Written by Joe Janes
(Lights up on a lone man sitting on a chair center stage. He is an older man, slightly unkempt. He wears dark glasses. Sr there are two more chairs. Sl is a single chair. A very well dressed young man enters sr with a briefcase. Soft violin music begins to play offstage. He sits and sets the case next to him. He opens it. Inside the case, all there is standard fare for a sack lunch and a small thermos of milk. It is lunchtime. The young man opens a bag of chips. He then unwraps a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He opens the sandwich and carefully places chips on it. He smashes the sandwich and begins to nibble on it.)
OLD MANHow many minutes in yellow?
OLD MAN (continuing)How many minutes in yellow?
YOUNG MANI don’t understand what you’re asking.
OLD MANI was told the sun is yellow.
YOUNG MANI guess. You could say it’s orange, too.
OLD MANIn that case, how many oranges does it take to make yellow?
YOUNG MANWell, if you’re talking abut the sun, the sun is huge. It would take at least 48 oranges.
OLD MANAnd how many carrots?
YOUNG MANAdd five.
OLD MANI smelled green, today.
YOUNG MANWhat does green smell like?
OLD MANLike grass. I heard someone mowing a lawn and I smelled green.
YOUNG MANGreen can also smell like limes.
OLD MANI can feel green, too.
The young man opens his thermos and pours small curd cottage cheese into the cup.
YOUNG MANMe, too.
A beautiful woman enters and sits down SL. She is dressed as though she’s about to go to a fancy charity ball. She wears an iPod. She begins to knit. Her yarn is blood red. Both the old man and the young man turn and look at her and then return to looking out.
OLD MANHow long is black?
YOUNG MANBlack as night? About ten hours.
OLD MANI mean height.
YOUNG MANOh, very tall. About 5’ 8”.
The young man begins to eat a very large dill pickle. Unsliced.
A man dressed in 1920’s swimwear with a bathing cap, goggles and the number 44 painted on h is back enters and walks into the house. He slowly swims laps through the rows of the audience.
OLD MANWhat about the color purple?
YOUNG MANWhat about it?
OLD MANI have no idea what it is. Is it like jazz?
YOUNG MANNo. It’s not that.
OLD MANIs it fuzzy?
YOUNG MANNo, not that.
OLD MANIs it like dew on barefeet?
YOUNG MANNot that.
OLD MANThen what is it?
YOUNG MANI’m not sure what it is. Only what it isn’t. I’m quite certain it’s not wet fuzzy jazz on barefeet.
OLD MANWhat kind of sound does purple make?
The young man makes a bleating noise. The beautiful woman sets down her knitting. Takes off her iPod. Looks at the two men. They look at her. Disgusted, she leaves.
The young man has finished his lunch. He closes his briefcase and stands.
YOUNG MANIt’s more golden than orange or yellow.
OLD MANWhat color is golden?
The Old Man rises. As he exits, he sneezes, blows his nose, looks at his handkerchief.
The swimmer drowns.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"A recent crime spree in South Africa is being blamed on a gang of what?"
10% said "Ex-policemen"
- Plying the tools of their trade, no doubt. Or just "no."
Nobody thought it was "Cult members" or "Soccer players"
- My fault. They are synonymous and cancel each other out.
90% got it right with "Hungry baboons"
According to Sky News, chacma baboons, which live wild in the Cape peninsula, have been raiding people's homes for food and causing thousands of pounds in damage. According to one resident "They get into the kitchens, they know where the fridge is, they open it and take everything, and then they defecate everywhere." Still sounds like soccer players to me.