Week 36, Day 252- "Three Bags Full"

“Three Bags Full”

Written by Joe Janes

9/27/09

252 of 365

CAST:

Matt, 50s

Brian, 40s

Stephen, 30s

Meme, 20s

Sharla, 20s

Bartender

(Lights up on Meme sitting at a small table sipping a drink. Sitting next to her is her friend, a heavyset woman named Sharla. Matt, Brian, And David enter. They all wear untucked striped dress shirts. They all see Meme and move towards her as one.)

MATT

Hey, there, little Filly.

BRIAN

What are you doing later?

STEPHEN

Let’s blow this popsicle stand.

(She tries to ignore them.)

MATT

I drive a big car.

BRIAN

I make lots of moo-la.

STEPHEN

Say –

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

That’s a hot outfit.

MATT

The only thing that would make it look better would be not seeing it at all.

BRIAN

I’m really quite sensitive,

STEPHEN

My woman doesn’t understand me.

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I was bit by a dog when I was four.

MATT

You really turn me on.

BRIAN

Say-

STEPHEN

That perfume you’re wearing-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I might just lose control.

MATT

What’s this in my Coke?

BRIAN

Relax-

STEPHEN

Baby-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I’m not going to bite. Yet.

MATT

Let’s go to my place.

BRIAN

My parents are out of town.

STEPHEN

I think I might be gay.

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Will you help me?

MATT

You’d like me if you got to know me better.

BRIAN

Everyday, I’m either giving blood-

STEPHEN

Recycling-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Humping the homeless.

MATT

Saving the rainforests.

BRIAN

The ozone.

STEPHEN

The whales.

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Well, not all the whales.

(They simultaneously all turn and look at Sharla.)

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN (continuing)

I like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Michael Booooo-blay. I like running marathons, biking the drive, and cleaning my oven.

MATT

Deep down-

BRIAN

Underneath-

STEPHEN

Buried deep beneath several layers of fat-

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

I’m really very intuitive to what a woman needs. (They all three stick out their tongues and lap at a giant, imaginary vagina.) I really just want to get to know you better.

MEME (standing)

You’re pathetic. If you ever want to get anywhere with me physically, you first have to get somewhere with me mentally. You have to sincerely be interested in who I am... unless, of course, I’m drunk.

(She exits.)

MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN

Can we buy you a drink?

(She does not respond.)

BARTENDER (offstage)

Last call!

(They turn their attention to Sharla.)

MATT

Hey, there, little Filly.

BRIAN

What are you doing later?

STEPHEN

Let’s blow this popsicle stand.

(Blackout.)

Week 33, Day 227 - “I Love 2 Boogie”

“I Love 2 Boogie”

Written by Joe Janes

9/2/09

227 of 365

CAST

Nat, 30s

Keisha, 30s

Jesse, 50s

Suzy, 20s

Donald Trump, 60s

(Lights up on Nat sitting at a table in a bar. Off to the side is Jesse, the bartender. Suzie the server is at the jukebox, flipping through CDs. Nat looks worried. He leans into his drink. Keisha enters.)

NAT (standing)

Keisha.

(Keisha looks around and delicately steps towards Nat.)

KEISHA

Hello, Nat.

NAT

Thanks for meeting me.

(Keisha takes a pair of sunglasses out of her purse and hands them to Nat.)

KEISHA

Here are your prescription sunglasses.

NAT

Thanks. I’ve been looking for them all week.

KEISHA

Interesting how I happened to find them on my kitchen counter this morning when I’m quite sure they weren’t there yesterday.

NAT

Blue car.

KEISHA

What?

NAT

You know, you buy a blue car and then all of sudden you see blue cars all over the place. You probably didn’t see the sunglasses because you weren’t looking for them until I asked you to.

KEISHA

Right. Okay. I’ll be on my way-

NAT

Can I buy you a drink?

KEISHA

I need to get back to work.

NAT

I just think you’re calling this too soon.

KEISHA

Nat. I told you, I know what I’m looking for.

NAT

And I’m not it.

(Keisha shrugs.)

KEISHA

I feel like I gave you a chance.

NAT

We only went out three times.

KEISHA

Which is plenty of times to see if I want to go out on a fourth. Really, Nat, what could I find out about you on a fourth date that I don’t already know?

NAT

I’m rich.

KEISHA (skeptical)

You’re rich?

NAT

Independently wealthy.

KEISHA

I paid for dinner last time.

NAT

They didn’t take credit cards. I should have had my secretary check. Who doesn’t take credit cards any more?

KEISHA

I find it a little bit difficult to believe you’re independently wealthy.

JESSE

Oh, he’s rich. Owns most of this block. Including Trump Tower.

KEISHA

I thought Donald Trump owned Trump Tower.

NAT

I own Donald Trump. Bought him ten years ago. He does my laundry.

KEISHA

Okay. You own Donald Trump. Money isn’t everything. I’m doing fine for myself.

NAT

I’m the world’s greatest lover.

KEISHA

You drool when you kiss.

NAT

It takes me awhile, but my lips will adapt to what you most want them to do. They just do it. I don’t even try. We should have it down in about fourteen more lip locks.

JESSE

No need to take his word for it. Suzy?

SUZY

Nat is an enthusiastic and generous lover.

JESSE

The ladies call him The Hunchback.

SUZY

Because his bells are well hung.

(Jesse grabs Suzy and humps against her.)

JESSE

The bells! The bells! The bells!

SUZY

Oh! Oh! Oh!

JESSE (breaking off)

Of course, I pale in comparison.

(Keisha looks at Nat.)

NAT (sheepishly)

I have a reputation.

KEISHA

You’re all of a sudden rich and good in the sack.

NAT

“Great” in the sack, apparently.

KEISHA

I’m going to have to think about this.

(Keisha gets up and walks off. She gets as far as the door.)

NAT (standing)

Wait!

(She stops.)

NAT (continuing)

There’s one more thing I have to tell you about me.

(She turns.)

NAT (continuing)

I love to boogie.

(Suzy smacks the jukebox. A boogie tune starts playing. Nat dances towards Keisha, takes her by the hand and has his way with her “dance-wise.” They end with a flourish. She grabs him and kisses him for a long, enthusiastic tongue wrassle. They stop. She smiles and wipes off her mouth.)

KEISHA

Thirteen more to go!

(They kiss again. Jesse and Suzy cheer. Donald Trump enters with a laundry basket filled with clean, folded clothes. He drops them near Nat, shakes his head and walks off. Blackout.)

Week Two, Day Nine - "Better Than Money"

“Better Than Money”
Written by Joe Janes
1/27/09
9 of 365

CAST:
Louis, 50s
Mannie, 50s
Tobey, 60s

(Lights up on a dive bar. Louis, a little stocky, is restocking bottles of beer into a cooler. The Buscemi-like Mannie sits at the end of the bar nursing a beer. A bar stool or two down from him is Tobey, who wears her graying hair up in a beehive. It’s present day, but if you went by the way they were dressed you might think they were a few decades behind.)

LOUIS

Sure are nursing the hell out of that beer, Mannie.

MANNIE

Yep. Yep. I guess I am.

TOBEY

Wants to make sure he tastes every drop, right, Mannie?

MANNIE

Ha. That’s a funny one, Tobey.

TOBEY

Who can blame him since you raised your prices a buck?

LOUIS

Hey, times are tough. And I ain’t raised my prices in ten years. I was due.

MANNIE

Sure. Sure. You was due. No one can blame you. My wife is blaming you. She’s pissed.

LOUIS

I raise my prices and Estelle is pissed. Estelle never steps foot in here.

MANNIE

I know. I know. Women, right?

TOBEY

Estelle controls the purse strings.

MANNIE

I have a weekly beer budget.

LOUIS

The old lady put you on a monthly beer budget? Ain’t that something? I feel honored that my bar is a budget item.

MANNIE

Yeah, that’s something. It is. Thing is, your prices went up at exactly the same time my beer budget went down.

TOBEY

Estelle cut your beer bucks? No way.

MANNIE

20% budget cut all across the board. We have to pay less on everything. Groceries, movies, cable, prescription medicine. Everything.

LOUIS

Pains me to hear that, Mannie. You didn’t hear it from me, but you drinking less, probably a good thing.

MANNIE

I getcha. I getcha. (Finishes beer) How much do I owe you?

LOUIS

Four bucks.

MANNIE

Okay. Okay. Um, here.

(Mannie lays down three one-dollar bills and a coupon-looking piece of paper)

TOBEY

What the hell is that?

MANNIE

It’s money.

LOUIS

No, it ain’t.

MANNIE

It’s as good as money.

LOUIS

“Good for one hug.” This a joke?

MANNIE

I’m good for it, Louis. (Pause) Just hear me out.

LOUIS

I listen better with money in my hand.

MANNIE

If I pay you another dollar, a real dollar, I won’t be able to tip or pay for another beer.

LOUIS

You’re really making me cry, here, Mannie.

MANNIE

If I can’t pay for another beer, then I have to go home. Don’t make me go home, Louis. To Estelle. To the TV. To the…talking.

LOUIS

And you think a hug from you is worth a dollar? The bank don’t take hugs.

MANNIE

Well, if you don’t want a hug. I have other things. (Flips through coupons) 10-Minute back rub, foot massage, a big smooch-

LOUIS (snatching stack)

What the hell are these?

MANNIE

My money!

LOUIS

It ain’t money. (Reads one) They’re “love” coupons.

TOBEY
Love coupons?

MANNIE

I bought ‘em for Estelle a few years ago on A Valentine’s Day. To spice up our marriage. Didn’t work, but I thought they might make for good barter.

LOUIS

This is what you bring to barter?

MANNIE

Had to be something Estelle wouldn’t miss. She won’t miss these.

TOBEY

They’re sweet. Estelle didn’t use any?

MANNIE

She used one. “Romantic Dinner for Two.” She made me take her to Olive Garden.

TOBEY (sincerely)

The gal’s got class.

LOUIS

A relaxing bubble bath?

MANNIE

Sure, why not? You come over and I’ll make you a bubble bath. Nice one. Hot, but not too hot. Estelle’s got these things called bath bombs. They’re fizzy.

LOUIS

If I wanted to take a bubble bath, I’d do it at home.

TOBEY

Really?

LOUIS

Well, you know, I’d have to clean the tub first. Maybe use laundry detergent for the bubbles.

TOBEY

Let me see that one…(Louis hands Tobey one). Louis, I would like to buy this one from you for one dollar.

LOUIS

Make it a buck fifty.

TOBEY (rolling eyes)

Fine.

(She pays him)

MANNIE

Thanks, Tobey.

TOBEY

Shut up and give me a hug, Mannie. (Mannie walks over to Tobey. She hands him the coupon and he hugs her in a very tender, non-sexual way. Both are moved by this.) That was worth a buck fifty, Louis. You should try one.

MANNIE

When was the last time anyone gave you a hug, Louis?

LOUIS

Never you mind.

MANNIE

Can I get another beer?

LOUIS

Only if you pay first. (Mannie counts out four dollars on the bar. Louis pushes one of the dollars back and picks up one of the coupons. He pours Mannie a beer) Been a long time since I had a hug. Been even longer since I had a foot massage.

(Lights fade)