Week Five, Day Thirty-Two - "Mercury Poisoning"

“Mercury Poisoning”
Written by Joe Janes
2/19/09
32 of 365

CAST:
KRISTI, early 20s
JESSICA, early 20s
DR. PHYLLIS CUNNINGHAM, 40s

(Lights up on two female college theater majors seated on a bench.)

KRISTI

I can’t believe our acting teacher had the nerve to tell me he didn’t believe us in our scene.

JESSICA

I know! Like he has any idea what it’s like to be two forty-five year old widowed Irish housewives with kids looking for love.

KRISTI

I know! Not like his loins have been open for business in, oh, two decades.

(Dr. Phyllis Cunningham enters in lab coat with clipboard.)

DR. PHYLLIS

Kristi, I’ve been all through your tests. I can’t find anything wrong with you. To be honest, I’m having a hard time believing anything is wrong with you.

KRISTI

You, too? Screw it! I’m going to Devry.

(She exits. Blackout)

THE DEVOLUTION OF ZED

The Final Hour

Joe Janes, P.I.

The Chaplin (All right, The Hitler! Dude ruined it for everyone.)

Zed Is Dead, Baby. Zed Is Dead.

Zed died a slow and taunting death. He was followed quickly by his sideburn brothers, Daryl and Daryl. Mourners are asked not to send flowers, but to contribute in Zed's name to 826-Chi. Sponsorships of Zed, albeit just in memory, will be accepted through Tuesday and can be done by clicking HERE.


Shout out to Mary Lorenz and Bob Wilson for supporting me and the Zed. And to Jenny and Jeannie for making an appearance at The Globe for the final night of Moustache-A-Thon.

Week Five, Day Thirty - "Termination "

“Termination”
Written by Joe Janes
2/17/09
30 of 365

CAST:
Cliff
Eleanor

(Lights up on Eleanor entering Cliff’s office.)

ELEANOR

You wanted to see me, Cliff?

CLIFF

Yes, Eleanor. Things being how they are, I’m afraid I have to let you go.

ELEANOR

But we’ve only been married two weeks.

(He points to the door. She starts to exit. Lights fade.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON

Wednesday night (most likely TONIGHT by the time you read this) is the final 826 Moustache-A-Thon event. Big shout out to Team Elwell, Lori Letterhos, Andrew Ettenhoffer and Andy Poland for adding themselves to my elite list of contributors sponsoring Zed and me. If you're in Chicago, the Moustache-A-Thon wraps up at The Globe Pub near the Irving Park brownline stop starting at 7:30pm. It's free to join us and many prizes will be given to hairy and non-hairy people alike.And it's not too late to bolster Zed's self-esteem with your donation by clicking HERE.



THROWING HEAT

So, I'm directing a play about baseball and the media. We had auditions on Sunday and Monday, and I was absolutely blown away by the level of talent wanting to come play with us. We could have cast this show several different ways without a single compromise in quality. I sincerely wish I could have cast everyone. A big thank you to everyone who turned out. You'll hear more about this project as we get closer to the show dates in May.

THE SEAFARER

Holy mother of God, go see this play. One of the best written plays I have seen in awhile. And certainly well done. It's at the Steppenwolf.

Week Four, Day Twenty-Four -"Gravy Boat"

“Gravy Boat”
Written by Joe Janes
2/11/09
24 of 365

Cast:
Gert, 60s
Richard, 60s
Jeff, 30s
Clive, 40s

(Lights up on Richard and Gert setting up a yard sale. Gert is setting knick-knacks and such out on a folding table. Richard is pulling out a push lawn mower.)

GERT

We should have done this years ago.

RICHARD

You just never know, Gert. You might sell something and then tomorrow you go looking for it.

GERT

You really think you’re going to miss that lawn mower?

RICHARD

Never know. The riding mower breaks down, we don’t have a back up, next thing you know we’re drowning in weeds.

GERT

We’ll take our chances, Richard. Now go bring that table tennis eyesore up from the basement.

RICHARD

Aye, aye, my sweet.

(He exits. Gert starts setting up dishes. Jeff enters.)

JEFF

Still setting up, Gert?

GERT

We might just run out of yard for our yard sale, Jeff. You’re here early.

JEFF

Saw the flyer down at the laundr-o-mat. Love these things. Early bird gets the (picks something up off the table) pink plastic poodle piggy bank.

GERT (confidentially)

I’ll pay you to take that damn thing.

JEFF

Jeannie would kill me. Mind if I poke around while you’re setting up?

GERT

Go right ahead.

JEFF

I always like to be first to these things. Ya’ never know.

GERT

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

JEFF

More ways than one. Saw this one guy on Antiques Roadshow last night that bought a blanket for two bucks at a rummage sale. Turns out it was worth $5,000. For a blanket someone else was about to throw out.

GERT

Really?

JEFF

Sure. Happens all the time.

(Richard enters with table tennis thing.)

RICHARD

Our first customer! We made a sale, yet?

JEFF

Sorry, Richard, not yet.

RICHARD

Help me with this, Gert.

GERT (watching Jeff)

Sure thing.

(Jeff picks up a dish.)

JEFF

Don’t see these too much.

RICHARD

What’s that?

JEFF

What do they call these? A gravy boat. Is there a matching gravy ladle?

GERT (looking at Richard who shakes his head no)

I don’t think there ever was one.

JEFF

How much you want for it?

GERT

Gee, I don’t know-

RICHARD

Let me show you how this is done, Gert. (Richard takes the boat from Jeff and studies it while obviously putting on an act). Well, you know, I’d hate to let this one go, Jeff. Been in the family for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Like the tomato. But if I had to, I suppose I could let you have for two dollars, cash.

JEFF (laughing)

Sold!

GERT (grabbing boat)

Oh, no, you don’t! Can’t you see he’s trying to take advantage of us?

RICHARD

Gert!

GERT

Ask yourself, Richard. Why would a young man like this want a gravy boat? What’s he going to do with it?

RICHARD

Use it to contain his excess gravy?

JEFF

Actually, I was thinking it might be good for keeping loose washers and bolts in.

GERT

Nice try.

RICHARD

Can’t believe you’re making such a fuss over two dollars.

GERT

Tell him, Jeff.

JEFF

Tell him, what?

GERT

About Antiques Roadshow. You found treasure in our trash.

JEFF

I found a gravy boat in your trash.

GERT

He’s trying to make a fortune off us.

RICHARD

How is he going to make a fortune off a two-buck gravy boat?

GERT

He buys it here for a few measly dollars, then he gets it appraised on TV and finds out its worth thousands of dollars.

JEFF

That’s ridiculous, Gert. If I were going to try to rip you off, why would I even bother telling you about Antiques Roadshow?

GERT

I don’t know, maybe you’re not very good at this.

RICHARD (sighs)

Gert… Assuming Jeff is even interested in still buying it, what do you think is a fair price for this gravyless gravy boat, Gert? Sorry about this, Jeff. Ever since we scaled back on her prescription meds, she’s been kind of surly.

GERT

I won’t part with this gravy boat for anything less than five hundred dollars.

JEFF

What?

RICHARD

You have flipped your lid, Gert.

JEFF

Five hundred dollars. For a gravy boat at a two-bit yard sale? I wouldn’t give you five hundred dollars for this whole pile of thrift store crap you’ve dumped on your overgrown lawn.

RICHARD

Hey, now.

JEFF

If this is how you are going to treat your customers, good luck selling a speck of the rest of your “treasures.” (He exits. Richard looks at Gert disappointed. She looks like she may have really screwed up. Jeff rushes back in.) I’ll give you two hundred cash.

GERT

Sold!

(He hands her the cash and she hands him the boat. He leaves.)

RICHARD

You’re in charge of sales, then. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Table tennis?

(They play. Fade to Antiques Roadshow)

CLIVE

Well, it looks to me that what we have here is a Lichtenstein-Graf antique gravy boat, which many people, even today, use to serve delicious gravy at the dinner table. Usually for more formal occasions, such as Thanksgiving. This particular piece has been around for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Handcrafted. It’s nearly priceless.

JEFF

Really?

CLIVE

Nearly, but without the matching ladle, I can only place its value at two dollars.

JEFF

I’ll take three.

(Clive smacks three bucks down on the table.)

CLIVE

Deal. (Clive grabs the gravy boat and takes a matching ladle out of his suit coat.)

CLIVE (continuing)

You’re home, baby. You’re home!

(Jeff smacks himself in the head. blackout)

ZED WINS THIS WEEK

So, the Moustache-A-Thon continues. Last night, 826 hosted a preliminary meet-up and good ol' Zed won second place in the organic category. Congrats, Zed! And, yes, the prize was a bag of homemade caramel popcorn. Yum! Next week, is the final night of the competition. You can get your sponsorship dollars in by clicking HERE!

Week Four, Day Twenty-Two -"Macbeth"

“Macbeth”
Written by Joe Janes
2/9/09
22 of 365

CAST:
Jasper, 40s
Nick, 30s
Stage Manager (VO)

(Lights up on Jasper sitting downstage out to the audience putting on stage make-up in a dressing room. He is being very quiet and mindful. He is running through lines in his head and at one point, grabs the script, flips through it, checks it, rolls his eyes and goes back to putting on make-up. Nick enters, whistling Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “The Music of the Night” and carrying an open wet umbrella and a pair of shoes. He places the shoes on the make-up table. Jasper is clearly perturbed by this.)

NICK (shaking out his umbrella – opening and closing it)

Raining cats and dogs, Jasper. Big cats, bigger dogs. All foaming at the mouth.

JASPER

Nick. Nick! I know you are new to all this, but what you are doing right now is very, very bad.

NICK

Doing what?

JASPER

Opening an umbrella inside, repeatedly, placing your shoes on a table, whistling…it’s all considered bad luck

NICK

That’s pretty silly, Jasper. How could any of that have any affect on our show?

JASPER

I don’t know. But it is best not to tempt the fates (he indicates for Nick to remove the shoes. Nick puts them on the floor and puts his umbrella outside the door. As the scene continues, they pantomime putting on elaborate wigs and costumes.)

NICK

Boy, there sure are a lot of rules for just putting on a costume and playing make believe.

JASPER

Is that all this is to you? A big game of cowboys and injuns?

NICK

Sort of, but with lines and blocking. And a buttload of superstitions.

JASPER

Don’t you have any superstitions?

NICK (pulling a play out of his bag and looking at it)

Not really. No. I don’t even care of you spill salt around me or walk under a ladder. I’ve got a pair of lucky socks, but you know, they aren’t always lucky. Deep down, I think they’re just socks.

JASPER

Well, just realize that we theater folk are pretty superstitious. Even if you’re not, you should be respectful.

NICK

No problem there. I’m having a lot of fun, Even though I’m essentially just a spear-carrier who also moves scenery, I’m having a good time.

JASPER

Well, I suppose at the end of the day, that’s the important thing. Having fun. What are you reading?

NICK

I have an audition coming up so I thought I better take a look at the play. Macbeth. That’s how you say it, right? Macbeth?

JASPER (freaked and yelling)

Jumping Jehosaphat, Nick! Never, never utter the title of that play inside a theater, ever!!! Do you hear me? Ever! That play is cursed. Evoking the name of (whispering) the Scottish play – is verboten. Bad, bad things happen.

NICK

Just because I said Macbeth.

JASPER

And now you said it three times! Those other superstitions, I grant you, silly. Ridiculous, even. This one, don’t fuck with it. I was in a play once and the director, jokingly, said that word three times during a laughingly bad dress rehearsal. (mocking) “Could be worse, we could be doing MmMmmm” Opening night, the lead actress stepped on broken glass while barefoot backstage and couldn’t go on. The next night, it monsooned and the costume shop in the basement flooded ruining all the costumes. The third night, the power went out on the entire block. We had to cancel and refund the tickets to a sold out show. We were closed by Sunday.

NICK

Wow. I didn’t know. Who knew a play written 500 years ago would have so much power. I take it back. Can I do that? Take it back?

JASPER

I don’t think it works that way.

STAGE MANAGER (VO on intercom)

Attention, cast and crew. We are five minutes to curtain for Andrew Lloyd Weber On Ice. Act One, scene one performers please report to places.

JASPER

Well, that’s me. No more saying that word, Nick. Promise me.

NICK

You got it, Jasper.

(Jasper exits)

NICK

Good luck!

(Offstage Jasper trips over Nick’s umbrella. He falls and yelps in pain. He limps back in.)

JASPER

The proper expression is “break a leg.”

(Lights out.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON CONTINUES

Shout out to Garin for sponsoring Good Ol' Zed in the 826 Moustache-A-Thon. You can throw your support to this fine educational organization, and to my moustache Zed, by clicking HERE.

MADE IN THE USA

The second sketch I posted for the 365 project dealt with the trade deficit and how nearly everything in America is frustratingly manufactured in China. This came up while trying to buy a pair of shoes at my usual places. Happy to announce that I went to a New Balance store and found these wonderful walking around in shoes. I was looking at them in the store and a woman in a postal uniform pointed at them and praised them. If that ain't an endorsement, I don't know what is. They are a great pair of shoes. It's like I'm walking on a very firm cloud.

Moustache-A-Thon!

(Me and the soon-to-be mustache, Zed)

The beard is gone...for now.

It will return and will be the hairy thrown clay from which my spinning pottery wheel face will create...a moustache!

Don't panic. It's for a good cause. I am participating in 826's Moustache-A-Thon. A facial hair growing event designed to raise money for the non-profit writing/tutoring center for which I also volunteer.

It began yesterday, thus the RedEye to prove I was coming out of the starting gate clean shaven. I have until February 18th to grow an amazing moustache. My goal...The Zed!





My mustache shall be named Zed, after Sean Connery’s character in the great bad film Zardoz. Zed is a savage warrior who threatens the status quo of the distant future - as the movie tag lines say, beyond 1984, even 2001!

Each Zed whisker of mine shall be a tentacle of brute genius hellbent on vigilante justice. Zed shall single-lippedly hurl all other competitors into the Vortex of loserdom! At the end of Mustache-a-thon, all who remain shall kneel down before Zed!

Soon I will be able to link to a site where you may show your love and devotion to Zed through monetary gifts that will benefit 826.

* Sean Connery’s character also sports a ponytail, which I will not be attempting in fear of the excess neck and back strain the extra weight might cause.


SKETCHFEST PICKS FOR TONIGHT

8PM

PENNYBEAR - West Theater - Crazy off-center comedy featuring the awesome Nancy Friedrich. On the same bill as Broadminded, an all-fem gang from Milwaukee

9:30PM

ROBOT VS DINOSAUR - South Theater - Of course you should see this! This is the "hit single" version of our Are You There God? It's Me, Satan show. Great cast, funny scenes. On the same bill as Think Tank

THE FOWLER FAMILY RADIO HOUR and LOLA BALATRO - North Theater - If you can't get in to see RvD, or you already saw the hell show, check out these guys. Fowler has been around for years and has generated good buzz. Lola features Paul Thomas from The Breeders video I did. He is a funny, prolific guy. There will probably be a lot of great comedy music in both shows, too, if you're in to that sort of thing.

For ticket info, click HERE.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An authorized sequel to the 1928 book 'The House at Pooh Corner" will be published soon and it is titled what?"

16% said "Much Ado Pooh"
- Featuring that melancholy dane, Piglet.

9% said "Son of Pooh"
- Where Pooh's offspring terrorizes New York City.

No one said "House Full of Pooh"

75% got it right with "Return to the Hundred Acre Wood"

According to BBC News, the Bear of Very Little Brain will make his comeback in Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, the first authorised sequel to Milne's original 1920s stories. "We hope that the many millions of Pooh enthusiasts and readers around the world will embrace and cherish these new stories as if they had just emerged from the pen of A A Milne himself," said Michael Brown of the Trustees of the Pooh Properties.

Yeah. Be careful with the phrase "pooh enthusiasts." Let's just say you don't want to Google it without the safesearch filter on.