“On Fire” Written by Joe Janes
12/4/09
320 of 365
Cast
Charlie, 30s
Emmy, 30s
Edie, 40s
Wayne, 50s
(Lights up on Charlie and Emmy sitting at a conference table waiting for others. They exchange glances and shrugs. Edie enters. She stands in the doorway and looks in.)
EDIE
Well. At least I’m not late.
(She enters and sits.)
CHARLIE
You are late.
EDIE
So’s the boss, ergo, not late.
EMMY
He’s been acting strange lately.
CHARLIE
I heard he split with his wife.
EDIE
Jesus, Charlie. You gossip like teenaged girl
CHARLIE
Just saying what I heard.
EDIE
I could be making dials, right now. This better be good. I hate meetings.
EMMY
They make me uncomfortable. Something bad always happens.
(Wayne enters. He is in a business suit with the jacket buttoned. He stands there beaming. His pant legs look baggy and his ears are more than just pierced. His ear lobes are punctured and have those napkin ring-like things in them.)
WAYNE
Hello, motherfuckers.
CHARLIE
Wayne.
EMMY
Mr. Steiner.
EDIE
What did you do to your ears?
WAYNE
My P-Daddy’s! Like it? Pretty hip, right? Cutting edge.
EDIE
Yeah. The latest rage in napkin holders.
WAYNE
I had an epiphany. The kind that’s going to blow this company out of the water.
(He takes off his jacket and throws it over a chair revealing that the waist of his pants is down below his butt.)
CHARLIE
Sounds…great.
EMMY
Looks like you’re ready to crack things wide open. (Whispering to Edie) I said, “crack.”
EDIE
I noticed. Good job.
WAYNE
You know what this company’s been missing? Fire. Fire. A passion for what we do. We all had that passion once, didn’t we? Maybe it was in high school. Maybe it was in college. Maybe we still had it when we hit our 30s, but the heat was starting to cool. Sistahs and bros, my passion was gone. Nothing but a pile of ash. But I met someone who blew on that ash and made a spark appear. Now, I’m on fire again and I want to spread the flames to Barnett and Aquino, Incorporated.
EDIE
We sell hand sanitizer.
WAYNE
We used to sell hand sanitizer. Now, we sell a lifestyle. We sell “cool.”
EMMY
Cool?
WAYNE
Or hip. Or sick. Or rad or whatever you want to call it. We’ve got it and the kids are going to clamor for it. We’ll sponsor indie rock concerts, have a booth at Pitchfork, give to PETA. When a tween or a twenty-something wants to destroy the germs on their hands, they’ll reach for a squirt of us. I want us to do viral videos on the You Tubes.
CHARLIE
A hand sanitizer that’s viral. Nice.
EDIE
Are you fucking around on your wife?
WAYNE
Yes! I totally am! And it is awesome. I have tasted once again the fruit of youth and I want to sing it from the mountaintops. But not do that, exactly, because that would be very nun-like and not very hip. I want to scream it from on top of an abandoned warehouse. I want you all to have a taste of what I’ve had. Smell it on your face and fingers. Live what I have lived and am living. Starting tomorrow, I want everyone to shave their junk!
EDIE
I’m not shaving my junk.
WAYNE
It’s now company policy. You have to.
CHARLIE
I’m afraid to, again. Chafing.
WAYNE
Dare to chafe, Charlie!
(Edie gets up and heads to the door.)
EDIE
Delores is my friend. I can’t stand by and witness this train wreck.
WAYNE
You call it a train wreck, Edie; I call it a beautiful, burning sensation.
EDIE
Does Delores know you’ve been fucking some teenaged bimbo?
WAYNE
Epiphany is nineteen. An adult. A consenting adult.
CHARLIE
An adult you can’t take to a bar.
EMMY
You really did have an epiphany.
WAYNE
And we connect. We’re soul mates. We even got matching tattoos. The Chinese symbol for “flame” right at the base of the spine.
EDIE
Shave there, too, Wayne?
WAYNE
You know what, Edie? You and women your age are just jealous. You’ve got realize that just because you’re in your 50s-
EDIE
40s.
WAYNE
Whatever, that doesn’t mean you have to be so old. And tired. All the women I meet my age look like they need a nap.
EDIE
Because we do. We have kids, we have jobs and we have asshole husbands. And you need to learn that sticking your dick in an adolescent ain’t the fountain of youth. You’re not going to be able to keep up and she’s not going to wait for grandpa to catch up. You look pathetic, not cool. (She grabs his waistband and pulls his pants up.)
WAYNE
Ow!
EDIE
I have dials to make.
(She exits.)
WAYNE
You still have to shave your junk.
CHARLIE
I’m with you man. Getting older doesn’t mean you have to get old. I’m going straight home to take another whack at manscaping.
WAYNE
Lots of baby powder.
EMMY
Try Nair.
CHARLIE
Good idea. I’ll use my wife’s.
(He exits.)
WAYNE
Emmy, you don’t think I’ve lost touch, do you? I feel more in touch than ever.
EMMY
I don’t like how you got it, but I like the new surge in energy.
WAYNE
That’s what I’m talking about.
(She exits. Wayne puts his jacket back on. He’s about to go out the door, but readjusts his pants so the belt is father than it was before, almost to his knees.)
WAYNE
I am on fire!
(Lights fade as he exits.)
