Written by Joe Janes
4/20/09
92 of 365
CAST
SERGIO, 20s
KENDRA, teens
SUPERHERO SERGIO, 20s
PHILLIP, 30s
TAWNY, 30s
DR. DAMNABLE, 50s
(Lights up on a comic book store. Sergio works behind the counter. Kendra is buying a stack of comic books.)
KENDRA
Hi, Sergio. How’s it going?SERGIO
“It” isn’t, but I am. I am going, soon, because I am going to be a millionaire.KENDRA
That’s great. I never knew a millionaire before. SERGIO
Kendra, I have worked at this store for five years. I see the comic books that come in and out. I have seen the best sellers, I have seen the stinkers. I have kept a sharp eye.KENDRA
And that makes you a millionaire?SERGIO
It will. Soon, I will be as rich as all the comic book writers you see on these racks. Because I have created my own comic book character. (In the background, their stories are acted out.)
KENDRA
Is he a superhero named Sergio? (Kendra’s superhero appears in standard hero pose, wind blowing his cape.) I bet he’s tall, muscular, and devilishly handsome. Able to blind purveyors of injustice with just his smile.
SERGIO
Actually, he’s a zombie. (A zombie appears behind the superhero and bites the superhero in the ear.) KENDRA
Zombies aren’t superheroes.SERGIO
But he’s a good zombie. (The zombie stops when he hears this and throws the superhero’s body offstage, taking over the hero pose.)KENDRA
Zombies are inherently not good, Sergio.SERGIO
This one is. That’s what makes it unique. His name is Phillip. Phillip is a zombie that feels remorse. He accidentally ate his girlfriend and feels bad about it. He vows never to eat another human. Not even bad guys, unless he really has to. He only eats cats.KENDRA
Like ALF!SERGIO
I might rethink that.KENDRA (excited)
Is he one of those speedy zombies?SERGIO
Don’t insult me. Of course, he isn’t. KENDRA
Then how does he catch bad guys?SERGIO
He works with the police. A lady detective named-KENDRA
Kendra?SERGIO
Tawny. Tawny McCougar. (Tawny appears next to Phillip. She also strikes the hands-on-hips hero pose.)KENDRA
She’s hot, isn’t she? Women named Tawny are always hot.SERGIO
Women named Tawny are always hot. But I think we can all agree, they don’t age well. And she knows this. It comes in to play later.KENDRA
And she’s in love with Phillip! I just knew it.SERGIO
Not a first. At first, she hates Phillip. They argue a lot because he’s a zombie. And zombies ate her parents. So, they don’t get along at all. Until Phillip saves her life. KENDRA
How does he save her life? Please tell me, please.SERGIO
Only if you promise me you’ll still buy the comic book when it comes out.KENDRA
I promise, I swear.SERGIO
The bad guy – an evil scientist named Dr. Damnable, Dr. Drake Damnable, who’s actually the cause of all the zombiness - kidnaps Tawny. She’s tied to a chair. (Dr. Damnable comes out and ties Tawny to a chair.) Phillip, who has sworn not to eat or infect another human being, comes in and knocks Dr. Damnable out with a croquet mallet. (Phillip whacks Dr. Damnable in the head. The doctor spins off stage.)KENDRA
Okay. Why a croquet mallet?SERGIO
Duh – because Damable’s evil lair is underneath a recreational lawn sports store. Damnable’s Lawn and Garden Games.KENDRA
I think horseshoes would be better. Or a tetherball. What’s a garden game?SERGIO
He uses a croquet mallet. Period. Sheesh. We’re done here. Take your inferior melancholy vampire books and hit the road, already.KENDRA
No, please. I really want to know what happens next. I promise I’ll buy all the issues of “Phillip the Zombie” and the graphic novel.SERGIO
I will make you sign a paper saying you said that. However, it’s not “Phillip the Zombie.” It’s called “Zombie Process,” get it?KENDRA
Yes. No. Maybe. But, probably not.SERGIO
Before Phillip became a zombie, he worked IT at a big computer company. A zombie process is a Unix process that has terminated and whose parent process has not yet received notification of its termination by executing the wait system call. See? It’s brilliant because it works on so many effing levels. It’s like irony. Sorry, I said “effing.”KENDRA
S’okay. So, Tawny falls in love with Phillip because he saves her from Dr. Damnable.SERGIO
No. Not just. It’s because he was alone in a room with her where she was tied to a chair. He could have eaten her. Easy pickings for a hungry zombie. But instead, he unties her and frees her. KENDRA
That’s so romantic. SERGIO
Well, I want girls like you to buy the comic book, too. KENDRA
I would totally buy “Zombie Process.”SERGIO
And I have the story lines plotted out for the next ten years. In year four, Tawny realizes she’s getting older and wants Phillip to turn her into a zombie so she’ll stop aging.KENDRA
Oh. But won’t she then start rotting?SERGIO
Not if she lives with Phillip in his customized walk-in meat cooler. But that doesn’t happen until year seven. Phillip breaks up with her to keep himself from succumbing to her will. (Phillips points off, kicking Tawny out, and she walks off.)KENDRA
Man, I wish I was as smart and creative and handsome as you, Sergio. When does the book come out?SERGIO
Oh, you know. I’m shopping it around, right now. If I don’t get an offer I like, I might just publish it myself. Keep all the profits all to myself. KENDRA
Well, I’ll keep looking for it on the shelves. (Sergio hands Kendra her bagged comics)SERGIO
You do that. It’s going to be big. Action figures. Movies. Animated series. A good one. Not crap.KENDRA
See you next Saturday.(She exits. Sergio grabs a stack of comic books and walks off to the back of the store. Phillip is still standing alone. The superhero, now a zombie, comes back out and attacks Phillip from behind, biting into his shoulder. Blackout.)
