Written by Joe Janes
58 out of 365
(Lights up on Ned sitting on the couch, wearing cut-off shorts, eating potato chips, and watching TV. Julie enters.)
NED (turning off TV with remote)Uh-oh.
JULIEYou said you were going to clean today.
NEDI did. I did clean.
JULIEWhere? Where did you clean? This place looks like the backseat of your car.
JULIEShuffling in your stocking feet between the couch and the kitchen doesn’t count as sweeping.
NEDHa-ha. I swept in the hall.
JULIE (she looks)There’s cat puke in the hall.
NEDWhich is why I swept.
JULIEThen why is there cat puke in the hall?
NEDI’m letting it dry so it will be easier to sweep up.
JULIEIt’s dry. Looks like it’s been dry for hours.
NEDOkay, CSI. I’ll clean it up.
(He gets up off the couch)
JULIENed, I’m tired of your big, fat thighs.
NEDWhat did you say?
JULIEYou heard me. You’re a liar.
NEDThat’s not what you said.
JULIEAnd now you’re lying to me about what I said.
NEDYou said you are tired of my big, fat thighs.
JULIELies. I said “lies.”
NEDYou said “thighs.” You – you think I’m fat. (He starts to tear up.)
JULIENo, baby, no.
NEDIt’s these stupid shorts. I knew I shouldn’t wear them.
JULIEYou look sexy in those shorts. Come here.
(She sits and pats the spot next to her.)
JULIENed. Come here. (She pulls Ned towards her and makes him sit on her lap.) There. (Groans a bit) That’s better. Doesn’t that feel better?
JULIEWhatever I said, I didn’t mean it, baby. You know I didn’t mean it. You’re my guy. My sexy guy. I love you. You’re as handsome as the day I met you. Even more. (She meows.)
NEDYou don’t think I’m fat?
JULIENot at all. You know I get a little tongue-tied when I see you in your manly Daisy Dukes. Why don’t you head on into the bedroom and slip out of them. I’ll be right in.
NED (giggling)Okay. (He kisses her on the lips.) I’ll go warm up the Craftmatic.
JULIE (to the audience)You know, if he weren’t so damn good in the sack, I’d dump his fat ass.
(Ned comes back in looking coy.)
NEDJulie, honey, you sure you don’t think I’m fat?
JULIENed, you look flabulous.
(Ned gasps and runs off crying.)
JULIE (continuing and following)What? What? Now, what did I say?