Written by Joe Janes
8/29/09
223 of 365
CAST
Carl, 40s
Kong,???
Theater Patron Liz, 40s
Theater Patron Percy, 20s
Theater Patron Millie, 60s
Theater Patron Frank, 60s
(Circa 1933. On stage, we see a large curtain. Standing before it on a tuxedo is Carl Denham.)
CARL
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.
(The curtain falls and we see Kong on a platform with his arms and feet in chains. The audience gasps.)
CARL (continuing)
Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel.
(The “ooh-ing” and “ah-ing” subsides.)
CARL (continuing)
Big fella, isn’t he? The strength of a thousand apes. Regular-sized apes. All rolled up into one giant ape. (Flexes his arms) Grrrrr!
(Pause)
THEATER PATRON LIZ
Now, what?
CARL
What’s that?
THEATER PATRON PERCY
He’s impressive and all, but now what?
CARL
Well, um, just look at how magnificent he is. Do you want to come up and take a closer look?
THEATER PATRON LIZ
Not really. He’s got a bit of a gamey smell about him.
CARL
Well, he’s a wild animal. Full of wild animal instincts.
THEATER PATRON MILLIE
Like avoiding proper bathing.
THEATER PATRON FRANK
Look, what’s your name-
CARL
Carl Denham, adventurer!
THEATER PATRON FRANK
I wasn’t really asking. There’s a depression going on, you know. My wife and I paid big bucks for these tickets. On top of that we hired a baby sitter and paid for a really nice meal.
THEATER PATRON MILLIE
Oh, did you go to Sardis’?
THEATER PATRON FRANK
Indeed, we did.
THEATER PATRON PERCY
I love their steak tartar. They make it right at your table.
CARL
Your point, sir?
THEATER PATRON FRANK
Is this it?
CARL
Is this it? This is Kong – The Eighth Wonder of the World!
THEATER PATRON PERCY
Guess this it. Some show.
THEATER PATRON LIZ (to her escort)
I told you we should have gone to see “Porgy and Bess.”
THEATER PATRON MILLIE
Doesn’t he sing or dance?
CARL
He’s a giant ape.
THEATER PATRON FRANK
For chrissake’s, even my dog does tricks.
THEATER PATRON LIZ
Your dog is smarter than this ape.
(Carl talks out of the side of his mouth to Kong.)
CARL
I’m dying here, Kong. Do something.
(Kong holds up a fist towards Carl, “cranks” it until the middle finger is extended.)
THEATER PATRON PERCY
That was offensive. What’s next? IS he going to fling his giant pooh at us? I want a refund.
CARL
You can’t get a refund. This is Broadway.
THEATER PATRON PERCY
Then you or the monkey need to start dancing.
CARL
He’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.
THEATER PATRON MILLIE
And we’re done wondering. I want my money back.
(The rest of the crowd chimes in on this and they start shouting for a refund.)
CARL
Kong, help me, here. Do you really want me to send you back to that island full of swamp gas, giant mosquitoes and dinosaurs?
THEATER PATRON PERCY
Dinosaurs?
THEATER PATRON MILLIE
What dinosaurs, where?
CARL
Back on the island where I found Kong. They had dinosaurs.
TEHATER PATRON FRANK
Are you insane? Why didn’t you bring back a dinosaur? Those are extinct.
THEATER PATRON LIZ
I would have loved to see a dinosaur. I could stare at one of those for hours.
CARL
But, apes are cool.
THEATER PATRON PERCY
Apes aren’t cool. I can go to the zoo to see an ape. Dinosaurs, wow that really would have been worth the ticket price.
THEATER PATRON MILLIE
If there are dinosaurs still alive, then there’s no way this is the eighth wonder of the world.
THEATER PATRON PERCY
I don’t know what scale your using to rank your wonders, Mister Adventurer, but a T. Rex would knock this smelly, untalented beast down into the double digits.
(During all this, Kong has become increasing offended and angry that the crowd would rather see a dinosaur. Percy’s remark puts him over the edge. He breaks his chains and roars!)
CARL
Show’s over! Show’s over! We can’t control him.
THEATER PATRON LIZ
Don’t end it now!
THEATER PATRON MILLIE
It’s just getting good.
(The crowd is now cheering. Kong goes into the crowd and smashes the heads of the theater patrons. And makes it back on stage.)
CARL
Good job, Kong. Say, were you friends with any of those dinosaurs? Maybe we could put together a comedy team.
(Kong roars at him. Carl runs off screaming. Kong turns to the remaining audience.)
KONG
No refunds.
(Blackout.)
