Week 49, Day 338 - "American Guitar Hero"

“American Guitar Hero”

Written by Joe Janes

12/22/09

338 of 365

Cast:

Dean, 12

Bruce, 50s

Kelly, 30s

(Lights up on Kelly sitting at a dinner table paying the bills. Dean enters. He is an awkward little boy with a “Hello Kitty” book bag. He gives his mom a kiss on the cheek.)

DEAN

Hi, Mom.

KELLY

Hey, Dean. How was school, today?

DEAN

It was all right.

KELLY

Getting better?

DEAN

Yeah, I guess.

KELLY

Enough with these bills. I’ll go get dinner started for us.

(She starts to exits.)

DEAN

Hey, Mom. You know you said I could invite a friend over after school some time?

KELLY (excited)

Yes. Did you make a friend?

DEAN

Yeah. Can I invite him in to play Guitar Hero?

KELLY

Sure! Sure, bring him in. I’ll get you some snacks and juice boxes. I knew things would work out.

(She exits. Dean opens the front door.)

DEAN

Hey, Bruce. I told you she would say okay.

(Bruce enters. He is a homeless vet in his 50s with a makeshift cardboard sign that says “Help A Homeless Vet.” He walks with a noticeable limp.)

BRUCE

Okay, kid. As long as it’s cool. I don’t want to cause any trouble. Got any food?

DEAN

Mom’s getting us some snacks.

BRUCE

Good. Good. Snacks are good. Nice place you got here.

DEAN (setting up Guitar Hero)

Thanks. Mom doesn’t like it. It’s smaller than our old place. Do you like Guitar Hero? You wanna play? I only have one guitar, but you can play it.

(Dean hands Bruce the guitar.)

BRUCE

An axe. Get ready for some thunder. Uh, there’s something wrong with your guitar here.

DEAN

No, no. It’s right. You hit the right colored button when you see it on the screen.

(A Fleetwood Mac song starts to play, something like “Go Your Own Way.” Bruce tries and messes it up. He hands it back to the kid.)

BRUCE

I don’t think I like this game.

DEAN

You just need more practice. I’ve played it a lot.

(Dean shows him and does really well.)

BRUCE

You’ve played that thing a lot.

DEAN

Yeah. I don’t have any friends.

BRUCE

You know, for all the time you put in to learnt to play that thing, you could have learnt to play a guitar. A real one.

(Kelly enters.)

KELLY

Dean, I have grape juice box and an apple. Which one does your friend- Who the fuck are you?

DEAN

Mom! Language!

BRUCE

Ma’am, it’s cool.

KELLY

It is not cool. Get the hell out of my house.

DEAN

Mom!

BRUCE

The boy invited me in. I don’t mean any harm. He said it was okay.

DEAN

He’s my friend.

KELLY

No, he’s not. When you said you brought home a friend, I thought you meant a classmate. Someone your age. He’s some homeless man. He doesn’t belong here.

BRUCE

I’ll be on my way-

DEAN

Can’t he stay, Mom? Please. We were playing.

KELLY

Playing what?

DEAN

Guitar Hero.

BRUCE

I was losing.

KELLY

You need to leave before I call the police.

BRUCE

No need. No need. Like I said, the kid invited me. I thought it was cool.

KELLY (seeing the sign)

Are you really a vet?

BRUCE

Yes, ma’am. Served in Afghanistan and Iraq. Back when it in vogue.

KELLY

Oh.

DEAN

My dad was in Iraq. He’s a hero.

BRUCE

Oh. That’s great. Where is he now?

KELLY

He’s not coming home.

BRUCE

I see. (Pause) Hey, look. I’ll get out of your hair, here. But, since you were willing to part with one of those juice boxes any way, do you mind?

KELLY

Oh, sure. Uh, grape or apple?

BRUCE

Grape sounds just about right.

(She hands it to him.)

KELLY

How on earth did you meet my son?

BRUCE

Oh, some kids were bugging him. I told them to skedaddle.

KELLY

Oh, Dean. You were being picked on, again.

DEAN

Yeah. They were playing keep away with my book bag.

KELLY

I’m going to call that principal, again.

DEAN

No, Mom. Please don’t do that.

BRUCE

If I may, Ma’am. I think you’ll greatly reduce little Dean’s potential of getting picked upon if you just get him a different bag.

KELLY

But he loves kitty cats.

BRUCE

Sure. Who don’t? But a boy at his age at school, that makes him a big target for bullies. I’d get him something a little more manly.

DEAN

Puppy dogs?

BRUCE

Don’t you like G.I. Joe or something like that?

DEAN

My mom and I don’t like violence.

BRUCE

Hey, what do I know? (He opens the door and gets ready to leave.) Tell you what, though. I’m always at the corner near the McDonald’s where all the kids walk by afterschool. I’ll keep an eye out for Dean. Make sure he gets home, okay.

KELLY

Thanks, Bruce.

BRUCE

Be a good soldier, like your dad, Dean. (He salutes Dean who salutes him back in a very effeminate way. Bruce shakes his head.) The next time someone plays keep away with that book bag, let ‘em keep it. That’ll show ‘em. (He exits.)

DEAN

Don’t you think he’d make a good friend, Mom?

KELLY

He makes a good person to know. How about that? Now, let’s see if we can get that smell out of the living room.

DEAN

Yay, Febreez!

(Dean runs off. Kelly looks concerned. Blackout.)

Week 38, Day 266 - “What If They Held A Peace Rally And Nobody Came?"

“What If They Held A Peace Rally And Nobody Came?"

Written by Joe Janes

10/11/09

266 of 365

CAST

Dad, late 40s

Tad, late teens

Tad’s Mom, late 40s

A mime

Some homeless bag lady

Tom Cruise in A wheelchair like in “Born on the Fourth of July”

(Lights up on Tad sitting on the curb. A poster board sign is next to him that says “No More War.” On the other side of him is an unopened case. He looks sad. He takes his sign and tears it up. His dad, carrying a case similar to the one next to Tad, walks up.)

DAD

I hope you weren’t disappointed in the turnout for your peace rally, Tad.

TAD

Oh, no, Dad. It’s quantity, not quality, right?

DAD (sitting)

That it is, Son. That it is.

TAD

This was just a tiny ripple in the start of a tidal wave towards world peace.

DAD

That’s the spirit. I’m proud of you for trying.

TAD

Mom didn’t even come.

DAD

Your mom’s not really in a “peace” frame of mind, these days. She had her kick boxing class.

TAD

I had such a big day planned.

DAD

It started off okay. The mimes were good. Until the “Q & A” session.

TAD

They shouldn’t have told me they’d do a question and answer session if they didn’t intend to speak.

DAD

Almost had a crowd till then. You probably shouldn’t have shouted at them, being a peace rally and all.

TAD

My peace rally was a failure.

DAD

I’m not going to lie to you, Son. It was. It really, really was. (Tad, somehow, looks even more crushed) But what’s important is that you believed in something and you did something about it. Most people believe in stuff and never do anything about it, you know, like religion. Hey (He opens his case) How about a song?

TAD

Okay, Dad.

(Tad opens his case. They both pull out small tubas and begin to play “Kumbaya.” As they play, a mime, Tad’s mother wearing boxing gloves, some homeless bag lady, Tom Cruise in a wheel chair as in “Born on the Fourth of July” appear and circle behind them, holding hands, moved to tears. Dad and Tad finish and the small crowd behind them erupts into applause and cheers.)

MIME (crying)

That was so beautiful.

TAD

Now you talk? Now you talk? (Tad chases after the mime with his tuba) I hate you, mime! I hate you! (Off stage, we hear the mime being beaten by the tuba. Lights fade as the rest of the cast winces.)

Week 38, Day 262 - "Spuhllujah"

“Spuhllujah”

Written by Joe Janes

10/7/09

262 of 365

CAST

Rachel, 20s

Mitch, 20s

Dahlmer, 20s

Sgt. O’Neill, 30s

(Lights up on Rachel, O’Neill and Mitch pinned down against the base of dirt hill in the desert. They are surrounded by gunfire and sporadically return fire. Rachel is trying to reach command on a GPS phone.)

RACHEL

Command…Come in command…Command…

O’NEILL

No luck, Rachel?

RACHEL

None, Sir. Just shit, Sir.

O’NEILL

Give it a rest and help us return fire.

MITCH

Here comes, Dahlmer!

O’NEILL

Cover him!

(They all shoot over the hill as Dahlmer comes scrambling over. Once he is safe, they all turn to help him. He is out of breath.)

O”NEILL

What’s it look like out there, lieutenant?

DAHLMER

We’re fucked, Sir. Surrounded to the North, East and West. And they’re closing on to the South of us.

RACHEL

Mother fuck.

MITCH

Seconded.

O’NEILL

Ammo and supplies. What do we have?

(They all start piling what they have on the ground between them.)

RACHEL

Two clips, one grenade.

MITCH

Two clips. Canteen. Not much left.

DAHLMER

One clip. One grenade. And I’ve got my knife.

O’NEILL (emptying his pockets)

I have two clips, my knife, and my lighter.

DAHLMER (he picks it up)

That’s a nice lighter.

O’NEILL

It was a gift.

DAHLMER

“You carry the light that ignites the fire in my heart.” Signed “C.”

RACHEL

Pretty saucy, Sir.

MITCH

Is that from Mrs. O’Neill?

O’NEILL

There is no Mrs. O’Neill.

DAHLMER

Is it your lover?

O’NEILL

You could say that. We’d be married, if we could.

RACHEL

This keeps getting hotter. Is she the general’s daughter or something naughty like that?

O’NEILL (taking back lighter)

The “C” stands for Chuck.

(There is a slight pause as this registers. Mitch holds his ears and starts rocking.)

MITCH

I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask.

(Rachel smacks him on the shoulder.)

RACHEL

Knock it off, butthead.

DAHLMER

You’re gay?

O’NEILL (loading his gun)

I’m gay.

MITCH

Now, I have to tell.

RACHEL

“Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

MITCH

That’s not for me. I didn’t ask and he told me anyway.

DAHLMER

You’re gay?

O’NEILL

Still “yes.” Load your weapons, men. We’re going to hold our ground as long as we can. Maybe we’ll get air support. (He looks over the hill and returns some fire.) Am I doing this by myself or are you guys going to pitch in and shoot some bad guys?

(Rachel joins him.)

MITCH

I can’t do this. I can’t fight side-by-side with a homosexual.

O’NEILL

You didn’t have a problem with it before you knew I was a homosexual.

MITCH

Right! Before you told me. Now all I can think about is you naked having sex with men.

O’NEILL

Not my problem.

DAHLMER

Who’s he having sex with?

MITCH

You.

DAHLMER

Me? Why are you having sex with me?

O’NEILL

Really not my type, Dahlmer.

MITCH

He’s gay. He’ll screw anything. He’s probably lusting after me, right now.

O’NEILL

Actually, that’s not true. I don’t screw women and right now you two look like the biggest pussies I’ve ever met.

RACHEL

Besides, you two idiots don’t realize that you’ve been fighting side-by-side with lots of gay soldiers. You just don’t notice it because they’re more focused on being soldiers than buggering your fat asses.

(Dahlmer loads his gun and joins Rachel and O’Neill.)

DAHLMER

No one’s going to do me in the behind. I’m a top.

(He and O’Neill exchange man nods.)

MITCH

Cheez Louise, are Rachel and I the only normal heterosexuals in this company. (Rachel looks at him between shots and winks.) You too! That explains why you wouldn’t sleep with me.

RACHEL

There are other reasons, but that’s the main one. I don’t do penis.

O’NEILL

You gonna help us out, Mitch or not?

MITCH

Why, Sarge, why? Why did you have to tell us?

(O’Neill comes down and gets in Mitch’s face.)

O’NEILL

I put my life on the line for you. I’ve pulled your ass out of the fire on more than one occasion. You’ve saved mine, too. We’re pinned. We’re fucked. We might just die here today. I wanted you to know because it’s who I am. And it doesn’t change the way I fight or the way I serve our country. The people shooting at us and the bullets flying out of their guns don’t care who’s straight of who’s gay over here. If we’re going to survive this thing, we need to do it together. And if we’re going to die, I’d rather do that together, too. Fuck ‘em.

(Mitch loads his gun.)

MITCH

Fuck ‘em.

(Mitch returns fire, O’Neill returns to his position. A grenade lands on the ground at their feet.)

MITCH

Somebody jump on it!

RACHEL

You jump on it!

MITCH

I’m straight. I want to have kids. Someone gay jump on it.

DAHLMER

Fuck you. I want to adopt.

MITCH

What a horrible thing to do to a child.

(O’Neill takes off his helmet and puts it over the grenade, holding it down with his weight. It explodes. When everything clears, we see the four in rather compromising positions. Dahlmer is bent over with Rachel behind him her hips to his buns. Mitch’s face is in O’Neill’s crotch.)

O’NEILL

Mitch…Mitch…

(Mitch screams and comes to. We hear a helicopter overhead firing at the enemy.)

RACHEL

Hey, it’s one of ours.

DAHLMER

The assholes are running. We’re gonna get out of this.

O’NEIL

Mitch. You can detach your face from my crotch.

MITCH (sitting up quickly)

Don’t tell anyone.

(Blackout.)

Week 33, Day 231 - “A Civil War"

“A Civil War”

Written by Joe Janes

9/6/09

231 of 365

Cast

Tunis, 50s

Bo, 50s

Paratrooper, 20s

(In the dark we hear a cold wind blowing. In the distance, we hear an eagle screeching as lights fade up on Tunis and Bo playing chess. Tunis wears a confederate officer’s uniform. Bo wears union garb. Bo makes a move. He then sends his other hand out over the board, it hovers and then zeroes in on the fallen piece and snatches it. Tunis makes a move and, without any flash, simply flicks the fallen piece off the board, upsetting other pieces in its wake. They make a few more moves, quickening the pace. They stop.)

BO

Perhaps you would prefer blood to spurt from my men as you assault them.

TUNIS

Perhaps you would prefer to delegate a gruntling to capture my men for you.

(They go through another exchange on the board.)

BO

You make it very difficult to adhere to the rules, Tunis.

TUNIS

The rules, Bo?

BO

Whenever you take one of my men, you upset the fellows surrounding it. Including some of your own. Knocking them clean off the board. It’s getting to a point where it may not seem to matter what piece I move where or when.

TUNIS

If you can move them, move them. Don’t need me to tell you that.

(They go through another sloppy exchange.)

BO

You have placed me in a very difficult position, Tunis.

(Bo lights a cigar and holds the lit match in the air.)

TUNIS

You preparing to surrender then, Bo?

BO

Hardly.

(Bo reaches into his coat and takes out a small, round black bomb. He lights it and hands it to Tunis.)

TUNIS

Dog gone it.

(Lights flash and we hear an explosion. When everything clears, Bo is sitting unaffected in his chair. Tunis’s body parts are scattered. His head remains on the back of the chair.)

TUNIS (continuing)

You egg sucking bastard.

(A WWII paratrooper lands among Tunis’ scattered remains.)

PARATROOPER

Greetings, Sir. Congratulations on a play well executed.

BO

Please do me the favor of tidying up.

PARATROOPER

Right away, Sir.

(The paratrooper quickly fills up his backpack with Tunis parts, except for the head.)

TUNIS

You are a cheating, lying sack of horsey plops.

BO

I am not the one who began with the rough housing.

TUNIS

I was flicking. Flicking! Not bombing.

BO

Flicking? You have no idea what it means to be flicked. Flick him.

PARATROOPER

Sir?

BO

Flick him! Oh, hell, I’ll do it my self.

(Bo reaches across the table and flicks Tunis’ nose.)

TUNIS

Ow!

BO

I hope you have learned your lesson, Tunis. Set up the board.

PARATROOPER

Right away, Sir.

(The paratrooper arranges whatever pieces are left on the board.)

BO

I loathe brutality. Until men finally learnt o behave, I will always have to fight for peace. Play me, soldier!

PARATROOPER

Half of my men and half of the board were lost in the explosion.

BO

Then it shouldn’t take very long.

PARATROOPER

I guess not.

(Bo makes a move, then the paratrooper. They go back and forth picking up speed.)

BO

Victory shall soon be mine!

(We hear a gunshot. The paratrooper has shot Bo under the table.)

BO

Oh, zounds.

(He falls.)

TUNIS

Woo-hoo! That was one fine sneaky shot, boy! I just have one question.

PARATROOPER

What’s that?

TUNIS

What are you fighting for?

PARATROOPER

What have you got?

(Tunis laughs as the paratrooper shoots at the remaining pieces on the board. Lights fade.)

Week 32, Day 218 - “A Gospel Song for Atheists”

“A Gospel Song for Atheists”
Written by Joe Janes
8/24/09
218 of 365

CAST
Duke, 20s
Lacey, 20s
Zip, 20s
Chip, 30s
Daria, 30s
Molly, 40s

(Lights up on Duke, Lacey, and Zip playing dominoes. Off to the side, Chip and Daria play darts. Molly enters. She enters with a can of beer. She sits away from everyone else and pops it open.)

CHIP

Hey, Sarge. What’s up?

MOLLY

You guys hear about Keith?

DARIA

Yah. We heard. It sucks.

ZIP

I didn’t hear.

LACEY

Keith got hit.

ZIP

Sniper?

DUKE

Volvo. He was jay walking.

CHIP

Come all the way across the world to put your life on the line for your country and get killed by a car. Shit. I could have done that at home.

MOLLY

At least he’s in a better place.

CHIP

Depends on who you ask.

DARIA

What’s that mean? Keith was a good guy.

ZIP

Dude’s in heaven.

LACEY

Keith was an atheist. Don’t you have to believe in heaven to get into heaven?

DUKE

I don’t think that excludes you. Maybe it's like a surprise party. “Surprise – you’ve reached the golden gates.”

MOLLY

If you ask the Muslims, the ones we’re fighting for or against on any given day, they’ll tell you we’re all going to hell regardless of what we do.

ZIP

They actually are pro killing people to get into heaven.

LACEY

And they set you up with 27 virgins if you do. Is that really a plus? Getting hooked up with a room full of Dukes?

DUKE

Hey!

CHIP (singing)

People trying to get into heaven
sure makes it hell of earth
Christians claim to be very wise men
Who believe in virgin birth

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Do I really have to pray?

DARIA

So many religions all with their own take

MOLLY

Trying to figure out why I’m fighting Shiites and Sunnis

ZIP

Is it for God, Muhammad or Joseph Smith’s sake?

DARIA

I remember growing up only fearing the Moonies

MOLLY (speaking)

At the airport.

DARIA (speaking)

That’s right.

CHIP

All we have is our brief moment in time
We’re on this planet separate, but equal
When we’ve taken our last breath, all is sublime
That’s it, it’s over, there’s not even a sequel

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Does it matter what they say?

LACEY (bridge)

What if one of them is right or maybe it’s all
Methodist or Mormon or flying spaghetti
We just have to do something to avoid a fall (to hell)
We just have to believe in something and not be petty

CHIP

You think we do end up wherever we believe

MOLLY

If we have faith in nothing, the lights just get turned off

DUKE

When you kiss that bus or bullet you go on permanent leave

ZIP

The grim reaper just grabs your balls and tells you to cough

CHORUS (ALL)

Turn off the light
There is no way
No one is right
Better just live for the day

(Air raid sirens start going off – They all look at one another. Duke crosses himself, Zip kisses his rosary beads, Molly says a quick prayer, Chip quickly meditates, Daria kisses her Star of David, and Lacey faces Mecca and quickly does a Muslim salat prayer ritual

ALL

Better just live for the day

(Blackout)

Week 24, Day 166 - "Red, White and Beer"

“Red, White and Beer”
Written by Joe Janes
7/3/09
166 of 365

CAST
Derek, 20s
D-Pack, 20s
Offstage Voice

(Lights up on Derek and D-Pack, wearing army fatigues and seemingly holding improv beers. It is night. They are looking at something up and out in the distance. We hear “booms” and light shifts.)

DEREK

I don’t get fireworks.

D-PACK

What’s there to get? Pretty colors. Loud noises. (He makes the sound of a rocket and a boom.)

DEREK

Why is it America has to commemorate things, like the Fourth of July, by getting drunk and blowing shit up?

D-PACK

And the eating. Don’t forget the eating. Lots of hot dogs and hamburgers. I’d kill for a good ol’ US Beef burger.

DEREK

You mean you’d kill for the right to have a US Beef Burger.

D-PACK

Yeah. That’s what I mean.

(We hear a whistle.)

OFFSTAGE VOICE

In-coming!!!

(We hear machine gun fire. D-Pack and Derek take what we thought were beers and unpin grenades with their teeth and throw them. They quickly hit the ground. Explosions!)

D-PACK

I wish I had a beer.

(Blackout)

Week 18, Day 122 - “Shows You Would Never See If You Didn’t Know Someone In The Cast”

“Shows You Would Never See If You Didn’t Know Someone In The Cast”
Written by Joe Janes
5/20/09
122 of 365

CAST:
ENYA/GIRL, 20s
SOLDIER, 20s
MOTHER, 20s

(Lights up on stage and in the house. Enya, dressed in clothes too tight for her body, walks on to the stage from the back of the house.)

ENYA (clapping, trying to pump up the crowd)

Woo-hoo! Yah! Woo-hoo! Hi, Mom! That’s my mom, everybody. My name, for those of you who don’t know me, is Enya. And I am the artistic director of the Oui, Ennui Theater Company. “Oui, Ennui” is French for “yes, ennui.” It’s a play on words. And while our name may be lighthearted, our message is anything but. Thank you all for coming out to see the opening night of our inaugural production and world premiere of “The Suffering” written and directed by me. Turn off your cell phones (she takes hers out) like I am doing right now. Oh, I got a text message. (She reads it.) Mom… (She mouths “thank you” to her mother)... This will just take a sec… (She texts her mom back)…smiley face! Now, turn them off and enjoy “The Suffering.”

(She exits as lights fade. We hear over dramatic music swelling as the lights come up on a small countryside well. The music subsides. A young girl – Enya in a shawl - in a wheel chair wheels herself out on to the stage. She looks sad. She hears a bird sing. This, for a moment, makes a smile come across her face. She listens for more, but the bird has flown away. She returns to the depths of her sadness. A solider in the midst of combat comes from upstage as if coming up over a hill. He is a large man. It looks like he has been at war for a long time. He sees the well and retrieves water from it and drinks with great thirst. He sees the girl and pulls his rifle out on her.)

GIRL

Moonbeams cause polio.

SOLDIER

Life causes polio.

(He keeps the gun trained on her. She continues to weep quietly. A mother in a shroud holding a baby enters from the other side of the stage. The girl notices her. The solider turns and looks. The mother takes the baby and drops it in the well. )

SOLDIER

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

(The mother kneels next to the well.)

MOTHER

An ornamental cherry tree blossoms but does not bear fruit. The fruit it does not bear is a cherry, which has a pit. A pit like this well.

(Dramatic music swells again as a large red balloon rises from the well. Holding on to its string is the baby. Tied to the baby is a sign that says “War Is Bad.” Lights fade to black. They spring back up and the actors take a bow to applause. Enya points offstage, trying to get Mother to go get something. Mother finally gets the hint and exits, quickly returning with flowers for Enya. She graciously accepts them and bows. She signals to the audience to quiet down.)

ENYA

Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming out and supporting live theater. Word of mouth is our best form of advertisement, so, please, if you liked the show, tell the rest of my friends. I just want to say how proud I am of this cast. We spent three long weeks on this show. And everyone did it because they believed in our message. War IS bad. No one here is getting paid. (Soldier looks surprised to hear this.) They worked really hard, they put up with me, and (she tears up) I just could not be more pleased. I think we have a hit on our hands.

(The actors all look awkward as Enya is moved to tears and lights fade to black.)