Written by Joe Janes
7/6/09
169 of 365
CAST
Edward, 13
Emily, 13
Bella, 13
Mrs. Cullen, 40s
(Lights up on Edward, a pale, slightly overweight 13-year-old sitting on a swing in the school playground. He looks as though his mother dressed him. His beat-up Spiderman backpack is at his feet. He is squinting at the sun. Off to the side and behind, Bella and Emily appear. They have been watching him. Emily is carrying one of the Twilight vampire books. Emily whispers into Bella’s ear and they giggle.)
BELLA
Are you sure?EMILY
He has to be, Emily. He’s new, he’s a stranger, and he’s mysterious.(Edward picks his nose and wipes it on his sweater under his arm.)
BELLA
He’s such a savage.EMILY
See? Only a bloodthirsty animal would do that. Go talk to him.(Emily pushes Bella. Bella turns to Emily and shoo’s her away. Emily exits.)
BELLA
Hey, new boy.EDWARD
Hey.BELLA
My name’s Bella. It’s not my real name. My real name is Sarah, but I don’t like it. I make people call me Bella. What’s your name?EDWARD
Edward.BELLA
Edward,really? I just knew it. You’re all shiny.EDWARD
It’s hot out here. My mom makes me wear a sweater.(Bella sits in the swing next to him.)
BELLA
You moved here with your family? Do you do that a lot? Move from town-to-town? So people can’t hunt you down?EDWARD
I have special needs.BELLA
Oh, so, do I, Edward.EDWARD
Really? I didn’t see you in the special needs class.BELLA
Edward. I know who you are. I know what you are. (She stands.) I want you to turn me.EDWARD
Okay.(He stands and faces her. He places his hands on her shoulders; she closes her eyes, and then, turns her so she is facing the other way. He sits back down. She opens her eyes.)
BELLA
Hey! You’re toying with my affections. Aren’t I good enough for you? Don’t you think I’m pretty? Oh, of course. I see. You’re fighting your urges. You don’t want to be a monster. (She kneels down and takes his hands.) It’s okay, Edward. I want this. I want to be one of you.EDWARD
Okay.(He opens up his backpack and hands her a safety helmet.)
EDWARD
Put this on. I’m supposed to wear it all the time, but it makes me feel stupid. If you wear one, I won’t feel so bad.(They both put on the helmets.)
BELLA
I didn’t know about this part, but it makes sense. You run and jump so fast.EDWARD
That’s what my mom says.BELLA
Now will you bite me?EDWARD
Okay.(Edward bites her arm.)
BELLA
OW! Hey, that hurt!EDWARD
Because I bit you.BELLA
You’re supposed to hypnotize me first.EDWARD
Okay.(He makes a wavy motion with his hand. Bella responds like she’s a little faint. She closes her eyes.)
BELLA
I can feel it. Now, bite me.(Edward looks at her and isn’t sure where to bite her. He gets down on all fours and bites her leg.)
BELLA (jumping away)
Ow! That freakin’ hurts! What’s wrong with you?(Mrs. Cullen, Edward’s mom enters.)
MRS. CULLEN
Edward! What were you doing?EDWARD (runs to his mom)
Mom!MRS. CULLEN
What were you doing to this poor girl?EDWARD
She wanted me to bite her.MRS. CULLEN
Not again.BELLA
So he is a vampire.MRS. CULLEN
No, he’s not. But every teenage girl who’s read Twilight thinks he is. BELLA
But he’s pale, and he’s shiny in the daylight, and he’s broody. Speaks very few words. And he bit me, twice.MRS. CULLEN
He’s not a vampire. He’s mentally challenged.BELLA
He’s a retard?MRS. CULLEN
If that’s what you want to call it. Looks like he’s turned you into one, too.(Bella takes off the helmet and throws it on the ground.)
BELLA
He can’t do that, can he?MRS. CULLEN
Oh, sure. It’s like getting rabies. Better stay away from him, but, judging from your shiny forehead, it might be too late.(Bella wipes seat off her brow.)
BELLA
Oh, no. Oh, no! Emily! Emily! He’s turned me into a retard!(She runs off.)
EMILY (off)
Ew, stay away from me!EDWARD
Are we going to have to move, again?MRS. CULLEN
I don’t think so, Eddie. Just don’t bite people because they ask you to. EDWARD
Okay. I love you, Mom.MRS. CULLEN
I love you, too. Let’s go find some rats to feed on.EDWARD (clapping hands)
Yay! Rats!(Blackout)
