Written by Joe Janes
172 of 365
G. Notary, 50s
(Lights up on an old, vacant bank lobby. G.Notary, dressed all in black save for the Holiday Inn bath towel wrapped around his waist. He is pacing frantically talking into a cell phone.)
G. NOTARY (on phone)Make sure it’s a hermaphrodite. Not a fuckin’ tranny…and shuh-he has to be okay with me calling her-im Nadia. …Yes. A hermaphrodite. …Why? Because I’m not a fag, that’s why! (Hangs up) Cassandra! Cassandra!
(Cassandra rushes in carrying an incredibly large cup of coffee and a zebra head.)
CASSANDRARight here, G. Right here!
G. NOTARYCassandra, we are going to transform this bank lobby in just twenty minutes into the most amazing art installation Des Moines has ever seen. Beasts of the earth roaming through the circles of life. Rivers of hungry saliva that course through a man’s soul. The power of nature juxtaposed with the power of hard, shiny surfaces and chained pens.
CASSANDRAVery powerful, G. Very powerful.
(G’s phone rings. He picks it up. Cassandra starts to walk away, but he snaps his fingers to keep her there.)
G. NOTARYG. Notary, speak! …Has she given birth? Excellent. …No, no, don’t rinse it off. We want as much placenta as possible. More the merrier. Give the mother a tranq or something. (Hangs up) The rhinoceros has given birth.
CASSANDRAThat’s great news, G!
G. NOTARYWhy are you still here?
(She quickly exits.)
G. NOTARYEduardo! Eduardo!
(Eduardo enters. He is dressed as an animal, something with a tail, like a bull, but has his own shaved human head.)
EDUARDORight here, G.
G. NOTARYEduardo! I shall devour a shake made of iced milk, chocolated. A salad, sans raisins. Dressed in ranch and the love of a motherly woman. And Frenched fries.
G. NOTARYYes. The usual.
(Eduardo starts to exit.)
G. NOTARYYou have a lovely skull.
(G’s phone rings.)
G. NOTARYG. Notary, speak! …Yes, yes! We start in less than twenty minutes. Get your garbanzo buns here, Rudolph. …And bring …Nadia. She is my muse. This installation is dedicated to her, Rudolph. Whoa, oh, whoa! My hermit like heart seals itself off like a crab shelled, yet its meat is tender and buttery … She must come. Nadia must come. Tell her there will be appletinis! (He hangs up) Why does my art bring such torment into my life? Why do I not have a breast in my hand, right now?
(G. collapses on the floor and flails himself. Blaine enters. He wears a pinstriped suit and walks with stately elegance. Very Tim Gunn.)
BLAINESmells like a funeral home in here. Pine-Sol and formaldehyde. G. your gnashing of teeth is tiresome. You must no longer mourn the loss of our father’s love. Soldier on. Bring forth your manhood and thrust it upon the marbled walls of this lobby. Set your jaw, tell the world to fuck off, and suck on the teat of life.
G. NOTARYNadia is not coming. I do this for her.
BLAINEYou do this because it is breath to you. It is your water and your life. If you did not do this, you would suffocate. Or dehydrate. Nadia is a thumbnail stabbing at the chambers of your heart. Brush it away. Brush it away.
(G. Notary stands and walks over to Blaine. He hugs him. They slap each other. They hug, again.)
G. NOTARY AND BLAINEDriver of madness, drive on!
(Blaine exits. G’s phone rings.)
G. NOTARYG. Notary, speak!... I was crying, that’s all… A better question is why aren’t we all crying all the time? …How many pillows? How many pillows? How the hell should I know? However many pillows it takes to fill this lobby up to my hips, that’s how many. I should be wading in pockets of downy goodness.
(Cassandra enters. She no longer carries the world’s largest coffee cup. She is attempting to eat the world’s largest bagel.)
CASSANDRAG. When does the show begin?
G. NOTARYA better question is when does the show end? When does it ever end?
(Eduardo enters carrying a bag of food from McDonald’s.)
EDUARDOHere is your food, G. Extra raisins.
(Blaine enters. His pant legs are rolled up to his knees and he is barefoot. Flowers stick out between his toes.)
BLAINEThe king is dead.
(Nadia enters dressed in white Jackie Kennedy-era attire.)
G. NOTARYHello, Nadia.
G. NOTARYI see.
NADIAI’m leaving you.
G. NOTARYI know.
NADIAAfter the appletinis.
G. NOTARYI knew that, too.
(G looks sad and everyone looks sympathetic. They surround him in stage-picture worthy half-hugs and hold their poses. G’s phone rings.)
G. NOTARY (picks up)G. Notary, speak! …Hermaphrodite! Look it up!