Week 42, Day 293 - "Lake Rood"

“Lake Rood”

Written by Joe Janes

11/7/09

293 of 365

CAST

Theodore, 50s

Jeff, 30s

Pooper, ??

(Lights up on Theodore, a homeless man, rummaging through alley dumpsters looking for food. He comes across a framed painting.)

THEODORE

Lovely day for shopping at the local market. Hello, Mabel, how are you? How’s Vern? How are the kids? Why, no, I did not hear about Peter? Really? What a rascal! Well, she’s better off, let me tell you…Hello? What’s this? Somebody painted this. Somebody painted this, stuck it in a frame and someone threw it out in the trash. Looks like a train. Or a mill.

(Jeff walks by with his dog.)

THEODORE

Hey, mister. Got any change?

JEFF

No, Theodore. Not tonight. Just out walking my dog.

THEODORE

Yeah, yeah. Jeff, right? And his wonder mutt. Hey, you like art? You look like an art man to me. Or maybe your wife. Or your dog.

JEFF

What did you find there?

THEODORE

A painting. Look. I think it’s a train. Or a mill.

JEFF

Or a serene lake in autumn as if you were looking from the front porch of your father’s cabin where he died.

THEODORE

I suppose we all see what we want to see. That’s the point of art, right? Give it to you for ten bucks. You want to buy it?

JEFF

No. I want to strangle my wife.

THEODORE

That’s twenty. Cash only.

JEFF

I painted this. This is where I used to go as a kid with my dad. Lake Rood. R-o-o-d.

THEODORE

I know how to spell. Well, Jeff, I can see it has sentimental value. You can talk me down on the price.

JEFF

I don’t understand why Lacey threw it out. She knew it meant something to me. She never said anything bad about it, ever. It’s been on the wall above our sofa for years. Years. Longer than we’ve owned…him. (indicates the dog)

THEODORE

Guess that’s why I never got married. That and I’ve been told I have an aroma women find unattractive. Not a good one. Sort of like baby powder and vomit.

JEFF

I’ve never done anything bad to anything she owns.

THEODORE

Want me to see what I can get for it and give you a cut?

JEFF

This is her dog, too. I walk him every night. I do. Rain or no rain. She named him Pooper. Such a horrible name. I’m embarrassed to call him.

THEODORE

Pooper. That’s bad. It’s one thing if you gain a name like that as a nickname, but to intentionally be named that. Hey, Fuck Box! (Jeff looks at him.) That’s the last name someone called me. I deserved it for reasons I wish not to go into. I’m glad it didn’t stick.

JEFF

Oh, and look. It has a scratch in it. And some grape jelly.

(Theodore looks at the painting and licks off the jelly.)

THEODORE

You should get back at her.

JEFF

You’re right. I should. Here.

(He hands Theodore Pooper’s leash.)

THEODORE

Whoa, man. A dog? What am I going to do with a dog? I can’t even feed myself.

JEFF

Eat it. I don’t care. It’s not my dog. But I want my painting. My house, my painting. It goes where I say it goes. I’ll tell Lacey I traded the dog to get my painting back. That will serve her right.

(Theodore hands him the painting.)

THEODORE

Okay. I can probably get more money for, uh, man, I have to give him another name.

JEFF

Do that. He’ll be thankful.

(Jeff exits with the painting. Theodore sits Pooper down.)

THEODORE

Sit…Petey…Butch…Yeller…Fuck Box… (This last name excites Pooper.) Oh, you like that name. Okay, then, from this day forward you shall be known as Fuck Box. Let’s see if we can find us both some food, because if we don’t, that hind leg of yours is looking delish. That’s right, delish. I’m fancy.

(They walk off together as lights fade.)

Week 30, Day 208 - “Pepper"

“Pepper”
Written by Joe Janes
8/14/09
208 of 365

CAST
Pepper, 30s
Jason, 30s
Pepper?
Jason?

(Lights up on Pepper in a smart looking running outfit complete with an iPod arm band and ear buds securely in ears. She is stretching and warming up before her run. Jason enters with his new puppy dog on a leash. He stand back and off to the side when he sees Pepper. He sits on a bench and speaks to his dog.)

JASON

There she is, Pepper. She does this every afternoon. Does she know? Does she know just how enchanting she is? Her name is Pepper, too. I named you after her. I know, I know, you are not she. But it is nice to come home and say, “Hi, Pepper, I’m home… How was your day, today, Pepper?... You look pretty today, Pepper?” And I can imagine you saying, “Hi, Jason, I missed you… Let me give you kisses, Jason… Let me curl up in your lap and let you rub my ears.” I know her name is Pepper because I heard her answer her cell phone. Very authoritative. “This Pepper… Pepper here… Pepper. Start talking.” I love powerful women. They scare the hell out of me. I so wish I knew her. It would be easier if I knew her. How do you introduce yourself to someone who doesn’t know you from Adam. We don’t work together. We don’t have any mutual friends. I could take up running, but I bet she’s fast. I’d never keep up. She probably does marathons. I couldn’t even do a fun run. It would be anything but fun. Unless watching someone clutching his side, panting and wheezing is someone’s idea of fun. I’ll bet she’s a lawyer. Something powerful. She calls the shots. You don’t mess with her. She’s taking down names. She’s on her feet all day. They probably need rubbing. I would rub them. Every day. I would make the perfect housewife… husband. Househusband. I’d greet her at the door with a refreshing beverage and ask her how her day was and fix her dinner and curl up in her lap when we watch “Dancing With The Stars” or “Nova.” Maybe someday we’ll meet like the way people meet in the movies. We’ll accidentally bump into each other and I’ll help her pick her law books and she’ll help me pick up my Redbox DVD rental. “Why, yes, I am into the film adaptation of John Grisham novels. What’s that? You’re a lawyer? We must continue this discussion over a latte. I know this little place called Starbucks. I have a gift card.” (He sighs. Pepper stops stretching and looks around.)

PEPPER

Jason! Jason!

(Jason and Pepper the dog’s ears perk up. Jason the puppy dog comes bounding up to her.)

PEPPER (continuing)

Good boy! Good boy! Let’s go for a run! Let’s go!

(They run off. Jason and Pepper the dog watch them go.)

JASON

If only we had something in common.

(Blackout)