Written by Joe Janes
11/13/09
299 of 365
CAST
Emily, 20s
Joe, 40s
Mary Cait, 20s
Ed, 20s
Garin, 20s
(Lights up on Emily holding a sign that says “Joe Janes Is A Thief!”)
EMILY
Joe Janes is a thief! Joe Janes is a thief!
(Mary Cait and Ed walk by.)
EMILY (continuing)
Joe Janes is a thief! Are you going to see his show?
MARY CAIT
Yeah.
EMILY
Well, you should know he’s a thief. He steals his ideas from his writing students.
ED
We already have tickets. We got them at a discount.
(They exit.)
EMILY
Enjoy laughing at the sweat and blood of other writers! Stolen sweat! Uncredited blood!
(Joe enters.)
JOE
Emily? Emily what are you doing?
EMILY
Telling the world the truth. That you are a hack. Joe Janes steals all his ideas!
JOE
Keep it down, would you? There’s people inside. Okay, just two, but, they paid for their tickets. What are you talking about? Is this about Suzan-Lori Parks? I’m up front about that.
EMILY
I’m sure she didn’t resort to stealing ideas for her plays.
JOE
Not really plays, per se, but what are you referring to?
EMILY
Okay, well, for one, you wrote a scene about the “R” word.
JOE
You got me. I stole mental retardation and claimed it as my own.
EMILY
Ha, ha. Three months ago, in our writing class, Eduardo wrote a scene about the “R” word. Then last week, I read yours on-line. I find that very interesting.
JOE
Many people have written scenes that deal with the “R” word, even Second City.
EMILY
You also wrote a “Twilight” scene and April wrote a “Twilight” scene.
JOE
I’ve seen or heard over a dozen “Twilight” scenes in the past year. It’s the new Harry Potter for easy parodies.
EMILY
Randall wrote a chariot race scene and then you wrote a scene about a Roman emperor.
JOE
I also ate a Caesar salad. How do you know I didn’t lift the idea from salad dressing?
EMILY
I wrote a tarot card scene.
JOE
I remember and so?
EMILY
And you, all of a sudden, write a Ouija board scene. Very interesting.
JOE
Emily-
(Garin, a shirtless overweight man with his face painted gold and green and carrying a 20oz of beer storms up to them and getting on their faces shouting….)
GARIN
Go Irish! Go Irish! Fuck ya’! Irish! Irish! Irish! Whooo!
(He exits.)
JOE
That was weird.
Emily
Yeah.
JOE
Emily, having a scene that addresses the same or similar topic as another scene doesn’t make it stealing. If that were the criteria for originality, no one would write anything. Break-up scenes, doctor-patient scenes, office scenes, family scenes, they’ve all been done before. All. And if I’m writing 365 scenes, I’m going to cover a lot of the same territory and probably more than once.
EMILY
I understand. So, writing 365 scenes is no big deal if you just rewrite all the scenes you have ever heard or seen.
(Awkward pause.)
JOE
That’s correct. How much for you to leave?
EMILY
Free classes.
JOE
Done.
(They high five. Blackout.)
