Week 52, Day 362 - "Born Again"

“Born Again”

Written by Joe Janes

1/15/10

352 of 365

Cast:

Eva, 20s

Louis, 20s

Jesus, 30s

(Lights up on Louis sitting in a coffee shop, sipping coffee. Eva enters with her coffee and sits at a nearby table. Louis watches her. She says a silent prayer before sipping her coffee.)

LOUIS

Eva?

(Eva looks around.)

LOUIS (continuing)

Eva Cutcher?

EVA

Louis?

LOUIS

Yes. It’s so good to see you.

(He gets up and approaches her. He wants to go in for a hug, she’s not sure to stand or not. She stands, but makes sure there’s a lot of distance between their torsos as they hug. He sits down at her table.)

LOUIS (continuing)

You look great.

EVA

Thanks. So do you.

LOUIS

I haven’t seen you in years. Look, I’m really sorry about how things ended between us. I always thought you were a really great person.

EVA

That’s nice of you to say.

LOUIS

So, what have you been doing with your self?

EVA

I work as a legal assistant.

LOUIS

Great. You wanted to do that.

EVA

Just bought a condo.

LOUIS

Well, dig you.

EVA

And I’m a born again Christian.

LOUIS

That’s new. You know, this is crazy, but I was just thinking about you. Do you ever think about me?

EVA

Oh, yes. In fact, I pray for you. Every day.

LOUIS

Oh. That’s thoughtful, but I don’t think God really hears prayers.

EVA

I pray to Jesus about you.

LOUIS

I’m Jewish.

EVA

I pray for you to burn in hell.

LOUIS

Are you allowed to do that?

EVA
My prayers. Before you go to hell, I pray that you experience some horrible, horrible things. Disfigurement. Homelessness. Leprosy.

LOUIS

Why would you do such a thing?

EVA

You’re a horrible person, Louis Goldman. You’re a liar. An infidel.

LOUIS

I’m not as bad as I used to be. I’ve gotten better. Can’t you pray for me to keep becoming a better person?

EVA

I’d rather pray God smite you. It fills my heart with joy.

LOUIS

Okay. Well, if you ever think you might be able to forgive me-

EVA

I tried.

LOUIS

And-

EVA

I’m praying your eyes bulge out as your throat closes up from being attacked by venomous vipers. Praise the Lord.

LOUIS (standing)

I’m going to go, now.

EVA (standing)

I’m late for the prayer group I lead. Today we’re going to spend the entire hour praying Jesus comes into your life and kicks you in the balls.

(She exits.)

LOUIS

I left you because you were crazy! Man, I can’t believe I was actually missing her. (Louis turns to leave and a bearded man looking like Jesus enters.) Jesus?

JESUS

My son.

LOUIS

Did you hear all those nasty things Eva was saying about me?

JESUS

Yes. I did. (Jesus puts his hands on Louis’s shoulders.) Have patience. She knows not what she says. She is full of sadness and pain. Her heart will heal. All you need to do is pray for her. I will hear your prayers.

LOUIS

Really?

(Jesus knees Louis in the groin.)

JESUS

Just kidding.

(Blackout)

Week 51, Day 357 - "Smooth Sailing"

“Smooth Sailing”

Written by Joe Janes

1/10/10

357 of 356

Cast:

Gretchen, 20s

Tyler, 20s

Steffen, 20s

Crew Member, 50s

(Lights up on the stylishly and sportily dressed Tyler and Gretchen in the worlds smallest sailboat. Gretchen is at the bow and Tyler is at the stern operating the rudder and controlling the main sail. )

TYLER

Duck.

(Gretchen ducks as Tyler repositions the sail.)

GRETCHEN

Such a lovely day.

TYLER

Yes, it is, Gretchen. The weather is cooperating nicely. A wonderful opportunity to show you what the “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” can really do on the open sea.

GRETCHEN

It’s Lake Erie.

TYLER

Duck.

(She ducks as the sail shifts over her.)

GRETCHEN

Did you spell pi p-i for some mathematical reason?

TYLER (looking at the bow of his boat)

No. I ran out of room for the “e.”

GRETCHEN (waving)

Oh, look, there’s Steffen and his yacht.

TYLER

Humpf. A real sailor would actually sail his own boat. Not shout commands to a crew from the safety of his steering wheel while sipping a mojito. Wake!

(For a few moments, their boat rocks dramatically until it settles.)

GRETCHEN

I think I might be sick.

TYLER

Take deep breaths. And aim for the water.

GRETCHEN

I have to. There’s not enough room in here for my vomit.

(She takes deep breaths.)

TYLER

Feel better, Love?

GRETCHEN

Yes. I feel better. Tyler, when you told me you had a boat, I thought you meant something else.

TYLER

Something else? This is a boat.

GRETCHEN

I thought it was a dinghy. But it isn’t, is it? This is your boat.

TYLER

Why, yes, Gretchen. I inherited this vessel from my father who got it from his father. “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” is a family treasure.

GRETCHEN

When you said you had a boat, I thought you meant a yacht, like Steffen’s.

TYLER

Oh, I see. You’re disappointed.

GRETCHEN

A little. I wanted to lie out on the deck in the sun.

TYLER

You can still lie out.

GRETCHEN

I would have to straddle the mast and hook my ankles over your shoulders.

TYLER

I am all right with that.

GRETCHEN

Could we just head back to shore? I’m not feeling so well.

TYLER

Fine. Sure thing. Duck.

(She ducks.)

GRETCHEN

We’re not turning.

TYLER

Gretchen, this is a sailing ship. She takes time. She’s in a dance with the wind and my commands. She’ll turn when she’s ready. Oh, crap, here comes Steffen, again. Wake.

(The boat rocks dramatically as Steffen, in a much larger boat, pulls up along side Tyler boat.)

STEFFEN

Ahoy! Are you two lovebirds in distress?

TYLER

No, Steffen, we’re not in distress.

STEFFEN

Oh. I just assumed your ship sank and this was some kind of life preserver.

TYLER

Well, it isn’t. This is “Tyler’s Piece of Pi.” My sailboat.

(Steffen laughs.)

STEFFEN

You had me going. Seriously, come on board and we’ll take you to shore.

GRETCHEN

We should go, Tyler. It will take us forever to get back in this thing.

TYLER

A captain does not abandon his ship.

STEFFEN

Bring it with you, then. There’s plenty of room. Or let us throw you a line and we can tow you in. Here you go, Gretchen!

(Steffen snaps his fingers and a crewmember tosses her a line. She grabs it and wraps it around a hook in the bow of the boat.)

GRETCHEN

Thanks, Steffen.

STEFFEN

No problem, Sugar Buns. See you back at shore.

(Steffen and his large boat pull away. The rope tightens as they feel the pull of the boat. She and Tyler are now being pulled. Tyler takes down the sail.)

TYLER

Well, this is completely and utterly humiliating.

GRETCHEN

It wouldn’t be so humiliating if you had a bigger boat.

TYLER

I have what I have, Gretchen. If it’s not good enough for you-

GRETCHEN

It’s not.

TYLER

Then you can just- it’s not?

GRETCHEN

No. It’s not. You’re not. Look, Tyler, I gave it a shot. I don’t see this working out at all. If you want someone who will be happy with you, find someone who is one – smaller and two- more easily impressed.

TYLER

Oh. You’d rather be with Steffen.

GRETCHEN

Steffen’s a douche, but I like his boat. I’m willing to make compromises.

TYLER

You know, you’re not such a great catch, either Gretchen. You’re shallow and wear too many smelly products. It’s like a Mary Kaye suicide bomber exploded in your jumper.

GRETCHEN

I’ll be out of your mullet soon enough.

TYLER

I can’t wait. If you want a ride on Steffen’s boat, you’ll have to swim after it.

(Tyler cuts the rope.)

GRETCHEN

Dammit, Tyler. (She jumps overboard and swims off.) Steffen! Steffen!

(Tyler walks forward and addresses the audience.)

TYLER

I shouldn’t have doe that. No matter how I felt. It was an unsafe thing to do.

(Steffen walks out and addresses the audience.)

STEFFEN

Gretchen never made it to my boat.

TYLER

She was swallowed by a whale.

STEFFEN

In Lake Erie.

TYLER

A rare fresh water whale.

STEFFEN

Which also ate Tyler’s boat.

TYLER

But not me. I jumped out in time and caught a lift from Steffen.

(They hold hands. Lights go down on them and up on Gretchen inside the boat inside the whale’s stomach.)

GRETCHEN

This whale is way too small.

(Blackout.)

Week 51, Day 356 - "Rate of Decay"

“Rate of Decay”

Written by Joe Janes

1/9/10

356 of 365

Cast:

Man, 30s

Woman, 30s

(Lights up on a man and woman standing downstage, seeming to be looking if full length mirrors. They are checking out how they look. It starts with adjusting bits of their clothing and moves to inspecting things like love handles, eye bags, jowls, etc.)

MAN

I think I’m getting older.

WOMAN

You look great. I’m the one getting older.

MAN

You look great. What’s age anyway?

WOMAN

Just a number. You’re only as old as you feel,

MAN

Shouldn’t worry about getting older. Life begins at forty.

WOMAN

That’s what all the old people tell me.

MAN

We really shouldn’t worry about it.

WOMAN

Worrying about it will only make us older.

MAN

Hey, looks go out to dinner.

WOMAN

It’s only four o’clock.

MAN

I know, but I’m hungry.

WOMAN

Me, too. Oh, and they have a two-for-one early bird special at Vinnie’s Italiano.

(They look at each other with great concern, they turn to the mirrors and look at them once more, they look back at each other.)

MAN

I can’t pass up a deal like that.

WOMAN

I’ll go put on my fat pants.

(Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 343 - "Phantom Booger"

“Phantom Booger”

Written by Joe Janes

12/27/09

343 of 365

Cast:

Joe, 20s

Tina, 20s

(Lights up on Joe and Tina, an attractive young couple, walking through a park near the lake at night near a bench.)

JOE

Wow, this lake is really beautiful at night.

TINA

Yeah. It’s nice.

JOE

Let’s sit down and enjoy the view.

TINA

Okay.

(Joe sits. Tina sits, but not near him. Joe scoots over.)

JOE

Lovely night. Warm breeze. Lots of stars and a full moon. (Tina starts scratching her nose as Joe puts his arm around her.) Couldn’t ask for a more perfect –

TINA

Oh, I hate this.

JOE

Sorry, what?

(She starts pinching her nose. She grabs his shoulders.)

TINA

Look at me.

JOE (going in for a kiss)

Finally.

TINA

Do you see a booger?

JOE

Uh-

TINA

Look way up in there, Joe. Check for boogers.

JOE

I don’t see any-

TINA

Use your keychain light.

(Joe takes out his keys and looks up her nose with a little light.)

JOE

Clean as a whistle.

TINA

Are you sure? Did you look all the way in?

JOE

If I looked any further in, I’d see your brain.

TINA

Dammit. You ever get one of those?

JOE

One of those what, my love?

TINA

A phantom booger. You feel it. It feels like a rope sticking out of your nostril and you feel like everyone can see it, but there’s nothing there.

JOE

Yeah. I guess I’ve had one of those before at one time or another. Tina, I-

TINA

That’s what I like about you, Joe. You get me.

JOE

Yeah. I get you. There’s something I need-

TINA

Like that time I sharted and you knew exactly what I meant. You were a real gentleman, lending me your coat, like that. Oh, I still owe you for the dry cleaners.

JOE

Don’t worry about it. Glad I could help a damsel in distress. Tina-

TINA

Yes, Joe?

JOE

Don’t you think this evening is romantic?

TINA

Um, sure.

JOE

Talking about bodily functions kind of works against the mood, don’t you think?

TINA

Oh, I’m sorry. I just always say what’s on my mind and what’s going on.

JOE

Which I like. But you never seem to realize when things are romantic. Like the time at that nice restaurant when you burped and threw up a little-

TINA

I shouldn’t have ordered the fois gras. It always does that.

JOE

It was Charlie Trotter’s. We waited two months for our reservation.

TINA

I appreciate it.

JOE

But you don’t show it. Like the time I brought you chocolates.

TINA

I showed my appreciation. I ate them.

JOE

Yes, you did. All of them. While I watched.

TINA

I offered you one.

JOE

And then I waited an hour for you to come out of the bathroom.

TINA

Hey, I tried to keep the conversation going. You’re the one who didn’t want to talk through the door while I dropped bowling pins.

JOE

What I want, Tina, especially in a place like this, is a kiss. A slow kiss. I want to hold your hands as I look into your eyes.

TINA

You tried that earlier. That’s when I first thought I had a booger. I thought you were staring at it.

JOE

You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.

TINA

Sure, I do.

JOE

No, you don’t. You never get me anything just because. I never catch you stealing glances at me.

TINA

Why would I steal glances, you’re right there?

JOE

You never try to kiss me or touch me. You don’t do any of the things I do. Like writing poetry.

TINA

You write poetry?

JOE

Yes, Tina. I wrote a poem about you and recited it to you last night at the bar. “I love how the light hits upon your hairs, my heart is picky and for you it only cares.” All you did was make gagging sounds.

TINA

Oh, that was a poem. I thought you were trying to rap. I wasn’t gagging, I was beat boxing.

JOE (getting up)

Maybe this isn’t going to work out.

TINA

No, Joe. No. We can work this out. I’ll try to be more romantic. Give me another chance.

JOE

The fact that you have to try to be romantic is enough to tell me that we’re probably not meant for each other. Good-bye, Tina.

(He starts to walk off. She stands on the bench.)

TINA

A love poem! By Tina Elise Costello. (Joe stops.) My heart belongs to a boy named Joe/ A guy named Cupid, his arrow he did throw/ Although my heart is full of love it can be a little dumb/ It wishes only for Joe’s love even if it’s just a crumb/ (Joe moves closer to her) His love is always with me and coats me warm with sugar (Joe stands on the bench with her and holds her hands as he looks at her)/ Even when he’s not near, I feel him like a phantom booger.

(They kiss. Tina coughs up something. Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 335 - "A Signing From God"

“A Signing From God”

Written by Joe Janes

12/19/09

335 of 365

Cast

Rev. Arnold, 50s

Thea, 50s

Wally, 60s

(Lights up on the alter of a Unity Church. Rev Arnold is singing along with the rest of the congregation. Thea stands to the side signing the lyrics.)

REV. ARNOLD AND THEA (singing)

-And the Lord loves us all

Regardless of religion

Wants us all to get along

Even just a smidgen

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

REV. ARNOLD (speaking)

Please be seated. I want to thank everyone for all the cards and letters and many, many dishes of tuna noodle casserole. Many of you have expressed your sadness at my wife Estelle’s mysterious and sudden disappearance a month ago. Your support and love has helped me through a very difficult time. Many of you have suggested, with good intentions, that I take time off. Allow myself to grieve and heal. I even booked a trip to Italy. However, after some prayer and meditation, and a warning from the police not to leave town, I reconsidered. The greatest way I know to mend my heart is through your love. And while I hope and pray for Estelle’s safe return after our winter camping trip in the mountains of Montana, I believe that God has a plan. For me. And for Thea.

THEA (Stops signing)

What?

REV. ARNOLD

Thea. I believe it was God’s plan to remove the obstacle that was Estelle out of the way of our unspoken, unacknowledged passion.

(Wally, a deaf man in the front row, starts waving his hands.)

WALLY

What is he saying?

THEA (signing)

He’s saying he’s glad Estelle is gone and that he wants me!

REV. ARNOLD

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thea, that’s not what I’m saying at all. (He walks close to her and holds her hands.) I loved Estelle-

THEA

Loved? She’s only been missing a month.

REV. ARNOLD

Love, loved. Let’s not argue about God’s plan for us.

THEA

How do you know this is God’s plan?

WALLY

Let her speak!

(Thea breaks holding hands with Rev. Arnold.)

THEA

I don’t see how I could possibly be a part of God’s plan for you, Rev. Arnold.

REV. ARNOLD

After Estelle didn’t return to the tent after leaving to go to the bathroom in sub-zero degree temperatures, I prayed. I prayed to the Lord for a vision. The vision I had was of you, Thea. You were floating above me like an angel. Wings spread, halo glowing, flowing pure whites robes that the wind, like the breath of God, tore away as you descended down upon me, naked. We began kissing. Freddy Mercury and Queen rose from the earth and played “We Are The Champions” as Penelope Cruz removed my clothes and Selma Hayek licked my back. You grew four more arms and put them in every conceivable nook and cranny of my body. It was…heaven.

WALLY

Were you praying or pulling your pud?

REV. ARNOLD (signing, sort of)

Don’t sully the will of the Lord in his house, Wally. I love this woman.

WALLY

Doesn’t answer the question!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

While I am passionate about the Lord, no pud was pulled.

WALLY

The Lord is my Viagra!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

It was in this vision that I realized, Thea, that I loved you. Every Sunday, you volunteer your time to sign my sermons. I noticed over the years that I would even put in certain words just to see you interpret them. Words like love, wish, and underwear.

THEA

Rev. Arnold, I love your sermons. They have meant so much to me. What if Estelle is found and comes back?

REV. ARNOLD

Estelle’s fate is in God’s hands. And under twenty feet of snow in a crevasse. (Pause) Or so the lord may or may not have told me in a non-sexual holy vision.

(Thea and Rev. Arnold are about to kiss. The tension mounts and is interrupted by…)

WALLY

Tell us more about the Lord’s underwear!

(Blackout)

Week 48, Day 332 - "A Christmas Story"

“A Christmas Story”

Written by Joe Janes

12/16/09

332 of 365

Cast

Alan, 50s

Cheryl, 50s

Ron, 20s,

Gene, 30s

Alice, 30s

(Lights up on Alan and Cheryl’s living room. Alan and Cheryl sit on the sofa, Ron is slumped down in a chair. They are watching the movie “A Christmas Story.”)

GENE (off)

Ho, ho, ho!

CHERYL

Oh, Gene’s here.

(Gene and Alice enter. Cheryl gets up and greets them.)

ALAN (getting up)

Oh!

GENE

Hi, Mom. Dad.

CHERYL

You look so tall.

GENE

I have no idea why. Pretty sure I stopped growing upwards a decade or so ago.

CHERYL

Well, you look taller.

ALAN

Leave the boy alone. You must be Alice.

ALICE

Hi.

ALAN

Come in, come in. Have a seat.

CHERYL

You must be tired after such a long drive.

GENE

We flew in.

CHERYL

Oh, that’s nice.

(Alan, Cheryl and Alice have a seat on the sofa. Gene remains standing. There’s no room for him to sit. Cheryl and Alan resume watching TV. Ron has never stopped.)

ALICE

“A Christmas Story.” I love that movie.

ALAN

So, do we.

CHERYL

We watch it every year.

GENE

Is that the DVD I got you last year?

ALAN

Naw. It’s the TV.

(Everyone stares at the TV for a moment. Alice looks over to Gene with a look of concern.)

GENE

That is my brother Ron.

ALICE

Hi, Ron.

(Ron grunts.)

GENE

How’s the job hunt?

(Ron grunts, again.)

CHERYL

Oh, it’s tough out there.

ALAN

Tough in here. Especially when I need the bathroom or find the last beer gone.

CHERYL

Oh, Alan.

ALAN

Oh, Cheryl.

CHERYL

He’s trying.

ALAN

That he is.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)

ALICE

I’ve heard so much about you two.

ALAN

Good things, I hope.

ALICE

Very good.

CHERYL

Oh, that’s nice.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped.)

GENE

Hey, looks like the movie’s over. You guys want to go get some pizza or-

ALAN

It’s starting, again.

CHERYL (to Alice)

They show it over and over for 24 hours.

ALICE

How long have you been watching?

CHERYL

Since breakfast.

(Everyone starts watching the television, again. Ron has never stopped. Gene picks up the remote from the coffee table and turns the television off. Everyone looks at him stunned.)

RON

That was rude.

GENE

I only see you guys once a year. This time, I brought a girl. One I really, really like. It would be nice if she got to know my family better than the television.

(Everyone is silent. Alan looks at his watch.)

ALAN

Did you want to watch something else?

CHERYL

Did you want to watch your DVD?

GENE

No. I want to visit.

CHERYL

Okay, dear. We’ll visit.

ALAN

Sure.

CHERYL

Gosh, you sure are pretty.

ALICE

Thanks.

ALAN

Better looking than the last one he brought home. The lesbian.

GENE

She wasn’t a lesbian. She was a vegetarian.

ALAN

Six of one-

CHERYL

Are you a vegetarian? Because I don’t think we have anything you can eat.

ALICE

I’m not a vegetarian.

ALAN

What’s wrong with you, then?

GENE

Dad, nothing’s wrong with her. She’s great.

ALAN

Just pulling your chain, Son.

GENE

Chain pulled, Dad. Thanks.

(Everyone stares at the television, again, even though nothing’s on. Ron has never stopped.)

GENE (continuing)

Hey, how about this? Let’s get out of this room.

ALAN

What’s wrong with this room? I like this room.

GENE

Let’s go sit around the dinner table.

ALICE (getting up)

That sounds like a great idea.

CHERYL (getting up)

I’ll have to dust it off and move the magazines.

ALICE

Do you have any coffee? We could drink some coffee and chat.

CHERYL

I do have coffee. Can you drink that with your diet? (Alice nods.)

(Alice and Cheryl exit.)

GENE

Come on, Dad. Let’s go get caught up.

ALAN (getting up)

Oh! Guess I could use a cup of Joe.

GENE

It’s good to see you, Dad.

ALAN

Yah, yah, yah.

(They exit. Ron stays seated. Still looking at the TV, but looking silently angry. Cheryl comes back out and turns on the television.)

RON

Thank you.

(Cheryl kisses him on the head and exits. Ron grunts. Lights fade.)