Week Six, Day Thirty-Eight - "That's Just Jay"

“That’s Just Jay”
Written by Joe Janes

CAST:
Amelia, 30s
Jay, 30s
Dick, 30s
Blaine, 30s
Roger, 50s

(Lights up on Dick walking up to Blaine sitting at his desk.)

DICK

So, you’ve met everyone, right, Blaine?

BLAINE

Yeah, Dick. Everyone except Jay. Everybody talks about him. Sounds like quite a character.

DICK

Boy is he ever. That guy gets away with murder. We all love him though, that’s just Jay!

(Jay enters.)

JAY

My ears are burning!

DICK

Jay!

JAY

Somebody must have been talking about me! Was it you, Dick Smoker? (Dick laughs) Was it you, New Guy?

BLAINE

We were just-

JAY

You know you sure do have a pretty mouth. (Dick laughs.)

BLAINE

Well, uh –

JAY

Squeal like a piggy for me! (Dick is doubled up in laughter, now)

BLAINE

My…pig…sounds…aren’t…good…

(Jay and Dick both crack up now.)

JAY

Did you hear him, Dick Smoker! New Guy’s golden! (Rubs Blaine’s head) Golden!

(Roger enters.)

ROGER

I hear laughter. Jay must have escaped his cubicle.

JAY

Hey, Boss Man! How’s it hanging, asshole? Still driving this company like a senior citizen into a crowded sidewalk?

(Dick and Roger crack up as Jay takes fake jabs at Roger’s stomach.)

BLAINE

You call the boss “asshole”?

ROGER (laughing)

That’s just Jay, Blaine. Oh, my. Oh, my sides…

(Amelia enters.)

JAY

Wowsy-wowsy-wowser! Amelia! Who needs little blue pills when those boobies of yours can cause instant boners? Ba-boom! That tight little blouse makes your rack look like Iraq!

(Amelia, Jay and Dick all laugh.)

BLAINE

That didn’t even make sense.

JAY

Hey, Amelia, have you met New Guy?

AMELIA

I have. Hi, Blaine.

BLAINE

That blouse looks nice on you, Amelia.

(Dead silence.)

AMELIA

Creep.

(She exits.)

JAY

Sure do have a way with the ladies, New Guy.

(He exits.)

BLAINE

But, he –

ROGER

I’m afraid I’ll have to write you up.

(Roger exits, shaking his head disapprovingly.)

DICK

You disgust me.

(He exits. Blackout.)

Week Six, Day Thirty-Seven - "The C-E-Yo's (a rap song)"

(This is Tuesday's piece. I posted it after midnight.)

The C-E-Yo’s (a rap song)
Written by Joe Janes
2/24/09
37 of 365

CAST:
Holmes, 50s
Yo-Yo, 50s
Senator, 60s

(Lights up on two businessmen begging for money on a street corner. At their feet is a champagne bucket for catching change. Holmes holds a sign that says “Need Money for Gas for Jet.” Yo-Yo holds a sign that says “Will Relinquish Bonuses For Expense Acc’t.”)

HOLMES

Man, Yo-Yo, ain’t nobody giving it up today.

YO-YO

Never thought I’d be out on the street like this, Holmes, begging for change (kicks bucket).

HOLMES

Man, it’s hard out here for a CEO.

YO-YO

People just don’t appreciate.

HOLMES

Just yesterday, we were CEOs of multi-billion dollar corporations.

YO-YO

You know what we are today?

HOLMES & YO-YO

We be the C-E-Yo’s!

(A fresh rap beat kicks in)

HOLMES

This economy is driving me crazy.

YO-YO

It means I have to work and I’m so lazy.

HOLMES

I’m making changes all over my damn life.

YO-YO

Staying married, can’t pay to divorce my wife.

HOLMES

My mistress expects diamonds or thinks I’m a bum.
Try to fool her with cubic zirconium.

YO-YO

Guess I’ll sell my private jet and fly first class.

HOLMES

I’ll fire my valet; have my wife dress my ass.

YO-YO

Send for my tailor, have him tighten my belt.

HOLMES

Never thought my golden parachute might melt.

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

YO-YO

Big parties with ice sculptures won’t be the same.

HOLMES

Less coke and hookers, Obama is to blame.

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Empty all your pockets (Can’t you see I’m crying)

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Sell some ammo and rockets (Iraq is buying)

YO-YO

I live in a mansion behind gated walls.
I need bucks or live in a box by the falls.

HOLMES (speaking)

Yo-Yo, it’s that bad?

YO-YO (speaking)

No, Holmes, that was for dramatic effect.

(Back to rapping)

Give me more moo-la or I’ll let some peeps go.

HOLMES

Kick his gardener on the street.

YO-YO

Hoeing with ho’s!

(They laugh and high five each other. A U.S. senator walks by and the rap goes on hold.)

YO-YO

Senator! Senator! C’mon, help us out.

HOLMES

Can’t you see we’ve fallen on tough times?

YO-YO

Tough times that aren’t our fault.

(The senator looks at them disapprovingly. They give him big puppy dog eyes. The senator sighs, pulls out his wallet, and drops a bill into the champagne bucket. He walks off. Holmes and Yo-Yo dive for the bill and bring it up together.)

HOLMES

A lousy billion-dollar bill! Cheapskate!

YO-YO

What are we supposed to do with a measly billion? Buy Starbucks?

(The rap kicks back in for a big finish.)

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

(They pose at the finish of the song. Blackout.)