Week 51, Day 353 - "Anna.2"

“Anna.2”

Written by Joe Janes

1/6/10

353 of 365

Cast

Rammel, 30s

Anna.2, 30s robot

Anna, 30s

(Lights up on a man on a young Asian man in a dark suit.)

RAMMEL

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the unveiling of the latest GoogiTech robot. Over the years, we have made many advances in the technology of lifelike robots designed to be useful as well as aesthetically pleasing. Allow me to introduce to you, Anna.2.

(There’s a shift in lights and we hear some electronic music kick in as we anticipate Anna’s appearance. Rammel apologetically scurries backstage to see what’s going on.)

RAMMEL

Women. Never on time, am I right? She’s coming, ladies and gentlemen. Look. Here she is, now.

(Anna.2, dressed in a sharp business outfit, enters. She walks very slowly in that Japanese robot way – erect posture, legs squatting a bit. She makes her way to center stage. Rammel cues the music to fade out. It does.)

RAMMEL

Anna. Welcome. Say hello to the people.

(Anna looks around slowly and mechanically.)

ANNA.2

Hello. I love you.

RAMMEL

Ahhh. Isn’t she sweet? Anna. Tell the people some of the things you can do.

ANNA.2

I can help around the house. I also dance and play the violin.

RAMMEL

Anna. Why don’t you show us that? I’m sure the people would love to see you dance and play violin. (He encourages the audience to applaud as he hands her a violin and bow.

ANNA.2

It would be my pleasure to do anything you ask me to do, Rammel.

(She begins to play something – obviously recorded – like Bond’s “Senorita.” Rammel gets swept up in this and begins to dance, poorly, with her, devolving into juking on her. Anna, in a similar business suit as Anna.2, steps up onto the stage. She holds out a remote, points it at Anna.2 and clicks it. Anna freezes and the music stops cold. Rammel jukes for a bit more and then comes out of it with great embarrassment.)

ANNA

Having a good time, Rammel?

RAMMEL

Anna! Um…

ANNA

How dare you unveil your prototype without letting me know.

RAMMEL

I sent out an e-mail blast to the whole company. Maybe you should check your junk folder.

ANNA

Maybe you should check your junk folder.

RAMMEL

Ladies and gentlemen of the press. This is Anna Fink. Head of research and development at GoogiTech. (He tries to get everyone to clap for her as Anna walks around Anna.2, checking her out.) Well, what do you think of Anna.2?

ANNA

You disgust me. I told you I wasn’t interested and this is what you do? That shameless grope at the holiday office party still feels like a greasy stain on my soul.

RAMMEL

For me, it was a stain on my heart. A good stain. Like when you stain furniture.

ANNA

I want her dismantled. And I want my violin back. (She tries to take it from Anna.2, who does not release her grip.) Make her let it go.

(Rammel presses a button on Anna.2’s back. She comes back on, but holds tightly to the violin.)

RAMMEL

Anna. Let the violin go.

ANNA.2

I dance and play the violin for Rammel.

ANNA

Not any more.

(The two Anna’s wrestle for it for a second as Bond’s “Explosive” kicks in. Rammel is very excited by the Anna on Anna.2 robot catfight. He starts juking to the music, again, this time on the real Anna. She kicks him off, grabs her remote and turns Anna off, again.)

ANNA

You’re fired.

RAMMEL

No, please. Can’t you see that I did it for you? It’s like a monument to your beauty. And power. Through her, your legacy at GoogiTech will live forever.

(Anna uses the remote to turn Anna.2 back on.)

ANNA

Anna. You dance and play violin and help around the house. Is there anything else you do?

ANNA.2

I also hold Rammel in my arms, as he lies naked in my lap drinking cinnamon schnapps and crying about how lonely he is. I also clean up the resulting spilled fluids.

ANNA

She gets dismantled. I get my violin back. And you walk out the front door escorted by a security guard by 5 o’clock. Sorry, folks. This press conference is over.

(Anna exits.)

RAMMEL

Sorry everybody. There are snacks in the lobby for you. Anna really is a great boss to work for. And Anna.2 is really such a breakthrough… oh, what’s the use?

(Anna.2 puts her arm around Rammel who starts to cry on her shoulder.)

ANNA.2

There, there. I understand. You are brave and handsome. Take off your clothes.

(Rammel looks around for a second and quickly starts to peel off his clothes as lights fade.)

Week 50, Day 345 - "iMiranda"

"iMiranda"

Written by Joe Janes

12/29/09

345 of 365

CAST:

Brian, 50s

Tom, 40s

Collins, 30s

(Lights up on, Brian, a plain clothes cop throwing a handcuffed Tom into a chair. Another cop, Collins, enters behind them and stands in the background.)

BRIAN

Sit down, Scum.

TOM

I want my lawyer!

BRIAN

All right. All right. We’ll give you your one phone call.

(Collins brings a phone over and puts it on the table as Brian uncuffs one of Tom’s hands and locks the cuff on the table.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

I don’t know my lawyer’s number.

COLLINS (pulling out iPhone)

I can google it for you.

BRIAN

Call information.

TOM

But then I’m making two phone calls.

BRIAN

Oh, that’s right.

COLLINS

Actually, information can also dial the number for you. Costs a little more, but it’s technically just one phone call.

BRIAN

There you go.

(Tom dials 411. He presses one for English.)

TOM

I don’t know why they make you press a number if you speak English. English should be the default, you know.

BRIAN

I know. You should press a button if you don’t want English.

COLLINS

There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. There are also 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first and second language ^and there are 6 million Spanish students, making the US the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina. Que pasa?

TOM

Chicago, Illinois… I got a computer.

(Collins starts to speak; Brian holds his hand up to him to not.)

TOM (continuing)

Yeah, I need the number to my lawyer… Peter Francis Geracie. Geracie. It’s, um, J-

COLLINS (looking at his iPhone)

G.

TOM

G…

COLLINS (Tom repeats one letter at a time)

E-R-A-C-I-E. I have the number, too.

TOM

Yeah. Go ahead and connect me… It’s ringing… Oh, crap, it’s voicemail. I have to push a button. Bankruptcy…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

Divorce…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

There’s no “assault on an asshole with a deadly weapon.”

COLLINS

Press “0.” It usually puts you straight through to the office on most systems.

(Tom presses zero.)

TOM

It’s ringing, again… Yes, hello… What?...Oh… Do what, now?... Where are you?... Really?... Okay, I’m listening…

(Brian looks at Collins who shrugs that he doesn’t know what’s going on.)

TOM

Okay, thank you… I hope you enjoy being in Indiana…Oh, India. (He hangs up.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

Apparently, he only sees clients who are Facebook fans. Can I use a computer?

BRIAN

What the hell is happening to this world? We can’t drag a computer in here.

COLLINS

You can use my iPhone-

TOM

Does reading me my rights still count?

COLLINS

-just as soon as I tweet you your rights.

(Blackout.)

Week 31, Day 214 - “Stop SHOUTING"

“Stop SHOUTING”
Written by Joe Janes
8/20/09
214 of 365

CAST

Mel, 20s

Julie, 20s

Cal, 40s

Evelyn, 60s

Viv, 30s

Bruno, 30s

(Lights up on a crowded El train. We see Mel getting on and sitting. Down the way and across the aisle from him in another seat is Julie with headphones on. Cal, a businessman, stands reading a newspaper. Evelyn, an older woman with a shopping bag sits next to her adult daughter, Viv. Bruno, in a red beret and white t-shirt, stands near the door. Mel sees Julie and texts something to her and sends it. Julie gets the text on her iPhone, reads it and smiles over at Mel. She sends something back. He reads it and smiles and sends something back to her. She reads it and texts something back to him. He looks offended.)

MEL

Hey. There’s no need to shout.

JULIE (taking off her headphones)

What?

MEL

There’s no need to shout!

JULIE

I didn’t shout. I texted you.

MEL

You used all caps. Shouting.

JULIE

Oh, no, I just really meant what I said. I wasn’t shouting.

MEL

All caps. Shouting?

CAL

Yep. Shouting.

MEL

All caps?

VIV

Shouting.

EVELYN (to Julie)

There’s no need to be so rude.

JULIE

I wasn’t shouting. If I wanted to shout, I would have used an exclamation point.

MEL

Punctuation. Great. Treat me like I’m stupid.

JULIE

All caps does not mean shouting. If I used all lowercase letters would I have been whispering?

MEL

Yes.

VIV

It’s more intimate.

EVELYN

Good for naughty talk.

BRUNO

Gotta watch the all caps, lady. I once sent out an all-office e-mail that was all caps. Didn’t even realize it. I had the “caps lock” button on. Upset a lot of people that day. Some of them went home crying. Ended up having to send out an apology e-mail. Still, got the cold shoulder from most everyone for weeks. Weeks. Ended up leaving because no one would talk to me.

(Julie starts texting, again. The train stops.)

MEL

Looks like I’m going to get an apology. (Julie hits the send button and walks off the train. He reads the e-mail.) Or at least a suggestion on where I can effectively store my Blackberry. It won’t fit there!... She knows that.

(He goes back to texting. BLACKOUT)