Written by Joe Janes
10/9/09
264 of 365
CAST
John, late 20s
Lawrence, late 20s
Roxie, late 20s
Alan, six months
(Lights up on John and Lawrence sitting in the living room.)
JOHN
That was a really great dinner.
LAWRENCE
Thanks, neighbor. Next time, you guys come over to my place.
(A very pregnant Roxanne enters with three popsicles in their wrappers.)
ROXIE
Lawrence makes the dinner and I make the desert. Popsicle, John? I opened the box myself.
JOHN
Uh, no, thank you, Roxie.
LAWRENCE
You sure. They’re grape.
JOHN
No, really. I just have this thing about popsicles.
ROXIE
Really?
LAWRENCE
I’ll take his.
(She hands him the extra popsicle.)
ROXIE
I don’t think I have anything else.
JOHN
That’s okay.
ROXIE
We have some bananas.
JOHN
No. Sorry. I feel the same way about bananas as I do popsicles. Something about having them so close to my face. It’s also why I have never put a gun in my mouth.
LAWRENCE
You’re really missing out.
ROXIE
John, those things all have something in common.
JOHN
What’s that?
ROXIE
Well-?
LAWRENCE (with mouth full)
They’re all penises.
JOHN
What?
ROXIE
They’re all phallic symbols. Popsicles, bananas, guns.
LAWRENCE
You’re a homophobe.
JOHN
No, I’m not. I know gay people. I don’t have any problem with gay people.
LAWRENCE
Have you ever gone down on one?
JOHN
No!
LAWRENCE
Homophobe.
JOHN
Have you?
LAWRENCE
Oh, sure. (Roxie and John look at him) Look, there are billions of people on this planet. You can’t walk around without someone’s dick ending up in your mouth at least once. Even if you don’t want to. The odds are against it.
ROXIE
He’s right.
LAWRENCE
Pencils! Pens! You ever chew on those?
JOHN
No. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
ROXIE
A headache?
JOHN
Yeah. Right behind my eye.
LAWRENCE
Ever use a straw?
JOHN
No. Really, can we change the subject? I’m starting to get a migraine.
ROXIE
Anyone else in your family have this affliction? What about your parents?
JOHN
Just me. My whole life. I can’t even remember how it started. My mother said I would refuse my bottle. (He gets up and heads to the door, his hand over his eye.) I’m sorry to cut out so early, but I think I better go home and lie down.
LAWRENCE (walking him out)
Sure, buddy, sure. I’m sorry we brought up such a painful thing.
JOHN
It’s okay. It’s weird. I know.
ROXIE (following)
Do you want to put a popsicle on your head?
JOHN
Not a good idea. Thanks.
(He exits. Lawrence and Roxie stand there. He puts his arms around his pregnant wife.)
LAWRENCE
Well, I guess that gives us more time to get romantic.
ROXIE
Oh, little Alan just kicked.
LAWRENCE
Guess he likes the idea.
(They walk off. Cut to far stage right. Little Alan, six months old, is upside down in Roxie’s womb. He winces rhythmically, trying to protect his eye.)
ALAN
Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…Ow…
(Lights fade)
