Week 49, Day 342 - "God Hates Fags"

“God Hates Fags”

Written by Joe Janes

12/26/09

342 of 365

Cast:

Oral, 50s

Richard, 30s

God, ???

(Lights up on Oral, a conservative religious right activist holding a picket sign that says “God Hates Fags.” Richard, a liberal Christian activist enters stage right carrying a sign. He stands next to Oral and holds it up. It says “God Loves Everyone.” He flips the sign and it says “Even Oral” with an arrow pointing toward Oral. Oral holds up his sign higher and flips it revealing “Especially Richard” with an arrow pointing toward Richard. Lights flash and we hear a loud crack of thunder as God appears between them carrying a sign. He is a short man with long white hair and beard and wearing a robe. He raises his sign we see that it says “I DO Hate Fags,” Richard is shocked and Oral is deliriously happy. God flips the sign and it says “But I Love Gay People.” God laughs. Richard and Oral look at him confused. God notices them not laughing. He shows them the “fag” side of the sign and then the “gay” side. Still no response from them.)

GOD

See, I hate fags. It’s an ugly word. And in my eyes, you’re all gay and I love all of you. (They are still not getting it. God gets pissed and breaks his sign.) I hate it when I have to explain my jokes! (He storms off.) You’re both going to hell!

(Blackout.)

Week 48, Day 335 - "A Signing From God"

“A Signing From God”

Written by Joe Janes

12/19/09

335 of 365

Cast

Rev. Arnold, 50s

Thea, 50s

Wally, 60s

(Lights up on the alter of a Unity Church. Rev Arnold is singing along with the rest of the congregation. Thea stands to the side signing the lyrics.)

REV. ARNOLD AND THEA (singing)

-And the Lord loves us all

Regardless of religion

Wants us all to get along

Even just a smidgen

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

REV. ARNOLD (speaking)

Please be seated. I want to thank everyone for all the cards and letters and many, many dishes of tuna noodle casserole. Many of you have expressed your sadness at my wife Estelle’s mysterious and sudden disappearance a month ago. Your support and love has helped me through a very difficult time. Many of you have suggested, with good intentions, that I take time off. Allow myself to grieve and heal. I even booked a trip to Italy. However, after some prayer and meditation, and a warning from the police not to leave town, I reconsidered. The greatest way I know to mend my heart is through your love. And while I hope and pray for Estelle’s safe return after our winter camping trip in the mountains of Montana, I believe that God has a plan. For me. And for Thea.

THEA (Stops signing)

What?

REV. ARNOLD

Thea. I believe it was God’s plan to remove the obstacle that was Estelle out of the way of our unspoken, unacknowledged passion.

(Wally, a deaf man in the front row, starts waving his hands.)

WALLY

What is he saying?

THEA (signing)

He’s saying he’s glad Estelle is gone and that he wants me!

REV. ARNOLD

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thea, that’s not what I’m saying at all. (He walks close to her and holds her hands.) I loved Estelle-

THEA

Loved? She’s only been missing a month.

REV. ARNOLD

Love, loved. Let’s not argue about God’s plan for us.

THEA

How do you know this is God’s plan?

WALLY

Let her speak!

(Thea breaks holding hands with Rev. Arnold.)

THEA

I don’t see how I could possibly be a part of God’s plan for you, Rev. Arnold.

REV. ARNOLD

After Estelle didn’t return to the tent after leaving to go to the bathroom in sub-zero degree temperatures, I prayed. I prayed to the Lord for a vision. The vision I had was of you, Thea. You were floating above me like an angel. Wings spread, halo glowing, flowing pure whites robes that the wind, like the breath of God, tore away as you descended down upon me, naked. We began kissing. Freddy Mercury and Queen rose from the earth and played “We Are The Champions” as Penelope Cruz removed my clothes and Selma Hayek licked my back. You grew four more arms and put them in every conceivable nook and cranny of my body. It was…heaven.

WALLY

Were you praying or pulling your pud?

REV. ARNOLD (signing, sort of)

Don’t sully the will of the Lord in his house, Wally. I love this woman.

WALLY

Doesn’t answer the question!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

While I am passionate about the Lord, no pud was pulled.

WALLY

The Lord is my Viagra!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

It was in this vision that I realized, Thea, that I loved you. Every Sunday, you volunteer your time to sign my sermons. I noticed over the years that I would even put in certain words just to see you interpret them. Words like love, wish, and underwear.

THEA

Rev. Arnold, I love your sermons. They have meant so much to me. What if Estelle is found and comes back?

REV. ARNOLD

Estelle’s fate is in God’s hands. And under twenty feet of snow in a crevasse. (Pause) Or so the lord may or may not have told me in a non-sexual holy vision.

(Thea and Rev. Arnold are about to kiss. The tension mounts and is interrupted by…)

WALLY

Tell us more about the Lord’s underwear!

(Blackout)

Week 44, Day 304 - "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"

“Not All Dogs Go To Heaven”

Written by Joe Janes

11/18/09

304 of 365

Cast:

Floyd, 40s

Cassandra, 12

Maria, 40s

(Lights up on Floyd doing dishes far stage left. Cassandra walks in.)

CASSANDRA

Dad?

FLOYD

Yes, Cassie?

CASSANDRA

Do you think Milton is in heaven?

FLOYD

Sure. I’m sure he’s up there right now chasing butterflies.

CASSANDRA

Is he allowed to eat the butterflies like he did in our backyard?

FLOYD

Oh, um, probably not. He’s probably allowed to chase them, but not eat them. They have rules in heaven. Like on earth.

CASSANDRA

If he killed butterflies here on earth, shouldn’t he be in hell?

FLOYD

Um, no. I don’t think so. I mean, we all kill bugs now and again, right. Like mosquitoes. I think it’s okay here.

CASSANDRA

They probably don’t have mosquitoes in heaven.

FLOYD

Probably not. Not with all their blood sucking. That’s why butterflies get in. No blood sucking. And they’re pretty. Like you.

CASSANDRA

Thanks, Dad. I feel better about Milton.

FLOYD

Good. Give me a kiss and go tell your mom “Dancing With The Stars” is on in twenty minutes.

(She does and exits over to far stage right where Maria sits in her easy chair reading the newspaper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom, Dad says “Dancing With The Stars” will be on in twenty minutes.

MARIA

Just enough time for me to finish reading the paper and head to the… library.

CASSANDRA

Mom, do you think Milton’s in heaven?

MARIA

No.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

There’s no such thing as heaven. Just a figment of someone’s imagination. Made up so people don’t realize their life is crap and they’re too stupid to make it better. They bank on having a chance after they die.

CASSANDRA

What happens when we die?

MARIA

Nothing. Lights out. That’s it.

CASSANDRA

It will be like sitting alone in my bedroom in the dark.

MARIA

No, Cassandra, then you’d still exist. When you die, you stop existing. It’s like shutting off the TV or when your dad has too many margaritas. Your body, your mind, it all just shuts down.

CASSANDRA

That makes sense, but it’s fun to believe Milton’s in heaven chasing butterflies.

MARIA

Sure it is. But he’s not. He’s just a bunch of decaying flesh and bones in the backyard. Hey, tell your dad not to mess with the DVR when he’s watching “Dancing With The Stars.”

(Cassandra exits over to Floyd, who is now taking a cake out of the oven.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, mom says not to mess with the DVR when you watch “Dancing With The Stars.”

FLOYD

I never do. I don’t know why she thinks I do. I don’t even know how to use that thing.

CASSANDRA

Mom also says there is no heaven and when we die, that’s it. Nothing.

FLOYD

Well, some people believe that. Others don’t. It’s whatever you choose to believe.

CASSANDRA

Does believing make it real?

FLOYD

Well, you have to have faith. Like it says in the Bible. I choose to believe there’s a heaven and when we die, we’ll all be happy living there with Jesus.

CASSANDRA

Chasing butterflies?

FLOYD

Yes. Chasing butterflies with Jesus. And Milton. He’ll be there waiting for us.

CASSANDRA

Cool. What about mom? If she doesn’t believe in heaven, is she going to hell?

FLOYD

Sadly, yes. Tell your mom that if she goes to the “library” she needs to be back by ten o’clock or she sleeps on the couch.

(Cassandra exits and heads over to her mother who is still reading the paper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom says to be home by ten or sleep on the couch.

MARIA

I love that couch.

CASSANDRA

And she says you’re going to hell.

MARIA

Can’t.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

I don’t believe in hell.

CASSANDRA

If you believed in it, would you go?

MARIA

Nope. It doesn’t exist. Can’t go somewhere if it doesn’t exist. No matter how much you believe in it. (She puts her paper down.) Here’s the thing, Cassandra. Don’t worry about what happens to you after you die. Worry about what happens to you here, now, while you’re alive. That’s the only thing you can do anything about. You know the difference between right and wrong?

CASSANDRA

When Milton brought you the paper, that was right. When he pooped on the rug, that was wrong.

MARIA

You get the idea. All you can do is try to get through life doing as many right things as possible. And if you do something wrong, don’t tell anyone.

(Maria grabs Cassandra’s hand and heads to the kitchen where Floyd is frosting a cake.)

MARIA (continuing)

Hey, Floyd. I’m going to the “library.” The TV is all yours. That cake for the church bake sale looks good.

FLOYD (kissing Maria on the cheek)

Thanks, Maria. It’s a butterfly in honor of Milton. Have fun studying.

(Maria exits. Floyd resumes frosting.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, if there is a hell, is there anything we can do to keep Mom from going there?

FLOYD

We can pray for her.

CASSANDRA

Will that help?

FLOYD

I don’t think it ever helps. But it will make us feel better. And, really, if you think about it, is it such a bad thing if your mother spends eternity in hell while we’re in heaven? More TV for us!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Floyd smacks Cassandra hard on the forehead.)

CASSANDRA

Dad!

FLOYD

Mosquito.

CASSANDRA

Go to hell, mosquito!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Blackout.)

Week 37, Day 258 - "Come Again, Again"

“Come Again, Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/3/09

258 of 365

CAST

Juanita, 60

Merle, 40

Zak, 80

Felicia, 20

Nadia, 30

Jesus, 33

(Everyone except Jesus is huddled downstage looking out at an image on a wall. They are enraptured. Upstage, Jesus, in robes and sandals, walks across from stage right to stage left. Before clearing the stage, he stops when he hears this…)

JUANITA

It’s a miracle.

MERLE

It’s a sign from God almighty.

ZAK

I’m going to pray for it to heal my erectile dysfunction.

(He starts praying.)

FELICIA

It looks just like him…from this angle.

NADIA

It fills me with hope. It means Jesus is looking out for us.

(Jesus is a little annoyed by hearing this, He comes up through the center or the crowd to see what they are looking at.)

JESUS

What am I looking at?

JUANITA

It’s the image of our savior.

JESUS

I’m not seeing it.

MERLE (demonstrating)

Soft eyes, soft eyes…

JESUS (using soft eyes)

…Okay…I think I see it…what’s it made out of?

ZAK

Bird poop.

JESUS

What?

ZAK

Several pounds of bird poop. See, the pigeons roost up there under the overpass. They poop and it dribbles down the side. After all these years, it’s formed into this heavenly apparition.

FELICIA

It’s truly a miracle. I once saw the bird poop cry.

NADIA

A sign that in these dark, desperate times, our shepherd is here to save us. To protect us. I feel so blessed.

(Jesus looks at the image more intently. Then shrugs.)

JESUS

Looks like Elvis.

(He exits as the rest look at the image differently and with sadness and disappointment. Lights fade.)

Week 37, Day 257 - "Come Again"

“Come Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/2/09

257 of 365

CAST:

Father Ritchie, 40s

Donna, 20s

Jesus, 33

(Lights up on Father Ritchie pacing around his church’s lobby. Donna enters carrying a box.)

DONNA

Father Ritchie. I brought everything you asked me to bring.

FATHER

Oh, thank you, Donna. Thank you.

DONNA

What’s the big occasion?

FATHER

Donna, he’s coming.

DONNA

Tom Cruise?

FATHER

No. Jesus. Jesus is coming.

DONNA

Father Ritchie, that’s just a bumper sticker we give out at Sunday coffee.

FATHER

No, Donna. I had a vision. He came to me during the night. My room filled with light and this figure of a holy man came down from the heavens and stood before me.

DONNA

What did he say?

FATHER

Hi. I’m Jesus. I’m coming back. He was very to the point.

DONNA

Wow. That’s amazing. Did he give any more details?

FATHER

He did. He said how’s 10am in the church foyer?

DONNA

Jesus used the word “foyer”? He’s so wise. What did you say?

FATHER

It’s a Thursday. I’m free all day. And then he floated away.

DONNA

It’s almost 10. I’m going to meet Jesus.

FATHER

Yes, Donna. We both are. Live and in the flesh.

DONNA

Why me? Out of all the people in the world, Father Ritchie, why me? Why was I chosen?

FATHER

Oh, it’s a Thursday morning. You work nights at a 711. I knew you were available.

DONNA

My lack of ambition has finally worked in my favor.

(Jesus enters dressed in standard savior garb, robe and sandals.)

JESUS

Father Ritchie.

FATHER (kneeling)

Jesus Christ, my Lord.

(Donna kneels, too.)

JESUS

You really don’t need to do that. Please get up. Really, please.

(They do so and stand for an awkward moment.)

FATHER

So…welcome back. What brings you here?

JESUS

Well, I have big plans, Father Ritchie. My father and I have a message of peace and understanding-

FATHER

Oh! We got you a few things.

JESUS

Not really necessary.

FATHER

Oh, but it’s our pleasure. Good pleasure. Not pleasure pleasure. Donna, the box. (Donna brings the box over.)

DONNA

I’m Donna. But you probably already knew that.

JESUS

Actually, I didn’t. Nice to meet you.

FATHER

I had Donna stop by the church gift shop and pick up a few things-

DONNA

I thought you knew everything.

JESUS

That’s my dad. I’m just smart.

FATHER

We got you one of our finest Bibles.

(Father hands him a Bible.)

JESUS

One of your finest. There’s more than one.

FATHER

Oh, hundreds. This one is written in modern vernacular so everyone can enjoy it.

(Jesus flips through it.)

JESUS

Nice binding. (Reads) “Iron Box Mary.”

FATHER

Slang for “virgin.”

JESUS

My mother was a virgin? I don’t think that’s accurate. Doesn’t make much sense.

DONNA

Haven’t you read the Bible?

JESUS

Just the Old Testament. Of course, back then; we just called it The Testament. Anyway, my plan is to spread the word of God to all corners of the world-

FATHER (handing it to Jesus)

And we got you the Lord’s Prayer pressed into a penny.

JESUS

Oh, look at that. You mutilated a coin in honor of Christianity. I can get behind that.

DONNA

This way, you can keep the Lord’s Prayer with you at all times.

JESUS

I already do.

DONNA

You mean in your heart.

JESUS

I mean up here. (Points to his head) It’s pretty easy to memorize. Just don’t ask me the Ten Commandments. I always blank out on one or two.

FATHER

Me, too!

DONNA

I’m that way with the seven dwarves.

JESUS

So, Father Ritchie, and Donna, you two are the start of my plan. You represent my flock. I was gone for a while. Haven’t really been paying much attention, either. I’m ready to come back. But I will need trustworthy disciples-

FATHER

Oh, there’s one more gift. You can put it on your wall-

JESUS

I don’t have a wall-

FATHER (pulling it out of the box)

It’s a crucifix-

JESUS

What the fuck! Are you a fucking lunatic! Get that thing away from me!

FATHER

But, look, it’s you. Right there!

DONNA

Jesus is a vampire.

JESUS

I’m not a vampire. That was the worst day of my life! What makes you think Id want to relive that?

DONNA

But you died for our sins.

JESUS

I didn’t have a choice. That thing is sick. You people are sick. You people put that up on your walls?

FATHER

We have a huge one over the altar. (He points. Jesus notices.)

JESUS

Me nailed to a cross bleeding is above your altar? You guys working for Satan?

DONNA

We drink your blood and eat your flesh.

JESUS

And you called me a vampire. Fucking cannibals. Are you all like this?

FATHER

Well, just the Christians. The Jews don’t do that. They don’t believe in you.

JESUS

Great. You guys treat me like some Halloween party decoration and the Jews think I’m Santa Claus. Screw it. I’m outta here. (He looks up as he exits) I tried, Dad. I tried. Nice work.

(He throws the Bible at them and exits. Father Ritchie considers the crucifix.)

FATHER

This thing is a bit hideous.

DONNA

I don’t know. I think he has nice hips.

(Blackout)

Week 36, Day 251 - "The Awakening"

“The Awakening”

Written by Joe Janes

9/26/09

251 of 365

CAST

Henry, 50s

Father Theodore, 50s

(Lights up on Henry’s bedroom early in the morning. He is deep asleep. His bell alarm clock goes off. He hits the button and it goes off. He barely wakes up to do that. He is quickly back to slumbering. Another electric alarm clock goes off across the room. He growls. He gets up and crosses the room to turn it off. He stands for a moment in the dark. He takes a deep breath. He coughs a bit. He rubs his face. He stretches. It feels good. He walks back to the bed and crawls back in and goes to sleep. Another buzzing alarm clock outside the room goes off. He climbs out of bed and stumbles out the door to offstage. We hear a cat get stepped on; he says “Fuck!” and a lamp gets knocked over. He turns the alarm clock off. He comes back into the bedroom and turns the light on. He stretches some more as he walks to the center of the room. He gets down on the floor on his back and starts to do sit-ups. He starts off quickly and spends more and more time when he is on his back. Until finally, he simply lies on his back. After a pause, he farts. A moment later, we hear soft snoring. A clock radio goes off near his bed. It’s playing whatever horrible schlocky dance Top Ten hit of the moment, Miley Cyrus or something. He crawls over and shuts it off. While on his knees, he collapses the upper part of his body onto his bed. Father Theodore stands in the doorway holding a broken lamp. He lightly clears his throat. Henry straightens up and pretends to be praying. Father Theodore shakes his head and walks off. Henry peeks to see if Father Theodore is still there. Relieved to find him gone, he sits on the edge of his bed. He looks distraught. He wonders if he’s really cut out for the monastery. He looks up, closes his eyes and prays for real. We hear the glorious sound of angels. Henry looks perturbed. He reaches over to the foot of the bed and turns off another alarm clock. Blackout.)

Week 32, Day 218 - “A Gospel Song for Atheists”

“A Gospel Song for Atheists”
Written by Joe Janes
8/24/09
218 of 365

CAST
Duke, 20s
Lacey, 20s
Zip, 20s
Chip, 30s
Daria, 30s
Molly, 40s

(Lights up on Duke, Lacey, and Zip playing dominoes. Off to the side, Chip and Daria play darts. Molly enters. She enters with a can of beer. She sits away from everyone else and pops it open.)

CHIP

Hey, Sarge. What’s up?

MOLLY

You guys hear about Keith?

DARIA

Yah. We heard. It sucks.

ZIP

I didn’t hear.

LACEY

Keith got hit.

ZIP

Sniper?

DUKE

Volvo. He was jay walking.

CHIP

Come all the way across the world to put your life on the line for your country and get killed by a car. Shit. I could have done that at home.

MOLLY

At least he’s in a better place.

CHIP

Depends on who you ask.

DARIA

What’s that mean? Keith was a good guy.

ZIP

Dude’s in heaven.

LACEY

Keith was an atheist. Don’t you have to believe in heaven to get into heaven?

DUKE

I don’t think that excludes you. Maybe it's like a surprise party. “Surprise – you’ve reached the golden gates.”

MOLLY

If you ask the Muslims, the ones we’re fighting for or against on any given day, they’ll tell you we’re all going to hell regardless of what we do.

ZIP

They actually are pro killing people to get into heaven.

LACEY

And they set you up with 27 virgins if you do. Is that really a plus? Getting hooked up with a room full of Dukes?

DUKE

Hey!

CHIP (singing)

People trying to get into heaven
sure makes it hell of earth
Christians claim to be very wise men
Who believe in virgin birth

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Do I really have to pray?

DARIA

So many religions all with their own take

MOLLY

Trying to figure out why I’m fighting Shiites and Sunnis

ZIP

Is it for God, Muhammad or Joseph Smith’s sake?

DARIA

I remember growing up only fearing the Moonies

MOLLY (speaking)

At the airport.

DARIA (speaking)

That’s right.

CHIP

All we have is our brief moment in time
We’re on this planet separate, but equal
When we’ve taken our last breath, all is sublime
That’s it, it’s over, there’s not even a sequel

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Does it matter what they say?

LACEY (bridge)

What if one of them is right or maybe it’s all
Methodist or Mormon or flying spaghetti
We just have to do something to avoid a fall (to hell)
We just have to believe in something and not be petty

CHIP

You think we do end up wherever we believe

MOLLY

If we have faith in nothing, the lights just get turned off

DUKE

When you kiss that bus or bullet you go on permanent leave

ZIP

The grim reaper just grabs your balls and tells you to cough

CHORUS (ALL)

Turn off the light
There is no way
No one is right
Better just live for the day

(Air raid sirens start going off – They all look at one another. Duke crosses himself, Zip kisses his rosary beads, Molly says a quick prayer, Chip quickly meditates, Daria kisses her Star of David, and Lacey faces Mecca and quickly does a Muslim salat prayer ritual

ALL

Better just live for the day

(Blackout)

Week 31, Day 216 -“A Member of the Church of God”

“A Member of the Church of God”

Written by Joe Janes

8/22/09

216 of 365

CAST

Yvonne, 40s

Larry, 40s

Mikey, 6

(Lights up on Yvonne and Larry sitting in their living room. On the floor, Mikey draws on a piece of paper.)

YVONNE

I don’t see why God can’t be a woman.

LARRY

God created ”man” in “his” image.

YVONNE

Just because they don’t have gender-neutral pronouns in the Bible, doesn’t mean God is not a woman. Or, for that matter, gender-neutral. Why does God have to be anything?

LARRY

God is a man. Jesus was a man. Our minister is a man. God is a man.

YVONNE

Whatever. (She sighs.) What are you drawing there, Mikey?

MIKEY (showing his parents)

It’s a picture of God… and that’s his penis.

(Yvonne glares at Larry. Larry grabs the drawing and crumples it up embarrassed. Mikey has no idea what just happened. Blackout.)

Week 22, day 149 - "Chrysler On A Stick"

“Chrysler On A Stick”
Written by Joe Janes
6/16/09
149 of 365

CAST:
Gary Pokuza, 50s
Val Pokuza, 20s

(Lights up on Gary Pokuza sitting at his desk buried in paper work. Val sticks his head in the door.)

VAL

Hey, um, Dad?

GARY

Whatcha got for me, Val?

VAL

I, well, I wanted to ask you something.

(Val sits.)

GARY

Sure thing. Need a little man-to-man talk, son?

VAL

It’s more employee-to-man, Dad.

GARY

Shoot.

VAL

Well, as you know, I’ve been going to church on Sundays.

GARY

You have?

VAL

Yeah. For the last year and a half. Every Sunday.

GARY

Oh, yeah, your mother was saying something about it to me. She was all worried about you going to church. I’m like, what’s the big deal? Can’t hurt. I used to go to church all the time. On Sundays.

VAL

Really?

GARY

Yeah, yeah. Before you were born. Used to go to United Methodist. Great pot lucks. Didn’t even care if you brought anything. Just show up and eat. Good folks. Is that where you’re going?

VAL

No. I go to Christ Almighty on the Cross. South of town near the old industrial plant. On route 163.

GARY

Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve been by there. Used to be a fire station, right?

VAL

That’s the one.

GARY

Okay. Good. Whatever floats your boat. They have good potlucks at this Christ on a Stick?

VAL

On the Cross. Yeah. They do. Once a month. Fettuccine and Fellowship. Everyone brings a pasta dish.

GARY

Good. Good to know. You don’t want me to go, do you?

VAL

Um, sure. I’d love it.

GARY

I don’t want to.

VAL

That’s okay, too.

GARY

Okay, good. I’m glad we had this talk. I have a ton of paperwork to plow through.

VAL

Actually, Dad, I wanted to see if it would be okay with you if I prayed.

GARY

Right, now?

VAL

No. Not now. But here. At work. Would that be okay with you?

GARY

Son, we sell Chryslers. That’s why the sign out there says Gary Pokuza Chrysler. It’s hard enough to get people through the door. Seeing you in the middle of the showroom on your knees with folded hands might look a little desperate. We don’t want to turn off any potential customers.

VAL

I don’t have to do it in the showroom, Dad. I just want a little space set aside, maybe in the break room, near the coffeemaker, where I can pray three times a day.

GARY

Three times a day.

VAL

About ten minutes each.

GARY

Can’t you just do it at night before you go to bed, like everyone else?

VAL

Is that when you pray?

GARY

I haven’t prayed in 25 years. And that was for your mother to have a girl. I’m not as confident as you are in the power of prayer, Val.

VAL

Oh. Oh! (Visibly upset by this news) Do you mind if I pray, now?

(He starts to get down on his knees. Gary lifts him back up into his chair.)

GARY

That’s old news, Son. And I don’t mean it anymore. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re my boy. Listen, I’d really rather not anyone see an employee down on his knees in my office. People might get the wrong idea.

VAL

I need a place to pray, Dad. You know, I didn’t want to mention this, but it’s my legal right to practice my religion.

GARY

Okay, okay. I’m not denying that. But, sheesh, thirty minutes a day? Every day? How big is your list? What the hell are you praying for?

VAL

Forgiveness.

GARY

That’s it? Can’t you just do it once and get it over with? God has big ears. I’m sure he heard you the first time.

VAL

I sin every day and require his forgiveness every day.

GARY

You sin every day? What the hell did you already sin about today? It’s not even ten o’clock.

VAL

I had impure thoughts about Juanita the receptionist.

GARY

Damn, Val. If I prayed every time I had an impure thought about Juanita, I’d never sell a car.

VAL

That’s why I pray every day.

GARY

Sheesh, I don’t think this is a freedom of religion issue. You just need to manage your time better. Let those impure thoughts build up over the week and then you get more bang for your buck at the Sunday services. Make your minister earn his pay.

VAL

But I love Jesus. I want to make sure I’m right with him every day.

GARY

I love football, but I’m fine with it just being on Sundays.

VAL

It’s not just on Sundays.

GARY

Okay, Monday nights, too.

VAL

Saturdays.

GARY

College football, yes.

VAL

And Thursdays.

GARY

And the occasional Thursday night and the Friday night high school games. I get it. I guess if I could watch football three times a day, I would. Knock yourself out. But pray in the utility closet and not when your Uncle Chet is in there with his magazines.

VAL

Deal. Thanks, Dad. I’ll go pray right now.

GARY

Pray for a car sale.

VAL

I will. And I’ll pray for you.

GARY

Whoa, why are you praying for me?

VAL

I don’t want your soul to burn for eternity in hell.

GARY

Yeah. Okay. Pray for that.

(Val exits. Gary looks up to the ceiling.)

GARY

I wanted a girl.

(Blackout.)