Week 38, Day 260 - "Just In Case"

“Just In Case”

Written by Joe Janes

10/5/09

260 of 365

CAST:

Malory, 30s

Mike, 30s

(Lights up on Malory sitting in her living room with her eyes closed.)

MIKE (offstage)

Keep your eyes closed, honey.

MALORIE

They’re closed. Hurry, the suspense is killing me!

(Mike enters carrying an axe that has been wrapped in tin foil and has a bow on it.)

MIKE

Here I come.

(He sneaks up next to her and holds the axe out in front of her, presenting it to her.)

MIKE (continuing)

Happy Anniversary, Malory Finklestein.

(She opens her eyes and squeals and then looks confused.)

MALORIE

Happy Anniversary, Michael Finklestein. It’s an axe.

MIKE

Hey, you’re supposed to open it first.

MALORIE

Pretty sure it’s an axe.

MIKE

Don’t you want to unwrap it?

MALORIE

I’m sure if I needed to, I could use it without unwrapping it. (She looks at it some more.) Are you taking me camping and we have to build our own log cabin?

MIKE

No, silly. To be used around the house. If we ever need it. Hopefully, we’ll never need it.

MALORIE

This is not what I expected at all.

MIKE

It’s kind of a tradition in my family.

MALORIE

To give axes for first anniversary presents? What’s second year, chain saws?

MIKE

It’s for security. (He sets the axe down and kneels down next to Malory, holding her hand.) Malory, I want you to know, that I love you. And I will always do whatever needs to be done out of my love for you. Even if it means burying this axe into your head to destroy your brain should you ever become a zombie.

MALORIE

That’s sweet, Mike. Up until the zombie part. Actually, just before. The destroying my brain part by inserting this axe into my head. Sweet up till then.

MIKE

And I would expect you to do the same for me.

MALORIE

But only if you become a zombie, right?

MIKE

Or a vampire. But you would also need to put a stake in my heart and use the axe to remove my head. There are stakes in a shoebox on the high shelf in the hall closet. I was going to wait until your birthday to give you those.

MALORIE

On Buffy, it’s just a quick jab and the vampires disintegrate.

MIKE

Honey, that’s just a TV show.

MALORIE

You’re serious about all this.

MIKE

As serious as I could ever be. My great great grandmother, Josephina Finklestein, came back from the dead and my great great grandfather, Gilbert Finklestein, didn’t have the heart to take her down with a blow to the head. She ate him. Would have taken over the whole town if my great grandmother, Blanche Finklestein, hadn’t picked up an axe and started chopping off the heads of the living dead.

MALORIE

How do you know your Blanche Finklestein wasn’t just an axe-wielding serial killer?

MIIKE

That’s what the police said when they locked her up in the insane asylum. But he rest of my family knew better. And we’ve always taken this precaution with our loved ones.

MALORIE

Tell you what. Let’s put this away in the closet with the wooden stakes. It’s there if we ever need it. (She takes the axe and walks off stage to put it in the closet. From offstage we hear…) Oh, Mike! This is beautiful. (She walks back in holding silver candlesticks.) These candlesticks are beautiful. You are such a practical joker. You really had me going. These are the best anniversary gift ever. (She hugs him)

MIKE

Um, those are for making silver bullets.

(Blackout)

Week 36, Day 248 - "Oblique Oblige"

“Oblique Oblige”

Written by Joe Janes

9/23/09

248 of 365

CAST

Pat, 50s

Mona, 50s

Carl, 50s

Belinda, 50s

(Lights up on Mona and Pat driving home at night. Pat is driving. Mona looks out the window. They are quiet. They are listening to a CD of Barbra Streisand’s Greatest Hits. Nothing going on but driving and Barbra. Suddenly the music stops cold. Pat looks at the CD player. He starts punching it.)

PAT

God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.

MONA

Easy, Pat. You got it.

PAT

Got what?

MONA

You taught it a thing or two. Leave it alone.

PAT

Piece of crap CD player.

MONA

Try the radio.

(Pat turns on the radio. All we hear is static. He tries to find a station. All we hear is static, static, static, BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC, static, static, static, static, static, static, more BLARING MEXICAN MUSIC. He shuts it off.)

PAT

God fucking damn.

(They drive in silence for a moment.)

MONA

The party was nice.

PAT

Yeah. It was. 30^th Anniversary, you think Carl and Belinda would spring for something better than a sheet cake from the grocery store.

MONA

The roast was good.

PAT

The roast was good. That Belinda knows how to stick it to meat. Where were you when I won the Jenga tournament?

MONA

Oh, uh, Carl was giving some of us a tour of their new basement.

(Mona looks out the window and quickly moves to stage right where Carl is banging her on top of a washing machine. They are both making hushed upper middle-age animal noises as Carl climaxes. He, exhaustedly backs away from her, putting himself together. She does the same, straightening out her dress.)

MONA

Happy anniversary, Carl.

CARL

Thanks, Mona. That was better than that shitty sheet cake.

MONA

Hope we didn’t dent your washing machine.

CARL

I wouldn’t worry about that piece of crap. I’m getting a new one next week. You’ll need to come back over and help me break it in.

MONA

As soon as this extra crease in my ass smoothes out.

CARL

Oh, shoot. Mona. I didn’t use any protection.

MONA

I don’t think you should worry about it. I never took off my girdle.

(Mona quickly moves back to the car and Carl exits.)

PAT

Was it good?

MONA

What?

PAT

The new basement.

MONA

It was okay.

PAT

Better than ours?

MONA

It was okay. Sorry I missed the Jenga tournament. What did the winner get?

(Pat quickly moves to stage right and starts groping and grinding against Belinda who stands rather stoically eating cake.)

PAT

Oh, Belinda. Belinda. Mona never lets me do this.

BELINDA

Do what, exactly?

PAT

This. This thing I’m doing. She never lets me do just this.

BELINDA

Doesn’t seem like you need much of a return volley in this game. Try doing it while she’s asleep.

PAT

She wakes up.

(Pat steps away from her and climaxes without touching himself.)

PAT (continuing)

Oh, God damn, Goddamn, God fucking damn.

(He goes back to holding her.)

PAT (continuing)

Was it good for you?

BELINDA

Unbelievable.

PAT

I thought so, too.

(Pat quickly returns to the car as Belinda exits.)

PAT (continuing)

What?

MONA

What’d the winner get?

PAT

Oh. Just, um, bragging rights. “I won.”

MONA

Yay.

(They go back to driving in silence.)

MONA (continuing)

Thirty years.

PAT

Long time.

MONA

Let’s see, if Phillip and I hadn’t divorced, heck, we’d still only be at twenty years.

PAT

My two previous wives combined don’t amount to twenty years, let alone thirty.

MONA

Wonder what their secret is?

PAT

What secret?

MONA

For being together thirty years.

PAT

Oh, right. Guess they just really love each other.

MONA

Guess so. Think we’ll make it to thirty?

PAT

Oh, hell, yes.

MONA

Me, too.

(She moves over and puts her head on his shoulder. They drive in silence for another moment. She smacks the CD player and it starts playing Barbra Streisand from where it left off. They both look surprised and laugh about it. Lights fade.)