Week 40, Day 278 - "Good Seats"

“Good Seats”

Written by Joe Janes

10/23/09

278 of 365

Cast:

Nathan, 30s

Matthew, 30s

Violetta, 70s

Philbert, 20s

Announcer

(Lights up on Nathan and Matthew entering a theater from the lobby near the stage.)

MATTHEW

This is a wonderful surprise. Seeing a Broadway show here in Chicago.

NATHAN

I figured, “what the heck?” It’s your birthday; let’s do something special.

MATTHEW

Where are our seats?

NATHAN

Not sure if I’m reading this right, but they should be right up here somewhere.

MATTHEW

You must have paid a lot of money for these.

NATHAN

I did. But who cares? It’s your birthday, Matthew. Excuse me; can you help us find our seats?

(Nathan approaches Violetta, an elderly usher. Violetta takes the tickets and looks at them. Closely. For a very long time.)

VIOLETTA

Um…Row BB, seats 12 and 13.

(She looks around the theater, trying to read the seat numbers near her. She doesn’t see them. She looks at the tickets again for a very long time.)

NATHAN

I think we’ll try to find them ourselves-

VIOLETTA

Oh!

MATTHEW

Oh?

VIOLETTA

Oh! Right seats, wrong section. Your seats are in the mezzanine.

NATHAN

What’s a mezzanine?

VIOLETTA

Up there.

MATTHEW

It’s the level between the main floor and the balcony.

NATHAN

Up there? Why don’t they just call it the balcony?

MATTHEW

Because the balcony’s above it.

NATHAN

My upstairs neighbor has a balcony above my balcony; I don’t call mine a mezzanine.

(Violetta just stares at him. He thinks. He’s not sure. He waves his hand in front of her face to no response. Lights flash.)

NATHAN (continuing)

What the hell?

MATTHEW

That means the show’s about to start. Let’s hurry.

(They exit. Violetta stands there. For a very long time. She closes her eyes and squints. It’s quite possible, she just farted. Nathan and Matthew emerge somewhere near the middle of the house.)

NATHAN

Okay. Mezzanine. This isn’t too bad. You can see the whole stage.

MATTHEW

No, it’s not bad at all.

(Nathan approaches Philbert, a very young usher with the sniffles.)

NATHAN

Excuse me? Can you help us find our seats?

(Philbert wipes his nose on his hands repeatedly and then takes the tickets. Nathan holds on to them at first, but eventually surrenders them. Philbert looks at them.)

PHILBERT

You’re in the wrong place?

NATHAN

What does that mean?

MATTHEW

I thought this was the mezzanine.

PHILBERT

This is the lower mezzanine.

NATHAN

So, up one more?

PHILBERT

Two more. Your seats are on the upper mezzanine. That’s what the UM is near your seat numbers.

NATHAN

Oh.

MATTHEW

Well, whatever. It’s my birthday.

PHILBERT

Happy birthday.

(Philbert tries to hand the tickets back to Nathan who doesn’t want to touch them. He takes them from Philbert using his elbow. They exit. Philbert stands there and sniffs loudly. Then he wipes his nose on his fingers and looks at it. Wipes the residue on his pants. Nathan and Matthew emerge as far back in the house as possible, maybe even in the tech booth.)

NATHAN

Here we go!

MATTHEW

This is row BB?

NATHAN

Yeah. I feel sorry for the suckers behind us.

MATTHEW

I do, too, because apparently row CC is a wall.

NATHAN

Happy birthday, Matthew.

MATTHEW

Thank you, Nathan. Nathan? How much did you spend on these tickets?

NATHAN

Well, you know, I bought them discounted, day of the show, you know.

MATTHEW

That’s fine. What did you spend?

NATHAN

Ninety-five dollars.

MATTHEW

Total?

NATHAN

Each.

(The lights flash.)

NATHAN

Well, it’s a Broadway show. In Chicago. I’m sure it will be worth it.

MATTHEW

Next time just give me the money and I’ll dress up like a cat and sing.

NATHAN

You’re going to start charging me for that?

(Lights fade.)

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and Gentlemen, Broadway in Chicago is proud to present “One Man Porgy and Bess” starring Anthony Edwards. Please turn off your cell phones, unwrap your candies and pass your wallets and purses into the center aisle.

(We hear the opening strands of “Summertime” as if it were performed on a single electric keyboard.)

Week 32, Day 223 - “The Eighth Wonder of the World”

“The Eighth Wonder of the World”
Written by Joe Janes

8/29/09

223 of 365

CAST

Carl, 40s

Kong,???

Theater Patron Liz, 40s

Theater Patron Percy, 20s

Theater Patron Millie, 60s

Theater Patron Frank, 60s

(Circa 1933. On stage, we see a large curtain. Standing before it on a tuxedo is Carl Denham.)

CARL

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.

(The curtain falls and we see Kong on a platform with his arms and feet in chains. The audience gasps.)

CARL (continuing)

Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel.

(The “ooh-ing” and “ah-ing” subsides.)

CARL (continuing)

Big fella, isn’t he? The strength of a thousand apes. Regular-sized apes. All rolled up into one giant ape. (Flexes his arms) Grrrrr!

(Pause)

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Now, what?

CARL

What’s that?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

He’s impressive and all, but now what?

CARL

Well, um, just look at how magnificent he is. Do you want to come up and take a closer look?

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Not really. He’s got a bit of a gamey smell about him.

CARL

Well, he’s a wild animal. Full of wild animal instincts.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Like avoiding proper bathing.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Look, what’s your name-

CARL

Carl Denham, adventurer!

THEATER PATRON FRANK

I wasn’t really asking. There’s a depression going on, you know. My wife and I paid big bucks for these tickets. On top of that we hired a baby sitter and paid for a really nice meal.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Oh, did you go to Sardis’?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Indeed, we did.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I love their steak tartar. They make it right at your table.

CARL

Your point, sir?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Is this it?

CARL

Is this it? This is Kong – The Eighth Wonder of the World!

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Guess this it. Some show.

THEATER PATRON LIZ (to her escort)

I told you we should have gone to see “Porgy and Bess.”

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Doesn’t he sing or dance?

CARL

He’s a giant ape.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

For chrissake’s, even my dog does tricks.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Your dog is smarter than this ape.

(Carl talks out of the side of his mouth to Kong.)

CARL

I’m dying here, Kong. Do something.

(Kong holds up a fist towards Carl, “cranks” it until the middle finger is extended.)

THEATER PATRON PERCY

That was offensive. What’s next? IS he going to fling his giant pooh at us? I want a refund.

CARL

You can’t get a refund. This is Broadway.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Then you or the monkey need to start dancing.

CARL

He’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

And we’re done wondering. I want my money back.

(The rest of the crowd chimes in on this and they start shouting for a refund.)

CARL

Kong, help me, here. Do you really want me to send you back to that island full of swamp gas, giant mosquitoes and dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

What dinosaurs, where?

CARL

Back on the island where I found Kong. They had dinosaurs.

TEHATER PATRON FRANK

Are you insane? Why didn’t you bring back a dinosaur? Those are extinct.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

I would have loved to see a dinosaur. I could stare at one of those for hours.

CARL

But, apes are cool.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Apes aren’t cool. I can go to the zoo to see an ape. Dinosaurs, wow that really would have been worth the ticket price.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

If there are dinosaurs still alive, then there’s no way this is the eighth wonder of the world.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I don’t know what scale your using to rank your wonders, Mister Adventurer, but a T. Rex would knock this smelly, untalented beast down into the double digits.

(During all this, Kong has become increasing offended and angry that the crowd would rather see a dinosaur. Percy’s remark puts him over the edge. He breaks his chains and roars!)

CARL

Show’s over! Show’s over! We can’t control him.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Don’t end it now!

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

It’s just getting good.

(The crowd is now cheering. Kong goes into the crowd and smashes the heads of the theater patrons. And makes it back on stage.)

CARL

Good job, Kong. Say, were you friends with any of those dinosaurs? Maybe we could put together a comedy team.

(Kong roars at him. Carl runs off screaming. Kong turns to the remaining audience.)

KONG

No refunds.

(Blackout.)

Week 18, Day 121 - "The Deaf of Theater"

“The Deaf of Theater”
Written by Joe Janes
5/19/09
121 of 365

CAST:
House Manager (voice-over)

(Lights up on an empty stage. House lights come up. We hear ambient audience chatter. The houselights gently flash twice and we hear an electronic bell ding twice. The audience chatter subsides.)

HOUSE MANAGER (VO)

Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to the Goodman Theater. Our original production by a Pulitzer Prize winning playwright starring that actor you have seen somewhere before but don’t know where but recall that you liked them is about to begin. Please take this time to turn off all cell phones. Blackberrys and iPhones are, for the record, considered cell phones. If you have a pager, turn it off and throw it away, now. Please also turn off all respirators, oxygen tanks and Life Alert systems. If you have fallen and you cannot get up, please stay down until intermission when one of our ushers, likely to be even older than you, will nod sympathetically in your direction. Do, however, make sure your hearing aid is turned on and up. Please do that now. Unless, of course, you aren’t able to hear what I am saying. If you are near a senior citizen who is simply smiling and nodding, please nudge them and shout to them to crank up their hearing aid. If you have candy, breath mints or cough drops, please unwrap them now and hold them in your sweaty hand until they meld into one giant glob of artificially flavored high fructose corn syrup and aspartame. If you are amazed, and slightly appalled, that we even need to bother with these pre-show announcements, I agree. But notice how many phones go off in the second act. All we can say is, “we told you” and all you can do is indulge yourself in looking about with uppity indignation. You’d think paying anywhere from $75 on up for a ticket would be enough to make someone automatically turn off their phone as soon as they hit the lobby, but no. These are the people currently talking to their neighbors instead of listening to me. And they will continue to talk throughout the show, so, buck up and get used to it. Pissed yet? If the general thoughtlessness of the people around you doesn’t do it and the pretentiousness of the production doesn’t do it, perhaps this will. See that portly, smelly guy next to you in the ball cap? He got in free because he has a blog and might, we hope, unleash a favorable, yet amateur opinion of our professional production upon the world. (Heavy sigh) We now proudly present our over-produced intimate Broadway Bound – fingers crossed - dramedy “Problems That Poor Black People Have That Rich White People Can Pretend to Relate to Without Having to Go Through The Hassle of Knowing Any Black People.” Enjoy?

(Blackout)