Written by Joe Janes
1/1/10
348 of 356
CAST
Aja, 20s
Bobby/Monster, 60s
Sonny, 40s
Toledo, 30s
(Lights up on Aja, a young woman screaming as she runs through the audience to the stage. Once on stage, she trips over absolutely nothing. She doesn’t appear hurt, but she continues to scream and stay down, pushing herself on her back a little bit at a time. From the back of the theater we hear a roar. It is a man in a monster suit, something akin to a gorilla suit with a different head, like a space helmet. He slowly lumbers through the audience. He roars, she screams, until he finally reaches the stage. Once on stage, he holds up his hand and bends over as he catches his breath. She waits patiently. He nods, she screams and he roars. He finally looms over her, slowly reaching out to grab her throat with both of his monster hands. He almost gets them around her neck when…)
SONNY (off)
Cut!
(The monster keeps roaring.)
SONNY (entering with Toledo)
Cut, Bobby, cut!
BOBBY
Oh.
(Bobby, the monster, stops.)
SONNY
Let’s print that.
TOLEDO
Checking the gate.
SONNY
Checking the gate!
TOLEDO
We’re good. Let’s print it.
SONNY
Let’s print it!
AJA
Was that good, Sonny?
SONNY
Aja, baby. You rocked it. You rocked it hard. Didn’t she, Toledo?
TOLEDO (mumbling)
Who gives a rat’s ass?
SONNY
Didn’t she Bobby?
BOBBY
Sure.
SONNY
Take off your helmet, Bobby. We can hardly hear you.
(Bobby does, revealing he’s an older man with gray hair.)
BOBBY
You were one of the best I’ve ever had the pleasure of ravaging.
AJA
Thanks.
SONNY
Hey, everybody, that’s a wrap! (To Toledo) That’s a wrap, right?
TOLEDO
Better be.
SONNY (yelling to the unseen crew)
That’s a wrap! The producer has sprung for a round of drinks and a pizza at Millie’s Tavern. We’ve got the back room until their dart tournament. See you all there.
AJA
Thanks for the break, Sonny.
SONNY
Aja, thank you. It was an honor to work with you. You will really light up the screen.
TOLEDO
This is direct-to-DVD.
SONNY
The small screen. You will leap from it. People will call the police because you broke into their homes and stole their hearts.
AJA
I don’t want to get into any trouble.
TOLEDO
Too late for that. I’ll give you a lift to the bar, Aja.
AJA
Thanks, Toledo.
(They walk off.)
AJA
Do you think I’ll get any awards?
TOLEDO
Oh, sure. I smell a Golden Globe.
AJA
What do those smell like?
TOLEDO (off stage and slightly mumbled)
Pussy.
BOBBY
You really think we did a good one, here, Sonny?
SONNY
Yeah, sure. Best “Attack of the Morgue Monster” ever.
BOBBY
Better than three?
SONNY
Better than three, nine and thirteen all rolled together.
BOBBY
They did that for fourteen.
SONNY
Which sucked royally and put us back in business for part fifteen.
BOBBY
Good to be working again. Especially in the role I originated, you know. Nobody wanted to do it. Believe that? Nobody wanted to be the Morgue Monster. But I jumped at the chance. I knew I could bring some humanity to the role, like Karloff did with Frankenstein’s creature. It’s all in the eyes.
SONNY
You wear a helmet.
BOBBY
The camera sees everything. And what it doesn’t see, it feels. Sometimes when you do a close-up of me, I’m shedding tears.
SONNY
Me, too, Bobby. Me, too. Let me help you get out of that thing.
BOBBY
Thanks. So, when do we start on part sixteen?
SONNY
We already have a script and are in pre-production.
BOBBY
The biz sure moves fast, don’t it?
SONNY
Well, when the studio smells money, they want to snort it for all its worth. They just don’t want to share very much of it.
BOBBY
When do we start shooting?
SONNY
Bobby, there’s something I need to tell you.
BOBBY
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Here it comes. They think I’m too old, don’t they? They want some young punk to take over. I originated this role. I’ve been doing it for twenty years. The fans won’t stand for it.
SONNY
They didn’t hire anybody new.
BOBBY
Jesus, why’d you scare the crap out of me like that?
SONNY
They’re going to go all CGI with it.
BOBBY
Union?
SONNY
No. CGI. Computer generated images. In the next installment, the morgue monster gets pelted with radiation from an atomic blast and becomes a mutant giant. Rather than deal with a guy in a suit and building sets in forced perspectives, they decided it would be cheaper to just make the Morgue Monster animated.
BOBBY
Replaced by a cartoon.
SONNY
It sucks. I know.
BOBBY
Hey, they’ll still need me to roar, right? No one roars like the Morgue Monster except for me.
SONNY (taking out a flask)
Bobby, we have twenty years of Morgue Monster roars in a digital library. I don’t think they’ll need you.
(Sonny takes a swig from the flask and hands it to Bobby. Bobby tries to take a sip, but its empty.)
BOBBY
You’re on empty.
SONNY
Oh. Sorry about that. Hey, at Millie’s, whatever you want for as long as you want it. It’s on me. Until the dart tourney.
BOBBY
Guess it’s time to be part of history and fade into conventions and memorabilia.
(Bobby takes his helmet and suit and starts to walk off.)
BOBBY (continuing)
Hey, can I keep this?
SONNY
Uh… probably not. But if it turns up missing, I’ll say some kids broke into the costume shop and made off with it. Just don’t put it on eBay right away.
BOBBY
It’s been good to work with such a professional, Sonny. The first six directors the series had were okay. But you could tell their hearts weren’t in it. You care.
(Bobby comes back and shakes Sonny’s hand.)
SONNY
The honor has been all mine, Bobby. In all the films we did together, you were never a diva. Always on time. Always willing to put in the extra hours. Always willing to jump into a cold, dirty swimming pool and wrestle a zombie shark.
BOBBY
I thought the shark was going to be fake.
SONNY
Studio figured it was cheaper just to put make up on the shark. Until they got the hospital bill from the make-up artist. You did okay, though. Good thing that suit is bite proof.
BOBBY
I got malaria from that.
SONNY
And never complained.
BOBBY
I threw up in my helmet.
SONNY
You deserve every accolade the Morgue Monster gets. If they ever did a Mount Rushmore of famous monsters, you’d be up there with the Wolf-Man, Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster. Hey, Bobbby, one last time, without the helmet.
(Bobby roars at Sonny. Bobby exits. Sonny wipes a tear from his eye. Lights fade.)
