Week 29, Day 198 - “The Ding Dong Song”

“The Ding Dong Song”
Written by Joe Janes
8/4/09
198 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber in her classroom with a school bell. She stands before the class. In the corner, we see an empty chair facing the wall. She rings the bell seven times.)

MRS. GRUBER (warbling)

I’m your school bell ding-dong-ding,
Boys and girls all hear me ring,
Every time I ding-dong-ding
Come with me to play and sing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
Hello boys and girls. How are you today? Oh, that’s wonderful. We’re going to learn so many exciting things today. We’ll learn to blow bubbles, make turkeys with our hands, how to skip rope and how to keep others from taking things from you that don’t belong to them, like your dignity or lawn ornaments.

(Warbling)
I will teach you many a thing,
Math, history and reading,
You can cut mom’s apron string,
Swim without a water wing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
How old are you? Do you know? Can you show me with your fingers how old you are? Oh, that’s very good. I’d show you how old I am with my fingers, but the arthritis makes it difficult to distinguish my fives from big, lumpy ones. Let’s just say Mrs. Gruber is older than you and has a lot to share about life. You know how some of you, and you know who you are, sometimes worry about wetting yourself? I know, I know. It happens. Does your mother make you wear rubber pants? Nothing to be ashamed about. You’ll grow out of it. And then, years later, you’ll grow back into it. Rubber pants and all.

(Warbling)
I have lessons big and small,
Learn to walk while others crawl,
Soaring’s good, it’s bad to fall,
You’re fine with me, you’re on the ball,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
That’s right, children. We’re here to learn. And to learn means doing what I say, when I say. Listen and learn. Do you know what I mean when I say to listen? Listening is very important. Open ears and a closed mouth will help get you through life.

(Warbling)
Play by my rules, I’ll be fair,
You’ll live a life without care,
If you kick, shout, spit or swear,
You’ll sit out the year in that chair (points to chair in corner,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-d-i-i-i-i-i-ing

(Blackout)

Week 28, Day 192 - "Ding Dong School"

“Ding Dong School – He Who Sits In The Shadow Of His Tail”
Written by Joe Janes
7/29/09
192 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Joey, 8
Nate, 8
Mickey, 8
Katrina, 8
Chrissy, 8

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber sitting on a chair before the class, which is seated on the floor. She has one hand behind her back.)

MRS. GRUBER

Good morning, children. How are you this morning? Guess what we’re going to learn about today? Have you ever seen animals? Where? The zoo? A farm? Have you ever seen an animal right outside your house or as you were walking to school? What kinds of animals do you see when you walk to school? Did anyone see my friend, Mr. Squirrel?

(She takes her hand out from behind her revealing a very simple hand puppet of a squirrel.)

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Say, “hello,” to Mr. Squirrel everybody. (They do) Now, Mr. Squirrel did hear you, but he won’t be saying “hello” back. Does anybody know why?

JOEY

He doesn’t like us?

NATE

He’s a foreigner?

CHRISSY

He’s angry like my dad?

MRS. GRUBER

No. No. Mr. Squirrel won’t say hello because he’s a squirrel. Squirrels are stupid and don’t speak English like we do. They have tiny brains, about the size of a walnut.

KATRINA

Will a squirrel try to eat its own brain?

MRS. GRUBER

Yes. A squirrel is not smart enough to tell it’s own brain from a walnut.

MICKEY

Do squirrels speak squirrel?

MRS. GRUBER

That’s a good question, Mickey. Squirrels do speak squirrel to one another. What sort of things do you think squirrels talk about?

KATRINA

Where to find nuts.

MRS. GRUBER

Or garbage. Squirrels will eat garbage, too.

CHRISSY

That’s gross.

MRS. GRUBER

They don’t even care that it’s your garbage and that you put a lid on it.

MICKEY

You could write you name on your garbage.

MRS. GRUBER

Good idea, Mickey, but, remember, squirrels are stupid. They can’t read. Does anyone want to pet Mr. Squirrel? (They all raise their hands.) Okay, Joey. Come here and pet Mr. Squirrel.

(Joey does and just before he can touch the puppet, Mr. Squirrel nips him.)

JOEY

Ow! He bit me!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right. Mr. Squirrel is a wild animal. So, what valuable lesson did Joey just learn?

NATE (raising hand)

Don’t pet wild animals.

MRS. GRUBER

Very good, Nathan.

JOEY

I’m bleeding.

MRS. GRUBER

And what did we learn to do with cuts and bites when Mr. Doctor was here?

MICKEY

Cauterize the wound.

MRS. GRUBER

Good boy, Mickey. Here. (She tosses Mickey a lighter who lights it and presses the flame against Joey’s finger.)

JOEY

Ow!

MRS. GRUBER

What else does Joey have to worry about from being bit by a wild animal?

KATRINA

Scars?

CHRISSY

Emotional scars?

MICKEY

Fleas?

NATHAN

I know! Rabies!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, rabies!

JOEY

Rabies?

(Joey faints.)

CHRISSY

You can’t get rabies from a hand puppet.

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, Chrissy. (She looks at Mr. Squirrel’s mouth.) Although, I should see if he’s had a tetanus shot recently. So, what do we do about a problem like Mr. Squirrel?

MICKEY

My grandpa eats them.

MRS. GRUBER

I’m sure he does. For those of us not wishing to eat what is essentially a cute rat, what can we do?

KATRINA

Hit them with cars?

MRS. GRUBER

Good. Tell your parents to run them down, but don’t be afraid to use your bicycles, too.

CHRISSY

Shoot them.

MRS. GRUBER

Squirrels make excellent target practice. Aim for the head.

MICKEY

And if you run out of bullets, you can club them with the gun.

MRS. GRUBER

I like how you’re thinking, Mickey.

JOEY (regaining consciousness)

Burn the trees.

MRS. GRUBER

Burn the trees!

NATE

You could just not feed them.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, very good, Nathan. If all else fails, cut off their food supply. Keep your garbage inside and empty those bird feeders. The squirrels will go elsewhere. They’ll go elsewhere or they will starve. Say, “good-bye” to Mr. Squirrel, children. (They do. She takes Mr. Squirrel off her hand and drops him into a small garbage can. The kids cheer. Blackout.)

Week 24, Day 164 - "Kidz Newz"

“Kidz Newz”
Written by Joe Janes
7/1/09
164 of 365

CAST
Rod, 40s
Carol, 40s
Craig, 12
Tiffany 12

(Lights up on Rod and Carol, two middle-aged news anchors at their anchor desk.)

ROD

…And that’s what it looks and sounds like when a cat plays the piano, Carol.

(He and Carol laugh.)

CAROL

Well, Rod, I guess that’s what they call a kitty cantata.

(They laugh.)

ROD

Next on the four o’clock news, a new segment for the after school crowd we call Kidz Newz…

CAROL

Spelled with two “z”s instead of “s”s, because it’s more fun.

ROD

And so our graphic department doesn’t have to worry about where to put an apostrophe.

(They laugh.)

CAROL

Take it away, Newz Kidz anchors, Craig Spindler and Tiffany Hutchins.

(Lights go down on Rod and Carol, but not before Rod can ask…)

ROD

What the hell’s a cantata?

CAROL

Mexican food, I think.

ROD

That doesn’t make sense.

(Lights come up on another part of the stage where Craig and Tiffany sit at an anchor desk.)

CRAIG

Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

… And I’m Tiffany Hutchins and this is Kidz Newz… News for kids! Three elementary school students were shot down in cold blood as they stood waiting for their school bus. Witnesses report seeing a mom pull up in a mini-van and then shots were heard being fired from the back seat. Police believe this is another crime committed by new gang members too young to have a driver’s license.

CRAIG

Swine flu, pandemic killer of children and the elderly. Nature’s wrath or a government conspiracy to thin the herd? I go under cover at the World Health Organization. You can see what I find, right here, on this station, tomorrow.

TIFFANY

Coloxil, the prescription acne medication, has been linked to suicide in young teenagers. The company denies any wrong doing, as these young teenagers probably would have killed themselves any way because of their debilitating pizza faces. At least they can rest in peace knowing they’ll have clear, smooth skin at their open casket funerals.

CRAIG

Autism, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy… Medical reports indicate these conditions are on the rise, or are the children of today just faking it? (He stares off silently, drools a little, if he can.)

TIFFANY

Craig? Craig, are you okay?

CRAIG

I am okay, Tiffany, because I was faking it. And I’ll show you how not to be fooled by that wobbly kid in the wheelchair in my expose “Autism – Oh, Yeah?” tomorrow.

TIFFANY

And in sports, your mother doesn’t want you to play so rough and your father doesn’t care if you break your neck, but he is not going to drive you to the hospital.

CRAIG

And, finally, Fruit Roll-Ups… Are your parents just trying to shut you up or are they really trying to kill you? I’ll unravel the truth behind pressed fruit in a special investigative report tomorrow. I’m Craig Spindler…

TIFFANY

And I’m Tiffany Hutchins.

CRAIG AND TIFFANY

And this has been Kidz Newz! News for kids!

(Lights out on them and back up on Rod and Carol who looked stunned. Very stunned.)

ROD

…Um… I think we have time for more of the kitty cat playing piano.

CAROL

Thank God.

(We hear awkward piano music as Rod and Carol smile and lights fade.)

Week 23, Day 157 - “Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur”

“Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur”
Written by Joe Janes
6/24/09
157 of 365

CAST:
Phillip, adult dinosaur
Cindy, 8
Billy, 8
Todd, 8
Alphonso, 8
Sally, 8
Cunt Jergen, 50s, Australian

(Lights up on Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur in a classroom surrounded by children. He is finishing a sing-a-long with them to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”)

PHILLIP AND KIDS

Love, Love, Love the world,
With a great big heart,
Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee,
Makes a tasty tart!

(They all cheer!)

PHILLIP

Next, I, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur, courtesy of Sara Lee, am going to teach you the alphabet!

(The kids cheer!)

PHILLIP

Can someone tell me how many letters there are in the alphabet? (Cindy raises her hand.) Cindy!

CINDY

Where’s Mrs. Florenheim?

PHILLIP

Mrs. Florenheim had to go home to take care of her sick cat. Okay? Okay, everybody? Now, the alphabet-

CINDY

Are you really a dinosaur?

PHILLIP

Yep, I’m really a dinosaur. Grrr.

CINDY

What kind of dinosaur are you?

PHILLIP

Why, I’m a friendly dinosaur, right, kids?

(The kids cheer.)

CINDY

Yes, but what kind? Are you a tyrannosaurus? A velociraptor?

BILLY

It’s whatever dinosaur is purple, right, Phillip?

CINDY

Well, what kind of dinosaur is purple? I’ve never heard of a purple dinosaur.

PHILLIP

Nobody has, Cindy. Dinosaurs became extinct either millions of years ago or thousands of years ago depending on what your parents tell you and in no way am I trying to persuade you to believe one thing over another. The point is, either no one ever saw a dinosaur or remembers what color they were.

TODD

26!

PHILLIP

That’s right, Todd!

BILLY

Why doesn’t anyone know what color dinosaurs are?

CINDY

Because they’re all dead. That’s what “extinct” means.

BILLY

Then what’s he doing here?

PHILLIP

I’m here to teach you the alphabet to make you smart. Maybe if you’re smart, you won’t become extinct like all my dinosaur friends. Anyone know a word that begins with the letter “A”?

SALLY

Why aren’t you stinkt?

PHILLIP

Ex-tinct, a word that does not begin with the letter “A.” Try again, any-one. How a-bout you, Al-phonso?

ALPHONSO

Why aren’t you dead like all the other dinosaurs?

(All the kids chime in with ‘yeahs’ and such.)

PHILLIP

All right, all right. If I tell you, can we then go on to learn about the alphabet?

TODD

Alphabet!

PHILLIP

Yes, Todd, the alphabet.

TODD

It begins with “A.”

PHILLIP

Oh, you’re right, Very good. Guess you get an “A.”

(Todd cheers, no one else does. The other kids glare at Phillip.)

PHILLIP (continuing)

Okay. About ten years ago, a mosquito from when dinosaurs roamed the earth was found trapped in amber. A scientist, underwritten by The Sara Lee Corporation, figured out a way to extract the blood the mosquito digested from having bitten a dinosaur and used that blood to clone me. He didn’t have all the DNA he needed, so he made some up with some modern day animals like lizards, jellyfish and the purple finch. Thus, purple. Happy? Can we move on to “B,” now, please?

CINDY

Why aren’t you eating us?

PHILLIP

What?

CINDY

You’re a dinosaur. Why aren’t you eating us?

PHILLIP

Because I’m a friendly dinosaur, remember? Friendly dinosaurs don’t eat people. Unless provoked.

BILLY

What do you eat?

ALPHONSO

Yeah, what do you eat? I don’t see any teeth?

PHILLIP

If you look closely, you can see tiny sharp ridges along my mouth. Good for biting, but not for chewing. When I see something I want to eat, I hold it down with my sharp claws and spit up an acidic bile that kills and dissolves my prey. Then I just slurp it on up.

(The kids are grossed out and “ewwwww” that idea.)

TODD

Bile!

PHILLIP

Good job, Todd. Bile begins with "B." You’re learning the alphabet, even if no one else is. Let’s move on to “C.” “C” can be a little tricky. Sometimes it has a soft sound, like “ceiling” (he points up) and sometimes it has a hard sound like – CUNT!

(Cunt Jergen enters. He is dressed like an African safari hunter. He carries a big gun.)

CUNT

That’s right, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur. It’s me, Cunt Jergen, the Unfriendly Dinosaur Wrangler. Time to get back in your cage.

PHILLIP

How did you find me?

CUNT

Simple, Phillip. I found your spore on the sidewalk outside this building, The Sara Lee Corporation Compound Daycare Center. And that spore also contained bits of colored chalk. The same kind of chalk favored by Mrs. Florenheim, their usual teacher.

PHILLIP

You’ll never take me. You come any closer, and these kids become my Lunchables.

CUNT

You wouldn’t dare!

PHILLIP

Wouldn’t I?

(Phillip roars and spits up acidic bile onto Todd. Todd screams. Cunt, the ill-prepared unfriendly dinosaur hunter, starts to load his gun. Too late. Phillip is on a rampage. He spits up on Cunt and tears him apart. He claws all the remaining kids until he sits among the bloody ruins.)

PHILLIP

Why, God? Why?

(Cindy stirs and crawls her way over to Phillip.)

CINDY

I forgot to ask. Where did you learn how to talk?

(Phillip belches up more bile onto her head. She screams and writhes in pain until she is dead.)

PHILLIP

I went to school.

(Blackout)