Written by Joe Janes
7/16/09
179 of 365
(Based on a premise by Val d'Orito and title suggested by Blair Bogin)
CAST:
Valerie, 20s
William, 20s
Homeless Guy, 50s
(Lights up on Valerie sitting on a park bench nibbling at a sandwich, but clearly having something weighing on her mind. Off behind her is a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage can. William enters, carrying his brown bag lunch. He kisses Valerie on the cheek and sits down.)
WILLIAM
Sorry, I’m late. The Monday morning staff meeting went longer than it was supposed to, or needed to. (Valerie doesn’t respond.) How are things going at the brokerage firm?VALERIE
Oh, you know…WILLIAM
What’s wrong, Valerie?VALERIE
Blair didn’t come in to work today.WILLIAM
Oh. Everything all right?VALERIE
She got ruffied over the weekend.WILLIAM
That’s horrible. Did she know the guy?VALERIE
I didn’t get the details. William, do you know anyone who’s been ruffied?WILLIAM
Not really. In college, I heard about-VALERIE
Six of my friends have been ruffied. And now Blair makes seven.WILLIAM
It’s a fucked up world. VALERIE
What’s wrong with me?WILLIAM
Nothing. You’re perfect.VALERIE
You’re just saying that because you love me.WILLIAM
Sorry.VALERIE
Am I not pretty enough? I know I’m conventionally pretty.WILLIAM
Valerie… VALERIE
Maybe it’s not all about looks, though. Maybe I’m too easy. If a guy thinks he can get somewhere with you, he’s not going to waste a ruffie on you.WILLIAM
I’m sure Blair would be happy to trade places with you.VALERIE
Fine with me, but the guy who ruffied her would obviously be disappointed.WILLIAM
I’m sorry you’re not more attractive to douche bags.VALERIE
You don’t know what it’s like. WILLIAM
You’re right; I don’t know what it’s like to want to be molested.VALERIE
William, I don’t want to be molested. It’s just that, I’ve never been molested. No creepy relative, no over attentive teacher or clergy. No sloppy, pathetic gropes from a nightclub drunk. Not even a closet lesbian college roommate. Jesus Christ, it can mess with a girl. I’ve never even been rubbed up against on a crowded train.WILLIAM
Really? Sheesh, even I’ve had that happen.VALERIE
Man or woman?WILLIAM
Both. Same train ride.VALERIE
I feel like a virgin that should be tossed into a volcano.WILLIAM
Would you like me to rub up against you?VALERIE
You don’t count. WILLIAM
Thanks.VALERIE
I want someone to find me so viscerally physically hot they can’t stand it. They just have to touch me. You know me too well. You like me for lots of different reasons. I want to know that I’m so smoking hot it makes someone go into heat and do stupid things, like whip it out on the bus and risk getting kicked off or arrested.WILLIAM
You really want something like that?VALERIE
At least once. It’s kind of a compliment.(William sets his lunch down on the bench and Valerie continues to stare out. He whispers to the homeless guy who nods his head. The homeless guy walks up behind Valerie and sets his junk on her shoulder.)
VALERIE (continuing)
That is so sweet.(William tries to give the man some money, but he waves him off.)
HOMELESS GUY
It’s on me. VALERIE (noticing it’s not William and jumping up)
Ew!(Blackout)
