Week 50, Day 345 - "iMiranda"

"iMiranda"

Written by Joe Janes

12/29/09

345 of 365

CAST:

Brian, 50s

Tom, 40s

Collins, 30s

(Lights up on, Brian, a plain clothes cop throwing a handcuffed Tom into a chair. Another cop, Collins, enters behind them and stands in the background.)

BRIAN

Sit down, Scum.

TOM

I want my lawyer!

BRIAN

All right. All right. We’ll give you your one phone call.

(Collins brings a phone over and puts it on the table as Brian uncuffs one of Tom’s hands and locks the cuff on the table.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

I don’t know my lawyer’s number.

COLLINS (pulling out iPhone)

I can google it for you.

BRIAN

Call information.

TOM

But then I’m making two phone calls.

BRIAN

Oh, that’s right.

COLLINS

Actually, information can also dial the number for you. Costs a little more, but it’s technically just one phone call.

BRIAN

There you go.

(Tom dials 411. He presses one for English.)

TOM

I don’t know why they make you press a number if you speak English. English should be the default, you know.

BRIAN

I know. You should press a button if you don’t want English.

COLLINS

There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. There are also 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first and second language ^and there are 6 million Spanish students, making the US the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina. Que pasa?

TOM

Chicago, Illinois… I got a computer.

(Collins starts to speak; Brian holds his hand up to him to not.)

TOM (continuing)

Yeah, I need the number to my lawyer… Peter Francis Geracie. Geracie. It’s, um, J-

COLLINS (looking at his iPhone)

G.

TOM

G…

COLLINS (Tom repeats one letter at a time)

E-R-A-C-I-E. I have the number, too.

TOM

Yeah. Go ahead and connect me… It’s ringing… Oh, crap, it’s voicemail. I have to push a button. Bankruptcy…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

Divorce…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

There’s no “assault on an asshole with a deadly weapon.”

COLLINS

Press “0.” It usually puts you straight through to the office on most systems.

(Tom presses zero.)

TOM

It’s ringing, again… Yes, hello… What?...Oh… Do what, now?... Where are you?... Really?... Okay, I’m listening…

(Brian looks at Collins who shrugs that he doesn’t know what’s going on.)

TOM

Okay, thank you… I hope you enjoy being in Indiana…Oh, India. (He hangs up.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

Apparently, he only sees clients who are Facebook fans. Can I use a computer?

BRIAN

What the hell is happening to this world? We can’t drag a computer in here.

COLLINS

You can use my iPhone-

TOM

Does reading me my rights still count?

COLLINS

-just as soon as I tweet you your rights.

(Blackout.)

Week 24, Day 167 - "How Bad's The Coffee?"

“How Bad’s The Coffee?”
Written by Joe Janes
7/4/09
167 of 365

CAST:
Clyde, 40s
Morgan, 40s
Jeri, 40s

(Lights up on a plain-clothes cop, Jeri, in an interrogation room with Clyde, who sits slumped in his chair wearing a bathrobe. We can see bloodstains on his t-shirt. Morgan, another plainclothes cop, enters carrying two cups of coffee in Styrofoam cups and sets them down on the table.)

JERI

Thanks, Morgan.

(Jeri takes a sip and grimaces.)

MORGAN

How bad’s the coffee, Jeri?

JERI

Bad.

CLYDE

It’s in a Styrofoam cup.

JERI

And?

CLYDE

You’ll never have a good cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup. Simple as that. Styrofoam, even food-grade Styrofoam, isn't cured to the extent necessary to remove all out-gassing and leave only inert polymer. Hot beverages accelerate the release of free styrene monomer, among other things.

JERI

Great. So this Styrofoam cup is just one more shitty thing in this world out to kill me.

CLYDE

Not really. It just fucks up the taste. Is that one for me?

MORGAN

Yeah. Sorry, Clyde. Only got Styrofoam. Take it or leave it.

CLYDE

I’ll take it. I need it.

(He takes a sip and winces.)

CLYDE

None for you, Detective Morgan?

MORGAN

Makes me pee too much.

CLYDE

Caffeine is a diuretic. Diuretics promote the function of the kidneys, which filters urine. That makes you pee a lot.

JERI

Coffee makes me bust a move, if you know what I mean.

CLYDE

Caffeine inhibits an enzyme that is thought to regulate mucosal secretions in your small intestine. Secretions go up, so fluid in your bowel goes up, and if the amount of fluid in your colon is greater than the amount of fluid you can reabsorb, splat, you get diarrhea, or at least looser stools.

MORGAN

I think I just lost my taste for coffee altogether.

JERI

It’s never been about the taste, for me. If I don’t have my coffee, I get grumpy. You wouldn’t like me when I’m grumpy.

MORGAN

So, that’s what does it. I thought you were just born with a stick up your ass.

(They laugh.)

CLYDE

Irritability, gloom and constant fatigue along with sensations of discomfort are the primary symptoms of coffee addiction. The worst part is when you try dozing off at night, you just can't, no matter how hard you try; you just aren't able to fall asleep. That's not the end, it all goes round and round in a cycle: You wake up the next morning feeling low and stressed out, thirsty and craving for yet another steaming hot cup of coffee. Once you're tied into this chain of coffee consumption, it becomes too difficult to get yourself out of it.

(He takes another sip of his coffee, as does Jeri.)

CLYDE

Sweeten it and add cream, and you have quite the addiction cocktail. Caffeine, sugar, fat. It’s a steady daily intake of poison and quite the moneymaker for coffee “dealers.”

JERI

Clyde. Let’s get down to business here. Why’d you kill your wife?

CLYDE (sipping more coffee)

Bitch couldn’t make a decent cup of coffee.

(Blackout)