Week 30, Day 210 - “A Cup of Joe"

“A Cup of Joe”
Written by Joe Janes
8/16/09
210 of 365

CAST:
Joan, late 20s
Lucy, early 20s
Timm, 50s

(Lights up on a hole-in-the-wall independent bagel and coffee place. Joan stands in the kitchen doorway smoking a cigarette and being sure to blow the smoke outside. Lucy is cleaning and espresso machine.)

JOAN

So… Joe’s coming over tonight. First time. That’s pretty big.

LUCY

I don’t know. I guess. I get to cook for him.

JOAN

Hmmmm… Third date? Fourth date?

LUCY

Fourth. Technically.

JOAN

He’s going to be in your territory.

LUCY

Right. I have the home turf advantage.

JOAN

I doubt he sees it that way.

LUCY

I like the guy. He’s cool. He’s nice. I’m not worried.

JOAN

You cook him dinner. He eats it. He has some wine, yes? (Lucy nods) You have some wine… It’s just too horribly convenient.

LUCY

We’re not eating dinner naked on my bed.

(Timm, 50s, enters and looks up to ponder the coffee menu.)

JOAN

You’re in your apartment. Secluded. Casual. He doesn’t have to want to get you into your bedroom. The whole apartment is a boudoir. You go into the kitchen to get dessert, come back and find him naked standing on your coffee table.

LUCY

You really don’t know Joe.

JOAN

Lucy.

LUCY

What?

JOAN

I do know Joe.

TIMM

Hello. I would like a latte.

LUCY (defiantly)

I don’t have a coffee table.

(She goes back to cleaning. Joan puts out her cigarette. Timm sighs. Blackout.)

Week 29, Day 199 - “People Let Me Tell Ya’”

“People Let Me Tell Ya’”
Written by Joe Janes
8/5/09
199 of 365

CAST
Don, 40s
Joe, 40s

(Lights up on Don and Joe having coffee in a coffee shop.)

JOE

What was your favorite costume at Comic Con?

DON

That guy in the Chewbacca outfit was pretty awesome.

JOE

The dude had hypertrichosis and a sash. Not a costume.

(Alice walks by carrying two “to go” cups of coffee.)

ALICE

Hey, Don.

DON

Hey, Alice. Taking a break from work?

ALICE

On a coffee run.

DON

Oh, hey, Alice. Let me introduce you to my best friend, Joe.

ALICE

Oh, you’re Joe.

JOE

Yep. I am.

(He stands and they shake hands.)

JOE (continuing)

Nice to meet you.

ALICE

Nice to meet you, too. See you later, Don.

DON

See you later. (To Joe) She’s nice.

JOE

Seems nice.

DON

What did you think was the best costume at Comic Con?

JOE

My favorite was the old fat lady with the stringy gray hair and tattooed arms and the “Han Shot First” t-shirt.

DON

That wasn’t a costume.

JOE

We don’t know that.

(Michelle walks by carrying a cup of coffee and a laptop.)

MICHELLE

Oh, hey, Joe.

JOE

Hi, Michelle. Doing some writing?

MICHELLE

Yeah. Had to get out of the house and someplace not my house.

JOE

Oh, hey, this is my friend Don.

DON

Hey.

MICHELLE

Hi.

(They shake hands, as best they can, since Michelle’s hands are full.)

JOE

Michelle is a former student.

DON

Ah.

MICHELLE

Well, you guys have fun doing whatever.

JOE

You, too.

(Michelle exits. Joe and Don sip their coffee.)

DON

You know, there’s something I noticed.

JOE

About Michelle? She’s mostly straight, I think.

DON

No, no. Not that. I noticed that whenever I introduce you to someone, I refer to you as my best friend.

JOE

Uh-hunh.

DON

And you only refer to me as your friend.

JOE

Like Kirk and Spock. I have been and always shall be your friend.

DON

But you never refer to me as your “best” friend.

JOE

I don’t think Kirk and Spock ever referred to each other as “best” friends. Goes without saying.

DON

So, you’re saying I am your best friend.

JOE

You’re up there. You’re a close second.

DON

Second? You mean, I’m McCoy?

JOE

My best friend is my cat.

DON

You put your cat ahead of me.

JOE

And I have two cats. So, I don’t take this lightly. Houdini is first, you’re second, and Oona is third.

DON

Usually “best” friend is a mutual thing. It’s like a relationship. Two-way. If I’m not your best friend, then you’re no longer my best friend.

JOE

That’s not fair. You don’t have a pet.

DON

I used to have a cat. Edgar.

JOE

You got rid of him because you’re girlfriend was allergic.

DON

So?

JOE

Bro’s before ho’s, Don. Bro’s before Ho’s. Houdini and I put each other before girls.

DON

He’s a cat.

JOE

He’s still my best friend. He listens to me-

DON

I do that.

JOE

He’s there when I need him.

DON

I do that.

JOE

He’s comforting.

DON

I’m comforting.

JOE

We have fun together.

DON

We have fun together,

JOE

He cuddles with me and licks my nose.

DON

I’m cuddly.

JOE

I’m sure you are. But I only cuddle with my best friend, Houdini.

(Don takes a sad, dejected sip of his coffee.)

JOE (continuing)

Look, you are the highest-ranking human on my friend list. That counts for something. You are my best human friend.

DON

I guess that’s something.

(Lian the server enters. She puts down their check.)

LIAN

I’ll take this when you’re ready.

JOE

Wait. Um, what’s your name?

LIAN

Lian.

JOE

Lian. I’d like to introduce you to my absolute best human friend ever, Don.

LIAN

Nice to meet you.

DON (cheering up a bit)

Thanks.

LIAN (to Joe)

Cat owner?

JOE

Yeah.

LIAN

So was my ex-best friend. (Slides bill to Joe) He’s paying.

(She exits. Joe takes out his wallet.)

JOE

Aw, crap. I don’t have any cash on me. (Looks pleadingly at Don)

DON

Maybe you should call your best friend. Maybe he can help you out.

(Joe sighs. Opens his backpack. A cat paw with ten dollars attached to it pops out. He takes it and puts it on the table.)

JOE

Who’s my best friend? Who’s my best friend?

(Joe then sticks his faces in the backpack and makes kissy sounds as Don puts his face in his hands. Lights fade.)

Week 25, Day 173 - “You Have Placed A Chill In My Heart”

“You Have Placed A Chill In My Heart”
Written by Joe Janes
7/10/09
173 of 365

CAST:
Debra, 20s
Scott, 30s
Five Ninjas

(Lights up on Debra sweeping the floor of a coffee shop late at night. She wears a green apron and matching cap. Scott, the manager, crosses the stage carrying cash register rolls. Debra pauses and smiles at him.)

DEBRA

Long day, eh, Scott?

(Scott says nothing and does not even make eye contact with her as he passes. Debra goes back to sweeping.)

DEBRA (to the audience)

I’ve thought about it. I could be a great super hero. I’m invisible.

(Scott pokes his head out from the back of the store.)

SCOTT

Debra. Hurry up. I want to close up.

DEBRA

Unfortunately, it’s selective invisibility. I can be seen when people need something from me. (Her cell phone rings.) Hi, Mom… I’m not psychic. It’s a cell phone. I can tell when you’re calling. …Toilet paper and milk… Can’t it wait till morning? …Yes, I can swing by the store. …And coffee? Mom, I get free coffee from here. …You’ve never tried it. … Fine. Toilet paper, milk and Maxwell House. That’s going to mean another forty-five minutes before I get home… Just tired is all. And I wanted to watch some television before I crashed… You’re right. You’re right. Milk and toilet paper are more important… Don’t wait up. (She hangs up) Please don’t wait up.

(She resumes sweeping. Scott pokes his head out.)

SCOTT

Jesus, Debra. You’re not done, yet.

DEBRA

Almost, Scott. Sorry. My mom called and I got distracted.

SCOTT

Tell your mom that if she’s going to keep bugging you at work, she can come down here and fight the ninjas.

DEBRA

Do the what, now?

SCOTT

Fight the ninjas? Hello?

(Just then five ninjas emerge from the shadows and circle Debra. She quickly dispatches most of them using her broom and a series of kickass kung fu moves. One remaining ninja grabs Scott and threatens to kill him with his sword. Debra drops her broom in compliance. She then seductively removes her hat, shaking her hair loose. She then removes her apron. The ninja and Scott are both very interested in this sexier version of Debra. Debra throws the apron at the ninja who drops his sword trying to defend himself against her apron. She quickly dispatches him, snapping his neck.)

SCOTT

Good job, Debra. Nicely done.

DEBRA

Thanks, Scott.

SCOTT

Now, hurry up and finish cleaning so we can close up. After you dispose of the bodies, you’ll have to mop. Dead ninjas on the floor are a health code violation. (Debra looks at her watch) the longer you take; the longer we’ll be here. C’mon. Tick-tock. (He exits. Debra starts to drag one of the ninjas off stage.)

DEBRA

The hourly wage sucks, but I get a free pound of coffee a week and health benefits.

(Lights fade)

Week 24, Day 167 - "How Bad's The Coffee?"

“How Bad’s The Coffee?”
Written by Joe Janes
7/4/09
167 of 365

CAST:
Clyde, 40s
Morgan, 40s
Jeri, 40s

(Lights up on a plain-clothes cop, Jeri, in an interrogation room with Clyde, who sits slumped in his chair wearing a bathrobe. We can see bloodstains on his t-shirt. Morgan, another plainclothes cop, enters carrying two cups of coffee in Styrofoam cups and sets them down on the table.)

JERI

Thanks, Morgan.

(Jeri takes a sip and grimaces.)

MORGAN

How bad’s the coffee, Jeri?

JERI

Bad.

CLYDE

It’s in a Styrofoam cup.

JERI

And?

CLYDE

You’ll never have a good cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup. Simple as that. Styrofoam, even food-grade Styrofoam, isn't cured to the extent necessary to remove all out-gassing and leave only inert polymer. Hot beverages accelerate the release of free styrene monomer, among other things.

JERI

Great. So this Styrofoam cup is just one more shitty thing in this world out to kill me.

CLYDE

Not really. It just fucks up the taste. Is that one for me?

MORGAN

Yeah. Sorry, Clyde. Only got Styrofoam. Take it or leave it.

CLYDE

I’ll take it. I need it.

(He takes a sip and winces.)

CLYDE

None for you, Detective Morgan?

MORGAN

Makes me pee too much.

CLYDE

Caffeine is a diuretic. Diuretics promote the function of the kidneys, which filters urine. That makes you pee a lot.

JERI

Coffee makes me bust a move, if you know what I mean.

CLYDE

Caffeine inhibits an enzyme that is thought to regulate mucosal secretions in your small intestine. Secretions go up, so fluid in your bowel goes up, and if the amount of fluid in your colon is greater than the amount of fluid you can reabsorb, splat, you get diarrhea, or at least looser stools.

MORGAN

I think I just lost my taste for coffee altogether.

JERI

It’s never been about the taste, for me. If I don’t have my coffee, I get grumpy. You wouldn’t like me when I’m grumpy.

MORGAN

So, that’s what does it. I thought you were just born with a stick up your ass.

(They laugh.)

CLYDE

Irritability, gloom and constant fatigue along with sensations of discomfort are the primary symptoms of coffee addiction. The worst part is when you try dozing off at night, you just can't, no matter how hard you try; you just aren't able to fall asleep. That's not the end, it all goes round and round in a cycle: You wake up the next morning feeling low and stressed out, thirsty and craving for yet another steaming hot cup of coffee. Once you're tied into this chain of coffee consumption, it becomes too difficult to get yourself out of it.

(He takes another sip of his coffee, as does Jeri.)

CLYDE

Sweeten it and add cream, and you have quite the addiction cocktail. Caffeine, sugar, fat. It’s a steady daily intake of poison and quite the moneymaker for coffee “dealers.”

JERI

Clyde. Let’s get down to business here. Why’d you kill your wife?

CLYDE (sipping more coffee)

Bitch couldn’t make a decent cup of coffee.

(Blackout)

Week 22, day 150 - “My Father’s Beret”

“My Father’s Beret”
Written by Joe Janes
6/17/09
150 of 365

CAST:
Mother, 60s
Gabriel, 30s
Tabitha. 20s
Buck, 40s
Katrina, 30s
Katrina’s father, 60s
Fogo de Chao server, 20s


(Lights up on Gabriel and his mother in a coffee shop. Katrina, wearing a yellow bonnet, screams, running by the window behind them. Gabriel sees this. His mother holds out her teacup and saucer to him.)

GABRIEL

Did you see-?

MOTHER

Try this jasmine tea, Gabriel.

GABRIEL

Oh, that’s okay-

MOTHER

My arm is getting tired.

GABRIEL

Oh, okay. (He sips.) That’s nice, Mom.

MOTHER

Don’t you want to order one? Go ahead and order one. It’s your birthday.

GABRIEL

You just want me to find another reason to talk to the barista.

MOTHER

She’s a cutey pie. Couldn’t you just picture her covered in meringue?

GABRIEL

Yes. I could.

MOTHER

And I didn’t see a ring on her finger.

GABRIEL

I’m fine with my soy latte.

MOTHER

Okay. Just thought being your birthday and all. Live it up, Gabriel. Oh, that reminds me. Speaking of living it up.

(She reaches under the table and brings out a gift box.)

GABRIEL

Oh, you didn’t have to do that, Mom.

MOTHER

Of course, I did. You’re my boy. You’re a man. A fully-grown man. Living alone. With cats. But you’ll always be my boy. Open it.

(He does and he pulls out a black beret.)

GABRIEL

It’s a… beret?

MOTHER

Not just any beret, Gabriel. That beret belonged to your father. He was wearing it when we met. He looked very dashing in it and you will, too. Try it on.

GABRIEL

Oh, boy. (He reluctantly puts it on) Thanks, Mom.

MOTHER (adjusting it on his head)

Oh, my. Look at you. You are going to break a lot of hearts with that beret.

TABITHA

You folks doing all right over here?

MOTHER

It’s Gabriel’s birthday.

GABRIEL

Mom.

TABITHA

Happy Birthday, Gabriel. That is the most fantastic beret I have ever seen on a man. May I give you a birthday kiss?

GABRIEL

Well, I-

TABITHA

If you say no, I will die.

MOTHER

Say yes.

GABRIEL

Yes!

(Tabitha gets in his lap and gives him a big ol’ kiss. It lasts for a while. Buck, the manager enters.)

BUCK

Tabitha! This is highly inappropriate.

(Tabitha gets up quickly and adjusts herself.)

TABITHA

I’m sorry, Buck. I just couldn’t help myself.

BUCK

Turn in your apron, young lady.

(Tabitha takes off her apron.)

TABITHA

Buck. I need this job-

GABRIEL

Give her another chance; it’s my fault, really-

BUCK

You, sir! How dare you come into my establishment looking so god damn handsome. (Buck starts kissing Gabriel) It should be against the law.

GABRIEL

It might be a health code violation.

TABITHA

Save some for me, Buck.

(Tabitha tries to get some Gabriel action.)

GABRIEL

Mom! What have you done?

MOTHER

Nothing, son! It’s just your father’s hat. But you do look quite fetching in it. Meow!

(She starts rubbing Gabriel’s leg. He screams and runs out. We follow him outside the coffee shop in the alley. He takes off the hat and leans against the wall, out of breath. He hears Katrina sobbing softly.)

GABRIEL

Who’s there?

KATRINA

I’m sorry. I just came running out here from the restaurant next door.

GABRIEL

Fogo de Chau?

KATRINA

It’s really way too much meat. I had to get away.

GABRIEL

What’s that you’re holding?

KATRINA

It’s a yellow bonnet that belonged to my grandmother. My father gave it to me. I think it’s cursed.

GABRIEL

Put it on.

KATRINA

You don’t understand.

GABRIEL

Put it on.

(She does. Gabriel checks her out.)

GABRIEL (continuing)

Wow. It makes your eyes come alive. (He puts on his beret.) This belonged to my father.

KATRINA

It brings out your rugged jaw line. I want to cling to it like I was hanging off the edge of a cliff.

(They kiss. Katrina’s father, Gabriel’s mother, Tabitha, Buck, a Fogo de Chau server with a saber full of meat come into the alley.)

KATRINA’S FATHER

There they are!

(The mob rushes them. They quickly take off their headwear and the crowd suddenly stops as if quickly waking from a hypnotic state. They all wander off, leaving Katrina and Gabriel. Katrina and Gabriel kiss without the hats on. They shyly put the hats back on and kiss passionately. Lights fade.)

Week 13, Day 89 - "Stella on Tuesdays"

“Stella on Tuesdays”
Written by Joe Janes
4/17/09
89 of 365

CAST
Roy, 20s
Bud, 20s
Stella, 20s

(Lights up on Roy, a tall skinny man with a goatee, standing behind the counter of a coffee shop, reading a paperback book. Bud, in business casual office attire, enters. He looks around and avoids eye contact with Roy.)

ROY

Can I help you?

BUD

No. That’s okay.

(Pause)

ROY

You have to buy some coffee or something. You can’t just stand around.

BUD

Is Stella here?

ROY

She’s on break.

BUD

Oh. (Looks at watch) I’ll wait, then.

ROY

You can’t just wait. You have to buy something. No loitering.

BUD

Fine. A cup of coffee. Black. For here.

(Roy gets him a cup.)

BUD (continuing)

I’m not a loiterer. I have a purpose.

(Roy shrugs)

ROY

$1.75

BUD

Here. (Hands him two bucks.) Keep the change.

(Stella enters from the back of the shop.)

STELLA

I’m back, Roy.

(Bud sees her and turns his back away from her. He quickly downs the hot coffee as best he can while burning his mouth and throat and making muffled sounds appropriate to such actions. Roy and Stella watch him. When he’s done, Bud turns to face them.)

ROY

I’m going to go on my break. Good luck with lover boy.

(He exits.)

STELLA

Hi, Bud.

BUD

Hi, Stella.

STELLA

What can I get for you today?

BUD

Oh, uh, just a refill.

(She gets him a refill as Bud watches her nervously.)

STELLA

Here you go. Fifty cents.

BUD (handing her a dollar)

Keep the change.

(Pause)

STELLA

Can I get you anything else?

BUD

Well, I was wondering-

STELLA

Yes?

(A desk bell ring is heard and lights shift to something more romantic. Bud rips open his shirt revealing a “Wrath of Kahn”-like chest. Stella’s hair blows in a breeze.)

BUD

Stella, I come her every Tuesday on my afternoon break from work just to see you.

STELLA

Just to see me, Bud.

BUD

Your green eyes and that green apron haunt my soul throughout the week. I long to taste the full caffeinated impact of your lips.

STELLA

Oh, Bud. No cream or sugar?

BUD

I like my women like I like my coffee. Draped in velvet and lying across my four-poster bed. And possibly a horse is involved.

(Desk bell rings. Lights turn to normal. Bud quickly buttons up his shirt.)

STELLA

Can I get you anything else?

BUD

Well, I was wondering-

STELLA

Yes?

(Desk bell rings and lights shift. Stella comes out from behind the counter taking revealing she’s wearing fishnet stockings.)

STELLA (continuing)

Get down on your knees, scum. What do you want in your coffee?

BUD

You, Mistress Stella, you!

STELLA

Lick my Doc Martens.

(He does so. The desk bell rings and they return to their original positions as lights shift back to normal.)

STELLA

Can I get you anything else?

BUD

Well, I was wondering-

STELLA

Yes?

(Desk bell rings, lights shift, they haven’t moved.)

BUD

I just want to tell you the truth. I don’t know why, but I think about you all the time. Your smile, your voice, and, yes, I’ll say it, even your magnificent ass. Life is short. Too short not to navigate life’s waters with my impulses. My urges. For instance, my urge to press that coffee stained bosom-loaded polo shirt against my chest. My urge to see what’s under that green apron of yours. I want to tamp down your espresso pod and pour my frothy steamed milk over the top.

STELLA (breathy and hot)

As a barista, I must tell you, that last sentence didn’t make sense.

(Desk bell rings, lights go back to normal.)

STELLA

Can I get you anything else?

BUD

Well, I was wondering-

STELLA

Yes?

BUD

I was wondering if you’d like to go out some time.

STELLA

What’s the point?

BUD

The point?

STELLA

Does it matter? Does it really matter? We’ll both be dead soon.

BUD

We will?

STELLA

Sure.

BUD

When?

STELLA

Maybe 40 years. 50, if we’re lucky.

BUD

That doesn’t seem so soon.

STELLA

It doesn’t now. It will on the other end. You’ll wonder where the time went. My point is there is no point. It doesn’t matter if we go out on a date. It doesn’t matter if we kiss. It doesn’t matter if we marry, copulate, procreate or just recreate till our bodies crumble. In the big scheme of things, it doesn’t make a difference. The universe doesn’t care. The universe is decidedly unabashedly unaffected by what happens here, right now, in this moment.

BUD

It if doesn’t matter, can’t we just get together because we want to?

STELLA

That’s the only reason there is,

BUD

Our we really having this conversation?

STELLA

Yes.

BUD

Do you want to go out with me?

STELLA

Yes. Just not for coffee.

BUD

Dinner?

STELLA

I get off at six.

BUD

Okay, then. I’ll see you at six.

(He exits. Roy returns, reading his book.)

ROY

Lover boy finally ask you out?

STELLA

Yeah.

ROY

You say yes?

STELLA

Yeah.

ROY

Think it will go anywhere?

STELLA (nonchalantly)

No.

(Lights fade as Stella wipes down the counter.)