Tuesday, August 28, 2007

We Ain't Quitters!

Dear Mr. President,

How are you? I am fine. Hope you are enjoying your vacation. How about this weather?

Well, I finally figured it out.

There is a way to get out of the war in Iraq gracefully.

Don't worry. There will be no cutting. There will be no running.I Know how much you hate that option.

The answer has been right under our noses through most of your administration. Over a dozen high ranking officials and republican members of congress have been giving us the answer in droves.

We don't quit the war in Iraq. We retire from it.

Gonzales, Rove, Rumsfeld, for example, are geniuses. For some reason, when people retire in your administration, they seem to be absolved from any wrong doing. Everybody gets a clean slate and cake at the retirement party. It's a republican tradition dating back to Nixon. Respectfully retire from Iraq before the Shiite really hits the fan. Let someone else clean up the mess. Like the democrats.

I've even written up a little speech for you to give at a press conference. One of those press conferences where the reporters don't ask questions (like it's their job or something!).

I picture you dressed as Uncle Sam. Deepen your voice an octave or two to give that ol' Wilford Brimley "I'm folksy and wise" kind of sound. But you could also hire someone. Rich Little could probably use more work. Then you can read your retirement letter.

"My fellow Americans,

I hereby announce my retirement from the Iraq War. As you know, I love this war. I have put a lot of your time and money into it. Thousands of U.S. soldiers have lost their lives fighting this war. Gobs and gobs more Iraqi civilians have lost their lives as a result of our liberation of their country. It's hard to tell how many exactly because they don't speak English, yet, and have been unable to clearly tell us they are dead.

After giving my all to this war for the past five years, I have decided to leave. I need to spend more time with my family. That's you, America (wink). We'll finally be able to go play ball and have a picnic. And we can have that talk about sex that's long overdue.

While it's been a difficult war, even on it's worst days, it was better than my father's war. We killed more people, including Saddam Hussein and his boys, and grabbed more oil.

As I retire into the private sector, I am not leaving Iraq to fend for itself. No, Sireee. I already have a replacement for myself. Latvia, one of the few remaining coalition countries with forces still there, will continue to stand for democracy. All twelve of them.

I'll see you on down the road.

God Bless Me,

Uncle Sam"

Well? What do you think? I think it's golden and you can use it and I won't even take credit for it like that guy suing Disney over Hannah Montana. Did you hear about that? That's like someone suing you for stealing war strategies from LBJ. You crazy Texans and your wars in foreign countries!

Yours in Christ,


P.S. If you want to do one of those quickie recess appointments to replace Gonzales, I am ready and available. I have cleared my schedule and can start immediately. I have no law experience, but I can see where that would be an asset working for you.


Yesterday, I asked...

"In Oklahoma City, a church deacon got into a fight in a bar with a Texan over a t-shirt. What did the deacon do?"

18% said he "Traded the t-shirt for a Bible"
- Hmm, they both do have that "I'm with Stupid" appeal, but no.

No one fell for "Turned his other cheek" or "Prayed for the Texan's soul"
- We all know you never turn your cheek in a crowded bar and that Texans have no souls. Okay, just most Texans. Hank Hill's got soul.

82% nailed it with "Tore the man's scrotum"

According to NBC, the Texan was wearing a Longhorns t-shirt in Sooners country. The deacon made an undisclosed derogatory comment about it, the Texan took offense, and as mature grown men would do, they went outside for some good ol' fashioned Queen's Rules fisticuffs. Actually, only one of them made it outside. The Texan moved toward the deacon and the deacon grabbed the guy's cajones in self-defense, then ran. That's right, as in football, a good defense is a good offense. The police report described injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles. Score one for God and, apparently, untrimmed fingernails!