Written by Joe Janes
3/20/09
245 of 365
CAST
Pinocchio, 5
Geppetto, 60s
Figaro, 5
Jiminy, 30
Blue Fairy, 50
(Lights up on Geppetto putting the finishing touches on his new wooden puppet, Pinocchio. Figaro sleeps near his feet. Jiminy Cricket appears downstage.)
JIMINY
Oh, hi there. My name’s Jiminy. Jiminy Cricket. And I’m here to tell you about my good friend, Pinocchio. One starry night, I was walking past old man Geppetto’s toyshop when I saw the most amazing thing.
GEPPETTO
Just a little more paint, Figaro, and my puppet will be finished.
FIGARO
Meow.
GEPPETTO
There! Now, isn’t that nice?
FIGARO
Meow.
GEPPETTO
Oh, how I wish it were a real boy. I’d like to have a son. Never was quite able to master that “courting women” thing. But, a boy. Someone to teach my craft to, someone to give my love to, someone to claim as a dependent. Someone to clean my shop for free. You know what I’m going to call him? Pinocchio. You like that name, Figaro?
FIGARO
Meow.
GEPPETTO
Yeah. Me, too. Sounds like a card game. Maybe I’ll come up with a better name tomorrow. Maybe Lance or Ed. Oh, well, I’m sleepy. I’m an old man. I go eat a big ham sandwich and go to the bed.
(Geppetto exits. Figaro follows.)
FIGARO
Meow.
JIMINY
Geppetto went to bed and I got a closer look at Pinocchio. Red lederhosen and a yellow cap. What evil, twisted things did this Geppetto have planned? Suddenly, the room filled with a blue light.
(The Blue Fairy, a Chicago cop wearing a tutu enters.)
BLUE
Okay, Cockroach. Back away from the puppet, slowly now.
JIMINY
I’m not a cockroach. I’m a cricket.
BLUE
What’s the difference?
JIMINY
Well, for one thing, I chirp!
BLUE
Whoop-de-doo, a loud cockroach.
JIMINY
Just who the heck are you supposed to be with your shiny badge and big wings?
BLUE
I’m a cop. And I happen to be a fairy. Let’s leave it at that.
JIMINY
Am I in some kind of trouble?
BLUE
Do you live here?
JIMINY
No.
BLUE
Then you are in some kind of trouble. Stick around. I’ve got other business to tend to first.
(The Blue Fairy touches Pinocchio’s head with his magic nightstick.)
JIMINY
Then the Blue Fairy took his magic nightstick and touched Pinocchio’s head with it.
BLUE
Hey. Stuff a sock in it, and watch that fairy talk.
PINOCCHIO
What, oh, Lordy, my head. Hey, I can talk! I’m alive! I know words!
BLUE
That’s right, Pinocchio. I have given you life.
PINOCCHIO
Am I a real boy?
BLUE
No. You’re still just pieces of wood put together with an IKEA Alan wrench. You can become a boy, though. You must prove yourself brave, truthful and unselfish.
PINOCCHIO
Well, being wooden isn’t all that bad, I guess.
BLUE
Don’t you want to even try to become real?
PINOCCHIO
Not really? Sounds like a lot of hard work. Besides, I’ll last longer and never have to worry about eating or pooping.
JIMINY
Gotta side with the wood on that one.
PINOCCHIO
Ew! A cockroach!
JIMINY
Cricket, thank you.
PINOCCHIO
What’s the difference?
JIMINY
I have a hat. And I have the adorable name of Jiminy. Cockroaches have zero flair. And most of them are named Stan. If you had a conscience, you’d be a little more polite about such sensitive issues.
BLUE
There you go, Jiminy Cricket. I’ll let you off the hook for breaking and entering Geppetto’s Toy Shop if you help the puppet here become a boy. Be his conscience for him.
JIMINY
Crap on me.
BLUE
It’s settled then. Stay out of trouble, Pinocchio. If you don’t, I’ll be back.
PINOCCHIO
Bye, Blue.
JIMINY
Bye, Officer.
(Blue exits. Geppetto enters brandishing a baseball bat.)
GEPPETTO
What’s going on out here?
PINOCCHIO
Father!
GEPPETTO
Oh! My heart!
(Geppetto clutches his chest and falls to the floor. Dead.)
JIMINY
Oh, no! He’s dead.
PINOCCHIO
This is the worst day of my entire life.
JIMINY
I don’t see how things could get any worse.
(Figaro walks in upright eating a ham sandwich. Figaro sees Jiminy, drops the sandwich and switches into full on cat attack mode, growling. Figaro grabs Jiminy and drags him off.)
JIMINY
Help, Pinocchio! Help me! He’s got my head in his mouth! (We hear a large crunch sound.)
PINOCCHIO
Jiminy Cockroach! I’ll save you!
(Pinocchio grabs the baseball bat and runs off. We hear him beating Figaro to a pulp. Pinocchio comes back in covered in blood and bits of fur, The Blue Fairy returns.)
BLUE
All right, wood boy. Step away from the body.
PINOCCHIO
I didn’t do anything, honest.
BLUE
Honest? Ha. Three dead bodies, you covered in blood and holding some wooden phallus. Should have trusted my gut about the red lederhosen. No one sane wears red lederhosen.
PINOCCHIO
What will happen to me, now?
BLUE
That’s up to the judge. But I wouldn’t want to be in your clogs.
(Blue drags Pinocchio off. The ghost of Jiminy Cricket appears.)
JIMINY
And Pinocchio lived happily ever after. Well, not at first. Pinocchio is charge with manslaughter. He serves five years in a maximum-security prison. One time in the laundry room, he is sodomized with a broomstick which catches his ass on fire. He loses the ability to sit. Once free, he gets a minimum wage job at Felony Franks on the South Side serving up hot dogs. One day, he stands too close to the open flame grill and loses his right arm. He now lives off of worker’s comp and keeps a room at the Y. He never became a real boy, but he does enjoy their company. That’s happy, right? (Off stage we hear a ghostly “meow.”) Gotta go!
(Blackout.)
