Week 43, Day 300 - "Winning The Lottery"

“Winning The Lottery”

Written by Joe Janes

11/14/09

300 of 365

Cast:

Dean, 70s

Esther, 4os

(Lights up on Esther behind the counter at a convenience store. Dean enters.)

ESTHER

Hey, Dean.

DEAN

Goody good morning to you, Esther.

ESTHER

Goody good noon to you, Dean.

(Dean looks at his watch.)

DEAN

Where does the day go?

(He looks at her for an answer. After a pause, she shrugs.)

ESTHER

Coffee and the lotto?

DEAN

Yep. The usual, barkeep.

(Esther pours him a cup of coffee and is about to get him a lotto ticket.)

ESTHER

Dean, what are you going to do if you win?

DEAN

If I win? You mean, when I win.

ESTHER

Not to be a balloon buster, Dean, but you’ve been playing the same numbers everyday for years and you’ve never won anything.

DEAN

Every dog has his day. And some day, this dog will have his day. Woof!

ESTHER

Dean, I’m just saying. All the money you spend on the lottery, you could have just bought something by now.

DEAN

Save it and spend it? Winning’s more fun.

ESTHER

Yes, it is. If you win.

(She hands him the coffee.)

DEAN

I play for fun.

ESTHER

How can never winning be any fun? I think you have some kind of addiction or something. You’re a gambler.

DEAN

It’s only a buck.

ESTHER

A buck a day. For over a decade. That’s…four or five thousand dollars.

DEAN

But if I win, it could be millions.

ESTHER

What would happen if you didn’t play today? Just take your coffee and walk away.

(Dean looks very concerned.)

DEAN

I’ve played for so long. Just the laws of the universe dictate that my numbers are close to coming up. I can’t stop playing. The day I don’t put down a buck is the day my numbers come up. I don’t want my numbers coming up and me holding my wiener instead of a winning ticket.

ESTHER

Tell you what. You keep your dollar, don’t buy the ticket and, if it wins, I’ll pay you a million dollars.

DEAN

You don’t have a million dollars.

ESTHER

Neither of us do and neither of us ever will throwing good money down the lottery drain.

DEAN

You don’t know that. Somebody has to win. There’s always a winner. May as well be me, Esther. May as well be me. Now, you give me my ticket.

ESTHER

Okay, Dean. Okay. (She punches in his numbers into the machine.) Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Here. One dollar.

(She hands it to him and he gives her a dollar.)

DEAN

I’m going to buy a new truck. A real nice one. With multiple cup holders. And I’ll take my dog Barney to the marsh and let him run around. He’s getting’ up there and deserves to run around and chase some rabbits. If there’s anything left, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll buy you a truck, too.

(He exits. Esther punches numbers into the machine and takes the ticket. She throws a dollar into a cash drawer.)

ESTHER

Somebody has to win.

(Blackout)

Week One, Day Three - "Lottery Winner"

LOTTERY WINNER
Written by Joe Janes
1/21/08
3 of 365

CAST:
PETE – 50’s, a little heavy
JERI- 40’s
CHANCE – 60’s
JED – late 20’s

(Lights up on Pete’s Auto Shop. Jeri is downstage left fixing a truck tire. Chance works under a car up on a hydraulic lift. Pete enters.)

PETE

Still not here?

JERI

Still not here.

PETE

That prick is fired.

JERI

Again?

CHANCE

Wait and see what’s going on, Pete. You don’t know. Could’ve been an accident.

PETE

It’s usually an accident when that asshole shows up on time.

(Jed enters)

JED

Guess what motherfuckers? I just won the lottery.

JERI

Holy shit!

CHANCE

That’s great, Jed. Congratulations.

JED

Fate and the Nebraska State Lottery have shined their light on my numbers.

JERI

You are one lucky son of a bitch, Jed.

JED

Thank you, Jeri.

PETE

He ain’t lucky.

JED

What do you mean I ain’t lucky? You got shit in your ears?

PETE

Chance?

CHANCE

You ain’t lucky. Look, you play the lottery every day, right? Same numbers, right? If I flip a coin and keep flipping it till it comes up heads, am I lucky? Or just persistent.

PETE

And the fact that it did come up heads ain’t luck. It’s an accident. You are an accident. Fate had nothing to do with it. The only thing you have to feel lucky about is that I haven’t fired you yet.

JED

Just can’t be happy for someone, can you, Pete? I won and it eats you up.

PETE

You won. La-di-fucking-da. That Miata needs a new converter. It ain’t gonna fix itself. Get on it.

JED

Pete. Read my lips. I’m rich.

PETE

So, what, you want me to treat you like the queen and get you a cup of tea?

JED

No, Pete. I want a cup of respect. I just got me more money than I have ever had in my life. It’s called “fuck you” money.

CHANCE

What’s “fuck you” money?

JED

Well, Chance, “fuck you” money is when you have so much dough, someone tells you to do something, you don’t care, you don’t need the money, so…fuck you.

JERI

I get it.

JED

Pete, ask me to work on the Miata, again.

PETE

I don’t think-

JED

Fuck you! That’s what I think about working on that Miata.

PETE

Then why are you here, Jed?

JED

Because I wanted to tell you to your face, Pete, that you can spread your ass cheeks and shove this job up your exhaust pipe. I have worked in this stink hole since I dropped out of high school. I got oil and grease everywhere. Wedged up in my fingernails, all over the towels of my mom’s bathroom, all over my clothes even after I clean them. We work long hours; it’s either a meat locker or a sauna in here, sometimes both in one day. I’m always standing or squatting. I’m sick of standing or squatting. I want to lie down for a while. I want to trade in this fifteen pounds of alabaster beer gut for sipping some mojitos on a beach somewhere. Watch the sun go down over the ocean for the rest of my life. I want out of here. Anything’s better than staying here and smelling this nauseating swirl of gasoline, oil, Aqua Velva (indicates Chance), cat pee (indicates Jeri) and ass (Pete).

PETE

Fine, Jed. Congratulations. Get your tools and hit the road. Enjoy picking the sand out of your crack
.

(Pete starts to walk off)

JED

I will. I won’t, but I will. I’m going straight from here to the bank to deposit my $20,000 check.

(Pete stops)

PETE (laughing)

What?

JED

That’s right, motherfuckers. 20,000 summolliyas.

JERI

Is that what they’re paying you a month, Jed?

JED

A month? No. I won $20,000. One steamy lump sum.

CHANCE

That’s really not very much, Jed.

JED

I won the lottery. You’re just jealous.

PETE

Do the math, genius.

JED

I know how to count to 20,000.

PETE

Once you pay the taxes on it, we’re talking maybe 13,000.

JERI

That’s only half of what you make here in a year.

CHANCE

Six months and you’ll be looking for a job, again.

PETE

Less than that because I’ll tell you exactly what you are going to do with it. Instead of investing it in a retirement fund, which you won’t cuz you think it’s so far away you’ll be for real rich or dead by the time you get there, you’re going to buy yourself an X-Box and a big flat screen TV with surround sound, then you’ll probably pick up an iPod and computer that’s more tricked out than you’ll ever need, maybe then you’ll buy that electric guitar and amp you’ve always wanted and it will be sweet and go to waste because you’ll never learn to play it. And then if, IF, there’s any money left, you’ll invest it in tittie bars and beer. “I’m rich.” Fucktard.

(Pete exits. Jed starts putting on coveralls.)

JERI

Aren’t you going to the bank?

JED

It can wait. That Miata’s not going to fix itself.

(They all work in silence for a moment)

CHANCE

Hey, Jed. You’re still more rich than me.

JERI

Me, too. (pause) Do I really smell like cat pee?

(Chance and Jed slowly nod. Everyone continues working. Lights fade)