Week 46, Day 322 - "Who's Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?"

“Who’s Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?”

Written by Joe Janes

12/6/09

322 of 365

Cast:

George, 40s

Martha, 40s

Ted, 20s

Virginia, 20s

Announcer

(Lights up on a living room. A middle-aged couple is having drinks with a young couple. The young woman is pregnant.)

GEORGE

Get me another drink, Martha.

MARTHA

Get it yourself, George. Wouldn’t hurt you to try to burn some calories.

TED

I’ll get it.

GEORGE

Sit down, you pathetic twerp.

VIRGINIA (meekly)

Please don’t argue.

MARTHA

Dear, we haven’t even begun to argue.

TED

Virginia is a little sensitive.

GEORGE (looking out window)

Look at that moon. It’s big.

MARTHA

Only eclipsed by the size of your ego, George.

VIRGINA (drops her drink)

Oh, dear.

TED

Now, you’ve done it.

GEORGE

Great Jehosephat!

MARTHA

I’ll call a doctor.

TED

Just stay back!

(They all stay back as Virginia quite dramatically and violently turns into a werewolf. Virginia is snarling and looks like she’s about to attack any one of them. We hear classic scary music, possibly a Theremin. Virginia howls.)

ANNOUNCER

Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia the Wolf?. You are cordially invited to George and Martha’s for an evening of fun and games.

(Virginia, as a wolf, sitting and drinking her cocktail like a dog laps up water. Ted tries to take her drink and she growls at him.)

ANNOUNCER (continuing)

Drop in for drinks and brace yourself.

(Blackout)

Week 45, Day 315 - "Cat Men On The Moon"

“Cat Men On The Moon”

Written by Joe Janes

11/29/09

315 of 365

Cast:

Capt. Yolanda, 30s

Cmdr. Carol, 30s

Lt. Lana, 30s

Leonardo, 30s

Crispin, 30s

Harris, 30s

(Lights up on Yolanda, Carol and Lana in their spaceship.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

There it is, ladies. After six months in space, we’ve finally reached it. The moon.

COMMANDER CAROL

Sure is a pretty sight, Captain.

LT. LANA

When do we break out the champagne?

CAPT. YOLANDA

They’ll be plenty of time to celebrate, Lt. Lana, when we’re back home on earth, safe and sound.

LT. LANA

That’s too bad. Six months cooped up in this spaceship with you two, a girl could go batty.

COMMANDER CAROL

Guess I’ll save these cigars, too. (She pats her breast pocket.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Coming in for a landing. Brace yourselves.

(The ship is having a rocky time of it.)

COMMANDER CAROL

The engines have cut out.

CAPT. YOLANDA

I have very little control. The steering is shot.

LT. LANA

Aim for that canyon on the right. It looks like it has a smooth service for landing.

CAPT YOLANDA

I’ll do my best.

(We hear the sound of the ship crashing. Darkness. Lights back up on the three of them outside their spacecraft.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Well, how does it look?

COMMANDER CAROL

Well, he’s banged up pretty bad. But I think I can knock the dings out of him. The propulsion system seems shot. I can’t find anything wrong, it just won’t go. It’s dead. We’re not getting out of here unless someone picks us up and throws us.

CAPT. YOLANDA

What’s your report, Lt.?

LT. LANA

We have enough food and water to last a week. Maybe two, if we go easy on the Tab.

CAPT. YOLANDA

Quite a fix, ain’t it, ladies? Always wanted to go to the moon. Didn’t know I’d get stuck here.

LT. LANA

And no men around for millions of miles.

(A “meow” is heard.)

COMMANDER CAROL

Anybody else hear that?

CAPT. YOLANDA

Must have been the wind.

(Another “meow” is heard from a different location)

LT. LANA

That’s no wind.

(The three stand like a triangle with their backs to each other, slowly rotating.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Come out and show yourself or we start shooting.

LEONARDO entering)

There’s no need for that.

(Three men dressed in black leotards and cat ears enter. It is Leonardo, Crispin and Harris – pronounced harr-iss.)

LEONARDO

We mean you no harm. I am Leonardo. This is Crispin and Harris.

CRISPIN

Meow.

HARRIS

Meow.

LT. LANA

Men! Sort of.

CAPT. YO

We are from the planet Earth.

LEONARDO

We know where you are from. We brought you here.

CDR CAROL

We’ve been traveling here for months.

LEONARDO

We brought you here with our minds! (They all press their temples and meow in unison)

CAPT. YO

We were coming here any way. Your minds had nothing to do with it.

LEONARDO

We’re the ones keeping you here, Captain Yolanda. Our minds prevent you from flying away.

CMDR CAROL

That explains why I can’t find anything wrong.

LT. LANA

He knew your name?

CAPT. YOLANDA

He knows all our names, Lana. They’re on our uniforms.

LEONARDO

Enough of this chitty chatting. Come with us.

CAPT. YO

We’re not going anywhere.

LEONARDO

Yes, you are. (They all three use their mind-meowing focusing all their energy. This goes for a long time until they run out of breath.) Oh, just get them.

(Crispin and Harris grab Lana, Carol and Capt. Yo while Leonardo circles them with a rope, occasionally swatting away Crispin and Harris, who keep batting at the big string.)

CAPT YO

At least tell us who you are. You are the first alien life forms earthlings have ever encountered.

LEONARDO

We are the cat men of the Moon.

CDR CAROL

Where are all the women?

LEONARDO

They are all…gone. We need you three to populate the moon with us. You will be our love slaves.

LT. LANA

Why would we want to do that?

CDR CAROL

It’s not really my thing.

LEONARDO

Perhaps this will change your mind. (Leonardo, Crispin and Harris all start dancing seductively to some Theremin-type music.)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon

Clawing into your minds sooner or later

Our feline motions will make you go swoon

We don’t poop in a box, we use a crater

(Their dancing leads to rubbing their faces up against the women’s legs.)

CAPT YO

Okay, okay. I can’t take it any more. We’ll mate with you.

LEONARDO

That’s better.

CAPT YO

Untie us. We can’t mate with you unless we can move around.

(Leonardo unties them.)

LEONARDO

Very well. No tricks. We still have our claws. (The cat men all hiss lightly.)

CAPT YO

C’mon, ladies.

LT. LANA

Captain, what gives?

CAPT YO

Just follow my lead. Pick a tabby, girls. Let’s do some heavy petty.

(Capt Yo starts rubbing Leonardo’s ears, Lt. Lana scratches Crispin’s chin, and Cmdr Carol rubs Harris’s belly.)

CMDR. CAROL (sneezing)

We sure are kicking up a lot of fur.

LT.LANA

My eyes are starting to burn.

CAPT YO

Keep rubbing.

LEONARDO

This feels so good. Oh, no.

(Leonardo doubles over and starts hacking up a hairball. Crispin and Harris soon join him.)

CAPT. YO

Just as I hoped. Hairballs. Lana – try the propulsion system.

LT. LANA (runs to spaceship)

It’s all lit up.

CMDR CAROL

I don’t get it?

CAPT YO

While hacking up fur balls, they can’t use their minds to control our spaceship. Let’s go!

(The women run off and we hear their spaceship blast off.)

LEONARDO

No! No! Come back! Come back!

(The three collapse together, recovering from their hairballs, wailing at the sky.)

CRISPIN

What shall we do, now?

HARRIS

We’ll never repopulate the moon.

LEONARDO

We shall use our minds to pull them back- oh, hey, you’ve got something in your ear.

(Leonardo starts licking Crispin’s ear as Harris starts grooming himself, stops for a moment and looks up, resumes licking himself. Cut to the women in their spaceship.)

CAPT YO

That was close.

LT. LANA

We’re on our way home, now. All systems go.

CAPT YO

Set a course for home, Commander.

CMDR CAROL

Meow, sir.

(Theremin music kicks in as Yo and Lana look at Carol who slyly licks her paw. As the lights fade we hear…)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon!

Week 35, Day 245 - “Pinocchio"

“Pinocchio”

Written by Joe Janes

3/20/09

245 of 365

CAST

Pinocchio, 5

Geppetto, 60s

Figaro, 5

Jiminy, 30

Blue Fairy, 50

(Lights up on Geppetto putting the finishing touches on his new wooden puppet, Pinocchio. Figaro sleeps near his feet. Jiminy Cricket appears downstage.)

JIMINY

Oh, hi there. My name’s Jiminy. Jiminy Cricket. And I’m here to tell you about my good friend, Pinocchio. One starry night, I was walking past old man Geppetto’s toyshop when I saw the most amazing thing.

GEPPETTO

Just a little more paint, Figaro, and my puppet will be finished.

FIGARO

Meow.

GEPPETTO

There! Now, isn’t that nice?

FIGARO

Meow.

GEPPETTO

Oh, how I wish it were a real boy. I’d like to have a son. Never was quite able to master that “courting women” thing. But, a boy. Someone to teach my craft to, someone to give my love to, someone to claim as a dependent. Someone to clean my shop for free. You know what I’m going to call him? Pinocchio. You like that name, Figaro?

FIGARO

Meow.

GEPPETTO

Yeah. Me, too. Sounds like a card game. Maybe I’ll come up with a better name tomorrow. Maybe Lance or Ed. Oh, well, I’m sleepy. I’m an old man. I go eat a big ham sandwich and go to the bed.

(Geppetto exits. Figaro follows.)

FIGARO

Meow.

JIMINY

Geppetto went to bed and I got a closer look at Pinocchio. Red lederhosen and a yellow cap. What evil, twisted things did this Geppetto have planned? Suddenly, the room filled with a blue light.

(The Blue Fairy, a Chicago cop wearing a tutu enters.)

BLUE

Okay, Cockroach. Back away from the puppet, slowly now.

JIMINY

I’m not a cockroach. I’m a cricket.

BLUE

What’s the difference?

JIMINY

Well, for one thing, I chirp!

BLUE
Whoop-de-doo, a loud cockroach.

JIMINY

Just who the heck are you supposed to be with your shiny badge and big wings?

BLUE

I’m a cop. And I happen to be a fairy. Let’s leave it at that.

JIMINY

Am I in some kind of trouble?

BLUE

Do you live here?

JIMINY

No.

BLUE

Then you are in some kind of trouble. Stick around. I’ve got other business to tend to first.

(The Blue Fairy touches Pinocchio’s head with his magic nightstick.)

JIMINY

Then the Blue Fairy took his magic nightstick and touched Pinocchio’s head with it.

BLUE

Hey. Stuff a sock in it, and watch that fairy talk.

PINOCCHIO

What, oh, Lordy, my head. Hey, I can talk! I’m alive! I know words!

BLUE

That’s right, Pinocchio. I have given you life.

PINOCCHIO

Am I a real boy?

BLUE

No. You’re still just pieces of wood put together with an IKEA Alan wrench. You can become a boy, though. You must prove yourself brave, truthful and unselfish.

PINOCCHIO

Well, being wooden isn’t all that bad, I guess.

BLUE

Don’t you want to even try to become real?

PINOCCHIO

Not really? Sounds like a lot of hard work. Besides, I’ll last longer and never have to worry about eating or pooping.

JIMINY

Gotta side with the wood on that one.

PINOCCHIO

Ew! A cockroach!

JIMINY

Cricket, thank you.

PINOCCHIO

What’s the difference?

JIMINY

I have a hat. And I have the adorable name of Jiminy. Cockroaches have zero flair. And most of them are named Stan. If you had a conscience, you’d be a little more polite about such sensitive issues.

BLUE

There you go, Jiminy Cricket. I’ll let you off the hook for breaking and entering Geppetto’s Toy Shop if you help the puppet here become a boy. Be his conscience for him.

JIMINY

Crap on me.

BLUE

It’s settled then. Stay out of trouble, Pinocchio. If you don’t, I’ll be back.

PINOCCHIO

Bye, Blue.

JIMINY

Bye, Officer.

(Blue exits. Geppetto enters brandishing a baseball bat.)

GEPPETTO

What’s going on out here?

PINOCCHIO

Father!

GEPPETTO

Oh! My heart!

(Geppetto clutches his chest and falls to the floor. Dead.)

JIMINY

Oh, no! He’s dead.

PINOCCHIO

This is the worst day of my entire life.

JIMINY

I don’t see how things could get any worse.

(Figaro walks in upright eating a ham sandwich. Figaro sees Jiminy, drops the sandwich and switches into full on cat attack mode, growling. Figaro grabs Jiminy and drags him off.)

JIMINY

Help, Pinocchio! Help me! He’s got my head in his mouth! (We hear a large crunch sound.)

PINOCCHIO

Jiminy Cockroach! I’ll save you!

(Pinocchio grabs the baseball bat and runs off. We hear him beating Figaro to a pulp. Pinocchio comes back in covered in blood and bits of fur, The Blue Fairy returns.)

BLUE

All right, wood boy. Step away from the body.

PINOCCHIO

I didn’t do anything, honest.

BLUE

Honest? Ha. Three dead bodies, you covered in blood and holding some wooden phallus. Should have trusted my gut about the red lederhosen. No one sane wears red lederhosen.

PINOCCHIO

What will happen to me, now?

BLUE

That’s up to the judge. But I wouldn’t want to be in your clogs.

(Blue drags Pinocchio off. The ghost of Jiminy Cricket appears.)

JIMINY

And Pinocchio lived happily ever after. Well, not at first. Pinocchio is charge with manslaughter. He serves five years in a maximum-security prison. One time in the laundry room, he is sodomized with a broomstick which catches his ass on fire. He loses the ability to sit. Once free, he gets a minimum wage job at Felony Franks on the South Side serving up hot dogs. One day, he stands too close to the open flame grill and loses his right arm. He now lives off of worker’s comp and keeps a room at the Y. He never became a real boy, but he does enjoy their company. That’s happy, right? (Off stage we hear a ghostly “meow.”) Gotta go!

(Blackout.)

Week 35, Day 243 - “Et Tude?"

“Et Tude?”

Written by Joe Janes

9/18/09

243 of 365

CAST

Stagnacius, 30s

Dominico, 30s

Portia, 30s

(Circa 96 AD. Lights up on Stagnacius, a roman emperor, sitting on his thrown. He wears a toga and is way out of shape. He looks deathly bored. He sighs. He looks puzzled as he shifts in his seat. He reaches under him and produces half a cookie. Delighted, he eats it ravenously. Once consumed, he returns to his state of boredom and sighs, again. Dominico enters and falls to one knee.)

DOMINICO

Emperor Stagnacius. You summoned me.

STAGNACIUS

I did, Dominico.

DOMINICO (rising)

How may I serve your excellence this day?

STAGNACIUS

I’m bored.

DOMINICO

I can arrange to have someone tortured and killed for your amusement. We’re all out of Christians. Perhaps one of the slaves. Or an actor. Or, oh, I’m good…an actor dressed like a Christian. Praying for mercy while being torn apart by a lion. Good times.

STAGNACIUS

I appreciate the effort, Dominico. I need entertainment more of the feminine variety. I think maybe it’s time for me to take a wife.

DOMINICO

Ah, well, there are many eligible, nubile young maidens that I could round up for your inspection.

STAGNACIUS

No, no, you misunderstand me. I said, “Take a wife.”

DOMINICO

I see, as in, one who is already betrothed. Is there someone the emperor already has his eyes upon?

STAGNACIUS

Oh, I don’t know. There’s that woman who I always see from my balcony. She wears a green sash around her waist. It matches her eyes.

DOMINICO

You can tell that from the balcony?

STAGNACIUS

The gods have blessed me with their superior vision.

DOMINICO

Woman with a green sash.

STAGNACIUS

Yes. I see her around this time every day bringing a small basket of food to one of my officers.

DOMINICO

Her name is Portia.

STAGNACIUS

Oh, you are acquainted?

DOMINICO

She is my wife.

STAGNACIUS

Ah. Give her to me.

DOMINICO

What kind of husband would I be to simply give my wife to another man?

STAGNACIUS

One that is not dressed up like a Christian being torn apart by lions for my amusement.

DOMINICO

I see.

STAGNACIUS

Dominico, I am not a man without rationale. I am the emperor. I have no time to court a woman. It would take me away from my very important duties.

DOMINICO

Sitting is very important.

STAGNACIUS

Not everyone can do it and still look like a god. It takes so much energy.

DOMINICO

Still, I can’t help but think an emperor might be better served by marrying, say, a virgin.

STAGNACIUS

Virgins. I’ve had virgins. The idea is good on parchment, not so good in the sack. I need a woman who has proven herself. One with experience but is not a professional. One who has proven her ability to be a good wife.

DOMINICO

Oh, well, there you have it. Portia is not a good wife.

STAGNACIUS

But I see her every day bringing you a meal she cooked herself. And she greets you with such warmth. And you have children, so it’s clear she knows how to do it and is willing to.

DOMINICO

She means well in her appearance, but she is a lousy cook. I always end up tossing the contents of the basket into the slave pit whereupon they shun it as if it were horse dung.

STAGNACIUS

No!

DOMINICO

Tis truth.

STAGNACIUS

Slaves won’t even eat her cooking? Well, good thing I have a cook. And I will have my cook make extra so you no longer starve for your supper.

DOMINICO

You are a very good and generous, emperor.

STAGNACIUS

Go fetch Portia for me, then. We shall wed immediately.

DOMINICO

Right away. (He turns to leave.) There’s something else you should know about Portia.

STAGNACIUS

What?

DOMINICO

While it is fact she has done the naked wrestle with me and our efforts have produced two strong young boys she, well… I should allow you to find out for yourself.

STAGNACIUS

No, no. What is it? Tell me everything?

DOMINICO

Portia has a bad back. She only does it one way and can only do it one way. Standing up.

STAGNACIUS

Standing up? I can barely stand up for more than ten minutes at a time without growing short of breath. To stand and also pump the aqua duct would be too much for me to bear.

DOMINICO

Not to mention the height difference. Portia is taller than you. You’ll need to stand on a stool.

STAGNACIUS

Humiliating. That simply will not do. Call it off, call it off, call it off. (Short of breath, he sits down.)

DOMINICO

I’m sorry that things won’t work out between you and my wife, emperor.

STAGNACIUS

Oh, wait. I’m a fool. Have the surgeon amputate her just below the knees. Solved! I am brilliant.

DOMINICO

Uh, sure. I’ll bring the doctor over to my home.

STAGNACIUS

Hold. Let me think about this. Your wife is how tall? (Dominico holds up his hand to about half a foot higher than the emperor is tall.) And if she is cut off just below the knees, where does that leave her? (Dominico thinks about this and moves his hand down a foot. Stagnacius takes Dominico’s hand and moves it down to just above his groin.) Have the doctor amputate to just above her thighs. Perfect!

DOMINICO

The emperor’s brain is most spectacular. No mortal would have thought to do that. I shall go fetch my Portia. She’ll be elated to hear the news.

(Portia enters with a basket of food. Protruding from it is a long loaf of bread.)

PORTIA

Darling, there you are.

DOMINICO

Dear Portia. You must not barge unannounced into the emperor’s throne room like this.

STAGNACIUS

Nonsense. This is clearly a sign from the gods. My dearest Portia. (He kisses her hand.)

PORTIA (curtseying)

Emperor Stagnacius.

DOMINICO

My love, the emperor is taken with you.

STAGNACIUS

I am, indeed.

PORTIA

That’s so delightful to hear.

DOMINICO

So taken, that he would like to take you.

PORTIA

Take me where?

STAGNACIUS

To be my bride.

(Stagnacius takes Portia’s basket and hands it to Dominico as he continues to slowly paw at Portia.)

PORTIA

But I am already married to a husband I love greatly. And we have two children. Two wonderful boys, Marshal and Sammy.

STAGNACIUS

And with me, you shall have even more children. Just as soon as the surgeon rids you of those towering legs of yours.

PORTIA

I beg your pardon?

STAGNACIUS

So we can do it standing up, like you like.

PORTIA

I much prefer the horizontal methods to the vertical.

STAGNACIUS

But your bad back?

PORTIA

My back is strong and sturdy.

STAGNACIUS (to Dominico)

You lied to me.

DOMINICO

I did. Except for about one thing.

(Dominico takes the loaf of bread and stabs Stagnacius with it.)

DOMINICO (continuing)

She is a lousy cook.

(Stagnacius falls to the floor dead.)

PORTIA

Darling.

(Dominico and Portia hug. Blackout.)

Week 35, Day 240 - “The Film of My Love”

“The Film of My Love”

Written by Joe Janes

9/15/09

240 of 365

CAST

Sierra, 30s

Tom, 30s

Director, 50s

Mookie, 20s

Andy, 20s

(Lights up on Sierra, the pretty one, holding books and stacking them onto shelves in a bookstore. Tom, the handsome one, is on the other side of the bookstore picking a couple of books off a shelf. He turns and runs into Sierra. They both drop books and stoop down to pick them back up.)

SIERRA

Watch where you’re going, jag off.

TOM

Hey, maybe if your fat ass wasn’t taking up half the aisle, I wouldn’t have slammed into you.

DIRECTOR

Cut! (He hops up onto the stage followed by Mookie, who hands Sierra and Tom new scripts.) I don’t think you two got the new pages. We’ve decided not to go with “oh, no, they don’t get along” beginning. Take a looksie at them real quick.

(They look them over.)

DIRECTOR

Got it?

TOM

Yeah. I think so.

SIERRA

Let’s do this.

(The director and Mookie exit as Sierra and Tom reset themselves.)

DIRECTOR

And… Action!

(Tom bumps into Sierra again and they both stoop down to pick up the fallen books.)

TOM

Oh, dear, I am such a klutz. My mind is preoccupied thinking about my ex-girlfriend and I’m here buying books on how to mend a broken heart. I am so sorry.

SIERRA

Well, you really should be more careful-

(They both pick up one of the books at the same time and their eyes meet.)

SIERRA (continuing)

But that’s okay.

TOM

My name’s Tom.

SIERRA

Sierra.

TOM

I know.

SIERRA

You know?

TOM

It’s on your nametag.

SIERRA

Oh. (She laughs.) For a moment, I thought you were a stalker.

TOM (ominously)

Not yet.

DIRECTOR

Cut! (He and Mookie hop up on stage again. Mookie hands them some rewritten pages.) Sorry, kids. Really. This script is in such a state of flux. Got the producers biting melons out of my ass to make bankable, but edgy changes. There was a little tweak there at the end. Let’s pick it up from where you just both grabbed the same book and stand up…(He and Mookie exit. He continues speaking from offstage.) Ready?.... Action!

TOM

My name’s Tom.

SIERRA

Sierra.

TOM

I know. I’m psychic.

SIERRA

You are?

TOM

And I know how to read. (He points at her nametag. She laughs.) You have the most amazing eyes.

SIERRA

So do you.

(They kiss.)

DIRECTOR

And…cut!

(He and Mookie hop up on stage, again.)

TOM

That’s kind of sudden, isn’t it?

SIERRA

They did just meet.

DIRECTOR

Hey, it’s edgy and attractive and we’re doing a 90-minute rom-com here, not Lord of the BO-Rings. Quick, let’s catch the relationship montage.

SIERRA

Montage?

DIRECTOR (snapping his fingers)

Scripts, Mookie, scripts. Hand them the rewrite. Instead of spending the next 40 pages on you two getting to know each other, we’re just going to cram the highlights into a two-minute green screen montage. Ready?

SIERRA

Two minutes?

DIRECTOR

Too long? You might be right. Minute and a half. Ready?

TOM

Not really.

DIRECTOR

Don’t sweat it. Mookie will call out the scenes. (He and Mookie hop off stage.) Ready….and action!

(A fun upbeat pop tune kicks in. Something like “When Love Comes Knocking” by The Monkees.)

MOOKIE

Walking along the beach!

(Tom and Sierra walk along hand and hand and pretend to kick at the surf.)

MOOKIE

Horse carriage ride!

(Tom and Sierra pretend to be in the back of a horse carriage snuggling under a blanket.)

MOOKIE

Sharing an ice-cream cone.

(Tom and Sierra pretend to be sharing an ice-cream cone. Sierra takes a bit of ice cream and puts it on the tip of Tom’s nose. They laugh. Tom, with a devilish grin, holds the ice-cream cone out to Sierra. She takes a lick and he pushes it into her face. They laugh. She boxes one of his ears. He slaps her across the face. They laugh. She kicks him in the balls. He drops to his knees and, since he’s there anyway, punches her in the groin. She falls back; they look at each other and laugh.)

DIRECTOR

And cut! (He and Mookie hop back up onto stage.) Well done, well done. Cute as shit. So true to life. Everyone falls in love like that. I thought we might have to cut the cooter punch, but you two really sold it. Good job. What’s next Mookie?

MOOKIE

Boy loses girl.

DIRECTOR

Right, right.

SIERRA

Party scene where he kisses his ex-girlfriend and I see it, right?

TOM

No, no. We changed it. You accept a job overseas.

DIRECTOR

We’ve really got to do a better job of keeping you two apprised of rewrites. Sierra gets kidnapped by terrorists.

MOOKIE

Actually, she dies of cancer.

DIRECTOR

Oh, right, right. Cancer replaced terrorists. Terrorists are so not next year. Cancer is always in vogue.

TOM

So, I literally lose her.

SIERRA

I get a death scene? Awesome. Hello, Oscar! (She tries to high five Tom, who does not reciprocate. She turns to the director, who delegates it,)

DIRECTOR

Mookie…

(Mookie returns Sierra’s high five.)

DIRECTOR (continuing)

Actually, Sierra, cancer’s romantic and all, but takes too long. So, you get cancer, don’t tell Tom because you don’t want him see you all cancery, and manufacture a reason to break up with him-

MOOKIE

You’re just not that in to him.

DIRECTOR

Which he goes along with, but doesn’t really buy. So, he follows you.

MOOKIE

You suspect he’s following you, so you start walking faster, tears streaming down your cheeks, until you’re running and then you turn right into a bus.

TOM

But, it’s a romantic comedy.

DIRECTOR

With an edge.

TOM

Okay, okay. With an edge. But, I’m still supposed to get her in the end, right?

DIRECTOR

You do.

SIERRA

How? I’m dead.

DIRECTOR

Tom gets to keep your ashes.

MOOKIE

And then when Tom dies of a broken heart, he has his ashes mixed with yours and then thrown into the ocean.

SIERRA

Who does that?

DIRECTOR

Your gay best friend.

SIERRA

What gay best friend?

(Andy flamboyantly steps out onto the stage.)

ANDY

Did somebody call for a gay best friend?

DIRECTOR

Not yet, Andy. Go back to your trailer.

MOOKIE

We stocked it with gay things.

(Andy pouts, turns and walks off.)

TOM

He hasn’t been in the story at all up to this point.

DIRECTOR

We’ll retrofit him, CG him into the earlier scenes. Don’t worry. People will buy it. Any questions?

SIERRA

Why are we doing this?

TOM

That’s a good question. Aren’t there enough romantic comedies, with or without edge, in the world?

DIRECTOR

It’s a love story. People love love. Goes all the way back to Romeo and Juliet.

SIERRA

The 90s?

DIRECTOR

Or look at how many love songs there are. Every band churns them out, The Beatles built a career on it. People are hungry for them. People want what they don’t have and what they don’t have is a decent love story of their own.

MOOKIE

We need to break for the day, Sir. Union rules.

DIRECTOR

All right, that’s a wrap people. Be back on the set bright and early tomorrow. We’ll start with the “I’ve Got Can-Can-Cancer” music video number.

(Sierra and Tom have no idea what he’s talking about. The director and Mookie exit. Sierra and Tim shrug at one another.)

TOM

Want to go get a cup of coffee?

SIERRA

No.

(Tom nods. They stand there awkwardly. Lights fade.)