Written by Joe Janes
7/15/09
178 of 365
CAST
Christy, 20s
Susie, 12
Joey, 8
Bobby, 9
Derek, 15
(Lights up on a living room. Susie is coloring. Joey and Bobby are playing a video game. Hostess Christy Ronson stands to the side.)
CHRISTY
Welcome back. We have three contestants left. Susie, twelve, Joey and Bobby, both eight and nine. Packy, the family cat was eliminated last week after she and her kittens were unable to survive the laundry room “Trapped In A Dryer” Challenge. This week, the remaining siblings must survive the weekend under the care of Derek, the oldest son at 15 and de facto man of the house while the parents are away. Whoever makes it through the weekend with the least amount of penalties, gets to spend a week away from their big brother in a Holiday Inn Holidome two miles away. Let’s peek in via our hidden cameras on “Real Big Brother.”(Derek, a big, lumbering teen walks in. He takes a controller away from Joey.)
DEREK
Give me that, Urethra Franklin.JOEY
Hey!SUSIE
You’re not supposed to use dirty words, Derek.DEREK
Urethra’s not dirty. It’s in the dick-tionary. Who’s winning?BOBBY
I am!DEREK
Not any more.(Derek gives Bobby titty twisters as they play. This obviously hurts Bobby who eventually messes up.)
DEREK
You’re dead! I win – again!BOBBY
That’s not fair. DEREK
You gonna cry, crybaby?BOBBY
I’m just saying it’s not fair.DEREK
Oh, boo-hoo. Poor little pouty baby.SUSIE
You’re such a jerk, Derek.DEREK
Shut up, Robert Downey Syndrome, Junior.SUSIE
That’s not my name.DEREK
It’s not? I’m sorry. I thought it was. What is your name?SUSIE
Susie, jerk wad.DEREK
Susie Jerkwad, glands to meet ya’!JOEY
Can’t you just leave us alone?DEREK
No, I can’t, fecal face. Because I’m in charge and we do what I say. Right now, you all have to (lifts the back of his shirt and sits down) scratch my back.SUSIE
Ew!BOBBY
You have zits on your back.JOEY
There are more zits than back.DEREK
Too bad, titmice. Get scratching, because who ever doesn’t do a good job, has to wear my jock strap on their head for the rest of the night. It’s a penal-ty.(The three of them start scratching his back. There are a few unfortunate pops and pus sprays in the process.)
SUSIE (stops scratching)
I’m going to throw up.DEREK
Looking at your face, I thought you already did. What about you two, Anus and Andy? How are you enjoying scratching my backside?JOEY AND BOBBY (mumbling)
…Okay…DEREK
Then, Susie. You get to wear my jockstrap on your head. Go ahead and fish it out of the dirty laundry.SUSIE
I hate this game(She exits.)
DEREK
Well, girls –JOEY
We’re not girls.DEREK
Well, then, men-strations. Time for some head-to-head challenges!(Lights shift and Christy comes out.)
CHRISTY
After a series of grueling challenges, Joey and Bobby find some peaceful moments in the confessional room. Let’s listen in.(Lights up on a visibly upset Joey cradling a crying Bobby in the confessional.)
JOEY
And then, he made us eat our own boogers. Till we ran out. Then he made us eat his boogers.BOBBY
They were so huge! Like worms. How can a he have so much snot in his head? He’s not human.JOEY
Then he pinned us and dribbled a string of drool into our faces and then sucked it back up at the last second. BOBBY
Except the last one.JOEY
Except the last one.BOBBY
After he ate the Oreo cookie.JOEY
That’s when Bobby snapped. CHRISTY
The boys are having a rough time. Let’s bring Susie back into the picture. The game is too close to call. Let’s see how things play out in the deciding round.(Bobby starts crying loudly and Joey tries to rock him and calm him down. Cut back to the living room with all of them together, including Susie with a jock strap on her head.)
DEREK
Okay, one final testicle for you munch bags. You’re going to like this one. It’s a donut-eating contest!SUSIE
Really?JOEY AND BOBBY
Yay!DEREK
Yep. All the Hertz donuts you want. JOEY
A Hertz donut?(Derek punches Joey in the sack. He goes down to his knees in pain.)
DEREK
Hurts, don’ it?(Cut back to Christy)
CHRISTY
The Hertz Donut Challenge – advantage, Susie. She ends up spending the week away from Derek. Joey was eliminated from the “Real Big Brother” competition due to a burst testicle. Next week, Susie and Bobby have to do Derek’s chores and steal their father’s credit card to buy porn on-line. And then there’s the final death challenge…(Cut back to Derek)
DEREK
Okay, organ donors; get ready to eat my farts!(Blackout)
