“Our Man In Accounting” Written by Joe Janes
1/7/10
354 of 365
Cast:
Garin, 20s
Becky, 30s
Jeremy, 20s
Chrissy, 20s
J. Ben, 20s
Mr. Day, 40s
(Lights up on four office chairs. Garin sits at one upstage right; Becky sits at another downstage left. She is working at her computer. Garin is not. He is keeping an eye on Becky. J. Ben is in the back, downstage left, sorting envelopes into files and folders.)
GARIN
Psssst.
(Becky hears him, but doesn’t look. This has happened before.)
GARIN (continuing)
Psssst….Becky.
BECKY (without looking)
You don’t have to do that.
GARIN
Do what?
BECKY
Make that “psssst” sound. We’re the only two here.
GARIN
J. Ben is here.
BECKY
So? He’s just a temp.
J. BEN
I’m really a rapper.
BECKY
You could just say, “Hey, Becky.”
GARIN
Hey, Becky.
BECKY
What?
GARIN
Jeremy has been in Mr. Day’s office for over an hour. Did you hear the rumor going around?
BECKY
Everyone’s heard about Jeremy, Garin.
GARIN
Everyone?
BECKY
J. Ben?
J. BEN
I knew. Uh, (sort of rapping) Like a chunk of news falling down from the sky, I knew Jeremy was getting pink slipped in the … (He makes a face, obviously frustrated, he looks like he’s going to try again, but gives up and goes back to sorting.)
GARIN
How long have you known?
BECKY
Weeks.
GARIN
Really?... Me, too. Saw it coming.
(Jeremy enters, despondent, and takes a seat at his desk upstage left. He has a stapler sticking out of his coat or shirt pocket.)
JEREMY
I have an announcement!
BECKY
There’s only the two of us, here.
JEREMY (standing)
Oh. I see. Well, there’s something I need to tell you. I would appreciate it if you would pass it along to everyone else.
GARIN
Sure thing, Buddy.
JEREMY
Today is my last day.
BECKY
That’s so horrible, Jeremy. And so sudden.
GARIN
You said you knew.
(Chrissy enters with a Diet Coke.)
BECKY
I didn’t, I thought maybe, but I didn’t-
JEREMY
I was so careful. I can’t believe you saw through my cover.
CHRISSY
Knew what?
JEREMY
You may as well hear this, too, Chrissy.
GARIN
Jeremy got fired.
CHRISSY
Duh?
JEREMY
Fired? I did not get fired. Is that what you think? (beat) That may be the cover story, so, if anyone outside this room asks, then, yes, I got fired.
CHRISSY (sitting at her desk.)
You mean you didn’t get canned? I heard you got canned. I want your stapler. Mine sucks.
JEREMY
You may not have my stapler. (He takes it out of his pocket.) It’s government spyware. I use it to take photographs of secret documents. (He points it at Chrissy and “clicks” it.)
CHRISSY (covering her face)
No. I’m not ready.
JEREMY
And I record phone conversations with my Post-It Note dispenser.
GARIN
Explains why you’re so protective of your stuff.
CHRISSY
Your stapler doesn’t staple? I don’t want it, then.
BECKY
Jeremy, I think you’re just upset.
JEREMY
Upset. Becky, I am a spy. I don’t have emotions. I’m a cold-hearted killer. A CIA operative under deep, deep cover. I have just been called in from the cold. I was never here. I’m not here right now.
GARIN
But-
JEREMY
I’m not here.
CHRISSY
We can see you.
J. BEN
Jeremy told the world he was a spy, something… something… lie. (J. Ben looks satisfied at his ability to bust a rhyme.) Someday I will buy my moms a mansion. (He goes back to sorting.)
GARIN
You’re a spy?
JEREMY
That’s right.
GARIN
Hey, everybody. I’m Walker, Texas Ranger.
CHRISSY
You’re not Chuck Norris.
GARIN
That’s right, Chrissy. Chuck Norris is an actor. He portrayed me on television.
CHRISSY
That makes more sense.
J. BEN
I have a loaded gun in my underwear.
BECKY
Is that a metaphor?
J. BEN (Obviously confused by the question)
All I know is it’s real. It gives me edge.
CHRISSY
I’m pretty!
(Awkward pause.)
JEREMY
Any way. I have worked here, undercover, for eight years. As a matter of national security. But in that time, you people have become like family to me.
GARIN
We hardly know you.
JEREMY
Just like family. I felt I owed you the truth. Garin, you’ve always been like a son to me.
GARIN
I think I’m older than you.
JEREMY
Chrissy, you’re like the stepdaughter I never had and always lusted after.
CHRISSY
That’s so sweet.
JEREMY
And Becky, I’ve always regarded you like a second wife.
BECKY
Divorced or Mormon?
JEREMY
Both. Either. And J. Ben’s like the son I never wanted or acknowledged.
(Mr. Day enters.)
MR. DAY
And what about me, Jeremy?
JEREMY
Mr. Day. I guess you’re like my, my-
MR. DAY
Employer who told you to leave the premises immediately?
JEREMY
Yes, Sir.
MR. DAY
Before I call security.
JEREMY
I was just going to pack my stuff.
MR. DAY
We’ll have that guy (points to J. Ben) do it and ship it to you.
JEREMY
Okay. Well, then. Everyone. It has been nice working with you.
(Jeremy starts to leave. He tries to hug a sitting Becky.)
BECKY
Get off me.
JEREMY
Just like a second wife. Good-bye.
MR. DAY
Good-bye, Jeremy.
(Jeremy hands the stapler to J. Ben and walks off. J. Ben starts to clear out Jeremy’s desk.)
J. BEN
There goes Jeremy, he just lost his job, he says he’s a spy but he’s just a slob. (Pleased with himself) Hey!...Hey!
(Everyone goes back to work. Mr. Day takes the stapler out of J. Ben’s hand.)
MR. DAY
I’ll take that.
(Mr. Day takes the stapler and quickly sneaks a pic of Becky and Chrissy as he exits. Garin sees this.)
GARIN (to Becky)
Pssst! Psssst! Pssst!
(Blackout)
