Week 49, Day 341 - "The Thoughts That Count"

“The Thoughts That Count”

Written by Joe Janes

12/25/09

341 of 365

CAST

Momma Judy, 50s

Grandpa Leo, 70s

Sister Sue, 30s

Baby Neil, teens

(Lights up on Momma Judy, Grandpa Leo, Sister Sue and Baby Neil sitting in a semi-circle. Momma Judy hands Grandpa Leo a plastic gift card.)

MOMMA JUDY

Here you go, Grandpa Leo. I got you a gift card.

GRANDPA LEO (squinting)

Ten dollars for iTunes (pronounced “it-oo-nez”). Sounds like they might have good burritos.

MOMMA JUDY

Remember, it’s the thought that counts.

(Grandpa Leo takes out his wallet, puts in the gift card and takes out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to Sister Sue.)

GRANDPA LEO

Sister Sue, here’s a twenty dollar bill.

SISTER SUE

Twenty dollars!

GRANDPA LEO

Give me ten back and you can keep the rest.

MOMMA JUDY

You’re giving her money?

GRANDPA LEO

It’s nature’s gift card. She can use it anywhere.

MOMMA JUDY

Except on iTunes (pronounced correctly.).

SISTER SUE

It’s the thought that counts, Momma Judy. (She hands Grandpa Leo eight dollars.) I only have eight dollars, Grandpa Leo.

GRANDPA LEO

You can owe me.

BABY NEIL

Where’s my gift, Sister Sue?

SISTER SUE

Baby Neil, I texted you a Merry Christmas.

BABY NEIL

That was you? There was no caller id; just a phone number and it said M-R-Y-X-M-A-S.

SISTER SUE

I’m glad you got it.

BABY NEIL

And it cost me twenty cents a text.

MOMMA JUDY

Don’t you have a gift for me, Baby Neil? It’s a tradition. Every year we do a gift exchange.

BABY NEIL

Every year we give each other worthless crap.

GRANDPA LEO

Hey-

SISTER SUE

It’s how we show we care.

BABY NEIL

Oh, then I guess I did get you something, Momma Judy. (Baby Neil reaches into his pocket and pulls out his hand flipping everyone the bird. Pause.)

MOMMA JUDY

That’s better.

(Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 332 - "A Christmas Story"

“A Christmas Story”

Written by Joe Janes

12/16/09

332 of 365

Cast

Alan, 50s

Cheryl, 50s

Ron, 20s,

Gene, 30s

Alice, 30s

(Lights up on Alan and Cheryl’s living room. Alan and Cheryl sit on the sofa, Ron is slumped down in a chair. They are watching the movie “A Christmas Story.”)

GENE (off)

Ho, ho, ho!

CHERYL

Oh, Gene’s here.

(Gene and Alice enter. Cheryl gets up and greets them.)

ALAN (getting up)

Oh!

GENE

Hi, Mom. Dad.

CHERYL

You look so tall.

GENE

I have no idea why. Pretty sure I stopped growing upwards a decade or so ago.

CHERYL

Well, you look taller.

ALAN

Leave the boy alone. You must be Alice.

ALICE

Hi.

ALAN

Come in, come in. Have a seat.

CHERYL

You must be tired after such a long drive.

GENE

We flew in.

CHERYL

Oh, that’s nice.

(Alan, Cheryl and Alice have a seat on the sofa. Gene remains standing. There’s no room for him to sit. Cheryl and Alan resume watching TV. Ron has never stopped.)

ALICE

“A Christmas Story.” I love that movie.

ALAN

So, do we.

CHERYL

We watch it every year.

GENE

Is that the DVD I got you last year?

ALAN

Naw. It’s the TV.

(Everyone stares at the TV for a moment. Alice looks over to Gene with a look of concern.)

GENE

That is my brother Ron.

ALICE

Hi, Ron.

(Ron grunts.)

GENE

How’s the job hunt?

(Ron grunts, again.)

CHERYL

Oh, it’s tough out there.

ALAN

Tough in here. Especially when I need the bathroom or find the last beer gone.

CHERYL

Oh, Alan.

ALAN

Oh, Cheryl.

CHERYL

He’s trying.

ALAN

That he is.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)

ALICE

I’ve heard so much about you two.

ALAN

Good things, I hope.

ALICE

Very good.

CHERYL

Oh, that’s nice.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)

GENE

Hey, looks like the movie’s over. You guys want to go get some pizza or-

ALAN

It’s starting, again.

CHERYL (to Alice)

They show it over and over for 24 hours.

ALICE

How long have you been watching?

CHERYL

Since breakfast.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped. Gene picks up the remote from the coffee table and turns the television off. Everyone looks at him stunned.)

RON

That was rude.

GENE

I only see you guys once a year. This time, I brought a girl. One I really, really like. It would be nice if she got to know my family better than the television.

(Everyone is silent. Alan looks at his watch.)

ALAN

Did you want to watch something else?

CHERYL

Did you want to watch your DVD?

GENE

No. I want to visit.

CHERYL

Okay, dear. We’ll visit.

ALAN

Sure.

CHERYL

Gosh, you sure are pretty.

ALICE

Thanks.

ALAN

Better looking than the last one he brought home. The lesbian.

GENE

She wasn’t a lesbian. She was a vegetarian.

ALAN

Six of one-

CHERYL

Are you a vegetarian? Because I don’t think we have anything you can eat.

ALICE

I’m not a vegetarian.

ALAN

What’s wrong with you, then?

GENE

Dad, nothing’s wrong with her. She’s great.

ALAN

Just pulling your chain, Son.

GENE

Chain pulled, Dad. Thanks.

(Everyone stares at the television, again, even though nothing’s on. Ron has never stopped.)

GENE (continuing)

Hey, how about this? Let’s get out of this room.

ALAN

What’s wrong with this room? I like this room.

GENE

Let’s go sit around the dinner table.

ALICE (getting up)

That sounds like a great idea.

CHERYL (getting up)

I’ll have to dust it off and move the magazines.

ALICE

Do you have any coffee? We could drink some coffee and chat.

CHERYL

I do have coffee. Can you drink that with your diet? (Alice nods.)

(Alice and Cheryl exit.)

GENE

Come on, Dad. Let’s go get caught up.

ALAN (getting up)

Oh! Guess I could use a cup of Joe.

GENE

It’s good to see you, Dad.

ALAN

Yah, yah, yah.

(They exit. Ron stays seated. Still looking at the TV, but looking silently angry. Cheryl comes back out and turns on the television.)

RON

Thank you.

(Cheryl kisses him on the head and exits. Ron grunts. Lights fade.)

Week 47, Day 323 - "Slow Walk With Limp In Echo"

“Slow Walk With Limp In Echo”

Written by Joe Janes

12/7/09

323 of 365

Cast:

Henry, 60s

(In the dark, offstage, we hear a slow walk with a limp and an echo. We begin to see the beam of a flashlight. Henry, a security guard in uniform, enters. He stands in the doorway and sends his beam around the room slowly. He turns on an overhead light and turns off his flashlight. In the center of the room are two backless bar stools. One is upright, the other knocked over. He walks over and sets the turned over stool upright. He places his lunch box on one stool while sitting on the other. He opens the lunchbox and takes from it a roughly designed homemade Christmas cookie, slightly burnt and a thermos. He sets them to the side. He then takes out a small, empty stocking with his name written on it. He attaches this to the side of the barstool. He then takes out a small transistor radio. He turns it on and we hear a lovely instrumental version of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.” The final thing he takes out of the very large lunch box is a portrait of a young family. It looks like a younger version of him with a wife and young child, smiling, wearing Christmas sweaters. He considers it before setting it next to the music box. He takes a bite of his horrible Christmas cookie. It starts off well, but we can see on his face that its charred bitterness is shining through. He takes the thermos and pours himself a small glass of milk. He’s about to take another bit of his cookie, thinks better of it, and puts it away in the lunchbox. With a sigh, he packs up the thermos. He throws the stocking back in there, too. He picks up the portrait one more time and looks at it with a mixture of fondness and sadness. He then notices something in the lunch box. He pulls the stocking back out, but this time, it has something in it. He reaches in and pulls out a beautiful, refined version of the Christmas cookie. He takes a bite of it and is in heaven. He puts the stocking back in the lunch box and closes it. He walks off with the portrait under his arm, carrying the lunchbox in one hand and nibbling on the cookie with the other. He gets to the door and realizes he left the music box. He decides to let it keep playing. He shuts off the lights with his elbow. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” finishes playing, then “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” starts playing. Henry rushes back into the room. Turns on the light. We see he has a mouth overloaded with Christmas cookie. He storms towards the radio, snatches it up, knocking over the bar stool in the process, and throws the radio on the floor. He then smashes it with the foot of his bad leg. Lights fade.)

Week 41, Day 283 - "Little Drummer Boy"

“Little Drummer Boy”

Written by Joe Janes

10/28/09

283 of 365

CAST

Joseph, 20s

Mary, 20s

Little Drummer Boy, 10

Cow

Lamb

Baby Jesus

Al, 20s

(Lights up on Mary, Joseph and Jesus away in a manger flanked by a cow and a lamb. If possible, we see the head of an adult actor on top of a baby’s body for Jesus. A boy with a drum shyly enters.)

MARY

Hello.

JOSEPH

Come on out, little boy. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

(The drummer boy sheepishly steps forward.)

MARY

What can we do for you?

LDB

I heard there was a newborn king here. I came to look upon him.

JOSEPH

Step closer then. Say hello to baby Jesus.

LDB

Hi. He’s cute. I can see a family resemblance. (To Joseph) He has your eyes.

JOSEPH

Yeah, let’s not talk about that.

LDB

May I give him a gift?

MARY

Sure.

LDB

You see, I’m a poor boy, too.

MARY

You can put it over there, next to the gold.

LDB

Oh.

JOSEPH

We really don’t need any more gifts.

LDB

May I play the drum for him? I will play my very best.

(Mary nods. The Little Drummer prepares himself. He takes a quiet moment and then starts railing on that fucking drum so loudly and so obnoxiously it startles everyone. Mary and Joseph try to retain polite smiles. The cow starts moo-ing, the lamb starts bleating and they both start running around. Perhaps the lamb begins dropping Raisinettes out of its behind. Baby Jesus is wailing.)

MARY

Okay! Okay! That’s enough, thank you!

(Joseph gets up and takes the drum and throws it on the ground.)

JOSEPH

Enough with that awful noise!

(The Little Drummer Boy looks petrified as the animals and Baby Jesus begin to calm down. The Little Drummer boy runs off crying. Joseph returns to Mary.)

MARY

He meant well.

JOSEPH

What were we thinking? There can’t possibly be anything more annoying in the world than a boy banging on a drum.

(Al enters.)

AL

Hi. May I come in?

MARY

What do you do?

AL

I play Andrew Lloyd Webber songs on the accordion while stomping on broken glass in my bare feet and mewling like a cat in heat.

(Joseph and Mary look at one another.)

JOSEPH

Sure, come on in.

(Blackout)