Week 51, Day 354 - "Our Man In Accounting"

“Our Man In Accounting”

Written by Joe Janes

1/7/10

354 of 365

Cast:

Garin, 20s

Becky, 30s

Jeremy, 20s

Chrissy, 20s

J. Ben, 20s

Mr. Day, 40s

(Lights up on four office chairs. Garin sits at one upstage right; Becky sits at another downstage left. She is working at her computer. Garin is not. He is keeping an eye on Becky. J. Ben is in the back, downstage left, sorting envelopes into files and folders.)

GARIN

Psssst.

(Becky hears him, but doesn’t look. This has happened before.)

GARIN (continuing)

Psssst….Becky.

BECKY (without looking)

You don’t have to do that.

GARIN

Do what?

BECKY

Make that “psssst” sound. We’re the only two here.

GARIN

J. Ben is here.

BECKY

So? He’s just a temp.

J. BEN

I’m really a rapper.

BECKY

You could just say, “Hey, Becky.”

GARIN

Hey, Becky.

BECKY

What?

GARIN

Jeremy has been in Mr. Day’s office for over an hour. Did you hear the rumor going around?

BECKY

Everyone’s heard about Jeremy, Garin.

GARIN

Everyone?

BECKY

J. Ben?

J. BEN

I knew. Uh, (sort of rapping) Like a chunk of news falling down from the sky, I knew Jeremy was getting pink slipped in the … (He makes a face, obviously frustrated, he looks like he’s going to try again, but gives up and goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

How long have you known?

BECKY

Weeks.

GARIN

Really?... Me, too. Saw it coming.

(Jeremy enters, despondent, and takes a seat at his desk upstage left. He has a stapler sticking out of his coat or shirt pocket.)

JEREMY

I have an announcement!

BECKY

There’s only the two of us, here.

JEREMY (standing)

Oh. I see. Well, there’s something I need to tell you. I would appreciate it if you would pass it along to everyone else.

GARIN

Sure thing, Buddy.

JEREMY

Today is my last day.

BECKY

That’s so horrible, Jeremy. And so sudden.

GARIN

You said you knew.

(Chrissy enters with a Diet Coke.)

BECKY

I didn’t, I thought maybe, but I didn’t-

JEREMY

I was so careful. I can’t believe you saw through my cover.

CHRISSY

Knew what?

JEREMY

You may as well hear this, too, Chrissy.

GARIN

Jeremy got fired.

CHRISSY

Duh?

JEREMY

Fired? I did not get fired. Is that what you think? (beat) That may be the cover story, so, if anyone outside this room asks, then, yes, I got fired.

CHRISSY (sitting at her desk.)

You mean you didn’t get canned? I heard you got canned. I want your stapler. Mine sucks.

JEREMY

You may not have my stapler. (He takes it out of his pocket.) It’s government spyware. I use it to take photographs of secret documents. (He points it at Chrissy and “clicks” it.)

CHRISSY (covering her face)

No. I’m not ready.

JEREMY

And I record phone conversations with my Post-It Note dispenser.

GARIN

Explains why you’re so protective of your stuff.

CHRISSY

Your stapler doesn’t staple? I don’t want it, then.

BECKY

Jeremy, I think you’re just upset.

JEREMY

Upset. Becky, I am a spy. I don’t have emotions. I’m a cold-hearted killer. A CIA operative under deep, deep cover. I have just been called in from the cold. I was never here. I’m not here right now.

GARIN

But-

JEREMY

I’m not here.

CHRISSY

We can see you.

J. BEN

Jeremy told the world he was a spy, something… something… lie. (J. Ben looks satisfied at his ability to bust a rhyme.) Someday I will buy my moms a mansion. (He goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

You’re a spy?

JEREMY

That’s right.

GARIN

Hey, everybody. I’m Walker, Texas Ranger.

CHRISSY

You’re not Chuck Norris.

GARIN

That’s right, Chrissy. Chuck Norris is an actor. He portrayed me on television.

CHRISSY

That makes more sense.

J. BEN

I have a loaded gun in my underwear.

BECKY

Is that a metaphor?

J. BEN (Obviously confused by the question)

All I know is it’s real. It gives me edge.

CHRISSY

I’m pretty!

(Awkward pause.)

JEREMY

Any way. I have worked here, undercover, for eight years. As a matter of national security. But in that time, you people have become like family to me.

GARIN

We hardly know you.

JEREMY

Just like family. I felt I owed you the truth. Garin, you’ve always been like a son to me.

GARIN

I think I’m older than you.

JEREMY

Chrissy, you’re like the stepdaughter I never had and always lusted after.

CHRISSY

That’s so sweet.

JEREMY

And Becky, I’ve always regarded you like a second wife.

BECKY

Divorced or Mormon?

JEREMY

Both. Either. And J. Ben’s like the son I never wanted or acknowledged.

(Mr. Day enters.)

MR. DAY

And what about me, Jeremy?

JEREMY

Mr. Day. I guess you’re like my, my-

MR. DAY

Employer who told you to leave the premises immediately?

JEREMY

Yes, Sir.

MR. DAY

Before I call security.

JEREMY

I was just going to pack my stuff.

MR. DAY

We’ll have that guy (points to J. Ben) do it and ship it to you.

JEREMY

Okay. Well, then. Everyone. It has been nice working with you.

(Jeremy starts to leave. He tries to hug a sitting Becky.)

BECKY

Get off me.

JEREMY

Just like a second wife. Good-bye.

MR. DAY

Good-bye, Jeremy.

(Jeremy hands the stapler to J. Ben and walks off. J. Ben starts to clear out Jeremy’s desk.)

J. BEN

There goes Jeremy, he just lost his job, he says he’s a spy but he’s just a slob. (Pleased with himself) Hey!...Hey!

(Everyone goes back to work. Mr. Day takes the stapler out of J. Ben’s hand.)

MR. DAY

I’ll take that.

(Mr. Day takes the stapler and quickly sneaks a pic of Becky and Chrissy as he exits. Garin sees this.)

GARIN (to Becky)

Pssst! Psssst! Pssst!

(Blackout)

Week 46, Day 320 - "On Fire"

“On Fire”

Written by Joe Janes

12/4/09

320 of 365

Cast

Charlie, 30s

Emmy, 30s

Edie, 40s

Wayne, 50s

(Lights up on Charlie and Emmy sitting at a conference table waiting for others. They exchange glances and shrugs. Edie enters. She stands in the doorway and looks in.)

EDIE

Well. At least I’m not late.

(She enters and sits.)

CHARLIE

You are late.

EDIE

So’s the boss, ergo, not late.

EMMY

He’s been acting strange lately.

CHARLIE

I heard he split with his wife.

EDIE

Jesus, Charlie. You gossip like teenaged girl

CHARLIE

Just saying what I heard.

EDIE

I could be making dials, right now. This better be good. I hate meetings.

EMMY

They make me uncomfortable. Something bad always happens.

(Wayne enters. He is in a business suit with the jacket buttoned. He stands there beaming. His pant legs look baggy and his ears are more than just pierced. His ear lobes are punctured and have those napkin ring-like things in them.)

WAYNE

Hello, motherfuckers.

CHARLIE

Wayne.

EMMY

Mr. Steiner.

EDIE

What did you do to your ears?

WAYNE

My P-Daddy’s! Like it? Pretty hip, right? Cutting edge.

EDIE

Yeah. The latest rage in napkin holders.

WAYNE

I had an epiphany. The kind that’s going to blow this company out of the water.

(He takes off his jacket and throws it over a chair revealing that the waist of his pants is down below his butt.)

CHARLIE

Sounds…great.

EMMY

Looks like you’re ready to crack things wide open. (Whispering to Edie) I said, “crack.”

EDIE

I noticed. Good job.

WAYNE

You know what this company’s been missing? Fire. Fire. A passion for what we do. We all had that passion once, didn’t we? Maybe it was in high school. Maybe it was in college. Maybe we still had it when we hit our 30s, but the heat was starting to cool. Sistahs and bros, my passion was gone. Nothing but a pile of ash. But I met someone who blew on that ash and made a spark appear. Now, I’m on fire again and I want to spread the flames to Barnett and Aquino, Incorporated.

EDIE

We sell hand sanitizer.

WAYNE

We used to sell hand sanitizer. Now, we sell a lifestyle. We sell “cool.”

EMMY

Cool?

WAYNE

Or hip. Or sick. Or rad or whatever you want to call it. We’ve got it and the kids are going to clamor for it. We’ll sponsor indie rock concerts, have a booth at Pitchfork, give to PETA. When a tween or a twenty-something wants to destroy the germs on their hands, they’ll reach for a squirt of us. I want us to do viral videos on the You Tubes.

CHARLIE

A hand sanitizer that’s viral. Nice.

EDIE

Are you fucking around on your wife?

WAYNE

Yes! I totally am! And it is awesome. I have tasted once again the fruit of youth and I want to sing it from the mountaintops. But not do that, exactly, because that would be very nun-like and not very hip. I want to scream it from on top of an abandoned warehouse. I want you all to have a taste of what I’ve had. Smell it on your face and fingers. Live what I have lived and am living. Starting tomorrow, I want everyone to shave their junk!

EDIE

I’m not shaving my junk.

WAYNE

It’s now company policy. You have to.

CHARLIE

I’m afraid to, again. Chafing.

WAYNE

Dare to chafe, Charlie!

(Edie gets up and heads to the door.)

EDIE

Delores is my friend. I can’t stand by and witness this train wreck.

WAYNE

You call it a train wreck, Edie; I call it a beautiful, burning sensation.

EDIE

Does Delores know you’ve been fucking some teenaged bimbo?

WAYNE

Epiphany is nineteen. An adult. A consenting adult.

CHARLIE

An adult you can’t take to a bar.

EMMY

You really did have an epiphany.

WAYNE

And we connect. We’re soul mates. We even got matching tattoos. The Chinese symbol for “flame” right at the base of the spine.

EDIE

Shave there, too, Wayne?

WAYNE

You know what, Edie? You and women your age are just jealous. You’ve got realize that just because you’re in your 50s-

EDIE

40s.

WAYNE

Whatever, that doesn’t mean you have to be so old. And tired. All the women I meet my age look like they need a nap.

EDIE

Because we do. We have kids, we have jobs and we have asshole husbands. And you need to learn that sticking your dick in an adolescent ain’t the fountain of youth. You’re not going to be able to keep up and she’s not going to wait for grandpa to catch up. You look pathetic, not cool. (She grabs his waistband and pulls his pants up.)

WAYNE

Ow!

EDIE

I have dials to make.

(She exits.)

WAYNE

You still have to shave your junk.

CHARLIE

I’m with you man. Getting older doesn’t mean you have to get old. I’m going straight home to take another whack at manscaping.

WAYNE

Lots of baby powder.

EMMY

Try Nair.

CHARLIE

Good idea. I’ll use my wife’s.

(He exits.)

WAYNE

Emmy, you don’t think I’ve lost touch, do you? I feel more in touch than ever.

EMMY

I don’t like how you got it, but I like the new surge in energy.

WAYNE

That’s what I’m talking about.

(She exits. Wayne puts his jacket back on. He’s about to go out the door, but readjusts his pants so the belt is father than it was before, almost to his knees.)

WAYNE

I am on fire!

(Lights fade as he exits.)

Week 44, Day 308 - "Kick The Can"

“Kick The Can”

Written by Joe Janes

11/22/09

308 of 365

Cast:

Holly, 30s

Duncan, 40s

(Lights up on Duncan, a middle-aged businessman, under a table, hunched down on the floor stacking what appears to be papers. Next to him is a cardboard cigar box. Holly, a middle-aged businesswoman, enters. She has a red mark on her hand. He doesn’t notice. She clears her throat.)

DUNCAN (rising)

Holly Langford! It’s nice to finally meet you.

(Holly reaches out her hand to shake his. He bypasses her hand and punches her on the upper arm in a friendly way.)

HOLLY

Nice too finally meet you, too, Mr. Burris.

DUNCAN

Call me Duncan. Everybody calls me Duncan. Have a seat.

(Holly looks around and doesn’t see any chairs.)

DUNCAN (continuing)

Right here, silly. Under the table.

(He crawls under the table and pats the floor next to him. She reluctantly joins him.)

HOLLY

Being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company must be very stressful…

DUNCAN

I wanted to become a pirate, but Harvard wouldn’t let me declare that as a major.

HOLLY (looking through stack of papers)

Comic books.

DUNCAN

I think it’s important to have hobbies. Do you have a hobby?

HOLLY

I collect Hummels.

DUNCAN

You collect telescopes!

HOLLY

Uh, no. Little figurines.

DUNCAN

Oh, right. You’re a girl.

(Holly picks up something not a comic book.)

HOLLY

Victoria’s Secret?

DUNCAN (grabbing it from her)

Oh, sheesh! Ha! Those guys!

(Duncan picks up the cigar box.)

DUNCAN

Cigar?

HOLLY

No, thank you.

DUNCAN

Mind?

HOLLY

Go right ahead.

(Duncan pulls a pretzel rod out of the cigar box and pretends to light it and blow a smoke ring.)

DUNCAN

Shhh. They’re Cuban. Drink?

HOLLY

I’m not sure.

DUNCAN

I usually take a little snort of scotch this time of day.

HOLLY

Okay.

(Duncan pulls out a small can of chocolate syrup makes two openings in it with a church key. He takes a sip and hands it to her.)

DUNCAN

Single malt.

HOLLY

Thanks.

(Holly takes a small sip and forces a quick smile after.)

DUNCAN

Have some more.

HOLLY

Oh, no. Goes right to my head.

DUNCAN

Lightweight. (Duncan takes a big swig, crawls out and grabs her file from his desk.) Holly, I didn’t ask you here to just drink and smoke and discuss comic books.

HOLLY

I didn’t think so.

DUNCAN

Really? Oh. I’ve been looking over your executive performance review.

HOLLY

Good things, I hope.

DUNCAN

Very good things. Hard worker, strong leadership, keen manager. Not bad for dumb ol’ girl.

HOLLY

Does this mean I’m in line for a promotion?

DUNCAN

Oh, we’ve got lots of goodies lined up for you, Holly. New position, new office, company car and expense account. $20,000 raise. And a perpetually bowl of M & Ms on your desk, but only in the colors you like best. I have green. Would you like us to give you something like that?

HOLLY

Yes, Duncan. Yes, I would.

DUNCAN

Great. Great. I’d like to give it to you.

HOLLY

But…?

DUNCAN

Well, I can’t just hand these opportunities out to every qualified candidate that crosses my path. There’s something you have to do for me first.

HOLLY

Oh.

DUNCAN

Promotions aren’t just handed out willy-nilly. I just need a teensy favor.

HOLLY

What would you like me to do?

DUNCAN

Something special. Something only you can do. Something that really shows your loyalty to the company. To me. Do we understand each other?

HOLLY

You want me…to..show you…my…boobies?

(Duncan grabs a comic book and covers his crotch.)

DUNCAN

Oh! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. Wow! No one’s ever tried to do that before!

HOLLY

What have other people done?

DUNCAN

Everybody does something different. Tate snorted a bowl of lime jell-o through a straw. Nystrom pulled his eyelids inside out. Linstroth is double-jointed and can pull his thumb back to touch his forearm. Don’t you do anything cool like that?

HOLLY

No. I don’t. I’ve never done anything like that. Does that mean I don’t get the promotion?

DUNCAN

Well, I just want to be fair. Everyone else did something. I’m sorry, Holly. If you think of something, though, let me know.

(Holly walks to the door.)

HOLLY

Is it because I’m girl?

DUNCAN

What? No! Clarisse in marketing got a promotion.

HOLLY

Really? Little tiny demure Clarisse? What did she do?

DUNCAN

She painted a face on her belly button and made it tell a joke about a nun with one leg. The joke wasn’t very funny, but she did it in a pirate voice.

HOLLY

I don’t know any jokes, either.

DUNCAN

I don’t know any nuns with one leg.

HOLLY

I guess I’m not cut out for this. (She grabs the doorknob and notices the mark on her hand.) Would you like to see my scab?

DUNCAN

Yah. (She shows him.) Cool. How’d you get it?

HOLLY

I burned myself.

DUNCAN

With a candle? Like G. Gordon Liddy?

HOLLY

With a curling iron. Like a girl.

DUNCAN

That is one of the most awesome scabs I have ever seen.

HOLLY

Thank you.

DUNCAN

Can I pick it?

HOLLY

Pick it?

DUNCAN

Yeah. I want to peel it off. Please, oh, please, oh, please.

HOLLY

Company car, eh?

(Duncan nods. She holds her hand out to him. He peels off the scab with glee.)

HOLLY

Guess I’m now worthy of a promotion, right?

DUNCAN

Almost. (He holds the scab out to her.) Eat it.

(Blackout.)

Week 43, Day 298 - "Staying Up Late"

“Staying Up Late”

Written by Joe Janes

11/12/09

298 of 365

Cast:

Keith, 30s

Larry, 30s

(Lights up on Keith sitting at the far end of his living room sofa watching TV late at night. It is something that might be on The Food Network. He keeps nodding off. Larry wanders in having wakened from the noise of the TV.)

LARRY

Keith…Keith…

(Larry picks up the remote and turns off the TV.)

KEITH

Hey, I was watching that.

LARRY

It’s late. I’m trying to sleep.

KEITH

Too bad, Larry.

LARRY

I have to work in the morning and so do you.

KEITH

Actually, I don’t have to work in the morning so I am staying up late. Your normal Thursday night is like my bonus extra wild Friday night. I found out this afternoon. Some guy in accounting died or something. I just started a month ago. I didn’t even know him. But we all get tomorrow off. I feel bad for him, but look at this silver lining. I don’t have to be in bed by 10pm to get up and get to work on time. So, I’m taking advantage of it. After you hit the sack, I drank a beer. I ate a bag of potato chips. A whole bag. I’ve been watching stuff I don’t get to watch during prime time. I am celebrating my freedom.

LARRY

By falling asleep with the television on.

KEITH

I was just resting my eyes.

LARRY

What were you watching?

KEITH

Something with boobs in it.

(Larry turns the TV back on. We clearly hear Alton Brown talking excitedly about some spice, like cinnamon. Larry turns it back off.)

LARRY

Go to bed.

(Larry exits. Keith turns the TV back on. He turns the channel a few times until we hear something that sounds like porn music. He smiles and tries to watch, but dozes off. Lights fade.)

Week 41, Day 287 - "Procrastination"

“Procrastination”

Written by Joe Janes

11/1/09

287 of 365

Cast:

Kyle, 20s

Ted, 40s

(Lights up on Kyle, sitting at his desk doing nothing. Ted enters with papers.)

TED

Here’s that spreadsheet, Kyle. I need it on my desk by 5pm.

KYLE

You’ve got it.

(Kyle takes the spreadsheet and sets it on his desk and continues to do nothing. Ted walks away, but turns before he exits.)

TED

Everything okay, Kyle?

KYLE

Oh, just fine, Ted. Thank you for asking.

(Pause)

TED

I mentioned I needed that spreadsheet by 5 o’clock, didn’t I?

KYLE

Just like you always do.

TED

Then maybe you could start working on it.

KYLE

Well, I would, but I figured something out.

TED

What’s that?

KYLE

Normally, here’s what I would do. You hand me a spreadsheet to work on and I would immediately start to work. After about fifteen minutes, I’d think, “Gee, I’d be a lot sharper on this spreadsheet if I had a cup of joe.” So, I go to the break room and get a cup. Then, I see the newspapers in there and figure, gotta keep up on what’s happening in the world. Clearly, the company wants me to keep up on the news, or they wouldn’t subscribe to these rags and leave them here. They’re not just for coupons. Although, I do also look through them for coupons. And there are three papers, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times and USA Today. By the time I slug my through them all, it’s time for another cup of coffee. I hate old coffee, so I brew a fresh pot and go around and let everyone on the floor know I’m making a fresh pot because I can’t drink it all myself. When I come back, the coffee’s done. I pour myself another cup and head back to the desk. I pass Cassie’s desk on the way and check in with her to see how her dad’s doing. His health is, you know. I want to show my concern because she wears low-cut blouses. When I get back to my desk, I review what I’ve done so far on the spreadsheet. Then it’s time for lunch. I take an early lunch to avoid lines in the cafeteria. The IT guys do that, too. Lunch usually takes me about an hour and half because we talk Everquest and Second Life. They give me great tips. After lunch, I come back here, check my voice-mail, e-mail, mail-mail, Facebook and Twitter – next thing you know, it’s four o’clock and I haven’t even called my wife yet to see how she’s doing and what our plans are for dinner. I review what I did on the spreadsheet, get a little more work done, and the next thing you know, nature calls and it’s time to go camping. I go back to the break room and grab the crossword puzzle from USA Today, which, on three days out of the week, is surprisingly difficult. Eventually, I make it back to my desk sometime before 5pm, look at the spreadsheet, again, and then call you and tell you there’s no way I can get this thing done by 5pm. I mean, I could, but I’d rush it and it wouldn’t meet company standards and you wouldn’t want that. So, I tell you I’ll come in early tomorrow to get a leg up on it and have it on your desk by 9am. I mean, really, what’s it matter if you get it at 5pm today or 9am tomorrow? After you reluctantly agree, I check my e-mail, again and go home. Now, you know and I know there’s no way in hell I’m going to be in here before 9am. I don’t even roll out of bed until 8. I’ll rush in around 9:30am mumbling about the horrible traffic then I’d hunker down, work on that spreadsheet and get it on your desk around 10:30am.

TED

Wow. That is what you usually do.

KYLE

I know. Wild, isn’t it? So, I’m trying to be more efficient by telling you exactly what’s going to happen instead of pretending.

TED

How is that more efficient?

KYLE

Well, I’m not expending any energy lying to you or myself. So, I’ll tell you right now, you’ll get this tomorrow by 10:30am.

TED

How much actual time to you think you take working on the spreadsheet?

KYLE

Total?

TED

All in all, 45 minutes.

KYLE

Tell you what, then. I don’t need that spreadsheet by 5pm. I need it in 45 minutes. Okay?

TED

Sure. Sure thing.

(Ted exits as Kyle gets to work on the spreadsheet. Before Ted exits, Kyle mutters under his breath…)

TED (continuing)

Slave driver.

(Blackout)