Week 52, Day 361 - "Your New Improv Coach"

“Your New Improv Coach”

Written by Joe Janes

1/14/10

361 of 365

Cast:

Crystal Dee, 30s

(Lights up on Crystal Dee, a very energetic woman a nice blouse and old sweatpants.)

CRYSTAL DEE

Is everybody here? Is this everybody?...Okay. Okay. Cool. We’ll, get started. How’s everybody doing?...I said, “How’s everybody doing, yo?”... That’s better. I knew you could do it. My name is Crystal Dee. I’m going to be your new improv coach. Good looking team. Lots of hotties and studs. Tonight, you’re just checking me out, as a coach, get your mind out of the gutter. Hopefully, we hit it off and we get to do this more often. Right? Right….You might have seen me around town. I’m on several improv teams. Shut The Chuckle Up, Mr. Peepers and Unnatural Gas. There are other teams I coach. You’ve probably heard of Jest in Show and Improvised Kafka. I also teach and am an ensemble member over at Comedy Olympians – the home of pun and games.

But enough about me. Let’s do some improv, yeah? Everybody up on your feet. Stand on up. Good, good, good. Come on, now. Everybody. Stretch. Everybody stretch. Shake out your arms and your legs. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Give yourself a big old hug. A big squeeze. This is a friendly ol’ hug. Keep it clean. (She is hugging herself) Hug and hug and hug. (She realizes she may have been doing this too long.) Okay, break it up or get a room with yourself.

Now, then… Two people up. Come on, don’t be shy. Two people up. You and you. (She gets two audience volunteers up and on the stage. A man and a woman.) What are your names? (They respond.) Cool. Cool. The guy’s are pretty hot in this group. And you’re pretty, too. How long have you been in improv? (She cuts the woman off.) I’ve been doing this ten years. Ten years. Took my first class from improv guru Ed Garza. Do you know who Ed Garza is? Well, you should. Big lesson, here. Know your roots, people. Ed Garza, Jim Belushi, Viola Spelling. Okay, you are a couple and you are decorating your condo for a “Lost” premiere watching party. Okay – and go!... (They, through Crystal’s side coaching, if need be, begin an improvised scene.) …Good, good, keep going. His name is Benji. Call him Benji… Good, good, you guys rock, keep going….Okay, uh, woman-girl, as Benji inflates the palm tree balloon – inflate a palm tree balloon – object work, people – as he does that, you find a woman’s phone number written on a napkin in lipstick in his jacket pocket. It’s hanging on the door. Make it look natural. (She side coaches them through this action.) Okay, okay, woman-girl, you find the number, it has lipstick on it, what’s your reaction? …Class, what would you do? .. Okay, those choices are all wrong. If you get angry, he’ll leave and you’ll have all your friends coming over for a party and have to explain why your live-in boyfriend isn’t there. And you ruin the “Lost” premiere by wailing all the way through it. Especially when Sawyer comes on. So, it’s improv, discover another reaction to have other than anger and confrontation. Go… (She side coaches the woman through reacting to the note and squashes all the woman’s choices.) Look. Look. It’s a class. You’re new, you’re green. It’s a process (pronounced proh-cess). But let me show you what a more experienced improviser would do. Stand over there. (She places the woman to the side of the stage.) Keep blowing up that palm tree, Benji!... So, I’m putting up a welcome sign near the door and, oh, no, I knocked Benji’s jacket down off the coat rack… See, natural… I pick up the jacket and dust it off, accidentally slip my hand in one of the pockets and what’s this?… I see the note. Benji doesn’t see me see the note. I look at it. I read it. I process my emotions about it. Anger? Hurt?... All very obvious choices. Never go with the obvious choice. The right choice is fear and suppression. I shove the napkin back into his pocket, put the jacket on the hook, turn and smile at Benji…. See, it’s all about relationship. We’re decorating but it’s not about decorating, it’s about relationship. I march over to Benji and knock the palm tree out of his mouth, grab him firmly by the boobs and kiss him. (She does this. If the actress doesn’t think a kiss would work here with the volunteer, she can substitute “nuzzle.” And she should nuzzle the hell out of him.) Benji looks in my eyes and says, “I love you.” (She waits for the volunteer to say, “I love you.”) And “I will never, ever, leave you, Crystal.” (She waits/coaches him through that.) And…scene.

Good job, you two. Good job. So much potential. Have a seat. Great scene. I think this is going to work out. Hey, one last group thing. Everybody back on your feet. Stand up. Hands in. Come on. Hands in. (She sticks her hand out and tries to the best of her ability to do a “hands in” with the audience.) Crystal rocks on three. One-two-three- Crystal rocks! Whoo! I’m hitting the bar across the street. See you over there? I’ll even let you buy me a drink. Okay. Okay. See you over there. Make sure Benji goes!

(Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 185 - "Turkey Fingers"

“Turkey Fingers”
Written by Joe Janes
7/22/09
185 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Nate, 8
Principal Mylie, 40s
Cop, 30s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber, an old-fashioned elementary school teacher in her 60s. Nicely dressed. Very lady like and friendly. She addresses the audience.)

MRS. GRUBER

Children, children, guess what? Nappy time’s over, children. Guess what time it is? Time for arts and crafts. Come on over here and get some paper and crayons. You only need one sheet of paper. Go ahead and sit on the floor. There you go. Everybody share, when you share, you care.

(People from the audience are encouraged to get up and help themselves to paper and crayons and sit on the floor. Of course, there’s lots of room for ad-libbing and calling students by name. One student among the audience is Nate, who joins them.)

NATE

I’m still sleepy Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Now, now, Nathaniel. That’s just the kool-aid talking. Be a good helper and pass out crayons and paper.

NATE

Okay.

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Don’t start drawing, yet. Wait until I give you directions, okay? Now, does anyone know what holiday is coming up? Anybody? It’s a holiday where you get to eat lots of really good yummy food that your mother makes for your family. Sometimes your grandmother helps out, usually by making a pumpkin pie. The men folk watch football on television. That’s right, Thanksgiving…. Now, then, everyone take your hand and place it on the paper with your fingers spread out real wide. Just like this… (She demonstrates) and trace your hand with one of your crayons… Very good. Try to stay close to your fingers…That’s good. Very good. Look at all the little artists…. Hold up your paper and take a look. What does it look like? You know what it looks like to me? A turkey! A naked turkey. Now, we don’t want the turkey to catch a cold, so we better put feathers on him. Use your crayons to make feathers for your turkey. Do a good job. If you do a good job, I’ll put your turkey on the “Good Job” wall…(As the children draw, Mrs. Gruber walks among them making comments and sharing fun facts about Thanksgiving)…

- Turkeys are a very important part of our national heritage. Does anyone know why? Ben Franklin wanted to make the turkey our national bird instead of the eagle. Ben Franklin was stupid.
- Turkeys have feathers and wings but can’t fly. Do you k now why they can’t fly? Because they’re too fat. There’s a lesson there for some of you, isn’t there?
- Does anyone know what a turkey sounds like? Can you make the sound? Tom turkeys make that sound as a mating call. Does anyone know what that means, because you shouldn’t?
- At the first Thanksgiving, they didn’t have a lot of the things that we have at Thanksgiving. They didn’t have any bread, butter, milk, cheese or pumpkin pie. This is why the pilgrims grew to hate the Indians.
- Has anyone ever got the wishbone of the turkey on Thanksgiving? You did? What did you wish for? It’s actually a bone at the top of the turkey’s chest, so when you’re making a wish, it’s like you’re snapping its neck from the inside. Neat-o, hunh?
-
(Mrs. Gruber also picks up different drawings, criticizing them for being good or bad or wall worthy. Principal Mylie enters and stands in the back of the room.)

PRINCIPAL (calmly)

Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Principal Mylie. How nice of you to come visit us. Children, say hello to Principal Mylie.

PRINCIPAL

Hello, children. Mrs. Gruber, the police are outside.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, did they wish to speak to the children about safety? Could they come back tomorrow? Right now, we’re making turkeys. Would you like to make a turkey, Principal Mylie?

PRINICPAL

No. Thank you. Mrs. Gruber, if I don’t come out in a few minutes. They’re going to come in and I can’t be responsible for what they might do to you.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, my, that sounds serious.

PRINICPAL

You can’t just show up at the school and take children away in your station wagon.

MRS. GRUBER

You mean The Learning Mobile. Wasn’t riding in The Learning Mobile fun kids.

NATE

The fumes made me sleepy.

MRS. GRUBER

No, dear. That was the kool-aid.

PRINCIPAL

Mrs. Gruber. Phyllis. The children need to get out of your basement and come back to school. Their parents are worried.

MRS. GRUBER

The kids are safe here. They just woke up from their sleepy time nap and now we’re learning about Thanksgiving.

PRINCIPAL

Phyllis. You’re not a teacher anymore. You retired last year.

MRS. GRUBER

But, I didn’t retire.

PRINICPAL

Not willingly, no. You were retired. By the school board. Look, you really need to let the kids go or the police-

COP (Off, on a bullhorn)

Mrs. Gruber. This is the police. Let the children come out before we come in.

MRS. GRUBER

Children! Back to your seats! Quick! Quick!

(Mrs. Gruber turns out the lights as the kids scramble back to their seats. We hear sounds of a police SWAT team breaking down a door and storming the basement. They have lasers and flashlights on their rifles.)

MRS. GRUBER

My country tis of thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, Of thee I sing- Sing with me children! –

COP

Taser her! Taser her!

MRS. GRUBER (while being tasered)

Land where my fathers died, Land of the pilgrims’ pride, From every mountainside, let freedom ring!!!

(We hear an electric shock. Blackout.)