Written by Joe Janes
283 of 365
Little Drummer Boy, 10
(Lights up on Mary, Joseph and Jesus away in a manger flanked by a cow and a lamb. If possible, we see the head of an adult actor on top of a baby’s body for Jesus. A boy with a drum shyly enters.)
Come on out, little boy. There’s nothing to be afraid of.
(The drummer boy sheepishly steps forward.)
What can we do for you?
I heard there was a newborn king here. I came to look upon him.
Step closer then. Say hello to baby Jesus.
Hi. He’s cute. I can see a family resemblance. (To Joseph) He has your eyes.
Yeah, let’s not talk about that.
May I give him a gift?
You see, I’m a poor boy, too.
You can put it over there, next to the gold.
We really don’t need any more gifts.
May I play the drum for him? I will play my very best.
(Mary nods. The Little Drummer prepares himself. He takes a quiet moment and then starts railing on that fucking drum so loudly and so obnoxiously it startles everyone. Mary and Joseph try to retain polite smiles. The cow starts moo-ing, the lamb starts bleating and they both start running around. Perhaps the lamb begins dropping Raisinettes out of its behind. Baby Jesus is wailing.)
Okay! Okay! That’s enough, thank you!
(Joseph gets up and takes the drum and throws it on the ground.)
Enough with that awful noise!
(The Little Drummer Boy looks petrified as the animals and Baby Jesus begin to calm down. The Little Drummer boy runs off crying. Joseph returns to Mary.)
He meant well.
What were we thinking? There can’t possibly be anything more annoying in the world than a boy banging on a drum.
Hi. May I come in?
What do you do?
I play Andrew Lloyd Webber songs on the accordion while stomping on broken glass in my bare feet and mewling like a cat in heat.
(Joseph and Mary look at one another.)
Sure, come on in.