Tuesday, July 3, 2007

We Need a Hero

There were a few items in the news recently which appeared to highlight the acts of mad men. I resubmit them for your consideration as the acts of not the criminally insane, but of heroes.

They are...

Man Beats Peacock He Says Was Vampire

By Associated Press

NEW YORK - A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant was attacked by a man who vilified the bird as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.

The peacock, a male several years old, wandered into a Burger King parking lot in the New York borough of Staten Island and perched on a car hood Thursday morning. Charmed employees were feeding him bread when the man appeared.

He seized the iridescent bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started kicking and stomping the creature, said worker Felicia Finnegan, 19.

Asked what he was doing, she said, the attacker explained, "'I'm killing a vampire!'"

Well, who are we to judge? I believe in giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the peacock was a vampire. They can take the form of bats and wolves, why not peacocks? It could have been a very flamboyant vampire. They're a little flamboyant anyway, what with the capes and all. This man was a hero and in mangling the neck of that "bird," may have saved the trans-fatty blood of all those fast food employees from being tapped like a beer keg at a frat party.

Man mistakes straw bale for stricken woman, gives it CPR

Published Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A Hilton Head Island man called deputies to the parking lot of Hilton Head Cabanas saying he had just tried to perform CPR on a dead woman, according to the sheriff's report.

They arrived to find him talking to a large bale of pine straw.

When asked where the woman was, he pointed to the straw, the report stated.

Just like The X Files, I want to believe. There are many possible explanations for his actions. Maybe the woman he was trying to resuscitate turned back into straw, her natural state. This was after the stroke of midnight. Maybe she was a scarecrow that could also dance and sing that he was saving from the effects of a flying monkey attack. Or she was part of some ancient straw race that lives in the woods, but she left the sanctuary of her secret homeland and fell in love with a human who happened to have a couple bottles of bourbon on him. She was in trouble, possibly choking on a screw-top bottle cap, and the man jumped to the business of trying to save her life. Again, a hero in our midst. Instead, the deputies failed to see his heroism and wrote the guy off as being drunk as a skunk.

But out of all the news I heard over the past week, this one is the most courageous and misunderstood act...

Bush Commutes Libby Prison Sentence

By BEN FELLER, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - President Bush spared former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby from a 2 1/2-year prison term in the CIA leak investigation Monday, delivering a political thunderbolt in the highly charged criminal case. Bush said the sentence was just too harsh.

Bush is going to get a lot of flack on this one. I know. It sounds crazy. But Bush did the right thing. Two-and-a-half years in prison for a guy named "Scooter"? You may as well issue him a death sentence with that orange jumpsuit. Scooter still has the stigma of the conviction. He'll probably have to settle for jobs that have him working side-by-side with other criminals. Ones that got caught! Then there's that $250k fine and two year's probation he's still saddled with. The millions of dollars his rich friends raised for his defense fund by looking under their sofa cushions will take a big hit when he uses it to pay off that fine. He'll be lucky if there's enough left over to buy a new suit and a hot meal. And don't go thinking he got off easy on that probation, either. Probation is hard. For two years, he'll have to check in with his probation officer for a few minutes every month. And if he's late for his appointment he'll be chastised. That is punishment enough, my friends! Why are we treating a decent American like he was a terrorist? Thank God, President Bush saw the insanity and has put an end to the persecution of Scooter Libby. It's good to have friends in high places, just as it's good to have friends in low places to take the fall for you.

These were all not the acts of mad men, America. The peacock vampire killer, the straw lady rescuer, and the hubris-filled crook springer are all heroes in my book. As we celebrate the anniversary of the greatest country on earth, thank God - THE God - The God that loves America and America only - we have them to protect us.