Written by Joe Janes
9/23/09
248 of 365
CAST
Pat, 50s
Mona, 50s
Carl, 50s
Belinda, 50s
(Lights up on Mona and Pat driving home at night. Pat is driving. Mona looks out the window. They are quiet. They are listening to a CD of Barbra Streisand’s Greatest Hits. Nothing going on but driving and Barbra. Suddenly the music stops cold. Pat looks at the CD player. He starts punching it.)
PAT
God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.
MONA
Easy, Pat. You got it.
PAT
Got what?
MONA
You taught it a thing or two. Leave it alone.
PAT
Piece of crap CD player.
MONA
Try the radio.
(Pat turns on the radio. All we hear is static. He tries to find a station. All we hear is static, static, static, BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC, static, static, static, static, static, static, more BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC. He shuts it off.)
PAT
God fucking damn.
(They drive in silence for a moment.)
MONA
The party was nice.
PAT
Yeah. It was. 30th Anniversary, you think Carl and Belinda would spring for something better than a sheet cake from the grocery store.
MONA
The roast was good.
PAT
The roast was good. That Belinda knows how to stick it to meat. Where were you when I won the Jenga tournament?
MONA
Oh, uh, Carl was giving some of us a tour of their new basement.
(Mona looks out the window and quickly moves to stage right where Carl is banging her on top of a washing machine. They are both making hushed upper middle-age animal noises as Carl climaxes. He, exhaustedly backs away from her, putting himself together. She does the same, straightening out her dress.)
MONA
Happy anniversary, Carl.
CARL
Thanks, Mona. That was better than that shitty sheet cake.
MONA
Hope we didn’t dent your washing machine.
CARL
I wouldn’t worry about that piece of crap. I’m getting a new one next week. You’ll need to come back over and help me break it in.
MONA
As soon as this extra crease in my ass smoothes out.
CARL
Oh, shoot. Mona. I didn’t use any protection.
MONA
I don’t think you should worry about it. I never took off my girdle.
(Mona quickly moves back to the car and Carl exits.)
PAT
Was it good?
MONA
What?
PAT
The new basement.
MONA
It was okay.
PAT
Better than ours?
MONA
It was okay. Sorry I missed the Jenga tournament. What did the winner get?
(Pat quickly moves to stage right and starts groping and grinding against Belinda who stands rather stoically eating cake.)
PAT
Oh, Belinda. Belinda. Mona never lets me do this.
BELINDA
Do what, exactly?
PAT
This. This thing I’m doing. She never lets me do just this.
BELINDA
Doesn’t seem like you need much of a return volley in this game. Try doing it while she’s asleep.
PAT
She wakes up.
(Pat steps away from her and climaxes without touching himself.)
PAT (continuing)
Oh, God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.
(He goes back to holding her.)
PAT (continuing)
Was it good for you?
BELINDA
Unbelievable.
PAT
I thought so, too.
(Pat quickly returns to the car as Belinda exits.)
PAT (continuing)
What?
MONA
What’d the winner get?
PAT
Oh. Just, um, bragging rights. “I won.”
MONA
Yay.
(They go back to driving in silence.)
MONA (continuing)
Thirty years.
PAT
Long time.
MONA
Let’s see, if Phillip and I hadn’t divorced, heck, we’d still only be at twenty years.
PAT
My two previous wives combined don’t amount to twenty years, let alone thirty.
MONA
Wonder what their secret is?
PAT
What secret?
MONA
For being together thirty years.
PAT
Oh, right. Guess they just really love each other.
MONA
Guess so. Think we’ll make it to thirty?
PAT
Oh, hell, yes.
MONA
Me, too.
(She moves over and puts her head on his shoulder. They drive in silence for another moment. She smacks the CD player and it starts playing Barbra Streisand from where it left off. They both look surprised and laugh about it. Lights fade.)
