Written by Joe Janes
52 of 365
The Great Justifier
(Lights up on a 7/11 late at night. Curtis, wearing a hoodie and a knit cap, approaches Terry, the clerk.)
CURTISHey, how’s it going?
TERRYHey…know what you want?
CURTISSure, man, sure. Um, get me one of those packs of spearmint gum and…a…pack of…Viceroys.
(Terry turns away to get the items. Curtis pulls his cap down revealing it to be a ski mask. He thrusts his pocketed hand forward as if he had a gun. Terry turns back around.)
CURTISYeah, (reading his name tag) Terry, give me all your cash.
TERRYAw, c’mon, man, I was already robbed twice this week.
CURTISWell, third time’s a charm. Empty out the register. Just give me the bills.
(Slick and Frosty burst through the doors followed by bounty of manufactured fog and The Evil Icicle who is brandishing an ice gun which looks like some kind of sci-fi rifle.)
TERRYThe Evil Icicle!
ICICLEThat’s right! And this is a robbery!
CURTISThis already is a robbery, asshole.
ICICLETut, tut, my fellow ski-masked fiend. (He lifts Curtis’s mask.) Just keep your cool. Slick, Frosty – grab the register.
(Slick and Frosty do so and bring it toward the door.)
CURTISMan, why are you trespassing on my turf?
TERRYDon’t you usually rob stuff like banks and stuff?
ICICLEThese are tough times (reading his nametag) Terry. Banks are closing right and left and those that are left don’t have much cash on hand. I have an evil empire to run and must keep the cash flowing in by all means possible, even if it means knocking off the occasional 7/11.
CURTISWhat you’re doing is cold.
CURTISI mean, it’s wrong. This is my job. I need that money.
ICICLEFor what? Are you trying to bring the United Nations to its knees by controlling the world’s blizzards from outer space? No? Not on your puny agenda? I thought not. Weather machines don’t grow on trees, let me tell you.
CURTISYou’re taking money out of my family’s mouth by stealing the money I was about to steal. My wife is going to kill me.
ICICLEHere. Give her one of these panties shaped into a flower. (He hands Curtis one from the counter.) Sure to melt a woman’s polar-capped heart.
CURTISNot married are you?
ICICLELittle busy conquering the world, right boys. (Slick and Frosty nod their heads.) Oh, and hand me your wallet.
CURTISTaking my gig and taking my wallet. (Hands Icicle his wallet) What kind of robber robs a robber?
ICICLEYou are hardly in my league, icehole. (Looks at Curtis’s ID in his wallet) I’m sorry, Curtis. Do you have a gun that shoots poison-tipped icicles?
CURTISNope. (Shoots Icicle with is handgun) Just a gun that shoots bullets, jackass.
(Icicle collapses into Curtis.)
ICICLEYou iced, iced me, baby. Tell mommy I tried to be a good boy…so cold…so cold…
(He collapses to the floor. Slick and Frosty are stunned.)
CURTISYou want some of this?
(Slick and Frosty run away, leaving the cash register. Curtis retrieves his wallet.)
TERRYDude. You probably just saved the world.
CURTISYeah. I guess so.
TERRYTake the money. It’s cool.
CURTISYeah. Okay. I really do have to. The wife and all.
(The Great Justifier bursts through the door in his tights and cape.)
JUSTIFIERStop, Evil Icicle! The Great Justifier is here. Um, hey – Who shot the bad guy?
(Curtis shoots The Great Justifier who collapses on top of The Evil Icicle.)
CURTISYeah, I’m out of here.