Week 36, Day 247 - ""Climate Change

“Climate Change”

Written by Joe Janes

9/22/09

247 of 365

CAST
Scott, 40s

Kristi, 40s

Joanie, 20s

Raymond, 30s

(Lights up on Kristi sitting in a small folding chair in front of a tent. Scott crawls out of the tent and stands up and looks around.)

SCOTT

This was a good idea.

KRISTI

This was a great idea.

SCOTT

I love being outdoors.

KRISTI

It really makes me feel alive.

SCOTT

And eating nothing but what we fish out of the lake.

KRISTI

Living off this sweet, sweet land.

SCOTT

It gives.

KRISTI

It’s a giver.

SCOTT

We should do this more often.

KRISTI

We should do this all the time and go live inside for vacations. How effing great would that be?

SCOTT

I didn’t realize national parks were so cheap.

KRISTI

It’s like we’re stealing Mother Nature. Makes me want to tip the bears. With money.

SCOTT

Feel this. Feel my face.

(She does.)

KRISTI

Ouchy-oohy.

SCOTT

No place for a man to plug in his electric shaver out here.

KRISTI

Not an extension cord long enough.

SCOTT

Didn’t even realize there would be no electricity or phone service.

KRISTI

There’s that pay phone at the ranger station.

SCOTT

Pay phone? What’s that?

(They laugh.)

SCOTT (continuing)

Nothing but nature.

KRISTI

Nothing but nature.

(He gets teary and holds out his hand. She notices this and puts her hand in his. They hear an eagle fly overhead.)

SCOTT

Holy shit, that’s an eagle.

KRISTI

That is one beautiful fucking eagle.

(They watch it till it flies out of view.)

SCOTT

Makes you wonder what it’s all about.

KRISTI

Our lowly existence on this great majestic lump of spinning mud.

SCOTT

We are not worthy to step upon this land.

KRISTI

We should crawl in reverence, but that would actually put more of our body in contact with the ground. If I could, I would float.

SCOTT

Me, too.

KRISTI

And not eat or breathe.

SCOTT

And not eat or breathe.

(We hear a car pull up. A car door slams. Joanie, a pizza deliverer, enters carrying a pizza.)

JOANIE

This lot 826?

KRISTI

No, I-

SCOTT

Yes. Yes it is.

JOANIE

That’s $16.50.

(Scott fishes a twenty out of his wallet.)

SCOTT

Here you go. Keep the change.

JOANIE

Thanks. Be careful of bears. They like pizza, too.

SCOTT

Gotcha. Thanks.

(Scott sits down and opens the pizza box. He takes out a slice and is about to eat it when he notices Kristi glaring at him.)

SCOTT (continuing)

What?

JOANIE

Nature or pizza?

(Scott looks guilty and puts the pizza back, closing the lid. Raymond, in a big guy in a jogging suit not meant for jogging enters.)

RAYMOND

Hey, there, sort of neighbors. I ordered a pizza for me and my pain-in-the-ass kids and their equally painsome mother. You ain’t seen it, have you?

SCOTT

The pizza lady-

KRISTI

Just drove off. You just missed her.

RAYMOND

Fer chrissake’s. The dingbat. Hey, what’s that?

KRISTI

Oh, that. Just an old pizza box. We had some last night.

SCOTT

I was just about to throw it away.

RAYMOND

I’m heading by the trashcans, I can get that-

(Kristi quickly gets up and stands between Raymond and the pizza. They have an intense moment.)

SCOTT

There’s still a slice or two left.

RAYMOND (slowly backing off)

All right, then. Guess I’ll call that pizza place up and give them a piece of my mind. Probably get a couple free pies out of it.

SCOTT

Always a silver lining.

RAYMOND

I guess.

(He stares at Kristi one more time. He walks off. Kristi turns, sits, open the box and pulls out a slice.)

SCOTT

Nature or pizza?

KRISTI

Pizza.

(Blackout.)

Week 22, day 151 - “Zombie Pizza Party”

“Zombie Pizza Party”
Written by Joe Janes
6/18/09
151 of 365

CAST:
Zombie Brian, 20s
Zombie JC, 20s
Zombie Rammel, 20s
Zombie Kelly, 20s
Val, 20s
Zombie Alex, 20s

(In the dark we hear zombies growling. Lights up on four zombies, Brain, JC, Rammel and Kelly. They look as though they became zombies while at a frat party. They stand looking out doing some low level zombie growling. They are interrupted by a doorbell. They become quiet, but their eyes widen. The doorbell rings, again. Zombie Rammel shuffles over and opens the door. Val, the pizza delivery guy, is standing there holding a pizza.)

VAL

Hi. Somebody order a pizza on-line?

(Zombie Rammel invites him in with the wave of his rotting hand. Val walks in. The zombies gather around him looking at the pizza.)

VAL

That’s going to be $12.50.

(Zombie JC knocks the pizza to the floor.)

VAL

Hey. You’re still going to have to pay for that.

(The zombies all drag Val to the ground and devour him. The quickly reduce him to mostly bone and little meat. Zombie Alex enters carrying a six-pack of beer. He growls and the others stop and look at him. He is clearly disappointed they started without him. They look ashamed. Zombie Alex inspects the remains. Zombie Kelly offers him what’s left of a foot in a shoe. He knocks it out of her hand and walks away. Zombie Brian tries to console him by offering him his own arm to eat. Alex spurns the idea, but Brian persists. Alex tries a nibble. Tries another small nibble. He excitedly starts to chow down on Brian’s arm. All the zombies cheer. “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas plays. The zombies dance as Alex continues to nosh on Brian. Lights fade.)

Week 18, Day 124 - “Romeo Pizza"

(This was posted after midnight Friday)

“Romeo Pizza”
Written by Joe Janes
5/22/09
124 of 365

CAST:
Martha, 40s
Gary, 50s

(Lights up on Martha in her apartment late on a Saturday night. She is wearing what she probably considers to be a sexy housecoat. She is lighting candles, fixing up the living room. Her intercom buzzes and she answers it, trying to sound sexy.)

MARTHA

Hello.

GARY (VO)

Romeo Pizza.

MARTHA

Come on in, Romeo.

(She presses a button. Nervous, she grabs some Febreeze and spurts it around the apartment and under her armpits. The doorbell rings. She poses on the sofa.)

MARTHA

Come in, it’s open.

(The doorbell rings, again.)

MARTHA (a little louder)

Come on in, the door is open.

(The doorbell rings, again.)

MARTHA

It’s open!

(The door opens and standing there is Gary, a very old pizza delivery guy. He is out of shape and has pit stains on his polo shirt.)

GARY

Did somebody order a pizza?

MARTHA

You’re not Gary.

GARY

Yes, I am. I’m Gary. And you are (looks at address on pizza box) Martha Dandridge, right? You order a pepperoni pizza.

(Martha gets up and closes her bathrobe.)

MARTHA

There must be some mistake. I specifically asked for Gary to bring me my pie.

GARY

Well, there is more than one Gary that works at Romeo’s.

MARTHA

They asked me if I meant New Gary or Old Gary and I said New Gary.

GARY

New Gary. That’s me. Old Gary’s worked there longer than I have. I just started. Ergo, I’m New Gary.

MARTHA

This just won’t do. You’ll have to turn around and tell Old Gary, young hunky Old Gary, to bring me my pie.

GARY

I can’t do that, lady. I have to collect the money. $14.98. If I don’t collect the money, it comes out of my own pocket.

MARTHA

How insulting. I’ve never paid for a pizza in my life.

GARY

What did you do when the other Gary brought you pizza?

(Martha blows out candles and turns on the lights.)

MARTHA

What do you think?

GARY

Oh. That really happens? I thought that only happens in movies. Bad movies.

MARTHA

It happens to Gary. Once a week for a few months, now. It’s like ordering take out sex.

GARY

It’s been awhile and I didn’t shower today, or yesterday, but I can probably help you out.

MARTHA

Thanks. Now, I really don’t want that pizza. I’ll see if I can scrape up a few dollars. (She finds her purse and starts rummaging through it.) Say, aren’t you too old to be delivering pizza.

GARY

I’m too old for a lot of things. A job’s a job.

MARTHA

All I have is a ten.

GARY

Why don’t I split it with you? You take half the pizza and I’ll take half.

MARTHA

Keep it. Keep it all. Just send the other Gary along when you get back.

GARY

Martha, look. I know I don’t look nothing like Gary.

MARTHA

No. You don’t. Gary glistens.

GARY

I glisten.

MARTHA

You sweat.

GARY

Sweat, glisten, whatever. I understand you’re disappointed but that boy is eighteen if he’s a day. I may not be pumped up on hormones like him and, well, don’t have a lot of things going on physically like he does, but I’ll tell you what I do have going for me.

MARTHA

What’s that?

GARY

I kiss good. My wife used to tell me I’m a good kisser.

MARTHA

She used to tell you that?

GARY

She passed a few years back. Her nickname for me was Sugar Lips.

MARTHA

Really? I find that hard to believe.

GARY

Only one way to find out for sure.

MARTHA

Oh, what the hell.

(She steps towards him, but then grabs the Febreeze and spurts him down with it. She kisses him and, damn, if he wasn’t right. He dips her as they kiss. She is perklempt.)

GARY

Didn’t I tell ya?

MARTHA

Your wife was a lucky woman, Sugar Lips.

GARY (heads towards the door)

That was fun. Made my night. Hey, you keep the pizza. On me. Still want me to send Old Gary back?

MARTHA

Um, no. That’s okay. You know, this is too big for one person.

GARY

Thanks, but I really do need to get back. Manager thinks I’m slow enough as it is.

MARTHA

I could warm it up for lunch tomorrow. One o’clock?

GARY

I’ll bring the diet soda.

(He exits. Martha picks up the phone and dials.)

MARTHA

Yahn’s Chinese Restaurant? I’d like to order some Moo Goo Gai Pan. And please have Yahn Junior deliver it. Tell him it’s for Martha Dandridge. And hurry.

(She hangs up and looks around the room. She looks at the pizza box and sprays it with Febreeze. Blackout.)