Sunday, June 7, 2009

Week 20, Day 140 - "Swimming for Non-swimmers"

“Swimming for Non-Swimmers”
Written by Joe Janes
6/7/09
140 of 365

CAST:
Skip, 30s
Bobby, 12

(Lights up on Camp Counselor Skip Johnson mid-thigh deep in water – um, perhaps he is standing off stage at the edge of the stage. He wears a white polo shirt, a whistle, ball cap and polyester shorts. )

SKIP
Hi! Camp Counselor Skip Johnson here with a swimming lesson for you non-swimmers. Water can be fun. But it’s no fun when someone dies because they didn’t know how to keep their nose above the water line. With the help of my assistant Bobby…Bobby!...Bobby! (He reaches down and pulls Bobby up out of the water. Bobby wears nose plugs, goggles, a snorkel, deflated water wings, big baggy swimming trunks and a white t-shirt.) There you are! Well, it looks like you could really use this week’s tip, Bobby. I’m going to teach Bobby a simple swimming technique called “dog paddling.” Just lie across my arms here… (Bobby does)… cup your hands and start paddling and kicking… Just like Fido would do if we threw him in the water… Very good, Bobby. Now, I’m going to let you go, just keep kicking and paddling… (Skip removes his hands and Bobby continues to paddle around in circles, barking like a little puppy)… Very good, Bobby! The barking isn’t really necessary to support the swimming process, but bark-on, if you like. .. You may be interested to know that “waiting 30 minutes after you eat before swimming” is a myth. In fact, the type of exercise you get from swimming, - long, smooth strokes - is very helpful to the digestive system. Many doctors recommend eating while you swim. My personal favorite is a big bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich…(It would be great if Skip were able to produce these things at this moment, at the very least, he could pull half a grilled cheese sandwich out of his pocket.) The next time we get together, we’ll go over a quick and easy emergency resuscitation technique I like to call, “Don’t forget to blow”… Right, Bobby?... Bobby? (Bobby has disappeared)… I’m Camp Counselor Skip Johnson saying, “Be wet, be safe!”…Bobby?...Marco!....Marco!...

(Lights fade)

Week 20, Day 139 - "An On-line Education"

(This is Saturday's post published after midnight)

“An On-line Education”

Written by Joe Janes
6/6/09
139 of 365

CAST
Edna, 50s
Elsie, 50s
Jared, 30s

(Lights up on Edna and Elsie having coffee in Elsie’s living room. Jared, in shabby t-shirt and shorts, works at a laptop on a table off to the side.)

EDNA
This coffee is delicious. Maxwell House?

ELSIE
I switched to Folgers’s Crystals.

EDNA
It’s very good.

ELSIE
It’s the crystals.

EDNA
Has Jared found a job, yet?

ELSIE
Oh, I didn’t tell you. Jared is going to college.

EDNA
Really? That’s great. Where?

ELSIE
Right here. On the computer. You can do that these days.

EDNA
Oh, sure. I’ve seen the commercials.

ELSIE
A degree and everything.

EDNA
Jared, your mother tells me you’re a college boy, now.

JARED
Hunh? Oh, yeah. That’s right Aunt Edna.

EDNA
What’s your major?

JARED
Uh, business communications and management marketing.

EDNA
Oh, my. Very exciting.

ELSIE
Very cutting edge, right Jared?

JARED
Right, Mom.

EDNA
You’ll have to invite me to your graduation.

ELSIE
I don’t think they have one.

JARED
They just e-mail it to you and you print it out.

EDNA
The miracle of technology. Are you in class, right now?

(She gets up and moves behind him)

JARED
Yeah. I’m taking a quiz.

EDNA
What’s it about?

JARED
I’m actually done. I’m waiting for the results, now.

EDNA (reading the screen)
You are most like Jabba the Hut. Is that a good thing?

JARED
Yeah. It’s like an “A.” I have a lot more quizzes to do, so, you know…

EDNA
Study away! It’s good to see you so motivated. I always told your mother you were a late bloomer. And look at you, blooming.

ELSIE
He’ll be a college graduate in no time.

EDNA (returning to her seat)
I used to be so worried about him, Elsie. Such a loafer. Mooching off you all these years. I was wrong about you, Jared.

(He nods)

ELSIE
The tuition’s much cheaper than regular college. I don’t mind paying it at all. Worth the investment. It will make him very hirable. He’ll get a job by the time he’s 35 and then he’ll be able to take care of me for a change (she giggles.)

JARED (getting up and exiting)
Hey, Mom. Can I have your credit card?

ELSIE
Sure, Dear. It’s in my purse.

JARED (off)
Got it.

EDNA
Didn’t you already pay for his classes?

ELSIE
Sometimes there are extra class fees, just like the real thing. Right, Jared?

JARED (re-entering)
Um, yeah. Headmistress Jasmine wants to have a one-on-one tutorial with me. Costs extra. So, I’m going to take the laptop into the bathroom. For some privacy.


ELSIE
Okay, Dear. You be nice to her. Be respectful.

EDNA
Do what she says!

JARED
Oh, I will. Got to make sure Mom gets her money’s worth.

(He exits with the laptop.)

ELSIE
He’s become more thoughtful since he’s been in school.

EDNA
He seems more mature.

ELSIE
They grow up so fast.

EDNA
This is really good coffee.

ELSIE
It’s the crystals.

(Blackout)