Week Eight, Day 53 - “Dried and Cured Meats”

“Dried and Cured Meats”
Written by Joe Janes
3/12/09
53 of 365

CAST
Will, 50s
Darla, 30s
Nancy, 20
Clerk, old

(Lights up on Will sitting at a small table at a convenience store/gas station. Darla enters. They are both very professional looking. Upstage left is a clerk at a counter counting money from a register.)

WILL

Darla!

DARLA

Mr. Darnell.

WILL

Please, call me Will.

DARLA

Thanks, Will. Glad to get a second interview. This is an unusual place to meet.

WILL

Hey, when you’re on the go, you’re on the go. Want some coffee?

DARLA

Oh, no thank you.

(Will refills his cup at a coffee urn and loads his suit coat pockets with creamers.)

WILL

They also have individually wrapped Pop Tarts near the register, if you are so inclined.

DARLA

Really. I’m fine.

CLERK

Hey, refills ain’t free. One dollar.

WILL

No problem, no problem. Can you break a fifty?

CLERK

You know I can’t break a fifty.

WILL

Gee, not sure what to do here…Darla, I hate to ask –

DARLA

Oh! No problem. Here.

(She hands him a dollar from her purse.)

WILL

Thank you so much. I’ll catch you later. Cool?

(He hands the clerk the dollar.)

DARLA

Think nothing of it. No big deal.

Will (sitting)

So, Darla…Everyone was really impressed with your resume and what I had to say about you.

DARLA

Good to hear.

WILL

Everyone’s certain you’re the VP of operations we need to turn this Darnell Investments around.

DARLA

Well, I’m very excited about the possibility. I really enjoyed all the people I met last week. I can see myself getting along really well there.

WILL

Excellent…Excellent… Oh, that was a job offer, by the way.

DARLA

Really? Great! That’s great. Tell me more.

WILL

Well, you can start immediately. As soon as you’re able. Tomorrow?

DARLA

Will, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but we haven’t even discussed salary or benefits.

WILL (sucking through his teeth)

We’ll have to move some things around, but I could give you a figure sometime next week.

DARLA

You want me to start working without knowing what I’m making?

WILL

I’d like to get you started, right away. You’re bright. You’ve got some great ideas that can really take this company in new, exciting directions. You like the job, you want the job. I say, why not jump in? The water’s fine. We’ll figure things out as we go.

DARLA

Right. I see. How come we’re not meeting at your office?

WILL

My office? What’s an office? A place where I do business? I do business anywhere and everywhere. Any time, anyhow. You could say this is my office.

(Nancy the intern enters and sets a small stack of papers down next to Will.)

NANCY

Here are print outs of your e-mail from the public library, Mr. Darnell.

WILL

Oh, thank you, Nancy.

NANCY

You’re welcome, Sir. If you don’t need me, I’ll be taking my lunch break.

(She walks away)

WILL

Very good, Nancy. (She returns) I wanted both my business and personal e-mails. Don’t worry about it, now. Go grab them after your meal. We’ll dock the extra cost in time from your stipend.

NANCY

I understand, sir. Sorry about that. Well, if you don’t need me for anything else, I’ll be standing ten feet away from you, over there. Gnawing on various dried and cured meats. (She does)

WILL

Don’t know why they call ‘em cured meats. That cow ain’t getting back up. That girl could eat her weight in beef jerky. Oh, Nancy.

DARLA

Is that your administrative assistant?

WILL

No, no. Intern. Just started. A little green, but I think under my mentorship, she’ll blossom. Speaking of blossoming, how soon can I order your new business cards, Darla?

DARLA

I’m afraid I’ll have to pass, Will…

WILL

Please, don’t say no-

DARLA

I really don’t think-

WILL

We need you, Darla. We really need you. Please. This company is sinking like a rock. We got evicted last week. All my employees left.

DARLA

Darnell Investments had over 100 employees. Who’s left?

WILL

Me. Just me.

DARLA

Wow.

WILL

And Nancy.

(He waves to her; she waves back, mouth full of jerky.)

DARLA

Will, I’m sorry your company has fallen on such hard times. But I need something more stable. For my career. For my life. I’m looking for a company I can invest in for a long time.

WILL

Do you have any money?

DARLA

To invest in your company?

WILL

Uh, no. I need to pay for Nancy’s eating habit. Part of our deal.

(Darla sighs. She puts a five-dollar bill on the table.)

WILL (continuing)

Thanks, Darla. You’re a saint. I’ll catch you later. Really.

DARLA

Right.

(She leaves.)

WILL (picking up money)

Hey, Nancy! Time to raise some capital. Buy five instant lottery tickets. I feel lucky!

(Blackout)

Week Eight, Day 52 - “Icicles of Evil”

“Icicles of Evil”
Written by Joe Janes
3/11/09
52 of 365

CAST:
Curtis
Terry
The Icicle
Slick
Frosty
The Great Justifier

(Lights up on a 7/11 late at night. Curtis, wearing a hoodie and a knit cap, approaches Terry, the clerk.)

CURTIS

Hey, how’s it going?

TERRY

Hey…know what you want?

CURTIS

Sure, man, sure. Um, get me one of those packs of spearmint gum and…a…pack of…Viceroys.

(Terry turns away to get the items. Curtis pulls his cap down revealing it to be a ski mask. He thrusts his pocketed hand forward as if he had a gun. Terry turns back around.)

TERRY

Anything else?

CURTIS

Yeah, (reading his name tag) Terry, give me all your cash.

TERRY

Aw, c’mon, man, I was already robbed twice this week.

CURTIS

Well, third time’s a charm. Empty out the register. Just give me the bills.

(Slick and Frosty burst through the doors followed by bounty of manufactured fog and The Evil Icicle who is brandishing an ice gun which looks like some kind of sci-fi rifle.)

ICICLE

Everybody FREEZE!

TERRY

The Evil Icicle!

ICICLE

That’s right! And this is a robbery!

CURTIS

This already is a robbery, asshole.

ICICLE

Tut, tut, my fellow ski-masked fiend. (He lifts Curtis’s mask.) Just keep your cool. Slick, Frosty – grab the register.

(Slick and Frosty do so and bring it toward the door.)

CURTIS

Man, why are you trespassing on my turf?

TERRY

Don’t you usually rob stuff like banks and stuff?

ICICLE

These are tough times (reading his nametag) Terry. Banks are closing right and left and those that are left don’t have much cash on hand. I have an evil empire to run and must keep the cash flowing in by all means possible, even if it means knocking off the occasional 7/11.

CURTIS

What you’re doing is cold.

ICICLE

Thank you.

CURTIS

I mean, it’s wrong. This is my job. I need that money.

ICICLE

For what? Are you trying to bring the United Nations to its knees by controlling the world’s blizzards from outer space? No? Not on your puny agenda? I thought not. Weather machines don’t grow on trees, let me tell you.

CURTIS

You’re taking money out of my family’s mouth by stealing the money I was about to steal. My wife is going to kill me.

ICICLE

Here. Give her one of these panties shaped into a flower. (He hands Curtis one from the counter.) Sure to melt a woman’s polar-capped heart.

CURTIS

Not married are you?

ICICLE

Little busy conquering the world, right boys. (Slick and Frosty nod their heads.) Oh, and hand me your wallet.

CURTIS

Taking my gig and taking my wallet. (Hands Icicle his wallet) What kind of robber robs a robber?

ICICLE

You are hardly in my league, icehole. (Looks at Curtis’s ID in his wallet) I’m sorry, Curtis. Do you have a gun that shoots poison-tipped icicles?

CURTIS

Nope. (Shoots Icicle with is handgun) Just a gun that shoots bullets, jackass.

(Icicle collapses into Curtis.)

ICICLE

You iced, iced me, baby. Tell mommy I tried to be a good boy…so cold…so cold…

(He collapses to the floor. Slick and Frosty are stunned.)

CURTIS

You want some of this?

(Slick and Frosty run away, leaving the cash register. Curtis retrieves his wallet.)

TERRY

Dude. You probably just saved the world.

CURTIS

Yeah. I guess so.

TERRY

Take the money. It’s cool.

CURTIS

Yeah. Okay. I really do have to. The wife and all.

(The Great Justifier bursts through the door in his tights and cape.)

JUSTIFIER

Stop, Evil Icicle! The Great Justifier is here. Um, hey – Who shot the bad guy?

(Curtis shoots The Great Justifier who collapses on top of The Evil Icicle.)

TERRY

Just go.

CURTIS

Yeah, I’m out of here.

(Blackout.)