Written by Joe Janes
178 of 365
(Lights up on a living room. Susie is coloring. Joey and Bobby are playing a video game. Hostess Christy Ronson stands to the side.)
CHRISTYWelcome back. We have three contestants left. Susie, twelve, Joey and Bobby, both eight and nine. Packy, the family cat was eliminated last week after she and her kittens were unable to survive the laundry room “Trapped In A Dryer” Challenge. This week, the remaining siblings must survive the weekend under the care of Derek, the oldest son at 15 and de facto man of the house while the parents are away. Whoever makes it through the weekend with the least amount of penalties, gets to spend a week away from their big brother in a Holiday Inn Holidome two miles away. Let’s peek in via our hidden cameras on “Real Big Brother.”
(Derek, a big, lumbering teen walks in. He takes a controller away from Joey.)
DEREKGive me that, Urethra Franklin.
SUSIEYou’re not supposed to use dirty words, Derek.
DEREKUrethra’s not dirty. It’s in the dick-tionary. Who’s winning?
DEREKNot any more.
(Derek gives Bobby titty twisters as they play. This obviously hurts Bobby who eventually messes up.)
DEREKYou’re dead! I win – again!
BOBBYThat’s not fair.
DEREKYou gonna cry, crybaby?
BOBBYI’m just saying it’s not fair.
DEREKOh, boo-hoo. Poor little pouty baby.
SUSIEYou’re such a jerk, Derek.
DEREKShut up, Robert Downey Syndrome, Junior.
SUSIEThat’s not my name.
DEREKIt’s not? I’m sorry. I thought it was. What is your name?
SUSIESusie, jerk wad.
DEREKSusie Jerkwad, glands to meet ya’!
JOEYCan’t you just leave us alone?
DEREKNo, I can’t, fecal face. Because I’m in charge and we do what I say. Right now, you all have to (lifts the back of his shirt and sits down) scratch my back.
BOBBYYou have zits on your back.
JOEYThere are more zits than back.
DEREKToo bad, titmice. Get scratching, because who ever doesn’t do a good job, has to wear my jock strap on their head for the rest of the night. It’s a penal-ty.
(The three of them start scratching his back. There are a few unfortunate pops and pus sprays in the process.)
SUSIE (stops scratching)I’m going to throw up.
DEREKLooking at your face, I thought you already did. What about you two, Anus and Andy? How are you enjoying scratching my backside?
JOEY AND BOBBY (mumbling)…Okay…
DEREKThen, Susie. You get to wear my jockstrap on your head. Go ahead and fish it out of the dirty laundry.
SUSIEI hate this game
DEREKWell, girls –
JOEYWe’re not girls.
DEREKWell, then, men-strations. Time for some head-to-head challenges!
(Lights shift and Christy comes out.)
CHRISTYAfter a series of grueling challenges, Joey and Bobby find some peaceful moments in the confessional room. Let’s listen in.
(Lights up on a visibly upset Joey cradling a crying Bobby in the confessional.)
JOEYAnd then, he made us eat our own boogers. Till we ran out. Then he made us eat his boogers.
BOBBYThey were so huge! Like worms. How can a he have so much snot in his head? He’s not human.
JOEYThen he pinned us and dribbled a string of drool into our faces and then sucked it back up at the last second.
BOBBYExcept the last one.
JOEYExcept the last one.
BOBBYAfter he ate the Oreo cookie.
JOEYThat’s when Bobby snapped.
CHRISTYThe boys are having a rough time. Let’s bring Susie back into the picture. The game is too close to call. Let’s see how things play out in the deciding round.
(Bobby starts crying loudly and Joey tries to rock him and calm him down. Cut back to the living room with all of them together, including Susie with a jock strap on her head.)
DEREKOkay, one final testicle for you munch bags. You’re going to like this one. It’s a donut-eating contest!
JOEY AND BOBBYYay!
DEREKYep. All the Hertz donuts you want.
JOEYA Hertz donut?
(Derek punches Joey in the sack. He goes down to his knees in pain.)
DEREKHurts, don’ it?
(Cut back to Christy)
CHRISTYThe Hertz Donut Challenge – advantage, Susie. She ends up spending the week away from Derek. Joey was eliminated from the “Real Big Brother” competition due to a burst testicle. Next week, Susie and Bobby have to do Derek’s chores and steal their father’s credit card to buy porn on-line. And then there’s the final death challenge…
(Cut back to Derek)
DEREKOkay, organ donors; get ready to eat my farts!