Friday, October 31, 2008

Bed Hunter

Okay, time to start looking for a bed. That is what I will be trying to squeeze into my day today. I have been looking at a lot of stuff on-line, but don't feel comfortable ordering my primary body storage unit based on a picture. It just seems like something I have to see for myself and try out for myself. A picture just doesn't convey how the bed is going to feel. Or if the handcuffs will hold.

Also trying to figure out if I want a basic wood frame, metal frame, combo, platform or even a day bed. I know, I know. A day bed? Some aren't so foo-foo that they only seem complete when piled up with stuffed animals. Some look like something Nemo might use in his captain's quarters on the Nautilus. Keeping the cuddly stuffed octopus in the trundle.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Vietnam has suspended its plan to ban drivers who are what?"

57% said "angry"
- Hard to gauge. Can't tell who's angry and who's a white guy acting out an Asian stereotype.

43% said "drunk"
- They're too angry to drink.

No one said "tourists"

And no one picked the correct answer "small-chested"

According to The Associated Press, faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam's Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers.

The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes .

When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts.

Not sure where they are coming from on this. Larger chested people have built-in air bags?

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Amateur Sneezer

I have a lot of experience sneezing. Sometimes, I even like it. I really thought I had it down. Yesterday, I somehow bit the side of my tongue while sneezing. Not sure how I so grossly miscalculated my tongue-to-teeth placement while forcefully expelling air. First bit of meat I've tasted in twenty years. It has not swayed me from being a vegetarian. If I sneeze again and happen to be int he kitchen, I'll take a swig of teriyaki sauce first.


Nathan Janes, cousin and kick ass political artist, has a new piece...

According to the Pop Arf press release accompanying the announcement...

Janes says that he was moved to complete the painting as the crisis in Tibet has continued to exist for several decades with very little response from foreign governments, even in light of the recent Olympic Games held in Beijing. "Many people may have forgotten that Tibetan culture is being purposefully destroyed by the practices and policies of China and that Tibetan monks still go missing today." Janes fears that if citizens of the world are not cognizant of the issue, then the United States and other countries will continue to go silent due to China's role as an major economic player in the world market.

There's something about the vacant look in the eye of the dog that speaks to the pain and resignation happening in that country. And Nate is right, if the super powers of the world weren't up to their asses in debt to China, we'd be all over them on this.


I cannot wait. I am sick of this election. I get it. I know who I want. Let's go. The only fun I get is watching McCain's panicky scatter shot "try anything" approach to campaigning. His latest has been to actually have Joe the Plumber (who isn't a licensed plumber) at rallies, parading him out like a sports team mascot shooting McCain-Palin t-shirts out of a cannon at the crowd. Sure. Why not? He's already spoken more to the press than the GOP ticket.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Carla, an angelfish at the London Aquarium, recently underwent an operation for what?"

50% said "scaly skin"
- You know what's good for that? Secrete some fish oil on it.

25% said "a throat polyp"
- Didn't read the warnings on that pack of cigarettes.

No one said "a cold"
- No sneezing and lopping off pieces of tongue for Carla.

25% got it right with "a hernia"

According to The Sun, Carla the angelfish has a life-saving op — to cure a hernia. The 10-in long creature was anaesthetised before vet Sue Thornton used a scalpel, needle and forceps to repair the hole. Water was pumped through her body and over her gills so she could breathe during the 30-minute, £500 procedure. She has now fully recovered. James Oliver of London Aquarium, where Carla has lived for 10 years, said: “I guess it’s a bit extreme to operate on a small tropical fish, but she’s almost family.”

Sue, who had two helpers, was called in after organs started to squeeze out Carla’s side. She said: “I’m thrilled she survived.”

The two helpers aren't. They had sushi rice boiling in the other room, just in case things didn't work out.

How did Carla even get a hernia? Nobody told her that the lid on the treasure chest would open on its own if you just wait for it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Believe...

...artistic directors need to direct artistically. Make choices based on vision, mission and instinct. Marketing doesn't dictate the art in order to make marketing easier.

...that it is awesome the CTA will haul my ass across town for two bucks. Cheaper than dealing with a car and I get a lot of reading and work done. But I would gladly pay them $2.50 if they ran on time, kept the trains and buses safe and clean, and kept their station and bus staff happier than their executives. $3 if they can also figure out a way to have pretty ladies take the empty seat next to me instead of the usual big burly men who smell like Old Spice and farts.

...that my heart belongs to failing art forms. Oh, sure, I'll poop out that short wacky video, if you like, and show you the Emmy I accidentally broke by dropping it in a box of kitty litter, and I would drop everything if anyone in NY or LA said "Come. We have a well-paying job for you." but my heart belongs to Old Time Radio and theater. I feel like I arrived fifty years late to a party.

...that I am really enjoying watching the Republican Party eat itself. McCain is a maverick. And that's admirable, but also the problem. Mavericks aren't team players or team leaders. Mavericks buck the system, not become the system.

...I don't get litter. What fires off in someone's brain that says, "Okay, I'm done with my thirty-two ounces of caramel-colored artificially-flavored corn syrup bubbly water. I guess the thing to do now is open my hand and let the cup fall to the ground or floor of the bus."? I'm sure there's some deeper psychological anger/entitlement thing going on with people where litter is their way to say "Fuck you!" to the world. If you want respect, you have to be respectful. Treat the world like a trash bin and you'll be treated like a trash bin. Litterally.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman were arrested for plotting a crime spree that was to end with them wearing white tuxedoes and top hats while doing what?"

10% said "voting for McCain"
- Thank God the police stopped them!

No one said "bitch-slapping Biden" or "hunting Palin"

90% got it right with "shooting at Obama"

According to The Smoking Gun, according to a court affidavit sworn out by a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives agent, Daniel Cowart, 20, and Paul Schlesselman, 18, began discussing the murder plot after meeting online about a month ago. In the ATF affidavit, Cowart and Schlesselman "discussed the killing spree to include targeting a predominately African-American school, going state to state while robbing individuals and continuing to kill people." The pair's "final act of violence" would be an attempt to kill Obama, the Democratic presidential nominee. In separate interviews with investigators, the men said that they planned to speed their vehicle toward Obama while "shooting at him from the windows." Apparently befitting the historic assault, Cowart and Schlesselman "stated they would dress in all white tuxedos and wear top hats during the assassination attempt."

They were almost ready to run with this plan. Here's Cowart's mom putting the finishing touches on their top hats.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Gorilla Pop

Robot vs Dinosaur did our last show at Gorilla Tango in Wicker Park and are mounting our new show, Are You There God? It's Me, Satan in the same venue this Friday. Gorilla Tango is a small storefront theater run by newlywed couple, Dan and Kelly. GT makes its bread and butter renting to transient theater companies, mostly budding young comedy groups.What makes GT different, is that they do, from time-to-time, attract theater companies doing plays that stray from longform improv or the sketch revue format. It really is an omnibus of theater. Dan and Kelly will also produce a few shows a year themselves and they are looking for plays.

So, listen up writers. Here's their listing over at Chicago Plays...


Gorilla Tango Theatre

Playwrights are invited to submit original 60-90 minute plays for consideration to be produced by Gorilla Tango Theatre ( in 2009. Guidelines: 1) Plays should be written by a present day or one-time Chicagoland resident. 2) Plays should deal with some aspect of living in Chicago, the Chicago experience, or what it means to be a Chicagoan (etc). 3) Plays should be sent in electronic format only (ie as a pdf or word attachment); links to plays will also be accepted. Submit plays to Hard copies will not be accepted. 4) Please include a brief author bio. Plays must be received by November 1, 2008. Please contact Kelly Williams at with questions.

Job Posted On:




Contact Name:

Kelly Williams

The Chicago angle is new. Last year, they were open to any ol' submission and they got flooded. They wanted to narrow the parameters a bit to reduce the numbers and make sure they were able to consider all the submissions.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Dennis Klermund no longer works at the Del Taco restaurant in Lakewood, Colorado after a couple found what in their bag of tacos?"

10% said "dead mouse"
- How could they tell?

9% said "finger nails"
- They were colorful Lee Press-on Nails, so, why complain?

No one went for "cash from the register"
- Probably because anyone getting carry out at Del Taco ain't going to tell anyone.

81% got it right with "marijuana"

According to The Associated Press, a Colorado couple found an unusual topping on their order of tacos: a small bag of marijuana.

They discovered the drugs with their order from a Del Taco restaurant and called police, said Lakewood police spokesman Steve Davis.

Twenty-six-year-old Dennis Klermund, who police say waited on the husband when he picked up food Oct. 16, faces charges of possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Klermund initially denied any knowledge but admitted the bag was meant for a friend after a search dog found more marijuana in a locker, police said.

I think Dennis has learned an important lesson here. Pot, then Mexican food. Not pot with Mexican food. If you are going to mix, get the soft shells tacos for easier rolling.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Let's Be Clear About This...




On Friday, I asked...

" did a poll on who America thought was the best movie president ever. Who won?"

18% said "Morgan Freeman in "Deep Impact""
- Let's face it, America isn't ready for a black president who is going to be tested by a giant asteroid.

16% said "Bill Pullman in "Independence Day""
- The dude didn't even know the truth about Area 51. I want a president who regularly meets with aliens.

8% said "Terry Crews in "Idiocracy""
- Gets my vote. He ranked number 15.

58% got it right with "Harrison Ford in "Air Force One""

According to, Harrison Ford is the man America would want in the Oval Office, or on Air Force One, in a crisis. President James Marshall. His platform? Never negotiate with terrorists -- even if they've hijacked Air Force One and are holding your family hostage. Instead, simply take a cue from Bruce Willis in 'Die Hard' and pick your captors apart piece by piece. See, the "zero tolerance" policy works -- and it'll get you votes!

Still, pit President Marshall against President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho and see who wins in the monster truck arena.

Friday, October 24, 2008


There are two search words that seem to bring people to this site more than any other. They are "labia" and "Viagra." Not just the word "labia," mind you, the phrase "nice labia."

These search words will bring unsuspecting surfers to "Hey, Nice Labia!" (a commentary about the plastic surgery procedure "vaginal rejuvenation") and "The Semi-Hard Truth About Viagra" (a sketch I wrote for a biology class. I got an "A," thank you.) Hey, whatever gets you here or gets you off, doesn't matter to me. Sometimes they even stick around to read what I wrote. Almost always they click of the "anal bleaching" link in the labia article.

What I never expected was someone planting an ad in the comment section of the Viagra sketch.


Shain A said...

What makes you a REAL man? This is a question of manhood. For men, they have to be able and willing to perform all night long. I love to be intimate with my partner as long as I want but what about when I’m tired or had a rough day at work.

Joe Janes said...

Your claim that it takes having an erection (if it lasts over four hours, see a doctor) and being able to do it "all night long" to make one a real man is pure bullshit. If that were true, and it takes a pill to fulfill the illusion of manhood, than I say that makes you even less of a man. There's only one reason to take viagra - you like having boners. Period. And you are too lazy to explore healthy alternatives.

However, I am leaving your post and link section up. While obviously pro-viagra over cialis, making one suspicious of who is behind "Best Health Med," and it peddles in the "real man" advertising baloney, it does state the side effects and doesn't appear to directly sell viagra. I suppose that comes when you sign up for the newsletter.

Pretty wild. DON'T click on his link, unless you really want the inside track on working up a pharma hard on. This guy probably makes money on the amount of traffic he generates. What's funny about the site is that it presents itself as a mens health web magazine in the UK. There's even a "Humour" section. That page is blank, by the way. Guys desperate to get their meat stick propped up probably don't have much of a sense of humor.


Moral Fixations, the The Second City Training Center Writing 5 show I directed, has its second show tonight. Last week nearly sold out. If you plan on coming, I suggest you buy your ticket on-line, or show up an hour to half an hour early to buy your ticket at the Skybox box office.

The Best of the Tens, the show that features my ten-minute play, Cheddar Moon, closes this weekend. Last week was interesting. An actor in a two-person piece was running late. He almost literally ran in the door and onto the stage. The problem with only doing a show once a week, is that you usually have to run it beforehand or you risk blanking out and getting lost on stage. That's exactly what happened to these two guys. There's is one of the stronger pieces of the show and they managed to stay in character and also add about five uncomfortable minutes to the show while trying to find their way. I've got a feeling that won't happen to them again. Ever. The show is likely to sell out, so definitely buy your tickets on-line or early at the door (seriously, come an hour or two early, buy your ticket, go over to Old Town Ale House, have a beer, look at the naked painting of Sarah Palin, come back for the show).


Yesterday, I asked...

"A gay NYPD lieutenant has been found guilty of sexual harassment. He blames his behavior on what?"

25% said "prescription medicine"
- Must have been on that website about Viagra.

26% said "a bad break-up"
- "It's not you, it's me. I really think we should harass other people."

16% said "mixed signals"
- He was really just trying to get them to relax when he took his pants off.

33% got it right with "jock itch"

According to The New York Daily News, a gay NYPD lieutenant has been found guilty of sexually harassing two male sergeants and creating a lewd, hostile work environment, the Daily News has learned.Lt. Kieran Crowe, 50, denied the allegations, and blamed his behavior on "jock itch."

Oh, but this is where it really gets good...

Sgts. Dominic Coppola and Sean Gallagher filed an internal complaint against Crowe in 2004, when all three men worked at the Office of Equal Employment Opportunity at Police Headquarters. They also sued the city and the NYPD in Manhattan Federal Court.

The sergeants said Crowe, a 23-year NYPD veteran, simulated masturbating and wiggled his tongue at them in a sexually suggestive manner in the 12th-floor office which, ironically, investigates harassment in the workplace.

Crowe's lawyers called as a witness a dermatologist, who said Crowe was treated for a body rash and jock itch between 2001 and 2004, records show.

Trial commissioner John Grappone rejected that argument. In a ruling issued over the summer, Grappone said no medical condition warrants "extensive staring at crotches, masturbation gestures, tongue gestures and sighing sounds."

Clearly, this trial commissioner has never had jock itch. The only thing that helps me is copious amounts of hand cream and drooling, I mean, surfing the website, Got MILF?.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Good Day

I have decided to end all my e-mail correspondences today with "Good Day." There's something about it that sounds very professional and Dickens-y hardass.


Last night was Thea's birthday and she celebrated by having a party at Whirlyball. It was a blast, except for that one time when the scary dude who works there stopped the game to yell at us for having too many head-on collisions. But then it gave us something to make fun of for the rest of the night.

This is for Thea. I have no idea what it is about, but I imagine they are singing about how their love for Thea Lux helps them defeat monsters.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Since being announced as the vice-president candidate, the Republican National Committee has spent $150,000 for Sarah Palin's what?"

16% said "family lodging and travel"
- No. That's only around $20,000 since she became governor and she bills Alaska for that, because, you know, she's a maverick.

16% said "spiritual advisor"
- She only uses him when a witch hunt is involved. She likes to shoot witches from helicopters.

No one said "tutors for her children"
- How are these kids getting schooled while out campaigning with mom? I hope they're not home schooled. "You can watch TV, but only with the sound turned off, you can read - just not books, newspapers or magazines, here's a gun, let's go shoot something."

68% got it right with "clothes and make-up"

According to The Huffington Post, Politico reports that the RNC has been shelling out the big bucks--over $150,000--on Sarah Palin and her family's wardrobe since she joined the McCain ticket in late August. According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74. The records also document a couple of big-time shopping trips to Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis, including one $75,062.63 spree in early September. The RNC also spent $4,716.49 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August.

So, you see, America, she's just like any Hockey Mom from Main Street. Except what that Hockey Mom makes in a year, she spends on clothes and make-up for a week. Joe Six-Pack is going to have to switch to Joe Forty Ounce to cover this bill.

The RNC did say that the clothes will be donated to charity. Yah. Right. Can't wait to see the homeless guy near my El stop looking like a drag queen Tina Fey.

Good day!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Believe...

...the future is here. We can take a little pill for anything. Unfortunately, that little pill has ten other side effects as bad or worse than what ails you, but don't worry. There's a pill for each one of those, too.

...that when someone is ill, a sign of their recovery is the return of their hunger. When someone goes through a break-up, a sign of recovery is having fun flirting.

...that 'barista' is just a fancy word for to keep low wage fast food workers from feeling completely like shit while making the soy latte the lady in the fur jacket is just going to have them remake because the foam isn't foamy enough for her.

...homeless people would be less scary if they weren't so grumpy. Remember, homeless dude, that McDonald's drink cup you pulled out of the trash isn't 90% empty, it's 10% full (5% backwash).

...Musicals that simply imitate a film for the stage caters to the morons holding civilization back from evolving intellectually. A good story should be able to stand uniquely on its own as a novel, play, pop-up book, whatever. To simply recreate a film on stage with millions of dollars of copycat eye candy is creatively weak.


(editor's note: Apparently, I screwed up entering the date and time for the poll/quiz to close and ended up only leaving about a one hour window from the time of posting to the time of closing. My bad and my apologies for anyone who didn't get to show off their smarts.)

Yesterday, I asked...

"Researchers at Florida State University have created a material 10x lighter than paper and stronger than steel. They call it what?"

100% said "adamantium"
- No. As Gene Grillo once told me, adamantium is the strongest substance known to comic book artists.

No one said "wonderflonium" or "THX 1138"

No one got the correct answer, "buckypaper"

According to The Huffington Post, buckypaper is 10 times lighter but potentially 500 times stronger than steel when sheets of it are stacked and pressed together to form a composite. Unlike conventional composite materials, though, it conducts electricity like copper or silicon and disperses heat like steel or brass. So far, buckypaper can be made at only a fraction of its potential strength, in small quantities and at a high price. The Florida State researchers are developing manufacturing techniques that soon may make it competitive with the best composite materials now available.

The best thing about buckypaper is its potential use on Klingon starships to build tanks to transport whales from the past to the future to communicate with destructive probes from the outer regions of space.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Ladies and gentlemen, demons and demonettes, RVD is proud to present our newest show. Here is the press release, for your enjoyment:

Robot vs. Dinosaur Presents:


Opening: October 31st, 2008
Closing: November 22nd, 2008
Days and Time: Fridays and Saturdays at 10pm
Location: Gorilla Tango Theatre
1919 N. Milwaukee Ave
Chicago, IL 60647
Tickets: $12

For Tickets, Call 773.598.4544 or visit

CHICAGO, IL – Robot vs. Dinosaur proudly presents their new show, Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan. Times are tough everywhere, even in Hell. With Hell crippled by overcrowding, thanks in part to the Internet, Satan may be forced to make a rash decision. But when push comes to shove, will Satan sell out?

Follow along as a father and son journey past demons, sinners and a three-headed puppy on a tour of the past, present and future of Hell led by none other than Satan himself.

Opening just in time for the Halloween weekend, Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan weaves together short comic scenes with compelling narrative to create a funny and playfully irreverent theatrical experience that will leave audiences laughing.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Satan is performed by Neil Arsenty, Kim Boler, Lisa Burton, Jill Fenstermaker, Tim Heurlin, Ryan McDermott, Nat Topping and Trish Vignola and is directed by Geoff Crump.

Robot vs. Dinosaur is Mike Bauman, Geoff Crump, Joe Janes, Joe Linstroth, Chris Othic, Nat Topping and Greg Wendling.

((Even though my name sneaks in there at the end, I haven't had much to do with this show other than pop in from time-to-time and throw my slight weight around. I sat in on a rehearsal two weeks ago and these guys and gals are in great shape. It's hysterical. Well cast. I can't wait to see the show on Halloween.))


Yesterday, I asked...

"Wayne Forrester says he killed his wife with a meat cleaver because she provoked him by doing what?"

No one said "having an affair with their marriage counselor," "telling their children he was gay," or even "bringing a date to their divorce hearing"

100% got it right with "changing her Facebook status to single"

According to The Daily Mail UK, Wayne Forrester, 34, London, drank alcohol and took cocaine before driving 15 miles to the family home to attack wife Emma as she lay in bed.

The couple had separated four days before the murder in February and Forrester later told police he had been provoked by his wife changing her marital status to "single" on her Facebook entry, the court heard.

Forrester drove to Croydon armed with the knife and meat cleaver and forced the front door open. After neighbours called 999 he emerged from the house covered in blood and holding a carton of juice.

Yikes. Gruesome horrible stuff. But let's look at the real culprit in all this. To hell with the alcohol and cocaine. Facebook is the real drug at work here. I am new to Facebook. I am hooked. It might take someone with a meat cleaver to get me away from my laptop and go to work.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Squonk If You Love Fairy Tales

REVIEW: Gregor and the Squonk

Gregor and the Squonk
Written by Daniel Caffrey
Directed by Susan Myburgh
Presented by Tympanic Theatre Company

Through Nov 1st 2008

Thursday, Friday and Saturday, 8:00PM

@The Bailiwick Arts Center - Loft

1229 W. Belmont, Chicago, IL

Tickets are Pay What You Can!
Email to reserve your tickets

Gregor and the Squonk sounds like it's a play about Gregor and the Squonk, but it is not. I'm not exactly sure what it is about, but it's not that. I felt like I spent more time with Gregor's wife Margaret (Ali Delianides) and her doctor (McKenzie Gerber) than I did with either Gregor or said Squonk.

There's a lot of creativity going on in this production. Tympanic puts a lot of thought into costumes and effects. And I commend them for their use of space. Characters pepper themselves throughout the lobby as you make your way through the Village Thrift store-like environs of the Bailiwick in transition. Getting to the tiny loft space is like an adventure in and of itself. Director Susan Myburgh uses this well and uses the limitations of the space to her and the cast's advantage.

The story deals with Gregor's wife, whom he loves very much, but she doesn't get it. She thinks she's ugly and is doing all sorts of stuff, including having a resident plastic surgeon on hand, to get the hands of fate to lay off. To try to appease her, Gregor has gone off in search of a mythical creature that, if consumed, will turn his wife beautiful. Kind of a cool story with a lot of potential as a cautionary fairy tale for grown-ups, but the play never lives up to its promise.

Daniel Caffrey's script has many long, repetitive scenes where characters spend a lot of time arguing and yelling and not moving things forward. Daniel is very active in Chicago's improv community and it would do him well to apply what he knows to his writing. Strong improvisers know to avoid or move through arguments, have strong, clear objectives of what they want from other characters, and, most importantly - show, don't tell. For example, as I mentioned earlier, Gregor is very much in love with his wife, Maragret. How do we know that? He tells us. We never see it and because we never see it, we have a hard time buying it. The only scene between Gregor and his wife is near the end. Up until that time, we only see Margaret screeching, yelling, fighting and, occasionally, being forcefully sedated by the doctor. There's not a lot to love.

The strongest section comes when the doctor tells the story of his mother's own struggle to see her own beauty. He thoughtfully tells the story while Whitney Valencia shows us the woman's pain. Some powerful moments and the longest stretch in the play where no one is bellowing.

Almost making the evening worthwhile is Megan Gotz' performance as The Squonk. She's brilliantly emotionally invested while also being very playful and childlike. She brings the play to life on her entrance and makes you feel like you really are encountering a mythical creature. Her costuming and make-up are also another example of how very creative Tympanic can be. Unfortunately, her scene with Gregor also falls into the category of needing editing and boasting way too much yelling. This scene also fails to play the reality of the situation. Gregor is out to kill a beast, much like he would a muskrat or any other animal. Yet, he shows no surprise at The Squonk's command of the English language. The Squonk also begs Gregor to tell her a story because she's never heard one before. If she has never heard one before, how does she know what a story is? There's potential to really explore a relationship here - the hunter and his prey that talks back, the man using the life of someone else for his wife's vanity, etc - but we never go there.

Caffrey sets out to bring us into a Neil Gaiman-esque world, but doesn't do his work on crafting the story and characters. The women get the shaft by only being portrayed as crazy and obsessed. The men love them, but for no good reason that we can see. There's a lesson about the beauty myth here somewhere, but no one in the production gets to learn it. The creativity at work gives me hope for future Tympanic productions as long as they go back to square one - good story telling.


On Friday, I asked...

"According to NASA, astronauts returning from space walks report that space smells like what?"

30% said "coffee"
- Nope. That's just the aroma from the one millionth store Starbucks opened on the moon.

28% said "lavender"
- Space is just a big bowl of potpourri.

7% said "alien teen spirit"
- Really? Someone voted for that? You know that "No Child Left Behind" educational program? We should really leave a few kids at the curb.

35% got it right with "fried steak"

According to The Sun, outer space smells of fried steak, scientists revealed yesterday. The universe also has an aroma of hot metal and motorbike welding, NASA experts said. Astronauts reported the bizarre scents on their suits when they returned from space walks.

The space agency has commissioned Steven Pearce of British fragrance firm Omega Ingredients to recreate the smells to help train spacemen.

He said: “When astronauts were de-suiting and taking off helmets, they all reported quite particular odours.

“We have already produced the smell of fried steak, but hot metal is more difficult."

Well, I can't wait for this line of perfumes and colognes to hit the market. Estee Lauder's Space Meat.

Friday, October 17, 2008

You Know...Stuff


Moral Fixations opens tonight at Donny's Skybox and there are only two shows left for Saturday's The Best of The Tens featuring Cheddar Moon, also at The Skybox, and this week is already over half sold. So, please come check them out and I strongly suggest buying your ticket in advance. Call the box office at 312.337.3992 or go on-line.


Yesterday, I asked...

"A restaurant chain in London has angered animal rights groups because its new pizza features what?"

40% said "Mountain Gorilla Breast Milk Cheese"
- Got to give props to the cajones on the dude that milks the gorilla. Make sure those hands are warm.

30% said "Foie Gras"
- Someone somewhere I'm sure already does this and Domino's will pick up on it soon.

10% said "Mashed Baby Chicks"
- Could be, but they'd have to make it sound better, french it up, like just le peep peep squishé.

20% got it right with "Frog Legs"

According to The Sun (I love it when I can attribute the center of our solar system as a source. That sun, what is it not a source of!), the “Hopper” contains eight limbs on a traditional base with capers and an anchovy sorbet.

The £17.95 dish has angered campaigners who slammed it as “barbaric” — because frogs’ legs are amputated while they are still alive.

An Animal Aid spokeswoman urged people to boycott London chain Eco.

She said: “The animals typically have their limbs hacked off while still alive, having been captured by the bucketload from the wild in countries like Indonesia."

Chef Sami Wasif came up with the idea on a trip to Paris — and called it “refined”.

Go ahead. Order it. But don't be surprised if you hear a squeaky wheel coming up behind you.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Joel James Is In The Hizzouse!

So, I have been in my new apartment for a little over two weeks and was getting frustrated with my landlord because my name had yet to be added to the telephone intercom system nor had it been put on my mailbox. Several phone calls and e-mails, he finally put me in the system yesterday.

Well, not me. Joel James now lives in my apartment. People misspell my last name all the time, so that wasn't a surprise. But "Joel"? Given how long it took just to get ol' Joel in there, I expect it will be a few more weeks before Joe gets added. Oh, and no name on the mailbox. I went ahead and did it myself. Handwritten on a white sticky label, which always looks like crap, I think.

By the way, if you Google "Joel James," you get this guy...

Check out his MySpace page. It's great. I feel bad for my neighbors, though.

Other than that, I do like my apartment. I went insane at Target yesterday and bought a lot of new goodies for the place. And I do mean insane. I wasn't expecting to move and really had to move some mountains to afford the transition. The last two weeks have been very tight. Down to loose change to ride the El tight. When money came in, I was like the drunk at the bar buying everyone drinks. Except instead of drinks, I bought new pot holders and underwear and dish towels and shower curtains and a shelving unit and cat litter for everyone! It's on me! I'm buying! Woo-hoo!

Everything I bought I did need. Well, almost everything. I probably didn't really need the extended and unrated versions of Death Proof and Planet Terror, but, damn, they were only $7.50 each! Who am I kidding? I needed them. They are essentials. The toothpaste and toilet paper can wait.


Yesterday, I asked...

"William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, once represented this well known enemy of the United States."

27% said "William Ayers"
- Nah. Who cares about a washed-up terrorist. Timmons was with a real playah.

No one said "Mahmud Ahmadinejad" or "Osama Bin Laden"

73% got it right with "Saddam Hussein"

According to The Huffington Post, William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist who John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, aided an influence effort on behalf of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to ease international sanctions against his regime.

The two lobbyists who Timmons worked closely with over a five year period on the lobbying campaign later either pleaded guilty to or were convicted of federal criminal charges that they had acted as unregistered agents of Saddam Hussein's government.

Timmons' activities occurred in the years following the first Gulf War, when Washington considered Iraq to be a rogue enemy state and a sponsor of terrorism.

Um, yah. Senator McCain, if you smell something rotten when you talk about Obama's associations, check your own drawers first. They're stinkier.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Moral Fixation

The Writing 5 Show Moral Fixation opens on Friday night. Great cast, strong writing. And some of the weirdest scenes that have ever been in a W5 show. We run for five weeks, Fridays at 7:30pm, in the Skybox. Sarah Erdelyan designed the flyer.

I Believe...

- Sarah Palin is telling anyone that will listen that the troopergate report that came out last Friday clears her of any unethical and unlawful wrongdoing. It clearly does not. Sarah Palin and John McCain believe that if you say a lie loud enough for long enough, it becomes truth enough.


Bright Eyes' music video for their song First Day Of My Life off of their 2005 album I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Levi Johnston, who is having a baby with Bristol Palin, did what to prepare for fatherhood?"

20% said "moved into the governor's mansion"
- He sleeps in the tanning bed.

20% said "bought a Kevlar tux to wear at the shotgun wedding"
- He claims its not a shotgun wedding. But keep an eye out a year from now for a shotgun divorce.

10% said "sought advice from John McCain"
- "Marry her, Son. Then when she gets ugly or has a debilitating accident, divorce her and move on to a wealthy peroxide silicone hottie."

50% got it right with "dropped out of high school"

According to The Associated Press, not surprisingly, Johnston was a little shocked when he learned about Bristol's pregnancy, but he says he quickly embraced the prospects of fatherhood. The baby is due Dec. 18. Johnston has dropped out of high school to take a job on the North Slope oil fields as an apprentice electrician.

Oh, and Sarah Palin's advice to high schoolers considering dropping out?... "I'd remind the kids that no matter where they are in life _ (maybe) in circumstances that probably aren't ideal _ that there is no circumstance that they're in that is insurmountable or would necessitate them just giving up."

She's also against sex education in school.

The self-serving comedy writer side of me really wants her to become vice-president. This shit just writes itself.