Written by Joe Janes
12/27/09
343 of 365
Cast:
Joe, 20s
Tina, 20s
(Lights up on Joe and Tina, an attractive young couple, walking through a park near the lake at night near a bench.)
JOE
Wow, this lake is really beautiful at night.
TINA
Yeah. It’s nice.
JOE
Let’s sit down and enjoy the view.
TINA
Okay.
(Joe sits. Tina sits, but not near him. Joe scoots over.)
JOE
Lovely night. Warm breeze. Lots of stars and a full moon. (Tina starts scratching her nose as Joe puts his arm around her.) Couldn’t ask for a more perfect –
TINA
Oh, I hate this.
JOE
Sorry, what?
(She starts pinching her nose. She grabs his shoulders.)
TINA
Look at me.
JOE (going in for a kiss)
Finally.
TINA
Do you see a booger?
JOE
Uh-
TINA
Look way up in there, Joe. Check for boogers.
JOE
I don’t see any-
TINA
Use your keychain light.
(Joe takes out his keys and looks up her nose with a little light.)
JOE
Clean as a whistle.
TINA
Are you sure? Did you look all the way in?
JOE
If I looked any further in, I’d see your brain.
TINA
Dammit. You ever get one of those?
JOE
One of those what, my love?
TINA
A phantom booger. You feel it. It feels like a rope sticking out of your nostril and you feel like everyone can see it, but there’s nothing there.
JOE
Yeah. I guess I’ve had one of those before at one time or another. Tina, I-
TINA
That’s what I like about you, Joe. You get me.
JOE
Yeah. I get you. There’s something I need-
TINA
Like that time I sharted and you knew exactly what I meant. You were a real gentleman, lending me your coat, like that. Oh, I still owe you for the dry cleaners.
JOE
Don’t worry about it. Glad I could help a damsel in distress. Tina-
TINA
Yes, Joe?
JOE
Don’t you think this evening is romantic?
TINA
Um, sure.
JOE
Talking about bodily functions kind of works against the mood, don’t you think?
TINA
Oh, I’m sorry. I just always say what’s on my mind and what’s going on.
JOE
Which I like. But you never seem to realize when things are romantic. Like the time at that nice restaurant when you burped and threw up a little-
TINA
I shouldn’t have ordered the fois gras. It always does that.
JOE
It was Charlie Trotter’s. We waited two months for our reservation.
TINA
I appreciate it.
JOE
But you don’t show it. Like the time I brought you chocolates.
TINA
I showed my appreciation. I ate them.
JOE
Yes, you did. All of them. While I watched.
TINA
I offered you one.
JOE
And then I waited an hour for you to come out of the bathroom.
TINA
Hey, I tried to keep the conversation going. You’re the one who didn’t want to talk through the door while I dropped bowling pins.
JOE
What I want, Tina, especially in a place like this, is a kiss. A slow kiss. I want to hold your hands as I look into your eyes.
TINA
You tried that earlier. That’s when I first thought I had a booger. I thought you were staring at it.
JOE
You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.
TINA
Sure, I do.
JOE
No, you don’t. You never get me anything just because. I never catch you stealing glances at me.
TINA
Why would I steal glances, you’re right there?
JOE
You never try to kiss me or touch me. You don’t do any of the things I do. Like writing poetry.
TINA
You write poetry?
JOE
Yes, Tina. I wrote a poem about you and recited it to you last night at the bar. “I love how the light hits upon your hairs, my heart is picky and for you it only cares.” All you did was make gagging sounds.
TINA
Oh, that was a poem. I thought you were trying to rap. I wasn’t gagging, I was beat boxing.
JOE (getting up)
Maybe this isn’t going to work out.
TINA
No, Joe. No. We can work this out. I’ll try to be more romantic. Give me another chance.
JOE
The fact that you have to try to be romantic is enough to tell me that we’re probably not meant for each other. Good-bye, Tina.
(He starts to walk off. She stands on the bench.)
TINA
A love poem! By Tina Elise Costello. (Joe stops.) My heart belongs to a boy named Joe/ A guy named Cupid, his arrow he did throw/ Although my heart is full of love it can be a little dumb/ It wishes only for Joe’s love even if it’s just a crumb/ (Joe moves closer to her) His love is always with me and coats me warm with sugar (Joe stands on the bench with her and holds her hands as he looks at her)/ Even when he’s not near, I feel him like a phantom booger.
(They kiss. Tina coughs up something. Blackout.)
