Written by Joe Janes
1/17/10
364 of 365
Cast:
Andrew, 20s
Amanda, 20s
Paul, 40s
Judy, 40s
Top Half, 20s
Bottom Half, 20s
(Lights up on Amanda sitting on a park bench. Andrew shyly walks over. They exchange cute glances. He sits. He is very nervous and doesn’t look at her. She is nervous, too. )
ANDREW
I don’t know what to say…
AMANDA
I don’t either.
ANDREW
Maybe we don’t have to say anything.
AMANDA
Maybe we don’t.
(Still without look at one another, they slowly creep their hands towards one another on the seat of the bench until their pinkies intertwine. They are excited and somewhat relieved to be doing this. Paul and Judy, a couple in the second or third row of the theater get up and start moving down the row towards the aisle. They are very polite about this, but clearly being loud and obvious enough to be a distraction.)
ANDREW (To Paul and Judy)
What are you doing?
AMANDA (To Andrew)
What are you doing?
ANDREW
I’m talking to them.
AMANDA
Stay in character. Ignore them.
ANDREW
I can’t. Everyone in the theater is watching them. (He stands.) Hey! Hey you!
JUDY
Honey.
PAUL
What?
(Judy points to the stage. Paul sees that Andrew is staring at them.)
ANDREW
Is there a problem?
PAUL
We were just leaving. We really didn’t mean to disturb you. Sorry.
ANDREW
The play’s almost over.
PAUL
I could tell. It looked like you were winding things up.
JUDY
We have a babysitter.
PAUL
We wanted to get a jump on the traffic. (Judy hits him.) Because our babysitter is expensive. She charges by the minute.
ANDREW
Look, if you don’t like the show. That’s fine.
AMANDA
That’s not fine. I want you to like the show.
ANDREW
But if they don’t, there’s not much we can do about it.
AMANDA
It might get better.
PAUL
You said it was almost over.
AMANDA
We declare our love for one another.
JUDY
You just now finally spoke. How could you possibly be in love?
AMANDA
Because my character has butterflies when she sees him.
ANDREW
Mine, too.
PAUL
Jesus, who wrote this? A twelve-year-old girl? Do you ride off into the sunset on a unicorn that farts rainbows?
(Pause)
ANDREW
He doesn’t fart rainbows.
PAUL
We’re going. Look. I’m sorry folks. We always leave early. Sporting events, funerals, plays. There. The secret’s out. We know where this is going. You get together. Hooray. We’re not going to miss anything avoiding the crowd.
AMANDA
You don’t know that for sure. It hasn’t happened, yet.
PAUL
Honey?
JUDY
Oh, Paul. I love you. There. I said it. I can’t fight my feelings.
PAUL
Judy. I love you, too. Even though we just met.
JUDY
My life was horrible and lonely until you came into my life today.
PAUL
I never knew how happy I could be until this very moment. No. Wait. I know how I could be happier.
JUDY
What is it? I would do anything.
PAUL
Marry me.
JUDY
I will!
PAUL
Then we ride off on the rainbow farting unicorn.
ANDREW
He doesn’t fart rainbows.
AMANDA
Thanks for ruining the ending for everyone.
PAUL
And then the lights go to black and pop back up and we see this! (Paul and Judy to an over-the-top version of smiling and bowing and being out of breath.)
JUDY
And it goes on forever. Especially if some jackasses stand up and clap.
PAUL
Which also makes it harder to get out of the row.
ANDREW
Thank you making a complete mockery of my profession.
AMANDA
You’re getting paid?
ANDREW
I meant that figuratively. Hey, why’d you even come to the theater? You don’t seem to like it. You were already planning to cut out early. You could have done everyone a favor and leave after the first scene.
JUDY
We know somebody in the cast.
PAUL
We’ll text them how good they were, because right now, we’re getting the hell out of here.
JUDY
Goodnight.
(They exit.)
AMANDA
Bye.
(Andrew and Amanda look at each other and aren’t sure what to do. A unicorn - two men in a makeshift horse costume – comes bursting out.)
TOP HALF
Did we miss our cue?
(Bottom Half separates and looks out into the audience.)
BOTTOM HALF
Dammit. My parents left early, again.
(Andrew and Amanda give him a dirty look. Blackout.)
