North Theater - From New York. I've heard good things. About them. And New York.

TEN WEST - South Theater - The show to see, if you haven't seen these guys. Very fine, well executed silent comedy.

11PM

TEAM SUBMARINE - South Theater - Like Elephant Larry, these guys are becoming Sketchfest staples. Might be worth checking them out to see why.

For ticket info, click HERE.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"McCain campaign mascot Joe the Plumber has a new gig as what?"

40% said "Joe the Wal-Mart Manager"
- "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Meet me in the parking lot and I'll sell you my CD and book out of the trunk of my car."

20% said "Joe the Dancing With The Stars contestant"
- Really not so hard to believe. Look for this by the end of the year.

No one bit on "Joe the Barista"

40% got it right with "Joe the War Correspondent"

According to NBC affiliate WNWO-TV in Toledo, the Ohio man who became a household name during the presidential campaign says he is heading to Israel as a war correspondent for the conservative Web site pjtv.com.

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher (WUR'-zuhl-bah-kur) says he'll spend 10 days covering the fighting.

He tells WNWO-TV in Toledo that he wants to let Israel's "'Average Joes' share their story."

This is a wonderful idea! Look, credible journalism is going down the toilet, so let's load up the bowl and give it a big flush. Other celebrities we should immediately make into war correspondents include: Danny Bonaduce, Richard Simmons, Jay Leno, Tanya Harding, that ShamWow guy, Gary Busey, and any non celebrity you see on any VH-1 show interjecting forced snarky stupid comments about inane things (except Brad).

What I Don't Want in 2009

I don't do New Year resolutions. I suck at them. I think they are a set up for certain failure. By February, when you realize you haven't lost 50 pounds or saved up enough for a vacation or written that novel, the resolutions become a source of angst and guilt. By March, they are filed in the trash can with slim hopes of doing better next year.

I do think that the end of the year is a good time to pause, look back and look ahead. Envisioning what the new year could be is a good idea. It's like a sports team at the end of a quarter connecting with the coach and plotting their next quarter's strategy.

And I suck at that, too.

The only thing I am very clear about for 2009 is what I DON'T want.

Here's the list, so far, in no particular order...

1) My married friends need to stop splitting up. It's getting ridiculous. Those who have already split up, fine, go about your business. The rest of you, suck it up and work it out.

2) People need to stop getting cancer. Whatever you need to do to make sure this happens, please do it. More antioxidants, meditation, stop smoking, eat more broccoli... do it!

3) Stop laying people off. I know, I know, if a company's bleeding, what else can they do? This is a big one without an easy answer. There's a lot to be said about anticipating. The disastrous turn of the economy wasn't a surprise. Even I could see it coming from a mile away and I'm an idiot when it comes to money. Our country has a financial culture based on being in debt and hoping for the best. That needs to change on a personal level and on a corporate level. Let's make Chris Parnell Secretary of the Treasury.




4) People really need to stop giving their money to the International Star Registry. For fifty bucks minimum, they'll name a star and give you a certificate and a letter congratulating you on giving them fifty bucks. Here's the thing... THEY DON'T OWN THE STARS. They are not theirs to name. NASA isn't updating their charts based on additions to the International Star Registry. The Hubble telescope isn't in deep space snapping pictures of the Phil Jablonski. Kirk isn't going to tell Sulu to make a left at the Marjorie Hummelsburg. The Bible won't be re-written to show the three wise men followed the Dennis Mitchell.

5) I don't want Britney Spears to have another comeback. She's done. Go away, now.

6) I don't want my breath to smell like my dad's. Love my dad, but I remember sometimes as a kid he would playfully get in my face and his breath would smell like polished antique furniture. This is why I almost always in arm's reach of a mint.

7) I don't want people getting sick or dying in this country because of inadequate health care. This is where the US really needs to get on the ball and become more compassionate than capitalist.

If I were to sum up what I do want for 2009, Kurt Vonnegut said it best.

"Be nice to each other. We’re all trying the best we can."

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last week, I asked...

"What does Joe really want for Christmas?"

50% said "A new TV"
- It's on the list, but not as high as the correct answer. I have a TV, but the sockets in the back are messed up and I'm unable to hook up a DVD player or Playstation. Inconvenient, but not a big loss.

12% said "A new girlfriend"
- Not opposed, but really feels the correct answer is more urgent and will be helpful in the acquisition of a new girlfriend.

No one thought I might like "Peace on earth"

38% got it right with "A new couch"

According to a press release from BS International Headquarters, Joe desperately needs a new couch. In fact, he simply needs a couch. Right now, the "designated couch area" is occupied by a ratan chair and an ottoman. Mr. Janes seeks the perfect couch. It has to be small enough to fit through his skinny apartment door, yet be large enough for naps and sleeping vagabonds. It should also be large enough for two people to cuddle comfortably without crushing one another or limbs becoming numb. It should definitely not be leather or faux leather or so plush that cat hair becomes embedded in it.

Janes has been looking on-line, but has an aversion to buying furniture for his body based on pictures. The search continues.

Merry Christmas or Whatever

Regardless of what you celebrate or if you celebrate - My Christmas Day celebration will consist of visiting my mother, eating at a Chinese buffet in Sandusky, Ohio and seeing Quantum of Solace (we re-watched Casino Royale last night to prepare) - hope this time of year finds you in touch with the people and things that you love the most in life.


Like guns!




See that cold, steely look in my eye? The set jaw? The stain on the floor? That's me shooting a magnum at the Oak Harbor Conservation Club. Not sure what they are out to conserve given that the building and outdoors seems primarily devoted to putting bullet-sized holes in things.





Not bad. I hit the paper less than 10% of the time. Take that, bad guys. Don't mess with me or I will blow a small portion of you away.

Yeah. Don't look for me hanging out at the local gun swaps anytime soon.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Uriel Oliva of Los Angeles was arrested in Orange County after a photo was discovered of him doing what?"

No one said "flashing his bling-bling at cops," "flashing his private parts at nuns," or "flashing his camera at celebrities"

100% got it right with "flashing gang signs on Santa"

(Unfortunately, I was having problems with blogger and what git cut off from the end of the right answer is "-'s lap." Make more sense now?)

According to KTLA News, an alleged gang member has landed himself in jail for flashing gang signs in a photo he took while sitting on Santa's lap.

Uriel Oliva, 18, was arrested early last week after a visit with Santa at the Village Mall in Orange.

Police say that Oliva was under a court order not to associate with members of his street gang, engage in gang activity or hang out at the Village Mall when the photo was taken Dec. 16.

The picture included Oliva and two other members of the Orange County Criminals gang. Oliva's probation officer apparently spotted the photo on a keychain during a probation check.

He has been sentenced to a lump of coal in his stocking.

Do Bullets Make Good Stocking Stuffers?

(Skipping the "I Believes" for today. Might hit them tomorrow for Christmas.)



This is Liberty. My brother Bob's newest dog. He also has a greyhound named Rush. Don has a mutt dog named Cheyenne who is a sweetie and slowing down a bit in her old age. All three are females and the only source of feminine energy in this household. My younger brother treats his girls very well and I think the care has lead to him drinking a little less and losing weight.

My soon-to-be 50 older brother decorates his room like he's trying to recapture lost dorm room days.



Nothing says "Welcome, ladies" like a beach babe laying prone in the sand for a seaside pelvic exam.

He also recently bought a gun.

Ever since reading The Road, my brother is convinced that in the next few years we'll all be pushing shopping carts and expanding our definition of food to include one another. I'm a little more optimistic and will never own a gun. We're going to a shooting range later today where I will get to shoot a gun for the first time. I'm actually looking forward to it. I feel like I should know a little something about guns so I can be more informed about adamantly not having one.


NEED A LAUGH?

One of my favorite sites to go to for a chuckle continues to be The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

This one cracked me up.



So, it "is" a Chinese restaurant?

Reminds me of a modern day Magritte.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Istanbul-based Baydan Shoes says they have had an increased demand for Model 271, otherwise known as the what?"

72% said "The Bush Whacker"
- Nope. That's what it would have been called had they included me in their product focus group.

18% said "The Good-Bye Kiss"
- A sole kiss? Be sure to use plenty of tongue.

No one said "The Flogger"

10% got it right with "The Bush Shoe"

According to BBC News, Istanbul-based Baydan Shoes claims it made the shoes and says it now has tens of thousands of orders from around the world - including from the US and Iraq.

The shoe was called Model 271 but has been renamed Bush shoe, the firm said.

However, the brother of shoe-throwing journalist Muntader al-Zaidi says he believes the shoes were Iraqi-made.

Durgham al-Zaidi criticised people he said were trying to exploit his brother's actions for commercial gain.

Whereas I applaud them for learning well from America. We'll turn that region into an American colony yet!

Ohio Unbound

Made it.

Interesting holiday time in Ohio this year...

My younger brother Bob doesn't want anything for Christmas. If you do anything for him, make a donation to The North Coast Greyhound Connection. Admirable. I haven't done that, yet, but did buy two flying chickens (chewy, fetchy dog toys - no actual chickens were harmed) for his dogs Rush and Liberty to play with.

My older brother Don continues to get healthier. I am writing this at his computer and am sitting on a huge yoga ball. He has ditched his office chair and replaced it with a yoga ball. I guess it's better for your back, but I am in fear of rolling off and bouncing my head off his treadmill at any moment.

I bought three ugly Christmas sweaters, as my brothers had requested, for a family picture on Thursday. They were unable to find any in Ohio. It's not that they don't make or sell them here. Oh, they do. They were looking in the wrong place. Men, if you want an ugly Christmas sweater, you won't find it in the Mens' section of a department store. You'll only find goofy holiday ties and boxer shorts there. Only women are brave enough to openly display these wool-poly blend monsters of textile art. The three sweaters I bought were from the Plus Size Womens' Section of a K-Mart. I had to convince my brothers that it was okay to wear a woman's sweater, especially since the goal was to look ridiculous. They conceded, but suggested we keep the tags on so I can return them.

Today, I eat porridge (my brother made porridge and it is good), post my grades for my Columbia students, do some exploring around the iced-over town, meet my brother to go pick up raw milk from a farm in Maumee and then take some over to my cousin Nate.

I'm glad I was able to come in to town early to be able to do these things. It's good to come back to where you came from to get in touch with your roots and affirm why you got the hell out of here in the first place.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"For the first time ever at Christmas, the same song, different cover versions of an older song, holds the number one and two spot on the British music charts. The original song is what?"

66% said "John Lennon's "Happy Christmas - War is Over""
- Happy Christmas! No one did a cover of this classic and had a hit with it.

9% said "Randy Brooks' "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer""
- This American classic remains unsullied by a British invasion.

No one thought it was "David Seville's "Christmas Don't Be Late"
- Probably would have received a few votes of I had mention is was David Seville AND THE CHIPMUNKS. But it would still be as wrong as when it came out in 1958.

25 % got it right with "Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah""

According to Cape Argus News, Leonard Cohen's song Hallelujah has made British chart history, becoming both number one and number two in the Christmas singles charts - although both versions are covers.

Alexandra Burke took the top slot with her version after winning the TV talent show X Factor this month, and fans of US musician Jeff Buckley got his classic version to number two through downloads.

Sony/BMG would really prefer I not embed the Jeff Buckley music video of "Hallelujah" but you can find it HERE.

Same for Alexandra Burke's belted out American Idolized version of the same song. You can find it HERE.

The first one by Buckley is more heartfelt and sincere. Burke's version, however, is the thick slab of cheese I demand from my pop star Christmas carols. His is better, but she wins. Life is unfair. Merry Christmas. Enjoy the porridge.

Ohio Bound

The advantage to not being in a relationship around the holidays is that I only have to fit in one family. The last two years have been "surgical strikes" - see her parents in Indiana Christmas eve, see mine Christmas day, drive home the day after Christmas. This year, I'm leaving for Ohio this afternoon and coming back on Saturday. I'm looking forward to spending more time relaxing into the week, hanging out with my brothers, eating good food, seeing some high school friends and extended family.

Being gone for so long meant...cat sitter. I considered bringing the critters with me, but they hate riding in the car and it's a six hour drive (possibly more as I will be stopping at truck stops along the way looking for gaudy Christmas sweaters. I'll tell you about that later.) Plus, my brother Bob has two retired greyhounds he adopted and I wouldn't want them to confuse the cats for mechanical racetrack rabbits. Houdini and Oona are okay on their own at home for two-three days, past that, they start ordering pizzas on-line and running up their credit cards. My friend Cate has graciously volunteered to be their buddy while I'm gone. That means she's entitled to gingerbread cookies and that really great chocolate nutty ball candy thing I can't pronounce that's like eating an angel's testicles.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"A pediatric neurosurgeon says a tumor he removed from the brain of a Colorado Springs infant contained a what?"

50% said "image of the Virgin Mary"
- Sorry. It was Elvis. So close!

8% said "part of a condom"
- There's a fine line between "most effective" and "100% effective" and that fine line is really an umbilical cord.

No one said "small stone"

42% got it right with "foot"

According to The Huffington Post, a pediatric neurosurgeon says a tumor he removed from the brain of a Colorado Springs infant contained a tiny foot and other partially formed body parts.

Dr. Paul Grabb said he operated on Sam Esquibel at Memorial Hospital for Children after an MRI showed a tumor on the newborn's brain. Sam was 3 days old and otherwise healthy.

Grabb said that while removing the growth, he discovered it contained a nearly perfect foot and the formation of another foot, a hand and a thigh.

The growth may have been a case of "fetus in fetu" _ in which a fetal twin begins to form within another _ but such cases very rarely occur in the brain, Grabb said.

The baby's doing fine, by the way. Meanwhile, Stephen King wannabees everywhere, start your novels!

Don't get too creeped out by this photo. It's not the actual picture, just a stock baby foot photo. The rest of the baby is on the other side of those hands. Must be an ugly baby since they're only willing to show the bottom of the left foot.

When Life Gives You Lumps...

Make Lumponade?




Judy Fabjance is one of my favorite persons in the world. Sweet, caring, funny, loves animals, has a great partner and a wonderful baby. I met her while she was working for the training center over ten years ago and performing in the early days of GayCo. I had one of those secret "maybe she's not really gay" crushes on her.

She's one of the most positive persons I know. And she has cancer. Just found out yesterday and I was waiting/hoping to find out it was a joke.

Her family has set up a blog tracking her progress and allow friends to post their prayers and wishes and assorted healthy vibes.

If you don't get a chance to read all the updates, at least check out her initial welcome post HERE.



YES, I COULD WATCH THIS ALL DAY

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A report published by CHEMTrust shows that pollution has caused more occurrences of what in males?"

61% said "male pattern baldness"
- That's what I get for wearing asbestos hats.

15% said "backne"
- That's from swimming in Lake Michigan.

9% said "unibrows"
- Blame my mom for that.

15% got it right with "feminized genitalia"

According to The Independent, the male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife, startling scientific research from around the world reveals.

The research shows that a host of common chemicals is feminising males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people.

Backed by some of the world's leading scientists, who say that it "waves a red flag" for humanity and shows that evolution itself is being disrupted, the report comes out at a particularly sensitive time for ministers.

So, what does feminized male genitalia look like? Like this, of course.



Stay away from bees.

The Captain's Room

Being a grown-up and all, you should be able to do whatever you damn well please when it comes to furnishing your apartment. As much as I would love for my apartment to look like the Nautilus submarine and my bedroom to look like Captain Nemo's quarters, it's just not feasible. For one, it costs a lot to do it right and I won't settle for less than authenticity. Two, women look at you funny when you ask them to pretend they have just been saved from a giant squid and it would really go better with the apartment if you put on this corset, oh, please. Don't make the captain beg.

So, I found some tasteful big boy furniture that I really do like. It's a platform bed and I got a matching nightstand. It's like living in a hotel. And I won't have to grow a beard or wear a sea captain's uniform to get the full effect. Cats sold separately.




HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEN ELLISON!

Hope you don't have a crappy Tuesday. Here she is as Dada Dabo about to bite Dada Mondo Yippeeeeeee's head on the streets of Chicago.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Judge Paul Sacco of Colorado makes noise ordinance violators do what?"

10% said "take meditation classes"
- He did, but that loud "ohm" sound was pissing off the neighbors.

No one said "buy ear plugs for their neighbors" or "whisper"

90% got it right with "listen to Barry Manilow"

According to the Associated Press, Fort Lupton Municipal Judge Paul Sacco says his novel punishment of forcing noise violators to listen to music they don't like for one hour has cut down on the number of repeat offenders in this northwestern Colorado prairie town. About four times a year, those guilty of noise ordinance violations are required to sit in a room and listen to music from the likes of Manilow, Barney the Dinosaur, and The Platters' crooning "Only You."

Sacco began the program years ago when he noticed that many of the repeat offenders simply showed up at his courtroom to pay their fine with cash.

"Most kids don't want to hear somebody like Glenn Close trying to sing opera," he said.

...Okay. Good idea. I don't think The Platters belong on the list, but if I were a teenager playing my gothemometal music too loud, I could see where "Only You" might be like taking medicine. But it is good for you.

And, FYI, let's clear up the magnificent Glenn Close's reputation here. She does not sing opera. She once did a forgettable movie called Meeting Venus in which she played a diva opera singer. Her voice was dubbed. You can watch the trailer HERE.

My Gods

The premise of Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods is simple and brilliant. Basically, the old school gods, like Pan, have disappeared or are on the wane, because people have stopped believing in them. We know they have stopped believing in them, because people no longer build temples to worship them. No worship, no god. It's a very co-dependent relationship. However, new gods have been created through our unconscious worshiping. The television is seen as an altar in every home that is worshipped on hours daily, thus creating a type of electronic god.

Based on that criteria, who are my gods?

1) The God of Dishes - Every morning, first thing I do, is feed the cats and wash the dishes. I stand before the stainless steel altar and cleanse my enchanted cookery and then place them on another altar that elevates them while they dry.

2) The God of Coffee - I used to go to church (Starbucks), but now I worship at home with my french press. The press - by taking it apart, cleaning it, reassembling it, boiling and pouring water, stirring the contents with my special plastic paddle, waiting four minutes, pressing the plunger - heightens the sense of ritual in my praising of the bean.

3) The God of Cats - I make offerings (food, toys), I groom them, I pet them, I scoop up their excrement and place it in a plastic bag. These gods have been around a long time, though. The Egyptians were hip to them.

4) The God of Trains - I tithe, I pass through special portals, I stand and wait, I enter and sit quietly in communion with others.

5) The God of Computers - I even have a special place for my computer. I sit in front of it for hours. It is quickly replacing my television god as a vessel of worship.

6) The God of Blogging - Every morning, five days a week, I write an entry that I hope will please the blogging gods and send my place on the Internet a bounty of hits and comments.

So, got any gods you've been worshipping?



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Paul McCartney would like to release a 14-minute experimental music track The Beatles recorded called what?"

40% said "Crap Beatles Fans Will Pay Big Money For"
- That's just the British release featuring Sir Paul wearing a butcher's outfit and holding bags of bloody money.

10% said "The Un-fair"
- Un-nope.

No one said "Circus of the Stares"

50% got it right with "Carnival of Lights"

According to The Associated Press, McCartney says he wants to release "Carnival of Light," a 14-minute experimental track the Fab Four recorded in 1967 but never released.

The band played the recording for an audience just once, at an electronic music festival in London. It reportedly includes distorted guitar, organ sounds, gargling and shouts of "Barcelona!" and "Are you all right?" from McCartney and John Lennon.

He said he had wanted to include the track on the Beatles' "Anthology" compilation, but was vetoed by his bandmates.

With some of the crap George and Ringo have put out in their solo careers (I know, blasphemer!), it has to be pretty bad for them to veto it.

But thanks to the miracle of the Internet, here's what purports to be a cover of that tune. So, you can decide for yourself if you really need the original to fill out your Beatles catalogue.

Rewriting or Rehashing

So, the Comcast issue seems resolved. Between Mark, who commented on yesterday's entry and someone from the customer service center, my bill will be adjusted for the loss of three days. I had to volley a few e-mails with the customer service guy because I wasn't getting an answer at all on what happened. The final answer I got was "equipment failure." Well, okay. Hard to argue that point. My experience last year just makes me really suspicious of anything that happens with Comcast a month-ish after I move. I do want to reiterate that every time I have dealt with someone at Comcast they have been super nice and these two post-move issues are the only problems I have ever had with them. If I ever find out these customer representatives are sitting in a windowless room in India working 18 hour days and making five cents an hour, then I'll be pissed.


WRITER'S TIP

At the Robot vs Dinosaur meeting on Wednesday I brought in two scenes that were actually extracted from a play I wrote ten years ago. The play was a full length piece that should have only been a one act. In the one act version that exists in my head, these two scenes are cut. But I like them and think they have potential to stand on their own. I can't stress enough the importance of having people to reflect back to you what they hear in your work.

One of the scenes, about a 1950s one-armed vacuum cleaner salesman visiting a lonely housewife, I thought was perfect and done. I'd just be having it read to impress my compatriots on how awesome a writer I am. Turns out, that's the one that really needs the most work. The RvD boys pointed out some inconsistencies in what one of the characters was going for. More importantly, they pointed out in some of the housewife's lines where my own voice was clearly rearing up for a joke versus the character organically speaking. I see this all the time in writing classes where the writer has inserted a joke for the joke's sake even though it does nothing to forward the story or express the character's wants or needs.

It's easy to see it in someone else's work. And it's very hard to tell someone "That's a funny bit. I think you should cut it." Actually, it's more hard to hear than to say. But quite often, that's exactly what needs to be done to strengthen a scene. The joke that the writer thought was so precious in reality acts as a speed bump pooching the reality of the scene and thwarting the audiences ability, or willingness, to emotionally invest in the outcome.

Tell the story. Hang on to the joke. You might find a more authentic place for it somewhere else. Or be able to sell it to Yakov Smirnoff.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"What distinguishes 'Jules,' a robot built in Bristol, England, from other robots is the ability to do what?"

44% said "eat and make robot doo-doo"
- Robots don't go number 2. They go number 001 1011.

22% said "make realistic telephone interactions"
- Hmm. I wonder if they work for Comcast.

11% said "make up stories"
- A robot that lies? See Cheney, Dick.

22% got it right with "make realistic facial expressions"

According to The Daily Mail, scientists have created the first 'humanoid' robot that can mimic the facial expressions and lip movements of a human being.

'Jules' - a disembodied androgynous robotic head - can automatically copy the movements, which are picked up by a video camera and mapped on to the tiny electronic motors in his skin.

It can grin and grimace, furrow its brow and 'speak' as his software translates real expressions observed through video camera 'eyes'.

Whatever you do, don't give this guy arms and legs! We'll be in big trouble then.

Of course, Disney was ahead of these guys forty plus years ago...

...And We're Back!

Generally speaking, I like Comcast. Except when I move.

On Sunday afternoon, my cable and Internet went out. What was odd, is that my laptop still indicated I was getting a wi-fi signal, but I couldn't access the Internet. On the tube, I still had my DVR and channel guide, but kept getting an eternal "Just A Moment" window. Called Comcast, the friendly lady had me plug and unplug a few things to no avail. She thought it might have to do with my modem and set me up for a visit from a Comcast tech elf. No problem, really. I could access my e-mail from work and it just put a crimp in my blogging for a few days.

Wednesday afternoon, the cable guy comes by, takes a quick look at the "Just A Moment" screen and concludes it has nothing to do with my modem, someone turned off my service. He asked if I recently moved in and then informed me that sometimes when the previous tenant's service expires, the new tenant's service gets cut off, too. Now, I don't really know if that's what happened. My cable didn't get installed until a few days after I moved in and you can bet the first thing I did when I unpacked everything was hook up my TV to the existing cable and see if I lucked into any free HBO. Nope. No such luck. The only thing I do know, is that nothing was broken on my end. Comcast owes me three days of Internet and cable.

The upside. I read more. Currently reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman. Great book. Imaginative, profilific storyteller. I can hardly stand to be away from it. I also listened to more music and radio. Not so bad from that aspect, just a pain in the ass.

THE BS NEW QUIZ OF THE DAY

Almost a week ago (!), I asked...

"Steve Lipski, a New Jersey councilman, was arrested in Washington, D.C. for doing what?

18% said "soliciting a prostitute"
- Tough call in DC. Isn't everyone a prostitute there?

No one said "buying drugs in an alley" or "accepting money from lobbyists"

82% got it right with "urinating on a crowd"

According to The Associated Press, Lipski was in D.C. to see a Grateful Dead tribute band and was spotted relieving himself on a balcony onto a crowd of concertgoers by one of the club's staffers around 9:50 p.m., club sources told the Daily News. He was charged with simple assault.

"I've resolved not to touch alcohol again," two-term Jersey City councilman Steve Lipski told the Fox 5 New York.

He went on to say that the incident was "deeply humiliating, very embarrassing" and troubling," the Daily News reported.

The 44-year-old Democratic councilman refused to admit to the lewd stunt.

Of course, he's guilty. It's the "Trickled On" economics that politicians have been practicing for decades.

I think he was urinating when this picture was taken, too.

Whew...One More Day

Polls open at 6am and I plan on being there at 5:55am.

I've heard about this, but didn't realize Chicago was a part of it. Seems a bit absurd. This is from the Chicago Board of Elections FAQ page...

Is it legal to wear campaign buttons or shirts into a polling place?

- Voters may not display buttons or shirts that promote or oppose a candidate or issue on the ballot in the "campaign free zone." That zone includes the polling place and 100 feet from the entrance. If a voter makes the mistake of wearing campaign buttons or clothes into the polling place, the judges normally advise the voter to put the buttons in a pocket or cover up the item of clothing, and after the voters take those steps, the voters are allowed to vote.

Guess I'll leave my McCain sun visor at home.

ME-ME-MEME

Mr. Hall has tagged me with a MEME.

List seven random and/or weird facts about myself:

1) I love 10cc. They were my band in high school and I am still fond of them. You've heard them. Their biggest hits were; I'm Not in Love, The Things We Do for Love and Dreadlock Holiday. They do have some suck ass albums out there, but if you stick to anything they put out in the 70's, you'll be okay.

2) I have never seen a Rambo or Rocky movie.

3) I wrote and performed my first sketch comedy revue in the fourth grade. It even included a fake newscast. This was pre-SNL.

4) My favorite trophy is "Super Saturday Champ" from Putt-Putt Golf Courses for winning a hole-in-one contest in Toledo, Ohio when I was eleven. It's tiny. Stands 4 1/2 inches high.

5) The only thing I have in my apartment to protect myself in case of a break-in is a golf club behind my bedroom door. I don't golf. Only putt-putt. I've never had to use it.

6) I once won a lip-sync contest as Phil Collins singing Can't Hurry Love and Su-Su-Sudio.

7) I used to get lost a lot as a child. I love to explore and will always be the one most likely to wander away from the group. When traveling, I'll always be up before anyone else and I'll put in a few hours walking around the neighborhood of wherever I am.

I tag Nat, Greg, Brett, Anthony and Musho.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"73-year-old Freud de Melo of Brazil has built himself a tomb that features what?"

41% said "air fresheners"
- Nothing worse than being trapped by your own funk.

8% said "insect repellent"
- Let the bug buffet begin.

No one said "misters"

51% got it right with "megaphones"

According to The Wall Street Journal, under the shade of ficus trees stands the stone burial chapel that 73-year-old Freud de Melo built. Wind chimes tinkle above the wrought-iron door. But it isn't a conventional final resting place. Inside the crypt, there's a TV, also a water pitcher and a fruit pantry. Fresh outdoor air flows in through four vents from the chapel roof. Within reach of the coffin are two makeshift megaphones -- plastic cones attached to tubes running out through the wall. Mr. de Melo, a resort operator and politician, built a burial vault he could survive in because he's gripped by a rare condition called taphephobia, the fear of being buried alive.

I guess that's why we embalm here in America. Avoids those awkward pounding sounds during the funeral service.