Friday, January 1, 2010

Week 50, Day 348 - "Farewell To Monster Island"

“Farewell To Monster Island”

Written by Joe Janes

1/1/10

348 of 356

CAST

Aja, 20s

Bobby/Monster, 60s

Sonny, 40s

Toledo, 30s

(Lights up on Aja, a young woman screaming as she runs through the audience to the stage. Once on stage, she trips over absolutely nothing. She doesn’t appear hurt, but she continues to scream and stay down, pushing herself on her back a little bit at a time. From the back of the theater we hear a roar. It is a man in a monster suit, something akin to a gorilla suit with a different head, like a space helmet. He slowly lumbers through the audience. He roars, she screams, until he finally reaches the stage. Once on stage, he holds up his hand and bends over as he catches his breath. She waits patiently. He nods, she screams and he roars. He finally looms over her, slowly reaching out to grab her throat with both of his monster hands. He almost gets them around her neck when…)

SONNY (off)

Cut!

(The monster keeps roaring.)

SONNY (entering with Toledo)

Cut, Bobby, cut!

BOBBY

Oh.

(Bobby, the monster, stops.)

SONNY

Let’s print that.

TOLEDO

Checking the gate.

SONNY

Checking the gate!

TOLEDO

We’re good. Let’s print it.

SONNY

Let’s print it!

AJA

Was that good, Sonny?

SONNY

Aja, baby. You rocked it. You rocked it hard. Didn’t she, Toledo?

TOLEDO (mumbling)

Who gives a rat’s ass?

SONNY

Didn’t she Bobby?

BOBBY

Sure.

SONNY

Take off your helmet, Bobby. We can hardly hear you.

(Bobby does, revealing he’s an older man with gray hair.)

BOBBY

You were one of the best I’ve ever had the pleasure of ravaging.

AJA

Thanks.

SONNY

Hey, everybody, that’s a wrap! (To Toledo) That’s a wrap, right?

TOLEDO

Better be.

SONNY (yelling to the unseen crew)

That’s a wrap! The producer has sprung for a round of drinks and a pizza at Millie’s Tavern. We’ve got the back room until their dart tournament. See you all there.

AJA

Thanks for the break, Sonny.

SONNY

Aja, thank you. It was an honor to work with you. You will really light up the screen.

TOLEDO

This is direct-to-DVD.

SONNY

The small screen. You will leap from it. People will call the police because you broke into their homes and stole their hearts.

AJA

I don’t want to get into any trouble.

TOLEDO

Too late for that. I’ll give you a lift to the bar, Aja.

AJA

Thanks, Toledo.

(They walk off.)

AJA

Do you think I’ll get any awards?

TOLEDO

Oh, sure. I smell a Golden Globe.

AJA

What do those smell like?

TOLEDO (off stage and slightly mumbled)

Pussy.

BOBBY

You really think we did a good one, here, Sonny?

SONNY

Yeah, sure. Best “Attack of the Morgue Monster” ever.

BOBBY

Better than three?

SONNY

Better than three, nine and thirteen all rolled together.

BOBBY

They did that for fourteen.

SONNY

Which sucked royally and put us back in business for part fifteen.

BOBBY

Good to be working again. Especially in the role I originated, you know. Nobody wanted to do it. Believe that? Nobody wanted to be the Morgue Monster. But I jumped at the chance. I knew I could bring some humanity to the role, like Karloff did with Frankenstein’s creature. It’s all in the eyes.

SONNY

You wear a helmet.

BOBBY

The camera sees everything. And what it doesn’t see, it feels. Sometimes when you do a close-up of me, I’m shedding tears.

SONNY

Me, too, Bobby. Me, too. Let me help you get out of that thing.

BOBBY

Thanks. So, when do we start on part sixteen?

SONNY

We already have a script and are in pre-production.

BOBBY

The biz sure moves fast, don’t it?

SONNY

Well, when the studio smells money, they want to snort it for all its worth. They just don’t want to share very much of it.

BOBBY

When do we start shooting?

SONNY

Bobby, there’s something I need to tell you.

BOBBY

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Here it comes. They think I’m too old, don’t they? They want some young punk to take over. I originated this role. I’ve been doing it for twenty years. The fans won’t stand for it.

SONNY

They didn’t hire anybody new.

BOBBY

Jesus, why’d you scare the crap out of me like that?

SONNY

They’re going to go all CGI with it.

BOBBY

Union?

SONNY

No. CGI. Computer generated images. In the next installment, the morgue monster gets pelted with radiation from an atomic blast and becomes a mutant giant. Rather than deal with a guy in a suit and building sets in forced perspectives, they decided it would be cheaper to just make the Morgue Monster animated.

BOBBY

Replaced by a cartoon.

SONNY

It sucks. I know.

BOBBY

Hey, they’ll still need me to roar, right? No one roars like the Morgue Monster except for me.

SONNY (taking out a flask)

Bobby, we have twenty years of Morgue Monster roars in a digital library. I don’t think they’ll need you.

(Sonny takes a swig from the flask and hands it to Bobby. Bobby tries to take a sip, but its empty.)

BOBBY

You’re on empty.

SONNY

Oh. Sorry about that. Hey, at Millie’s, whatever you want for as long as you want it. It’s on me. Until the dart tourney.

BOBBY

Guess it’s time to be part of history and fade into conventions and memorabilia.

(Bobby takes his helmet and suit and starts to walk off.)

BOBBY (continuing)

Hey, can I keep this?

SONNY

Uh… probably not. But if it turns up missing, I’ll say some kids broke into the costume shop and made off with it. Just don’t put it on eBay right away.

BOBBY

It’s been good to work with such a professional, Sonny. The first six directors the series had were okay. But you could tell their hearts weren’t in it. You care.

(Bobby comes back and shakes Sonny’s hand.)

SONNY

The honor has been all mine, Bobby. In all the films we did together, you were never a diva. Always on time. Always willing to put in the extra hours. Always willing to jump into a cold, dirty swimming pool and wrestle a zombie shark.

BOBBY

I thought the shark was going to be fake.

SONNY

Studio figured it was cheaper just to put make up on the shark. Until they got the hospital bill from the make-up artist. You did okay, though. Good thing that suit is bite proof.

BOBBY

I got malaria from that.

SONNY

And never complained.

BOBBY

I threw up in my helmet.

SONNY

You deserve every accolade the Morgue Monster gets. If they ever did a Mount Rushmore of famous monsters, you’d be up there with the Wolf-Man, Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster. Hey, Bobbby, one last time, without the helmet.

(Bobby roars at Sonny. Bobby exits. Sonny wipes a tear from his eye. Lights fade.)